What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

@ML2

And I'd agree if it was a case of different minimum standards.

But its clearly not.

The oH and kids expect her to do everything while they do nothing despite multiple fallings out over it.

Nope, you’re certainly not all men, thank Christ. You are, however, the exact type of man being described in that thread. Down to the very words you use. A sexist mansplaining horror. HTH.

The nature of your misogyny has been explained in great detail by multiple posters. Perhaps your ‘man eyes’ missed them all.

Why am I misogynistic for saying that I don’t care about cleaning, my OH does, and we found a middle ground that works for both of us? I don’t really see the angry and demanding approach working for OP.

Because you've attributed all your "i just don't care if the house is filthy and won't do anything until it affects me because i have a penis and Ops partner has a penis and of the kids have a penis they don't care either. Cos of the penis.

"May I offer a man’s perspective (I know it seems rare on this board!). Plus one question - are the kids all boys? A lot of the things you list just don’t directly impact them (the husband + boys), and are things they just don’t care about. Most men are happy living their lives in dirty surroundings and wouldn’t bother doing anything about it until it’s so dirty they themselves can’t stand it.*

Thank god @ML2 has explained

@ML2 you may not care about a dirty floor or that others will see it. Women do and do you know why that is?

Because it is the WOMAN who will be judged for letting it get/stay that dirty not you, the man. Because patriarchy and misogyny and all that shit!

Easy to say women should just not care when they get all the judgement.

You need to teach your family to do their bits for their own sake too.
All 4 of my DC packed from the age of 5. First they wrote a list, then they packed, then I checked. They also had to learn to clean and tidy their rooms and from secondary school age,clean bathrooms etc. If they don’t learn young, then they don’t know. Once they actually do it, they think twice about making mess. Teen time if they are too busy, I don’t insist. I see it as my responsibility to teach them - same applies to cooking and washing etc. and making healthy food choices and even shopping for food. They get rewarded with bought films, pocket money etc. actually young kids love helping/cleaning anyway - yes it can be less “help” then but if you teach them young, I think it actually empowers them later on. Teachers always tell me how brilliant my kids are on school trips etc - even my laziest DC pulls his weight then. I also always made sure they did Scouts etc

As for my DH, he knows that when I am totally stressed and he doesn’t pull his weight I will snap at him and there is no sex life. So he has also learned to support much more although his mum definitely didn’t teach him. He isn’t perfect, but willing to learn. I am also willing to learn from him.

The weather has been so hot recently it'll dry on the line in around 30 seconds 😂😂

In all seriousness, if it takes 90 minutes you'd only need the line to take 2 loads 🤷🏻

I am a little confused by some of the responses, as to whether this is a general 'malady' of your DH, or whether this is just for the holiday.
When first married, yes, I used to pack for DH, until he complained I had missed something, so after that I let him pack himself, and if he missed something, then that was on him.
Self-catering holidays are always work, and mainly for the chief carer (usually the mother), but depending on ages of the children, then get them to help. Eat more microwave meals, and 'easy' food, if you are not eating out.
On a general basis, I have found over the years, that there are some jobs that my DH prefers to do, so there has become some sort of division of labour, in that he does certain jobs, and I do others. it really doesn't work if there are just 'general jobs' cleaning to be done.
eg. DH cleans the toilets, because he prefers to do that, and I don't. Although he may need reminding sometimes.

Ok, looking at your list and what you do, I’d look at cutting back what I don’t need to. I understand you have to clean for the house sitter and sort out the dog and pool. But changing bed linen when your kids are 15 and 13? They need to do it themselves. Why are you packing their things? They need to do it themselves. Is your husband packing his things? If not, why not? If they forget something, they’ll remember for next time. Don’t waste your time pleading or getting them to use apps. Just tell them they’re in charge of x,y,z and if it doesn’t get done then the consequences are on them.

May I offer a man’s perspective (I know it seems rare on this board!). Plus one question - are the kids all boys?

BE BETTER

My dh has this thing where he wants the house sparkling before we go on holiday- even if it's a 4 day break. So fridge emptied and cleaned thoroughly (we don't do this on a weekly basis), the bathroom deep cleaned (we don't do this weekly), washing basket emptied (even if it's clothes we're not taking with us), all floors hoovered and mopped (were there are hard floors), bins not just emptied but cleaned inside and out (we don't do this weekly) and everywhere dusted. I'd argue some of these things aren't necessary. It's nice to come home to a clean house but it doesn't need to be overkill.

Imo some of the things in the op are about different standards, other things that are necessary your dh should absolutely doing his equal share.

Are you skint op? Becasue if it’s not your last savings it does sound worth cancelling the holiday, you’d have to pay the sitter anyway with no notice, and you book something not too far away and go on your own. I say not too far so you can take work stuff and go direct to work afterwards, I wouldn’t come back until there’s a video tour of the clean house I’d be coming back to.

Can you afford a cleaner?

I would either be going on holiday alone or staying at home while they went. Why would you want to spend time with such horrible, uncaring people? And yes I include the 2 teens in that. I was by no means a perfect teen but I actually loved my mother so wouldn't have just let her run around like an idiot while I went back to bed, particularly after she'd been ill.

Seriously -if you stopped cooking for them, they won't starve. stop buying treats and just get basics. Don't wash their clothes. Don't wash their bedding. Don't tidy their rooms. Don't give them lifts or pocket money. If they start smelling they can wash their clothes themselves. None of this is beyond a 13 or 15 year old. And honestly I'd really consider what you are getting out of your relationship with dh because honestly your life sounds fucking miserable.

This sounds awful.
I might have missed it but have you tried sitting them all down together when you are calm, (not just when yiu find them all in the same room, like calling a family meeting thing) and getting really upset (in a sad way, not a shouty way) and saying you cant do this any more, you're going to have a breakdown etc.
People tend to get defensive when shouting but guilt is a POWERFUL tool.
(You shouldnt have to, obviously)
Have you taken devices off/removed cables/turned off wifi?
Could you try listing out EVERYTHING that needs to be done in the house (again, you shouldnt have to!! But you are miserable)
And then putting your name against everything you do, presenting the list to them (again in a calm, pre meditates sit down convo) and asking if they think its fair to treat you like a cleaner.
You shouldnt have to do any of this shit though. Id be leaving him tbf, make him see how serious you are. Seperate bedrooms etc. You cant live like this!

OP you've had great advice.

I hear you. I would stop doing anything that doesn't impact you for starters.

No more cooking for them. Wash only your clothes. Clean only the bits that impact you. Tell them this family and unemotional and just detach. Don't do it. Let them understand consequences. Hungry and no clean clothes.

If they complain just say as your dad. On repeat. This is a long game. Keep it up for MONTHS. And then and only then concede to a list of who does what. You pick the bits you hate doing least. They share the rest out.

Jobs not done. Aka not taking responsibility for you know, life. No WiFi. Router gone and locked in car.

Start thinking like @ML2 and think only of yourself. Not a thought at all, not one, for the people you live with.

@ML2 you've been royally put right that your attitude, and I don't care where is comes from is shit. History, tradition, ownership of a penis, different levels of acceptable is not excuse for being a totally selfish twat.

So you don't care? Big fucking deal. What about the people you live with? What about compromise and flexing? What about putting yourself in someone else's shoes? Is it an inherent part of being a man that means you can't do that? Really? Proud of that are you?

Is thinking is not part of the male psyche? If it is and you are a big clever man with a brain capable of use perhaps think of the things your wife does for you that she doesn't give a shit about?

How big is that list?

Or is is really small because you find it hard to think from some else's perspective?

Do share.

I'm getting the rage just reading your post op.

Down tools when you get home. Tell your eldest and your dh that things will change and they are responsible for their own mess and you won't be reminding them. Wash your and your youngest clothes only (inc family clothes), cook only for you and the youngest. Stop getting everyone up, if your dh is late for work then so be it. No lunch for school, so be it, get a cleaner and it comes out of family money. If they've not put washing away, Chuck in their room or next to their beds, wash up only your stuff

I understand people saying the dc have to pull their weight, and they do, but your dh has responsibility too.

Who gets everyone up for the holdiay, if it's you just get yourself and your your youngest up, and leave if no one else is up. You really need to start getting harsh on this.

Ugh. OP he won't change unless there is a tangible benefit for him. Whether the benefit is the pleasure of making your life easier, and you happier, or if you not getting angry with him, or whatever, I don't know. If for him the benefits of being a lazy selfish man child outweigh the benefits of not pulling his weight, then that's your life.
My exh was like this. We are now divorced. His house is a filthy shit tip. Meh.

I hear you OP. I have lost it a few times over the years to the extent the bastards ran for cover. No YABU from me, just empathy. Cut back on what you do, don’t tidy up after them, draw up a rota, shrug when they ask you what’s for dinner, that sort of thing. It’s very liberating.

DH often tells the story about his mum throwing shoes at him, his sister and his dad down the stairs shouting that they were lazy buggers and she was fed up of tidying up after them. If you knew her you would never believe she was capable of it, but I get her.

Maybe a good start would be to stop washing husband and older kids clothes and preparing food only for yourself (or you and the youngest)?

Then take it from there.
And perhaps consider a previous posters suggestion of not going away so that you can have a holiday at home.

i think page 1 😂

she was really ill and she gave him a list. A written list.
my bet is she's been nagging also known as any request made by a female and he's ignored it all. including the written instructions.

@preservesandreserves

She shouldn't have to give anyone a list. But she did.

And what happened?

He ignored the list and she did everything anyway

There's a reason she's not answering who cleaned up the yoghurt.

Having a traditional organisation isn’t an issue AS LONG AS both parties agree to it. The OP doesn’t. She expects him to pull his weight like he did before dc3. So their agreement was that he was pulling his weight (which he did with the first two dcs) and HE decided to change that - unilaterally.

re having different expectations. Well yes. Ut again, there should be some agreement around what is or isn’t ok.
eg not ok to change towels once a month. But agree to change them once a week even though the person would prefer after each use. Or each deal with their own towels etc… there is no reason why one person HAS TO automatically lower their standards iyswim

@FuckMyActual as others have said you need consequences, the teenagers and your husband clearly have no respect for you at all.

Firstly, I'd refuse to go on the holiday with them and do it at the very last minute, I know that seems like cutting your nose off to spite your face but I would go somewhere else or cancel the cat sitter and stay at home, I wouldn't want to spend time around people who think so little of me and treat me so badly.

Secondly, I'd unpack all the children's clothes I'd packed, (probably not the 7 year olds on this occasion) that would be the consequence for their laziness and lack of respect and if they couldn't be arsed to repack then they go without clothes, toiletries, etc. - tough shit. If husband doesn't pack his own clothes, etc., then he too goes on holiday without anything, again tough shit.