Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

I'm surprised at PP saying they would not force a child to wash / wash hair.

We have a child with learning disabilities and PDA. Our social workers have requested that we force our child to wash, change clothes and clean his teeth. This means two of us doing this once a week. It's extremely dangerous for all of us but not doing as the social workers tell us may also be considered neglect....

Ohhh OP. I'm sure your doing your very best but pick your battles. You should of left the hair wash... you tried and she didn't want. Your pregnant too.

you can pick your battles with things like the shower. My 9 year old, part way through assessment, looks like a wild thing at times as she doesn’t like brushing her hair. I only push for the hair wash once a week, and she sits in the bath and watches a film on her phone during that.

It’s a sensory thing and she isn’t doing it on purpose. Manhandling someone with sensory difficulties won’t help either of you, it’s not respectful of her and her body.

OPS pregnant though. Considering what it lead to... it must of been quite bad.

OPS child was not thilthy I would usually agree with you if it's been going on days and your child had not had a wash... but that doesn't sound like the case here.

It sounds really hard op

Could you have left out the hair wash?

Hey OP, have you seen the shower caps that let you do a dry shampoo? A friend uses one for her autistic son and swears by them. Just trying to suggest a positive solution :)

God almighty. Don’t know where to start with how wrong this is.

I don't think that's any of your business.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt this child isn’t dirty or unclean the mum just wants her to wash her hair again after swimming. With an autistic person water can be a big sensory issue so if this child had been swimming already OP should have put her in the shower at the pool and left it at that. Bringing her home and then insisting an hour later she must wash it then getting physical and leading to a melt down was not an appropriate response …

OP you say you have a 'working diagnosis' but your approach to your daughter didnt seem to be working on the basis that she has a diagnosis and Im wondering why that is

Has she got a pictorial weekly rota/routine, so for example swimming night would have a picture of swimming and then the next task would be a picture of her washing her hair. You could then ask her rather than tell her 'what comes next?'

If she looks at her rota and says its hair washing she will feel more in control of that next task, or she might say hair washing and Im not doing that, and then like others have said I wouldnt have pushed it, she will wash her hair another time anyway.

Its right your neighbour called for help, they had no idea what was going on and you both obviously need a lot of support

I'm old but, when I was a kid we only had a bath and washed our hair once week and that was on a Sunday. It was a common tradition at the time. In the summer we went swimming everyday - no parents in sight. Never washed our hair afterwards that's for sure. Pick your battles.

@Rosscameasdoody - Erm, I’d like you to start… as I can’t see anything in that post that is “wrong”.

She's too big for that. No judgement but tbh I wouldn't even do that with my two year old. If she really doesn't want to wash her hair we don't and try again the next day. Also you must take care of yourself and unborn child and not put yourself at risk of being accidentally injured.

Good luck to you, sounds like things are really tough. Start with an apology in the morning and work from there. Fuck the neighbours, they probably are judging you but you have to get on with life

Sounds like a massive difference between you and the OP. OPs daughter had just got back from swimming, she was squeaky clean even if she had chlorinated hair.

Your child (how old?) is only doing this once per week and thats due to you needing to manhandle him, if you didnt I assume that he wouldnt have clean teeth or be washed. Thats a huge difference and there will come a time when you wont be able to do this anyway and it wont be appropriate

@Galvanisethis exactly 😄

Our ASD/SLD son shrieks throughout the weekly trim of his finger and toe nails. He's not really fighting me, he just dislikes having his hands and feet held still to do this; and he has no idea how loud he shrieks because he is also deaf. Every week I say/think that if the wrong person walked past our house, they would think I am torturing him or worse. Fortunately our neighbours are aware of his disabilities and have probably come to accept that this happens regularly after his Saturday evening bath.

OP you have my sympathy (even though you don't want it!) It probably didn't even sound particularly loud or harsh to you at the time, because you face battles like this every day.

The previous poster is entirely correct.

I have no experience of parenting, so not gonna comment on that except to say that it must be incredibly tough, no parent gets it right all the time, and please be kind to yourself.

On the neighbour calling the police - I completely understand your embarrassment, but I think your neighbour did the right thing. They heard a child screaming and an adult shouting - far better that be checked out in an innocent situation like yours, than them thinking the child is just being difficult when they actually were being harmed.

@Laurakiaora

Firstly I hope your ok?

Secondly your allowed to be upset and embarrassed but remember whoever called the police did it as they cared about yours and yours daughters safety and they wouldn't want you to be embarrassed.

Thirdly you are doing an amazing job Preparing your daughter that hair washing needed to happen- I have experience with children with ASD and this may not work but It may do so will share it- I call it the sandwich technique

Something she likes- swimming
Something she doesn't like- hair wash
Something she likes again/ anything her fav tv programme/ her iPad- snack or supper if she's motivated by food.

Then as you already did you tell her what's going to happen now and next
We are going swimming and then you have to wash your hair.
We have to wash your hair now but we will do it quickly and then you can watch Bing etc.

Hope this helps- reach out your local social services department will have a dedicated disabilities or additional needs team or a preventive team there's will be groups for you to attend with other parents so you can share these experiences and tips.

You are doing an amazing job you left the abusive relationship for your children. Hold your head up high- you got this.

I'm surprised the neighbours haven't called the police on me at times. I've shouted and screamed and completely lost my mind at times. I too left an abusive relationship and found it hard to cope - it wasn't just the lack of support but the aftermath of being abused and how it affected me mentally. Please try not to worry about the neighbours and what people think, what matters is that you're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.

What do you mean 'fuck the neighbours'?? Tbh if I heard a 9 year old screaming for a prolonged period whilst being yelled out I'd be concerned too..we are all supposed to be responsible for safeguarding children right? Don't think the neighbours did anything wrong here 🤷

Op...

Ot os tricky. She is reaching the age she can't physically be moved held...i have a 15 year old who is bigger than me ( also has asd ) save your nattles..sometimes you have to eait till things have calmed till you can try again.. Also my son is definitely more a carrot rather than stick child. At the point of meltdown .. no point threatening she is out of control , when she calms then talk to her.. what you could do differently next time.

Not judging but been there too

Op, S much as this is very hard I also don’t think forcing her into thr shower and shouting at her throughout is acceptable. I understand she needed her hair washing but this isn’t the way to manage it. I’d urge you to seek help to manage situations like this as it could be perceived as abusive to do this to her.

I empathise with you OP. My ASD son (now 19) loved swimming but as everyone knows you are never get properly clean in the swimming showers and we always had a proper shower at home. Mainly for the fact my son smells everything and he couldn't stand the smell of the chlorine by the time we got home. You also are in the way of a routine so swim home then hair washed and depending on the type of her hair she has she probably needs her hair washed to get rid of all the chlorine. Your doing a great job OP I know its hard but your a great mum.

I've had neighbours knock on my door and run away to indicate they were watching, when my youngest had a beezer of a meltdown, years ago. She is not autistic, but we very had loud battles about hygiene while she was going through different development stages.

Are any sensory issues that your daughter has about getting her hair washed related to getting water or shampoo in her eyes?

Just thinking that if she enjoys the pool, maybe being wet isn't the issue?

One of my daughters still likes to wear swimming goggles when she gets her hair washed. It's not convenient. But it is reassuring to her, and sometimes we can compromise with it: the band can be off her head so I can get the shampoo and conditioner onto her hair, but she holds the goggles tight over her eyes until I'm done.

Thinking of my 8 year old and the size she's at, she's too heavy to haul around anywhere anymore. Damaging your back, or risking a blow to your belly, isn't worth it to me. If your daughter is autistic, then her not doing as she's told isn't a reflection on you: it's not an indication of discipline at home. Her responses will be more deeply rooted than "screw you mom".

I hope you're able to get some respite and help. Learning how to handle strong sensory issues while expecting a baby and leaving a toxic relationship would be very stressful for anyone.