Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

Glad things are calmer today. I'm sorry you're having a such horrible time & I'm sorry that you've had to read harsh comments on here. People need to walk a mile in our shoes to fully understand our day to day lives. Take care & love to your daughter ❤️xx

Good for you OP- and the PP's who are telling the OP to apologise to the neighbours and give them chocolates. Why?!! So every time her DD has a meltdown, she must go to the neighbours and apologise? No! We are always apologising for our Autistic children, it's not everything that we always have to apologise.

You need to lower your demands and I say this with kindness! We didn't realise our now 21yr old DD was autistic and we ended up with me getting physically hurt on several occasions with me trying to force the sort of things you are now. STOP NOW! Go on the PDA website for support and strategies. One of our other daughters - now 12 is dx autistic - she sometimes doesn't wash regularly. She has a demand avoidant profile and you need to understand that demands can be their own and just every day things.

I can understand why you are upset but I think you can also see why the neighbour did this.

They were absolutely right to call the police if they thought a child was being hurt. The police did their job too by checking up on you and making sure everything was fine.

It must be really tough to be on your own and going through this.

Have you tried introducing yourself to your neighbours and letting them know that your daughter has special needs and that she will often have tantrums that you can do nothing about? this would help with them understanding better your situation.

I would also look at what support could be available to you so you can get help to cope with this.

there is no such thing as 'high' functioning autism. Your child is still awaiting an assessment however if confirmed she will be an autistic child. You should then request post diagnostic support assuming the diagnosis is confirmed

@secular39 If you're referring to my post, you've misunderstood. It wasn't to apologise for being autistic, but merely to break the ice that she doesn't know her neighbours and she could then explain what was happening yesterday...

@OP I can see why the bad night may have escalated, reading your follow up post.

Not wanting to stop watching YouTube to wash hair would come across as plain old defiance if she were neurotypical. But a neurotypical child probably would have responded to the threat of consequences. Whereas autistic (and also ADHD) people can have a lot of trouble with transitions, basically trouble switching from one task to the next.

Stuff like YouTube, TV shows, iPad, video games: all of it is very stimulating (for anyone). It creates a constant dopamine reward response in the brain, IIRC. When you're wired a bit different for dopamine, it can be difficult to let go of the task you're focused on.

If your DD is autistic, you've probably seen that struggle with transitioning from one thing to another in more than just that one scenario. If you think of the times when you've had more success than difficulty with transitions, what went right? I use timers, alarms, long verbal time warnings ("15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute"), and sometimes "one more thing and then it's time" to help my own DDs with transitions. When I remember to be calm and patient. 😛

Another thought: If she's 9 years old, and she's choosing to keep her hair that long and thick, but she's not choosing to take care of it properly, then that's creating more work for you, right? And it will create even more work for you as you go further along in pregnancy. If you have any complications to work around later on (thinking of friends of mine who have had to go on bed rest in the final weeks), then you won't be able to help her with her hair for much longer. Your baby's needs will also divert a lot of your attention once it's born.

Are you able to wait for a calm moment, and then see if you can start a conversation with your DD about what she needs to do to look after her hair properly, by herself? Just to explain that you're pregnant, being pregnant makes you more tired than you used to be, and that she's old enough to take a little more responsibility for her hair. And then try your best to step back and leave her to it.

She may have to experience some more frustration of trying to wash, detangle, and look after her hair herself, before she considers the idea of cutting it to a more manageable length. My own 8 year-old DD went through that before asking me to cut her hair to just below her shoulders.

If you can have that calm conversation with her, then you can remind her that if she doesn't stay on top of looking after her own hair properly, it may knot up to the point where it can't be brushed, and a big matted knot may have to be cut off anyway. And if that's the state she lets it get in, that will be a choice she is making. She's been warned, you've informed her, you've spent years showing her what she needs to do. You will have done your bit.

Believe it or not, a neurotypical friend of mind had to go through exactly that experience when she was 8-9 years old to finally take care of her hair herself. No joke, she turned up for the first day of school one year with a pixie cut. It is the only pixie she ever had or needed in her life.