Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

If I’d heard the sort of noise you have described, didn’t know you/the situation well then I’d have probably called the Police.

If I were you and have had the experience of them call, the stress of your daughter, past DV and was pregnant then I’d feel just as you do.

As others have said, from the comfort of an armchair, - pick your battles, leave the hair etc etc. Maybe a time for reflection? Maybe a time to talk to neighbours - which one will tell others, plant your position so that it can be favourably spread?

But you’ve done nothing wrong, walk tall.

Agree with PPs that OPs DD didn't NEED her hair washed after swimming. That poor child must have been incredibly scared and anxious to be forced into the shower and made to wash their hair while OP screamed at them. That's not the same thing as leaving a child for weeks without washing as PPs have suggested. Her DD had been swimming so was already clean.
The shouting and physical force must have been bad if the neighbours thought a domestic incident was happening.

You forced her into the shower, that's wrong, poor kid. What's the worse thing that is going to happen not having her hair washed?

You poor thing That sounds really tough!

You say you don't know your neighbours but this could be the perfect oppurtunity. Maybe pop around to see them tomorrow, knock and explain the situation with your daughter? You could even pop with a box of chocolates or something to apologise for the noise?

Why didn't you wash her hair at the swimming baths? Surely that would have prevented such issues. However you're not a bad mum at all, it sounded very stressful and you won't be the first parent that a neighbour has rung the police on and you won't be the last, it doesn't mean you are a bad mother in any way shape or form. Because it's a domestic involving a child police will pass it on to social services so expect a call or visit from them also, this is a good thing as it is a way to get some support.

It's a tough gig - and you're not going to get it right every time so I wouldn't fret over it too much however - would it really have mattered if she hadn't washed her hair at that particular time? If you had just let it ok - said OK no problem - give her a hug or reassurance (or whatever she is responsive to) - whatever it takes to reduce her anxiety level. You could have tried asking her to wash her hair another time. This next bit may not sound like it relates but I think it does - I found looking after a daughter with anorexia required a very different approach to the one I would have used if my daughter had been her previous rational, reasonable self. Anxiety is a huge issue with anorexics - her response to many situations was an emotional one - she was anxious about something - sometimes we understood, sometimes we didn't fully understand the issues going on in her mind - what I learned was that no amount of logical talk or explanations, no amount of supportive conversation made any difference at certain times - I came up with the model of a frightened stray cat that I was trying to win over - I found it was my actions, my movement, my reaction, my demeanour that she would respond to - I learned to think about how I might be adding to or causing her feel more anxious - so - like a frightened stray cat - there really was no point in trying to talk any sense in to it to win it over - I found it helped if I thought about how I could reduce her anxiety - maybe this approach
might help you. Of course there were other times when she was more open and receptive to conversation, discussion and logical argument so I could deal with things in a more "normal" way - it was a matter for me to work out what the best approach was given how she was behaving. Much like a cat - you can't MAKE them do what you want - teachers at a high school soon realise you can't MAKE students do a thing - you have to read the room, read the individual and try and do things by co-operation - shouting and screaming doesn't work! HTH

Hey OP my 7 year old tantrums like this and tbh I know lots of other PPs have said it but honestly with you being pregnant too - it’s just one of those times where you as the adult has to be the one that diffuses the situation.

I know you felt she needed to have her hair washed - but saying no screens/puddings isn’t going to help anything nor is dragging her to be washed and shouting at each other. I’d have left it, maybe have given her a snack let her rest and then discuss when she might want to wash her hair? Maybe before bed a bath?

go easy on yourself and her.

I understand how difficult this was for you, but have you ever found that shouting helped when your daughter was having a meltdown?

Tbh I think you should try your best to move on from this and not allow it to decide your self worth

like you said, your neighbours don’t know you. All they heard was a child screaming bloody murder so they contacted the police. Any reasonable person would have done the same. The reality may be that your daughter has a health condition that caused this, they weren’t to know that. It’s a shit situation but surely you can see things from an outside perspective? Try not to dwell on it as your daughter needs you

op I think your better moving this to the SN boards.

If there is a history of DV I would thank my lucky stars that your neighbours are looking out for you.

Your DD had just been in the swimming pool. No need to force her into the shower.

I have a feeling that if the OP does not force the hygiene issue and her daughter starts to smell and get picked on for that, the OP will be held responsible for that.

Re cutting the hair into a close cropped style: I remember a thread where a mother was debating whether to cut her daughter's waist length hair to a more manageable shoulder length because her daughter has sensory issues and keeping it tangle free was becoming a nightmare. There were posters telling the OP how awful she was for putting her child in an "institutional haircut" as a result of her disability. "It reminds me of the days when kids with SN were put into pudding bowl haircuts....." etc. etc. This was a simple shoulder length hairstyle that the OP was proposing to do, by the way!

Parents literally cannot fucking win on here.

OP, no advice but you have my sympathy.

Hi OP, some good advice on here but also lots of judgment - I'd second not fighting your DD to get her hair washed, but then I don't know how watched you feel by her school, school mums, neighbours - but above all I just want to say don't beat yourself up.

You've ended an abusive relationship and that's a big thing, congratulations!

You've got plenty to be proud of and I wouldn't be too sure that the neighbours could tell your ex-partner wasn't involved in this fight. Clearly the police thought he might be part of it. Just act normal towards your neighbours. Yes they may be judgmental but they also did the right thing; it could have been a dangerous situation. It'll blow over.

Please don’t be hard on yourself.

In context of previous domestic violence, it’s definitely possible that the neighbour rang the police with the safeguarding of you in mind. Unless the house is attached with thin walls, shouting is just shouting.

My nephew and niece both have autism. It’s endless stress for my sister. They are incredible children and she loves them dearly and cares for them very well. But it’s a lot. I have no idea how she does it!

She’s got to a point where she cares less about what other people think about the children and their meltdowns. She handles these situations as well as she possibly can and that’s all she can do; she doesn’t have energy or bandwidth to spare beyond that.

Perhaps the issue at the heart of this is that you don’t like that you shouted, especially if you’ve experienced verbal abuse. That it was loud enough for the neighbours to call the police perhaps amplifies any sense of disappointment or shame you might (unnecessarily) feel.

But life skills are iterative. We don’t start off automatically knowing that dactyl what to do or how to be in every situation that’s thrown at us. We’re all constantly making adjustments to how we respond to certain situations based on the experience we gain, usually from getting it a bit wrong - how I responded doesn’t feel good, it wasn’t me, next time I want to respond this way…

You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve come out of a difficult relationship and you are caring for an autistic child with self awareness. You’re doing amazing. It doesn’t take a genius to guess the strains your under and so I’m sure your neighbours are rooting for you.

Take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come; how much better things feel now. Take a deep breath. Smile. And look forward to the start of a new day.

Good luck with it all! X

Such a lovely post. You sound like a great Aunty.

Don't force your child to shower like that op it sounds really traumatic for her. Nothing bad would have happened.

I know someone who also had the police called on them, with the threat of SS involvement, for similar reasons.
Again nothing came of it.

As pp have said, that tipping point of her being too old/big, for physical persuasion, has arrived. Time to research other strategies for behaviour management. Good luck.

I never make my autistic child shower. He can't bear the feeling of he water hitting his skin. He takes baths instead

Hi op. I have a 10 year old dd awaiting diagnosis for ASD. Your description of the things leading up to the meltdown and the meltdown itself are like reading my own life right now. I'm waiting for the police most nights when one of these happenls as it must sound absolutely horrific to our neighbours. I will admit in the heat of the moment and after 2 hours of it going on some nights I've sometimes wished they would because to my adled brain it might provide the distraction she needs to start calming down. I probably wouldn't force the shower, only for my own sanity but I totally empathise with those moments when faced with a meltdown you choose a path to follow and realise it's not the right one once things have already escalated. We are only human and it is fucking hard and I don't know about you but each meltdown I'm learning something new. Mainly what doesn't work. Try to think of it like that. You now know that gone are the days when you could force a shower, that approach doesn't work and I'm pretty sure you won't be doing it again

OP

this might be an ignorant question but why doesn't she wash her hair at the place she goes swimming?

Yup yup yup.and the internal battle she was facing.that demon intent on making her believe anythi g til the death was so hard to penetrate.anx my god the noises from our house sometimes.
Others wouldn't have got it.it would have been a mnet chuck her out don't let her behave that way moments!
But that illness was a bitch. I can't believe she was brave enough to try fight it every day.
Trouble is we all had to too.and it could be horrid.horrid horrid.make her do and act like no noal person could comprehend never mind her .
And ultimately it was down like your cat to getting her to feel safe.
After all the illness is actually about that.that fear,unmet need and need for safety.
You just have to keep going to find a way in.those sentences that break the ed wall with our love.
I'd say when anxiety gets that far into the fight or flight you won't be able to be heard.so it us about how to get this situation down to safety.
How to tell her she's ok.make her belief it.
So op I think if your d's getting into those states it needs to be about getting her back down to land
otherwise she's just seeing the fog in front of her face.
But you are NOT a bad mum.
Your learning and trying to do what s best and we all get it wrong.
What would have happened if you'd tried a calmer distraction first then come back to it
Maybe shall we go watch for So then you can see if your up to that shower for me k don't want your hair to get knotted if u sleep on it.
Or fancy some toast first.see if the shower sounds ok after?
It's ok to not feel up to things but try make her feel like your doing stuff as a team.that she helping you out by doing as you say less than being bossed around.

I have an autistic 10 year old dd and I'm amazed my neighbours haven't called the police/social services yet ! Morning meltdowns before school are horrendous and my dd shouts and screams the place down. My dd hates having baths or hair washes so I'm afraid I don't enforce them most of the time. You are not a bad mum

We had an awful meltdown a few weekends ago with lots of shouting and I nearly died when I looked out the window to see a police van drawing up! Thankfully it was for the flats across the road where there's constant trouble.

Thank you for all the replies. I was expecting maybe three or four. I've read them all.

We were both in a bad place yesterday. We talked about things calmly after and apologised, had hugs, said I-love-yous and she read to me before bed. She was calm and happy and acted as if nothing had happened.

For context, she has incredibly 'high-functioning' autism (I hate that term and am aware it's offensive but I struggle to find another to describe it?). Her issue with hair washing yesterday was not a sensory one; she loves baths, showers, swimming, water fights, playing with the hose-pipe etc and swims underwater at the pool. Hair washing is never usually a big issue. Yesterday it was more the fact that she just didn't want to and wahted to continue watchibg YouTube, as opposed to finding it stressful or uncomfortable.

Sadly, if she had her way, her hair would never get washed and she wouldn't care if it was gross or stinky. Her hair is long and incredibly thick. I regularly ask if she wants it cut or thinned (I do it myself as she doesn't like going to the hairdresser) and she always refuses and she knows that keeping the hair long and thick means it takes longer to wash, dry and care for. That's her choice. Having tangled, matted chloriney hair isn't a choice.

She won't have her hair washed at the pool due to other people present. She will happily rinse her body under the jets but not her hair which is why we do it in private when we get home. I have offered to get her a swim cap so it doesn't need a wash but she's refused that on account of them being 'ugly'.

Yesterday was a one off. We have regular meltdowns but this one was unusually bad. I accept I didn't handle it well and lost myself a bit. My focus was skewed and I didn't act the way I should have and I was wrong. I have told her this and apologised and reassured her that I love her more than anything in the world.

Today she is happy and calm. We may take a walk to the park later and she is staying with her dad tonight which will be nice.

Thank you all for the concern, comments and advice. I will look into some of the things that have been suggested to prevent things like this from happening again going forward.

French braids might help with the hair washing if you think she could sit long enough and they're easy to learn (though you might wanna buy a training head and practise on that first)

One of mine had very long, very fine hair which she hated washing and brushing and due to be being curly and fine it tangled horribly. I would put in two french or dutch braids while it was still damp from washing and then we could forget about it until the next hair wash day. They stay in pretty well and usually last a week once you get good at them.