Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

That’s a really rough thing to happen.

I think the most important thing though is to contact GP / SS and get more help to manage your daughter. At nine she could hurt you or herself because you can’t contain her, and this will be harder to manage as the baby arrives and starts to toddle as she gets bigger.

She is neuro diverse so it’s all understandable, but please do reach out for more support.

As for your neighbours they meant well, if there are only a few places it could be you could always knock on the door, and say you are sorry if they were disturbed but your daughter has xx and by evening this just means she’s prone to the odd meltdown.

I really feel for you but it’s not the end of the world - it’s the next stage you need to put your energy into.

@Laurakiaora stick today in the fuck it bucket and once DD has gone to bed go onto Etsy and buy a window sticker that says

“my child has autism” for the front window and the back of your car. They’re about £2 each.

This will help people know that she may run across the road, scream or be non verbal.

Just an idea for the short term until your neighbours learn. I’m autistic and even at age 35 I had a huge meltdown and then sheepishly went around to my neighbours and explained that I’m autistic. They were so understanding. I was mortified by myself.

The police coming over is a good thing. With all the child abuse out there - it’s good that the police came so quickly. x

I would try and look at it a different way. Your neighbours are caring enough to call in help if they think a child is in distress. It’s no reflection on you, especially as the police were satisfied. But in the future you now know they’re looking out for the well-being of your daughter, which is good. Think of all the people who just let things go and the child isn’t like yours (from a loving family), and ends up abused and possibly worse. This could be an opportunity to speak to your neighbours and say thanks for keeping a lookout (especially if you have an abusive ex), you may even get offers of help going forward

Another hug from me OP.

You sound like your having an incredibly tough time. But I promise you it will pass and brighter days are ahead.

You have my sympathy too- glad you’ve had some good replies.

been there with a DS with ADHD.

it’s key to get some help - because it’s really easy to go down the road of trying to follow through on a request like ‘wash your hair’ to its ultimate conclusion as you would with a neurotypical child - make them do it. The really different thing with a neurodiverse person is that there come a point where it just doesn’t matter what they’ve been asked- they aren’t thinking any more.

books like ‘the explosive child’ basically show you how to manage this - look back on events that cause meltdown and next time you can manage what you expect. You can talk to her about how bad it is not to wash her hair another time - when she’s calmer. If you’ve gone past a certain point you have to step away and talk later- and this doesn’t feel right if you’ve been steeped in the usual child behaviour stuff of ‘consequences’ straight away and time out. But it is necessary once a person is lost the ability to reason safely. It feels like giving in but it really isn’t.

ice had time when I’ve expected someone to call the police. I think many of us have if we are honest and have any kind of asd or adhd in the family.

I wouldn't have bothered washing hair after a swim either.

Dealing with meltdowns is tough OP. Keeping your cool when they have lost it is so so difficult. I don’t want you to think this post comes from a place of judgment it comes from a place of experience with ASD meltdowns.
She is too old for you to force her into a shower and wash her hair. It will only escalate her hatred of hair washing and it really crossed the line. In a calm moment you need to see if there is a sensory issue going on for her and if there is figure out if there is an adjustment that can be made to make things easier for her. It’s been a couple years since I have dealt with a meltdown with DS and it took a long time to figure out all the triggers and how best to handle it. Some autistic kids have more meltdowns then others but you can help her be more comfortable in this world.

It’s difficult and isolating dealing with a child who has autism going through a tantrum. My middle DC has autism. He’s now 10 and even though the meltdowns are not as frequent now, they used to be really difficult to deal with for both DC and the rest of the family. I really wouldn’t be upset with your neighbour’s actions as it shows they care and would do the right thing to protect a child. Obviously your child was not in any danger, but it’s reassuring to hear your neighbours didn’t ignore the sounds of what sounded to them as a distressed child.

Don't worry about what the neighbours think. If I heard a similar situation near me, I'd have called the police too because I would have felt terrible if something was really wrong and one of you got hurt. If I knew about the previous abuse I'd be even more worried. I wouldn't be calling because I was judging your parenting. If I had called the police and later seen you in the street in one piece I'd have been relieved, not judging you. Someone has your back.

I'm not going to weigh in on the ins and outs of if your DD should have washed her hair, I think that all sounds fine but others have way more experience than me.

What I did want to suggest though is that potentially your neighbours didn't know it was you and DD fighting? Sorry if that's made clear in the OP but often when you hear fighting it's the general noise you hear and not the specifics, and given your history they may have been concerned about you rather than your DD, not knowing there was no one else around?

Please don't be too hard on yourself, have a treat this evening and the embarrassment will fade with time, you did nothing wrong

I also agree that she is now too old for you to force her to do anything unless it’s something to avoid a dangerous situation.

One of your neighbours cares enough for your daughter and you, that when they feared one of you might have been at risk they called for help. They were probably worried it was an incident involving your Ex. You don't need to feel embarrassed about that. It's a positive; neighbours are looking out for you. You've got a safety net.

What you could do is say to (any ) close neighbour "You may have seen the police here the other day. My DD had an awful melt down, it was a tricky situation and I'm really glad someone had the sense to call back-up."

Do they still sell swim caps? Maybe take her to buy one and tell her she has the choice of wearing one or washing her hair without a fuss after a swim, but letting her hair be damaged from chlorine isn’t an option.

Personally I would face this head on and go and talk to the neighbours. Tell them you have a daughter with ASD and it's a challenging situation and there are good and bad days. Thank them for their concern and say if they have any issues or questions, they are welcome to come and ask you.

Good luck op. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It went wrong today but you will try again and manage it better next time. You are pregnant and we all get tired from time to time. The neighbours weren't wrong to call the police. But equally, you are on your own and trying to do your best.

Big hugs. You have a lot on your plate and need some support.
On the flip side, you could ask Social Care to refer you to repite and support groups and get extra support with baby when born. Recognising that you had a bad day shows you are not a bad mum. Please don't let the neighbours make you feel you need to hide, you have done nothing wrong.

You might have wanted your dd to wash her hair but it was foolish to try to force her especially when you are pregnant and the baby could get hurt. I would make her miss swimming next week and remind her it is because she refused to have her hair cut. If it is an ongoing issue just get it cut really short. Professional advise is never to manhandle or use physical force. I am a Foster Carer and if I did that it would be classified as a safeguarding issue. You should not shout at your dd as all it teachers her is to shout to get her own way. Better to distance yourself while you cool down then try to calmly explain but is dd still refuses then she has matted hair and if necessary a hair cut.

The hair wont be damaged from chlorine and she would have washed it at a later date no doubt, even if it was weeks later

Swim caps always really hurt my head and I hated the tightness and the way it dragged at the hair. Not ideal

@Laurakiaora you can also get anti collision soft wall stickers! And also a bouncy remote cover.

When I was this age my meltdown was chucking things at walls - including glass, mobile phones, cups and remotes. The wall stickers would have been amazing!

x

I had issues getting one of mine to bathe when she was younger. I used to let her take my (waterproof) phone into the bath.

Might something like that help, OP? A treat she is only allowed in the shower/bath?

New day tomorrow for you both

I can assure I have had some very stressful days recently. My youngest is almost 5yo and has meltdowns regularly, daily basis. DH and I get kicked, hit, spat at etc. I have shouted too. I had to apologise and also accept it was a bad day. We get another chance tomorrow 💐 you are not alone.

It's tough OP, really tough.
I've got better at defusing some meltdowns with experience and DS (11) maturing a bit. I've also ended up stressed and aggravating them.

DS is no great fan of hair washing but is gradually grasping that clean hair is easier to comb. We try to do it at the swimming pool as it reduces transitions. If we can't and it's done at home, he's dried out and it's a lot of extra palaver to go back and get back into that mindset again. Fortunately as a "high functioning" child we can apply reason and debrief when he's in a functional state. When he gets overwhelmed that's out the window and he's best left to defuse quietly- not always easy/ practical!

It can be alarming to hear an older child melting down, and it's better to frame it as the neighbours caring about DD's welfare which has been found to be all in order.

I've had numerous times that I've wondered what the neighbours have made of DS's meltdowns.

They probably phoned because they care, people don't just phone the police to get people in trouble, but to help protect them. Chances are they thought the abusive ex was back and called to make sure you and your DD were okay- I'd say that's decent neighbours to be honest.