Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

Really sorry OP. That sounds really tough.
Please try and speak to your DD to find a solution to this. I’m so sorry it’s so tough.

I feel for you OP. Just remember you are doing a really good job in very difficult circumstances. The neighbour obviously cares about you and your DD or he/she wouldn’t have bothered to call the police to check on you. Can you not see it that way a little at least? I wouldn’t have enforced hair washing during a meltdown but I don’t have ND kids so maybe it’s different. Mine would have usually let me negotiate a hair wash later once they were calm or I’d leave it til the following day. I’d suggest you need to start finding some other techniques that work as she’s too big to be forced by the sounds of it. PPs have given some good suggestions on organisations to link with for my support and suggestions of techniques that may work better.

I think that when you properly calm down you'll be glad that there is someone looking out for you - likely the person who knocked on the door first to check everything was ok. It's so easy for people to think it's not their business. I'm not surprised you're not feeling like that yet though! Hope you feel much better soon.

Wow. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. Have some compassion people! This is a lone pregnant woman, who had an Autistic child and has recently left an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry but we are human. Imagine having a big 9 year old child, who is having an intense meltdown, with high screaming and shouting and you all are all holy and thou-- it's not great to shout but you can get, I sure would be. But I would reflect and try to be calm next time.

The bath thing wasn't wise, but we are human, we may mistakes and hopefully we learn from this. Not only that, if a child does not have good hygiene from a young age, not only would they be ridiculed in school for smelling but imaging in adulthood! Where no job wants to hire the person who has very poor hygiene - you just need to read some of the posts on here where colleagues are putting complaints about the person who stinks in the office. Not only that/ it would be classed as neglect. If a child has very greasy hair, which looked like it hasn't been washed for days/weeks, has bad teeth, Autistic or not, I would be told to report that to safeguarding as it's Neglect. I'm all for those Neurodiversity woo but our Autistic children also have to leave in the real (cruel) world. There was a recent news about a boy with ASD, poor mental health and very young (25) who has been given a life sentence for life murdering his Grandfather. Do you think the judge cared whether he has mental health difficulties and Autism?! No! She didn't. That's an extreme version but this lack attitude of ASD (oh we shouldn't give them a bath if they don't want it, we shouldn't wash their hair, we should let them eat whatever they want, we shouldn't care if they hit another child, we shouldn't care if they abused their parents, it doesn't matter. There Autistic right?

Did you miss that the OP said "I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue." so it seems that the neighbour did knock but got no answer, hence the police visit afterwards. The neighbour did nothing wrong.

You’ve kind of made my point for me. Ten minutes later? Seriously ? Some people have no idea what others have to put up with.

i can say that I was where you are a few years ago and things have improved. It might not just be the hair washing that upset your daughter but the noise, echoes, smells, bright lights, journey, crowds of the swimming pool and it has taken me years to identify what upsets my dds.

If this is the case I’d avoid swimming altogether. No need to voluntarily take her somewhere that makes her so distressed afterwards when there are so many other fun activities.

That could have been the knock the OP heard 10 minutes before the police were there?

OP, don't beat yourself up about it. It happened. It's done.

The neighbours were probably right to be concerned, better it was checked out than ignored.

What can you do now to mean such a situation won't recur? Was dd's hair dirty or tangled? If not dirty, can you get away with combing thru spray conditioner? Is hair washing always a trigger? Would dd manage better with shorter hair? Can she wash it herself? With you being pregnant and her growing up, you can't be manhandling her for this.

You'll be fine, your daughter will be fine. Don't worry about the neighbours. If they're nice, explain about dd's diagnosis and meltdowns. If they're not, who cares.

I share your pain. Our social worker had no understanding of PDA & didn't read the information sent to her...... just ploughed on believing that when my daughter wasn't able to wash or change her clothes etc during a burnout/breakdown then this was down to our neglect & abuse. So shocking and so dangerous.

That could have really dangerous results if the DV abuser OP mentioned had been hurting her or her daughter at the time.

It's not always safe or wise to knock, especially not for a DV victim as they are likely to be punished by their abuser if the abuser isn't immediately removed from the home. Something the police can do but a neighbour can't.

On this occasion, it wasn't the abuser but the neighbour couldn't have known that.

But why wait? If it’s as bad as they suspect waiting could be a terrible idea

It wasn’t in this instance but calling is no bad thing as help could be required

You're right, its far too long, shame the police didnt get there sooner. She could have been dead in that time

My eleven year old DS has sensory processing issues and autistic traits, although not a full diagnosis of autism. Hair washing and showers are a big issue. One advantage of swimming is sometimes that he will wash his hair there. He also prefers baths to showers. But there are times now where I know he should shower and it will lead to a meltdown, so I focus on just getting him to bed. My ex was very rigid with showers having to happen every day, but in fact, that is a modern luxury and no-one dies if they wait a day for a shower, and it’s not like ex is the one ever making a child shower. Don’t internalise other people’s standards of how things should be with a child with additional needs but focus on what works for you and her. Yes she needs to shower but does she need to shower right at that point?

Can you comb conditioner through her hair and plait it if she does not want to shower straight after swimming and then wash in the morning when she is less over-stimulated? that would stop it getting matted.

Yes, sorry, another one saying you can’t be forcing a 9YO into the shower. Tomorrow morning would have been better or whenever she decides that her hair is matted and needs a wash on her own.

One of my children is autistic and doesn’t shower as much as I’d like, but it’s even less when I try and persuade her in. Without the pressure, she’s much more likely to feel that she wants to make that choice herself.

It must have sounded pretty violent for neighbours to call the police-
And to be fair, it would be you, the adult they would have been listening to.

Fighting a child into the shower sounds nuts.
Showering at the pool is the norm, surely?

Definitely try to be calmer with her, shouting and screaming yourself just inflames the situation.

With a baby in the mix it is going to get tougher , as your daughter is bound to feel jealous on some levels.

Try and be a lot calmer, generally.

Easier said than done if shouting is “ Go to” discipline style, but it is possible to change to a more effective style.

Was she hungry after swimming?
Hunger makes kids grumpy, without a doubt.

Don’t get stressed - it happened to me many years ago. My son had a melt down and threw a metal Thomas the tank engine off our balcony and landed in the neighbours balcony below. (could have killed somebody!) and the below neighbours called the police. By the time they came he was in bed asleep but they asked to come in ect. I was mortified and full of anxiety but it was a one off incident and It happens. They have to check …

I'm on to child number 6 now. Out of the 6 he is far the dirtiest. He is now 13 and now showers without much ado. It's taken a few years to get this far.
All im saying is - dirty happy children and a stress free evening. Or clean and very unhappy children and a visit from the police?
Maybe ask her to just rinse her hair in the shower at the pool? And comb some leave in conditioner in?

Remember to get your rest when you can. Xxx

You should not be forcing a hair wash unless there was something like poo in her hair. I think you know that though,
Find her currency and bribe her.
Try to be kind to yourself.

Oh give over..

Sending you a big hug O.P
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day, a new day. For your own sake try and pick your battles as they say. Am sure it's so hard at times with a child with additional needs. You are only human and you are doing your best. Look after yourself and your baby and good luck with all.

I second the person who mentioned PDA. Look it up and join some support groups so you can learn better ways to react to these meltdowns which will help both of you. When your daughter doesn't want her hair washed it's not a choice for her. Hopefully after being assessed she can get a therapist to deal with the domestic abuse she witnessed as well.

I'm all for those Neurodiversity woo but our Autistic children also have to leave in the real (cruel) world.

FFS. It's was one night. One hair wash. With an autistic child myself I pick my battles. If there's even a hint of what the OP suggests going down, it's really not worth the battle as the following morning they will do it willingly.

You seriously can't compare this to some kid killing their grandparent? You make it sounds like we're all pandering to our kids.

For whatever reason, it was too much for OP 's daughter to have that hair wash. Why the hell would you still insist they should do it??

Lots of good advice on this thread.

We dont think youre a bad mum. But you need to change your tactics and strategies.

Normal strategies dont work with asd. You really need to read around the subject and gather strategies - as a pp said find her currency. Online groups are good and I recommend

• how to talk so children will listen
• autism - a practical guide for parents

Your neighbours are looking out for your dc.

Autistic mum to an autistic 10yo with PDA profile and Tourette’s. It gets loud.

similar thing happened to me about a year ago and I still haven’t got over wondering which one of my neighbours reported me. I thought I was on good terms with them, but apparently not enough to warrant approaching me directly or even asking how we are doing afterwards.

The police were actually lovely, one of them had an autistic child too and he had so much empathy and reassured me that they had no concerns.