What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

So your wanker of a husband can't operate a light switch?

I wouldn't have turned off all the lights etc if he was still up.

You are doing magnificently just stay calm and state the facts like are doing and enjoy your holiday
i reckon your family will come around and appreciate you a lot more after the initial confusion

If he knew he needed stuff then he should have organised himself before lolling about rather than assuming it would be ok to disrupt everyone late at night.

Same. But he should've turned them back on

You wouldn't, even though four people were so tired they were desperate for sleep? You'd have prioritised his night of staring at ships over your three children and your own need for rest? He was perfectly happy to sit in the dark on the balcony! We weren't going to sit obediently waiting for him to let us sleep.

you are right it’s always better watching the scenery with lights off behind you
he is just trying to argue that he is right
don’t engage carry on being the calm one and do the holiday

@FuckMyActual just bloody keep going. I think you’re doing great. Keep factual in your responses, even cheerful if you can - it will blow their minds that they can’t blame it on your moods. Just keep going.

I'm cheering you on, OP, you sound great - exactly the sort of woman I like to know IRL.

Don't weaken! You can do this.

OP
I maintain - if the next few days is going to be like this, with him and possibly the teenagers sniping at you and you having to have all your defenses up to reply appropriately...that's no holiday. That's a prolonged fight.
I can see the other side too but I don't know...I think he/they need a strong sharp shock.

Well, he's just managed to find somewhere for us all to go for lunch and has made sure it's near a supermarket too, as I acted just as helpless and bewildered as he can when he mentioned being hungry and I made a casual comment about there being not enough in to make a meal. He said "oh, what should we do then?" And I said "I don't know? Ummm... can maybe get some stuff somewhere? I don't know."

This is taking a lot of effort, because I'm so used to ending up being all "oh ffs" and sorting everything out so I don't have to listen to the incompetence

OP,

Keep it up.

He sounds so tedious and unattractive.

Start thinking about returning to work and doing as little as possible for him.

You are heading for serious marital problems if you don't start looking after your wellbeing.

This is not a man that you will want to remain tethered to long term, if he continues being such a selfish lazy pig.

Start detaching yourself actively from his needs.

Actively stop yourself from doing things that benefit him.

No need for a row, just quietly step away from catering to him.

Long term it is your marriages best chance for survival.

Do the same with the children.

You will be protecting your health long term too.

Loving your new stance @FuckMyActual I think it may get easier as the week progresses.

In reality as you've only just recovered from pneumonia resting both physically and mentally is exactly what you should be doing anyway.

I'm amazed your H hasn't stepped up on that basis.

I mean this kindly, but you can continue to be a part of the problem in the way you behave, or be a part of the solution that benefits both your family, your marriage and yourself.

Being the family skivvy is utterly thankless.

Every time you abdicate with providing a solution, pat yourself on the back and tell us on here what you have done.

Think of it as an un used muscle that needs lots of exercise!😁

You can do it💪

It will take time but hopefully he'll start to change the way he thinks. Rather than looking at you to solve everything Hess start to use his own brain

Well done it is hard not to react as you normally would but keep going
as regards shopping I would say him the teens and you each have a meal to plan and cook so how about meeting at the checkout and seeing what everyone is doing what fun that will be as you are on holiday too

Just look after your 7 year old because….obviously.

For the rest of them, put in EXACTLY the same effort as they do. No more, no less.

Are you all sleeping and living in the same room?

I said it was probably a lot of men's sexist little dream come true and I don't think I'm wrong for saying that this isn't what I married into and not what I expect my husband's attitude to life to be.

I feel like I'm in an American teen movie and want to say things like DAMN GIRL and YOU GO GIRL. I've come over all Bring it On.

And about the lights, DH knows that DD and I can't sleep with eh hallway lights on so he is happy to sit in the dark with his screens and have his phone light to guide him to bed if he's up late. Then we creep around in the morning because he likes to sleep in. Basic courtesy here.

Well, he's just managed to find somewhere for us all to go for lunch and has made sure it's near a supermarket too, as I acted just as helpless and bewildered as he can when he mentioned being hungry and I made a casual comment about there being not enough in to make a meal. He said "oh, what should we do then?" And I said "I don't know? Ummm... can maybe get some stuff somewhere? I don't know."

Hahaha
’I don’t know’ has been my favourite answer to stupid questions, or those which clearly are asked to get rid of responsibility for a problem they don’t want to deal with.
Many grumps about it.
BUT they learn. And you end up with less work.

Enjoy your holiday!!
It looks like youll have one after all :)

@00100001 sort of.... the teens have the little bedroom and then there's a hideaway bed and an extremely comfy sofa bed in the lounge: that's what we and 7yo have. Don't feel like the teens have done us out of some luxury here! They haven't. We can literally watch the sea and hear it as we go to sleep. It's beautiful. The lounge leads on to the balcony. DH went out there at 9:30 and he knows we have a 7yo. I've not been hiding him. He knows 7yo will want to sleep at around 9:30 at the very latest (and only in holidays) so expecting everything to be left brightly lit and welcoming for him after 10pm was quite ridiculous. DS was sobbing in my arms as I was having to help him into his pyjamas, he was so tired after a long beach day and late dinner. He needed lights out and quiet and so did I

The thing is OP I can see where you're coming from but honestly you literally have to not do stuff.

The key is I think to take the line that these things do not reflect on you because they don't. They know you will do it 'in the end' but you need to show them you won't.

I seriously think that making things uncomfortable for them esp if for example it's DHs family coming round really makes them realise.

I hope you have a good holiday.

We had lunch. We did some shopping. He's now down at the beach with the kids and I'm alone in the apartment. DS7 was pestering to go to the beach around 4pm and DH said "maybe let mummy finish her drink first!" I said "no need to wait for me, I'm not going down this afternoon, you go ahead with the kids. I could do with a quiet hour or two." He did look at me for a second like he couldn't quite believe the audacity but then seemed to quite quickly realise that he had brought the audacity himself and very cheerfully (forced?🤔) said "come on then! Let's go and give mummy some peace!"

He didn't take the suncream. DS7 reminded him so he had to run back up for it.

He didn't take the suncream. DS7 reminded him

Oh FFS, what a useless twat.

Live the way you are handling it @FuckMyActual 👏👏👏