What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

Can I assume you've always done the washing etc.
Your children are old enough to pack their own clothes,surely ?

He sounds very aggravating but you’re choosing to add to your own load too. My 3 year old helps fold washing and puts all her own stuff away in drawers. My step kids have been putting their stuff away and mostly packing for themselves for holidays since they were 8 or 9.

Obviously yours are seeing their dad to the square root of fuck all to pitch in so probably think they’re above chores and personal responsibility too but don’t just accept it.

You need to stop doing it all OP. Tell him clearly you're not going to do xyz anymore he needs to do it or it won't get done. Then unburden yourself and forget about it. There are things I absolutely refuse to do for DH like his laundry and ironing and it has given me abundant peace.

I think what people are missing here is that there is someone unknown coming to stay in the house so therefore the OP is compelled not to leave things as that would be unpleasant for the housesitter. Also, if she didn't do the tons of washing, it would still be there plus the holiday washing on return. I don't see why the man can't put out, fold, put away washing. He could also have taken the dog to the kennels. OP has been poorly so she is doubly pissed off because some of this could have been done when she was unwell. It does show a lack of consideration for her by her family and she is justified for feeling hard done to. I'm a bit askance by posters trying to turn this into being her fault. My husband can be fairly dim on this front but does do other jobs like faffing about setting lights and always packs for himself and would oversee anything else I asked him to. I have been saved over the years by my autistic son who did all the washing and the hoovering and would lock all the windows. He packed for himself since mid teens too.

I think organising jobs between two is trickier than him just 'pulling his weight'. You sound incredibly efficient and quite formidable - I would imagine he could well tread on your toes so it's easier to just let you manically do everything. I'm not saying he isn't lazy but I also know that while I like help in the house, I also like it done a certain way so I'm pretty controlling really. I have to acknowledge that in myself.

He clearly doesn't think like you so he needs lists and you need to learn to properly delegate - and while sexism is of course factor in why men don't do certain chores, I think some allowance can be occasionally be made for men not thinking in the same way about domestic work.

Actually project manage it rather than just getting angry because he's not like you. Remove emotion from the equation. ie. Define the problem, formulate a plan that works for you and help each other achieve it. If it doesn't improve then you then need to deal with it as a partnership issue?

Being angry with the issue is not working - it is insanity to continue doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

Does DH have a mother like you who did everything for him? There is no reason at all your three children couldn't have done half those tasks either. All that cleaning, hoovering, tidying, dusting could have been done between them. You can't criticise DH for not know what's what while letting your own children grow up the same way.

Because, (she explained patiently), I am banging my head against a bloody brick wall. They will not do it. It doesn't matter how many times I ask, plead, threaten, punish... they will not do it. I ask all the time. I have lists, they all have an app I paid for that alerts them to their tasks and when they need to be completed. I have left tasks that haven't been assigned to me with the result that they've built up to be unmanageable. I have shown them, done it with them, demonstrated..... they know how to to do it. Their problem is that these are not fun, hedonistic activities. They're chores, and they all seem to have the souls of Victorian lords and ladies who wouldn't even have the concept of what comprised a household task in their head. When they were little they did. I pinpoint it to when I was a SAHM with the youngest. DH thinks I should still do everything, older DC are selfish teenagers. This morning I've got them all out of bed as I said last night that I would because they took the absolute piss yesterday and this house needs to be tidy before we leave. DH is on leave ahead of the holiday. Got them all up at 8. Have just checked before checking this thread. DC13 has gone back to bed. DC 15 put headphones on and is curled up in bed awake but presumably listening to music. DH is watching TV with DC 3. I could cry. I could really fucking cry.

THANK YOU!!

All the posters calling me a martyr and blaming me, I thought I posted in chat, not AIBU! Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

DH used to adult 50/50. He stopped when I was a SAHM when DC3 came along. And it doesn't seem to matter how much I break down over it, he seems bewildered or like he thinks running the dishwasher once out of every 30 times it's on is enough

Cancel the holiday. Book somewhere just for you, and head off for a relaxing couple of days. DH can spend his leave parenting his children. Tell them next time they want a holiday, Daddy can plan it and pack for it.

Have you shown him the lost op? The one you posted here?

Go and get the kids up. Curtains open. Duvets off. Stand there until they're out the room.

Turn telly off.

Is there anything you can consequence on holiday if they don't help?

Other than that you and DH need a sit down talk with DH that you feel taken advantage of, you're raising lazy ungrateful kids and you're at breaking point.

No one gets clothes washed unless they're downstairs. He doesn't get his clothes washed. You're only making food X days a week. Etc.

You need stronger consequences, inc considering if this is who you want to grow old with

Turn off the power

Turn off the wifi.

Oh OP I feel for you so much...just leave them for a few days, forget about the holiday. Literally, go awol. Go to a friend / sister / cheapest premier inn.

Not even joking OP - is there anyway you can just go on holiday on your own? to a friend, parent?

DH used to adult 50/50. He stopped when I was a SAHM when DC3 came along.

Yep. He got used to it and doesn’t want to change his ways. Plus, because he isn’t seeing the hw etc.. as his responsibility, he genuinely won’t see the mess 🤪🤪🤪🤪
His attitude, not doing anything at all, is what he has taught the dcs too. That mummy and only mummy does the cleaning etc….

Such an unsurprising pattern of behaviour :(:(

If you don't want to be the house skivvy and raise your dc to be incompetent adults, then it's time to make changes.
Get strict with task lists and take everyone's phones/gadgets off them.
When you're back from holiday, have a family meeting and tell everyone what tasks need to be done on which days.
This isn't acceptable.

Tbh those who are saying to go away in your own have a point. No one is going to get it until they are forced to do so. And the only thing that will force them to do that is no pants in the drawer, no spoon to eat and an empty fridge iyswim.

Id go away on my own for a couple of weeks. Go and see family and let them get in with it.
When you come back, let them deal with their stuff. Dc is supposed to empty the dishwasher, just kept them to it. It hasn’t happened? Well someone will have to do it later in when it’s time to tidy up.
Just get out of the way and kept them find their solution. Let DH be involved (or not) and go for a walk whilst they think.
Natural consequences is the way to go in my experience.

@Charles11 , she has already done that. Many times. It’s nit working because they all know, DH included, that if the wait long enough, the OP will do it :(
‘Nagging’ never works in my experience. Esp with teenagers, it tends to attract the opposite reaction.

Thats one reason why I found that the way to deal with that sort if attitude is to nit do anything at all and let them experience the natural consequence of them not doing what they were supposed to do. Start with the assumption they will do it, treat them like if it was obvious they would and then watch.

It can apply to anything. Let say, plates and dishes not in the dishwasher means no clean pan to cook so no meal for the evening. Or clothes not prepared before hand means little to take whilst in hols. You have made them responsible for something, they ca do it. Time for them to get the consequences coming with the responsibility

You dont seem to be acknowledging that they don't do it because you let them away with it.

Youve got them up and instead of tidying they've gone back to bed and instead of getting them back up again you're now presumably doing the tidying on your own.

Why would they change when they dont have to?

I remember once at the airport DH asked me to just grab him something from the lounge buffet even though l was happily drinking my coffee with no immediate plans to go to the buffet.

Let's just say he hasn't ever asked again.

OP l totally agree you should refuse to go again until this gets sorted it is your holiday too ffs.

What does ‘blowing your lid’ or ‘ripping his head off’ entail exactly? Did it involve actually saying that putting cereal into bowls for three days logically doesn’t equate to all of the other things that you’ve listed? What was his response? Have you had an actual conversation as to what isn’t acceptable and why, or did you silently enable, fester and then lose your temper?

It’s not martyrdom to have a decent standard of living. It is martyrdom to tolerate a man child behaving in the above way and then complain on MN about it. You were getting up at half five just to have a coffee because you chose to enable the poor behaviour of the man you’ve chosen. That’s really on you.

Doesn't get why I am so very very pissed off

Why don’t you tell him?

Can you really count loading and unloading the washing machine/dryer unless you’ve washed it all by hand and spent day drying the items with your breath

My mind is blown by this comment

That is completely unacceptable.

I tend to run these scenarios through the filter of “would dh do that?” and it’s a resounding no. This isn’t a man thing. It also isn’t about being a martyr - in real life grown ups have to get stuff done.

I know the adhd thing is thrown in as a joke but I’m the person in our relationship with adhd - I’m poor at time planning and doing boring shit is incredibly hard. But I’m also a grown up, and I love my husband, so I find the strategies I need to make sure I pull my weight. So running the scenario through “would I do this to dh?” is still a resounding no.

But when you’re bent over with double the weight of tasks, it can be impossible to then take on the extra mental load of husband training, or even divorce planning. You’re barely keeping one foot in front of the other.

I agree with others though that you need to withdraw services. Let their laundry pile up. Wash the dishes because that would get nasty fast, but only cook for yourself. And change the WiFi password.

Im really angry on your behalf - the exploding yogurt box made my blood boil. Fucker.

But that’s not going to take effect until after the holiday which is why I’d be seriously considering doing a flit at the last minute at the airport, and leaving them to go on holiday. Cancel the dog sitter and enjoy a couple of weeks of empty house. Bliss.

"What does ‘blowing your lid’ or ‘ripping his head off’ entail exactly? "

It's no good if it's a rant and then things get done by you anyway. Or other people grudgingly do something then it reverts back to how it was.

We're going on a self catering holiday and have done quite often. I've made it clear to my family that it's MY holiday as well and everyone pulls their weight.
I've always made it clear that I matter too. It's astounding that so many dh's and dcs don't see the wife/mother as a real person with their own wants and needs. She's just someone who is expected to do everything for everyone else.

She's just someone who is expected to do everything for everyone else.

That expectation is as much her fault as theirs.

They expect it because she taught them to expect it by doing everything