Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

I’m sorry, sounds tough. Perhaps the shouting wasn’t the best but still, it doesn’t make you a horrific mother, it makes you someone who could do with some support.
my son fractured his skull when he was 10 months, he was walking and climbing everything very early, we were investigated and it was horrific. However I’m happy we were and that the process could in fact save another child who was actually being abused. It’s tough, try not to be too hard on yourself

It's getting past the point where you do anything forcibly with her, she's too old/big and you're getting damaged. Plus the new baby will see this. I was that baby and it's still causing me issues and I'm 50 now.

I'm in a lot of the ND online support groups and you're not alone in being at the end of your tether physically and mentally. Can you go along to a local one for support and strategies? Or online? Can your social worker help? The HCPs?

This isn't about you being a crap mum but more the situation now needs addressing differently, as forcing a child to shower is still abusive, really, isn't it? The neighbours are obviously worried and were probably right to get a welfare check for all of you.

You poor thing :-(
That sounds so so draining. And pregnant too with an abusive relationship only just behind you?

I wouldnt worry what the neighbours think. At some point you will talk to one of them and set the record straight.

As much as you can anyway.

Would your daughter like to have her hair cut?

My son has PDA and my standards were very low, for my own sanity!

At times he was wearing dirty too small for him clothes but he wouldn't wear the new clean ones id bought in a bigger size.

So if she doesn't want her hair washed, id shrug and let her experience chlorine matted hair.

Xxx

Hi, this sounds realy difficult and I am sorry your neighbour called the police.

I do wonder why your daughter HAD to wash her hair? I would not enforce that myself if there was a meltdown going on. If your DD is autistic, there is presumably not much point in threatening things like no pudding etc.

Oh, you poor thing, that must have been so stressful for you.
But, the police were satisfied that there was no domestic incident and they left.
The neighbour was probably concerned, and to be honest, given the awful recent cases (Sebastian, Star Hobson and others), he or she was right to report it if they thought a child was in danger.
Happily they were wrong, and you just need time to get over it. You haven't done anything wrong at all.

It sounds very stressful but maybe you didnt need to force her into a shower or wash her hair, one of you will get injured and its putting you both at risk. Would she be happy to shower at the pool instead,

I really don’t think it is appropriate to force a 9 yo to wash their hair

With all the commotion I would have called the police or SS too

Too many times children get hurt/killed and the “lessons learned” is that safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility

I hope, with a diagnosis imminent, that you get the family support you need. Clearly, things cannot go on as they are.

Have you any family/friends that you can admit to that you are not coping and get some help ?

Oh OP have a hug, you're a good mum coping in difficult circumstances. With heat and pregnancy and pain you aren't going to be in a good place. This is not a reflection of your ability to mother your child. Pretty sure it must have sounded like murder going on when my ds was younger and he would have a full meltdown. Fortunately my neighbours know us and knew what was going on.
I can only imagine how it's made you feel and that must be awful. However you have done nothing wrong, the police have seen this and confirmed this.

I would perhaps pick my battles depending on if you can figure out why she was so averse this evening if she's normally ok. At this stage when you're knackered perhaps saying, please explain why you don't want to shower and negotiate with her so she doesn't see it as an ultimatum, rather than allowing yourselves to get sucked into a stand off (I really appreciate this is easier said than done,) it might be easier for the short run whilst you're still pregnant and whilst baby is tiny.

So when you go out tomorrow chin up, you owe no one any explanation, you have got this, you are a good mother in tough circumstances. Be kind to yourself. Ask yourself how you would respond to reading this from someone else and give yourself the same understanding.

Have a look at Positive Behaviour Management techniques on the Challenging Behaviour website. I’m the mum of a 19 year old with autism and it revolutionised the way we deal with meltdowns.

I think you need to seek rl support as if your interventions are completely inappropriate and have caused a situation to get explosive. Whether your DD is an autistic DC or not you appear to think its acceptable to use physical force to have your DC do what you want. You need to seek help as if she is has already been in a DV household she will have heightened anxiety anyway and your response to her not washing her hair was extreme

I understand your embarrassment. I do. But moving forward you need to find other ways to work with your dd. She’s too old and big for techniques we are sometimes forced to use with toddlers.

You might not be looking for sympathy, but you have mine. It is so tough. I have autism (HF) but we had lots of meltdowns when I was younger and my Mum felt just like you do about it. You are a brilliant mum. I know the police coming is shocking, but try and think of it like this, with everything that has been on the news about children being hurt in Lockdown, it is better that your neighbour checked it out, in case your DD was not ND and in case you were not a brilliant mum. As it is you are a brilliant mum and your DD is loved. Nothing bad will happen and it may help you get extra support if that would be helpful. xxx

God, I get it I really do but you can't force a 9 year old to wash their hair , autistic or not, especially when it ends up with you potentially getting hurt.

Tomorrow is another day, there was no safeguarding issue, the police were just doing their job and the neighbours were just making sure everything was ok.

I say this as a mum who lost her absolute shit last week and ranted like a banshee🙄

Are you swimming then going home and showering? Is it too much of a transition? Would washing her hair at the swimming pool be better?

That sounds shit and so horrible for you. I have an autistic four year old and feel your pain. We had a reoccurring issue with nits so had to wash his hair, put on treatment after everything else had failed. I was terrified the three times we did it the police would be called. He would be screaming, banging his head on the wall, biting me until I bled. It was so distressing for the whole family as my DH would be trying to hold him so he couldn’t hurt himself and the other children would be banging on the bathroom door begging us to stop. I also ended up shouting as the stress and pain of it pushes you to react. No amount of calm narrating and reassurance really works when someone is taking chunks out of your arms and is at risk of knocking themselves out.
I’m sure your neighbours thought they were protecting your daughter. I know it doesn’t make it easier for you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

My daughter was diagnosed with ASD at age 8 and the pre-puberty years 9/10 were the absolute worst including permanent exclusion from mainstream school. I wouldn’t get in a fight about hair washing, not worth it. A quick rinse in the pool shower to get the chlorine off will do. Threats to withdraw treats won’t work on a child in a meltdown. They aren’t rational at that point. Reduce the demands on your daughter right down. Don’t worry about what she ‘should’ be doing. Tomorrow is another day x

I sympathise OP I really do. I know you’re a only doing what you believe is best for your DD but you also need to think of yourself. What is the worst that could happen if she doesn’t have her hair washed? What is the worst that could happen if you damage your back?

This is coming from someone who chooses every hill to die on so I can completely understand your position.

Just for those saying Forcing a child to shower is abusive...if a child, neurodiverse or not, is not showered and goes to school unkempt and unwashed, then not showering becomes neglect.
Damned either way...As it is holidays, I would have left it. On a school night, has to be done (at least once a week ;-) and it is a battle you cannot win either way. Police for shouting and getting through it or social services for not bothering.
Any advice to the OP should come from those dealing with ASC/PDA on a daily basis, as many tips for neurotypical rarely work on ND.
hugs to you OP, it is bloody soul-destroying at times

Oh I want to come and give you a big hug OP.

You're being hard on yourself. You can let some things go and make your life a bit easier. Especially when the baby arrives. I know why you wanted her to wash her hair but at the end of the day, if she didn't it wouldn't have been a disaster. Can you speak to her about it for the future? Washing it there? Washing it in the evening or next day - whatever, but whatever works for you both. I'm not sure if that's possible with DD so it's just a suggestion.

As for the police I'd find that mortifying too, but ultimately better the neighbours called if they worried than not.

Hold your head high. You're doing a very tough job in hard circumstances.

I have been in this situation. Give it a few days and you won’t feel so bad. We have to accept that to other people, autistic meltdowns sound like someone is being murdered! Explain to the next neighbor you see about your daughter and let the news travel. We are only human and no one can know the emotional toll our lives have on us sometimes unless they have walked our shoes. So don’t beat yourself up for shouting.

As aPP said, lower demands. If you haven’t already then look into PDA. I had burnout with my teen a few years ago. I let things slide and only had a battle if it was something very important. Everything else I just didn’t have the energy for. The change in my child was remarkable. As no demands were placed on her she began to calm. Yes sometimes it meant not showering for 3 days but now she hops in the shower herself. As it is the summer holidays nowcould be a good time to see if your daughter may respond the same.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt

child has been to the pool so will be clean at least.

Sounds shitty. I do think you could have just skipped the shower, if she was too overwhelmed. Forcing an upset child to shower will never be a nice experience for anyone.

Laughinggoat

Similar situation with us. We lost the energy to fight and DD got there on her own terms. We think she has PDA. If she can control things herself she is a delight. Now at 14 doing well at school and ambitious for the future, she even showers sometimes!

You really have to choose your battles and think about what you are teaching her.

Girls need to know that their boundaries, especially over their own body, should be respected.

I’ve had the same issue with my son so get him to have a good rinse in the showers at the pool so if he refuses a proper wash later on it’s not the end of the world.

In scenarios like this rather than resorting to threats and force you need to try and come up with some alternatives to try. She might prefer to wash her own hair, to have a soak in the bath, or shower at the pool so it’s over straight away.

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to get as much support in place before your baby arrives, as it’s going to be a lot more difficult for you and your daughter. See if there are any autism information/parenting courses you can attend, join online and real life support groups, see if you can get funding for a play therapist or similar if she is having lots of difficulties.

Make sure you flag up to your midwife as well that you are finding things stressful and struggling with anxiety, you should be entitled to counselling.

As for your neighbours, well done to them for showing enough care and concern not to ignore the screams of a young girl.