Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

You really shouldn’t be forcing a 9 year old into the shower and shouting at her. Poor girl. Have you had any support with parenting courses etc. You need to find better ways to support her.

You're not alone, op. I went to speak to my neighbour about my autistic ds after one particular meltdown which involved the whole family screaming. She was very understanding and actually pretty supportive. She (or anyone else) could have easily called the police and they'd have been right to with the noise that was coming out of our house!

Over time I have learned to choose my battles with ds. This has helped to reduce meltdowns. He has also become much more compliant when we have discussed things calmly and spoken in advance about what we're going to be doing. It has been a massive learning curve for me.
Please reach out for some support locally to you, if you can? The gp or camhs team should be able to signpost you to parent groups.
Don't be too hard on yourself - you sound like a lovely, caring mum

I've called the police on my neighbour during similar incidents. My neighbour is doing the best she can, I'm sure, but her DS has global development delay and I'm sure she has some sort of additional needs too but the way she shouts and speaks to him is unacceptable. He often has meltdowns (which is fine, I understand and would never complain about the noise from this). She loses control shouts and swears at him regularly, calls him a fucking retard, he's about 7. I call the police because its child abuse - emotional neglect, and I feel the child is at risk of harm, and also so that she can get the support that she needs.

Completely agree with this.

My six year old autistic DC has a huge meltdown over hair washing every time it needs to be done including literally screaming at top volume, sometimes attacking and violence as well. I do have to literally force them otherwise they would simply never have their hair washed. I keep hair washes to a minimum once per week or so and use everything I can to make it easier and quicker but still. Sometimes you unfortunately do have to use force against their will when it comes to very basic hygiene measures that they find traumatic. Still makes you feel awful though.

What will happen if you don’t wash it though @fratellia ? (With the exception of it being actually dirty, or with sand in). Or if you just went swimming and left it that? (If your DC goes swimming)

I understand things like toothbrushing as essential to avoid decay, and washing so that the person doesn’t smell or develop infections. But when hair washing is that traumatic for someone, does it really need to be done once a week?

Big hugs op. I have a 12yr old dd with asd and we have had a few battles with hair washing, that's even when I've chosen a calm time to start, but I can't leave it half done. Recently, she had soiled herself badly and had been in the garden with lots of grit in her hair. It took dp and I together, as she really needed a shower too.

Those saying about parenting classes, we don't get that support until after diagnosis where we are. We are currently getting help through Children with Disabilities SW, if you have one they may help.

My worst experience was dd having a huge meltdown in the street, attacking me etc, and some unpleasant woman shouted out the window that I was a disgusting woman. Dd had dropped a small ribbon somewhere on route.

*I hope, with a diagnosis imminent, that you get the family support you need. Clearly, things cannot go on as they are.

Have you any family/friends that you can admit to that you are not coping and get some help ?*

Unfortunately there isn’t really much available in the way of ‘support’ even once you get your diagnosis.

18 months on from diagnosis I am still on a waiting list for a short autism-focussed parenting course, literally the only help that was available. The paediatrician who diagnosed DC even said ‘I wish there was more I could suggest or directions I could point you in for support now they have their diagnosis but sadly there isn’t much’

It’s also limited what family and friends can offer in the way of support when a child has complex needs. My own parents rarely watch my DC when they easily and happily can look after my other child and their other GC as their needs are high, demanding and can be very difficult. Having a child with special needs can also be really isolating and makes it difficult to maintain friendships. People don’t understand.

The best I can suggest is joining online communities for parents of ASD/additional needs children on Facebook and the like. Feels much less lonely to connect with others in a similar position.

I’m sorry op, I’m a single mum with two autistic daughters, one has pda.

Hair washing / bathing has always been difficult and lockdown was good as I didn’t feel under as much pressure to wash my children. It’s all very well for people say not to wash her hair but I know from experience it gets especially knotty after swimming and i have had people asking what was wrong with my child’s hair. At one point I got dd1s hair cut chin length - she wanted this anyway - because it was too much to manage.

i can say that I was where you are a few years ago and things have improved. It might not just be the hair washing that upset your daughter but the noise, echoes, smells, bright lights, journey, crowds of the swimming pool and it has taken me years to identify what upsets my dds.

A couple of recommendations

1. understand the sensory issues that affect your daughter. Mine has poor interoception which is her inner feelings so she finds it hard to understand and express her emotions. She also likes to be hugged tightly when stressed, so has a body sock and weighted blanket but your child might require something else. Increasingly by daughter calms herself with the popping fidget toys


2. We have been using zones of regulation to discuss emotions and devise strategies to help her through the bad ones. You can download sheets with lists of emotions. I discuss my feelings with her and how I regulate myself. This has been really hard for dd2 but after a year we’re getting there


3. encourage her to stim if she needs it. both my dds mask so well because they were afraid of being different but their teachers know if they are rocking (dd2), doodling (dd1), twitching legs (dd1), playing with blu tac under the table (both) it’s what they need to do to calm down


4. Use wipes / flannels to bathe with. One child uses disposable wipes and the other prefers her hands. This is for daily washing although both will happily shower now


5. I think social stories and cartoons can be done to explain bathing. I didn’t do this but I have friends who did.


6. there have been times I have made a solution of cooled boiled water and about 20 % conditioner and sprayed it on dd1s hair to smooth it and make it easier to brush.

I would give your dd a hug and tell her you were wrong to shout and force her to wash her hair and reassure her that you are a team and together you will get through this stage.

i hope this helps.

Perhaps the neighbours don't realise your ex is no longer with you?

The way I look at it -- supposing there had been a break-in, and you were being attacked? You would be grateful that someone alerted the police, so that help was coming if it was needed. I'd say be grateful the neighbours care enough to alert someone in case you needed help. And leave the hair unwashed.

If I knew my neighbour had been going through DV and then I heard shouting, screaming and crying then I wouldn’t hesitate to call the police.

Your neighbour probably knocked and you didn’t answer so was worried your ex was back and holding you both hostage or something.

Never be upset or angry that someone is looking out for you or your child.

Regarding washing hair - sometimes it’s not worth the battle, especially when you’re pregnant and in pain.

If swimming is a regular thing that she enjoys and she’s refusing to wash her hair everytime, then she needs to wear a swimming hat or wash her hair at the swimming pool, else she does get to go.

You could try things like washing it in the sink, waiting until after dinner, waiting until the next day even.

My DD went through a stage where she absolutely HATED having her hair washed.
I allowed her to just go in the bath without washing her hair. I’d put in a load of toys and she picked out bath bombs etc and just had fun without the pressure of hair washing and her hair would get wet in the process.
When she got comfortable with having a bath to wash her body I re-introduced hair washing once a week.
As a treat she was able to pick the movie and we’d have hot chocolate whilst watching it which became a nice little routine.

Big hugs. I haven’t read the whole thread but professionally and personally I know a lot of autistics.I could have been described in the same way as your daughter when I was a child. As much as society is led to believe that emotional dysregulation is a part of being autistic this hasn’t been my experience and I’ve met a lot of autistics who do not struggle with this. The ones who do, do so because they also have ADHD and meds can transform their life. They have mine.

If she is diagnosed as autistic look into an ADHD diagnosis too

All of this!

Would really hope only parents of children with autism/complex needs offer their advice.

It might not just be the hair washing that upset your daughter but the noise, echoes, smells, bright lights, journey, crowds of the swimming pool and it has taken me years to identify what upsets my dds.

I completely agree with this!

My DD even now she’s a teen, can’t come home and jump straight in the shower.

She needs quiet time to decompress and cope with all of the busyness of the day.

Maybe try letting your DD relax and eat dinner and then try again in the evening.

She was having a meltdown because she was overwhelmed, most likely sensory. You should have skipped the shower and not forced her. That would have panicked her even more after she'd shown she wasn't coping. How you are feeling about the neighbours is how she felt about getting her hair washed at that time but she's less able to regulate her emotions.

Do you use any support services?

Your poor daughter. Being manhandled into the shower and then shouted at sounds really stressful. Please get some help and support. This shouldn’t be about how you feel embarrassed about the neighbours, it’s about prioritising her needs and making sure those are met.

You are in a dreadful situation - sending you support and hugs. You might think of writing it all down and maybe calling on your neighbours to explain the issues involved. Ignore the trolls - until you have been there you have no idea

Dear @Laurakiaora Have you ever read the threads on here where someone can hear terrible shouting from their next door neighbours house, and the OP of that thread is asking advice on whether to call the police or not. Nearly always their main concern about calling the police is that their neighbours find out it was them, and then they worry that their neighbours will make life difficult for them, whether the police do or don't walk out of the front door with someone in handcuffs?

The police walked out of your door not looking in the slightest bit worried. Whichever of your neighbours called the police (and I think they were right to do so - it is much better that any incident is checked)
will probably now be feeling a bit embarrassed because they obviously weren't needed in this instance, they might also be worried in case the police think they are trouble makers, so I hope that the police have reassured them on that point.

What I am trying to say here @Laurakiaora is that your neighbour has nothing to feel embarrassed about, and neither do you, so hopefully neither of you will bad about it after a night's sleep. If any of your neighbours are female, and have previously seemed nice, it might be a reasonable idea when you next bump into them to explain about your dear DD to an extent that you feel comfortable with - even if they could give you some emotional support by being empathetic, that could help you a bit.

I agree with most of the other pp that if you were not already so stressed you might have realised that your DD having her hair washed tonight really was not that important. I think (or maybe hope) that if I had had that problem with my ND child when they were a child, I would have probably said something along the lines of

"well when you do want it washing in a few days time, it might take a little longer as the chlorine from the pool water will have made it tangle more than normal, and your scalp will probably be feeling itchy, but with a bit of perseverance we will be able to make you comfortable again"

Obviously, just say it in a matter of fact voice, or even with a slightly sympathetic tone - or if your child would see through that, mine would have done at that age - you could say it more like

"Ok that's fine love, but when you finally come begging me to wash your hair because it is all tangled, smells of old chlorine, and the itchiness is driving you mad, I might help you wash it if I feel like it!"

Of course that sort of ribbing might not work with your DD, but at that age my DC and I often ended up in fits of giggles, but that is probably because I have only really started growing up since my menopause - most outsiders would probably think I was too soft with all of my children...

As I presume you realise, exhaustion and stress (and you have been through far too much stress for at least the last year) take so much out of us, and with the toils your pregnancy is placing on your body, it is not surprising if you can't see the wood for the trees. Also, whether your DD is ND or not, she has pretty much been through the same things as you have, and also knows she is about to have a sibling, but she does not know how that will affect her relationship with you. So with less understanding of why her life has changed so dramatically, I don't think it will be surprising if she starts playing up more anyway. I hope that when she has a full diagnosis, you and she, will get a lot more help and advice.

Have you got any real life support OP, preferably family, or very good friends? If not, then I really think you should be asking for some extra support, starting off with your GP - actually your GP should know that you are having a very hard time whether you have real life support or not. Good luck Laura, you can get through this, you obviously love your DD very much, and having lasted this long you are almost certainly stronger than you realise. Believe it or not, my life actually got quite a bit easier in most respects once I had another child, it certainly affected my mental health in a positive way, maybe partly because with baby number 2 I felt that I could relax more, as I had a lot more idea about what I was doing, and somehow relaxing and feeling more confident with baby number 2, made me relax and feel more confident with baby number 1!

Op

I'm a police
Officer but my eldest has Aspergers.

There were times in his childhood It sounded like I was murdering him.

I think I just about yodelled once while shouting 😂.

Don't beat yourself up . You need some strategies for dealing with the difficult issues- talk to national autistic society, local support groups , and most of all - other mums . They get it .

Don't worry about the police coming . I'd talk to your neighbours if you can bear to and just explain she's on the spectrum and meltdowns happen .

X

💐💐 my 5 year old has ASD and I often worry that someone will think we're murdering her when she's upset (she likes to scream "OUCHY GET OFF" whilst hitting her head against things 😬

Get yourself a nice cold glass of water, sit down and try to clear your mind. Tonight's been a bit shit but you've gotten through it, speak to your GP/ midwife for some perinatal support, are you supported by DV services? Have they been supporting your daughter as well?

I think it is good you are reflecting on this.

My daughter has sensory processing difficulties and I recently completed an online course ‘understanding autism’ it was completely government funded. I would highly recommend it. It really helps you to understand how to deal with your daughter better when she is showing challenging behaviour.

learntoday.theskillsnetwork.com/courses/level-2-understanding-autism-course?utm_term=skills%20network%20understanding%20autism&utm_campaign=England+-+AEB+-+Brand+-+Exact&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=6408359036&hsa_cam=17276457052&hsa_grp=137500574820&hsa_ad=598434032138&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-1657985217823&hsa_kw=skills%20network%20understanding%20autism&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gclid=Cj0KCQjwio6XBhCMARIsAC0u9aFdFb9C4byh5sqejfcKjgtB5p_mhHEmEmh88dPc0EbIerE-UD3DV0MaAucmEALw_wcB

What happened to good old fashioned going next door, knocking and asking if everything’s OK or if someone needs help ? If you get told to fuck off and mind your own business, and you’re still concerned in any way, then by all means call the police. But what happened to community, and looking out for each other ?

Its not your business.

You risk a good old fashioned fight or you could potentially make it worse if it's DV.