What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

And yes, I know you shouldn't have to project manage him but what's the alternative?

@Topgub the alternative is for that grown man to grow a pair, act like an adult rather than either an entitled prat or a child. It’s not ok to treat your partner as a skivvy. He knew how to do that so surely he doesn’t need to be micromanaged and treated like a child??

For me treating him like an adult means letting him getting on with it, letting him fail - with all the consequences, incl on the dcs- and then sort out the issue. Like it happens when he is at work etc….

@MineIsBetterThanYours

Yes. I agree.

But op isn't doing that either.

🤷‍♀️

I felt frustrated just reading this thread OP, I feel for you 🍷

@ML2

Wow.

I'm only going to comment on one bit of what you said because so much of me is reeling from the sexism. But here it is. Sorry, it may blow your theory of penises getting all tangled up if a man tries to notice housework, but.....

No, they're not all boys.

We are 😭😭😭

One person wants the house 100% clean; the other maybe wants it 40% clean. There is a conflict there and if the first person wants (or expects) the second to match her standards, aside from whether that is fair or not, she is going to get disappointed. That’s all I’m saying.

The first person is always a woman. The second is usually a man.

BUT!!! I would actually settle for his ass making it 40% clean. I really would. The problem with this bloke writing this groundbreaking stuff 🙄and many others is that no matter how clean the dick swinger wants it, HE still thinks it's HER job! 40% or 100%, they want to be doing 5% of the total at most. With their handy excuse of "I'm sorry, I have a penis and that's quite enough for me to manage. I bring home the penis. What more do you want?"

There's a reason she's not answering who cleaned up the yoghurt.

Sure is. I wasn't online.

He did, but only after I pointed to it and said "that will be much so harder for you to get off if it starts drying into all the creases"

I wonder if that should be your approach moving forward.
Let them know that their chores will all be harder for x, y and z reasons. It means you'll still need to do the thinking for them for a while but makes it clear you're not doing it for them at any point.

JFC, if you go you know damn well you will end up doing it all, you will clean the place so you don't get charged for leaving it tip, you will do all the shopping and cooking and your family know this too.

It will be NO holiday for you that much is certain.

Op you come across quite assertive and decisive in your posts.
Where is it going wrong?
I'd just tell dh that if he doesn't sort this out, you're cancelling the sitter and not going. Then stick with it. (you can always turn up a day late at an Airbnb)
Of course, that would only work if he cared if you all went. Maybe he doesn't?

Then I actually really would consider staying at home and letting them go and handle the week (or two) all on their own.
id also explain to all of them that you have enough of asking them to step up so now you’ve decided to take some holiday fir yourself and fir them to get a feel of what it means when you’re nit there (or rather when there isn’t a skivvy to pick up after them)

Things that don't impact you to stop doing

1. getting anyone up and ready for the day. They are all old enough to get themselves up and ready for school/ work, if they are late or missing stuff well tough titty.
2. washing any clothes that aren't yours.
3. cooking alone, be the little red hen (www.enchantedlearning.com/stories/fairytale/littleredhen/story/). Yes it takes longer at the start but if you never start they will never learn. As a guide my 11 year old can cook a basic tomato pasta veg bake by herself, my 16 year old can cook any recipe we give him by himself.
4. housework - saturday mornings are housework day, and EVERYONE has to do something worthwhile.

Start as you mean to go on, on holiday. Sit there in the morning and ask your dh what's for breakfast.

If you are committed to this holiday then do the absolute basics just so that you enjoy your holiday .... go off and do things on your own as much as possible.

And make this the last family holiday ... next time leave them at home, go away on your own or with a friend.

If the kids won’t do it then it doesn’t get done. They will learn fairly quickly when they get on holiday and have no swimsuits, no clean clothes, no chargers etc that they should have done as they were asked…..

Someone upthread said that the OP is doing a lot of stuff that doesn't need doing ... except it does. The pool will be dangerous to use if the balance of chemicals isn't correct, it isn't just a really large bath.

Then more fool you if you go

I wish I knew! I really do! I am not a shrinking violet, not a martyr, not a people pleaser, but I absolutely will not bring my children up in a shithole. There are too many members of my extended family who do and I just will not. So leaving it weeks and weeks is not an option because they really won't care and I don't know why! DH was not brought up that way. My children were not. I'm not a Mrs hinch type, I don't mind clutter, I hate it when it's messy and filthy and I will quite literally end up either losing my cool and screaming like I'm possessed or begging through exhausted tears for help. I've tried everything. Rota, app, alexa reminders, rewards, allowance linked. I'm so close to cutting the plugs off every single tv, console and hiding all the usb plugs. Maybe that will motivate them, but knowing them it will only motivate them to learn how to wire a plug.

This. I had my mum saying I should just chuck a bit of dettol in it. No, it needs chlorine, algaecide, ph plus or minus, clarifier.... and I never even get in it!! Don't have the time!

@Nanny0gg, unfortunately I'm not prepared to sack off a 2k holiday. I don't have the disposable income to make that ok.

Then get rid of the pool. If nobody cleans it, no pool. If the kids can’t respectfully, then no broadband and certainly no activities. Consequences. Not screaming, not begging, a clear path from action to consequence.

Not doing their laundry isn't ‘raising your kids in a shit hole’. If they run out of clean clothes, what do you think will happen? If your husband runs out of clean clothes, what do you think will happen?

If you don’t pack for them, what do you think will happen?

Why are you losing your cool and screaming? It achieves exactly nothing. Have you had a conversation with your husband and asked him WHY he thinks all this is fair?

Then you do the it’s your REALLY can’t live Wo - a clean kitchen, house tidy.

And you leave them with the rest that doesn’t impact you.
Yur DH or your dcs not having clean clothes doesn’t impact you but them (minus your 7yo there).
Not having the swimming pool doesn’t impact you
Not having clothes ready for tomorrow to leave doesn’t impact you. Etc

Yes that’s not all the stuff they should be doing. But it’s better than nothing. And hopefully once they start, it will help with the rest too.

You have to do something. Because it’s not just about your dcs learning to look after themselves. It’s nit just about you loosing your cool.
Its about the fact it’s affecting your MH, your quality of life and your energy.

But you not going doesn’t mean a cancelled hols and loosing 2k.

It means you get a break from being a skivvy. And they dint have a hols as easy as they thought. But theyll get over it.

I have a man who is very similar. He has absolutely no clue about anything. He's not lazy, he's not refusing to do things, he just has no clue what to do or how to start doing anything. I give him a list of tasks to do and he'll do the ones he can figure out how to do, like taking the trash out, cleaning the floor, washing dishes (although he leaves the sink full of suds and wet towels and cloths everywhere). The rest he needs me to explain to him how to do them... he's not dumb, he doesn't have a mental health issue, but he does have a personality issue that means he has to have instructions explained very, very literally as if he was a three year old. Otherwise he has no clue. Yes, it's deeply frustrating and I do have a meltdown every now and then, but I also have to stop and tell myself that he's not doing it deliberately and that me going nuts is not helping.

Empty the pool now . No comment . Just empty it . Not your problem if you don't use it . Don't do a shop when you arrive on holidays . Go out for breakfast by yourself when you arrive . Look bewildered when someone asks what's for lunch- not your problem
I used to say when asked for something on holds - point at Dh and say ' see that man over there ? He's your father . Ask him it's my holiday too .

It works