Neighbours called the police on my child having a meltdown. I'm in pieces 😞

[Laurakiaora]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this. Maybe just some outside support and for someone to tell me I'm doing okay.

My 9 year old daughter is autistic (we have her official assessment in a couple of weeks but have a working diagnosis). She's incredibly bright, funny, chatty and lovely and to most people they wouldn't see the issues she has.

We went swimming today. She knows after swimming she needs to have her hair washed. About an hour ago I told her it was time to get showered and she screamed at me. Rolled over on the floor and knocked her toys over which was then my fault. Screamed more and threw a TV remote at me and kept saying no. I told her there would be no pudding or screens this evening after that and again that she had to have her hair washed.

She screamed more. Refused. Cried. Shrieked at me. I ended up having to forcibly put her in the shower to wash her hair. She's almost as tall as me, I'm pregnant and have a damaged disc so I can't really manage things like this but she didn't give me much choice. I washed her hair and the entire time she was screaming and fighting me. It was loud. I'm ashamed to say I shouted a lot.

I heard a knock at the door but as we were in the shower I ignored it. Ten minutes later, the police turned up and said a neighbour had reported a domestic issue.

I told them what had happened. They wanted to speak to my daughter and of course I let them, though due to her ASD she doesn't really talk to strangers or make eye contact and she became very worried and upset that the police were here.

Over the last year the police have come to my home several times (when my daughter has been staying with family) during to domestic issues between my ex-partner and I. She was never a part of it. He no longer lives with us but they explained that they had to come for safeguarding reasons due to the history here which I totally understand. They asked if there was anybody else in the house and I said just me and my daughter (which it was).

They were satisfied and said they were happy no safeguarding issue and left.

I've had ten minutes to reflect and I've fallen to pieces. I'm beyond embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. I don't know which neighbour called (I don't know them well) but they must have thought from the shouting and screaming that I was abusing or beating my child. I appreciate they're probably aware of police presence here in recent times but it was clear it was only mine and daughter's voices they could hear.

I have anxiety and the idea of leaving the house tomorrow and seeing any neighbours is sending me into a panic. I feel awful for my daughter that the police were here as she's so worried now and doesn't understand why, despite explaining.

I'm pregnant (from the mentioned previous relationship) and emotional anyway and this has really tipped me over the edge. I feel like a shit mum a lot of the time and this had cemented that idea in my head. There's a lot of other things going on regarding needing to find a new home but being unable to, the threat of homelessness and I'm very overwhelmed and feel like I'm massively failing.

I'm not really looking for sympathy, just needed to get this off my chest. God knows what my neighbours think of me and I'm so worried now about seeing them and people talking. My home has always been stable and calm before recent events here and were generally quiet, considerate and good people to live next to.

This has really affected my worth a mother 😪

So sorry OP. I have no qualifications to advise, but sending you a hug too

No. Dealing with an autistic child is difficult enough without this. My mum is 92 and has dementia. She shrieks and cries when I shower her. I have no alternative as she is incontinent and I am as gentle and kind as I can be. She does it when social services carers shower her too. This hasn’t stopped my neighbours reporting several times as a safeguarding issue. I’m all for being vigilant but surely there has to be a point where neighbours know what’s happening and mind their own business.

@Rosscameasdoody - the OP isn’t dealing with someone who is incontinent and has dementia. There have also been police visits due to domestic violence (which was presumably reported by neighbours.)

I am sorry for you own situation though. It sounds incredibly tough and I agree that your neighbours are overstepping the mark.

She's 9 and you say she is bright. Sit her down and talk it through. Apologise, explain how neither of you handled it well. Acknowledge it can't go on. She has a choice: either she does her hair herself with your help, or if she doesn't think she can manage it, she gets it cut to a manageable length.

Go through some styles with her, pixie, bob etc. there are websites or apps you can try styles on a photo of yourself.

I read on here years ago that for children with asd you need to implement routines a couple of years before you need to. So I'd seriously look at implementing a shower everyday, deodorant etc routine now. I think it has made it easier for me - I had the fights and tears when DC was a manageable age and could bribe with tv and screen time, before teenager years.

You need to do it when still at the pool. She isn’t at swimming anymore and has gotten dried and dressed… you’ll save some battle. Even rinsing out the chlorine is enough if she refuses to wash it (my own soap dodger will often wash his hair at the pool but not always). My DS has to have his goggles on when he washes his hair, can’t stand even a drop of water in his eyes.

it’s a sensory problem, if she won’t wash at swimming pick another day when she’s relaxed, give her some sensory input and then in the shower. DS won’t do it just because but if there is something I can convince him he needs to be clean for her will reluctantly do it.

Pick your battles and don’t manhandle her. I’ve been through the shouting and trying to force and it’s not worth it. DS hasn’t washed his hair in a month, it’s rank, but it’s his body. As someone who has also been in an abusive relationship it’s actually very triggering when the child is having a meltdown and I had to learn to deal with it in another way.

i would speak to your neighbours when you feel up to it or see them, it’ll be whoever is closest to the bathroom. Explain she is ASD and was having a meltdown, but you were anxious and shouted back at her, she’s just being diagnosed and you’re learning how to best deal with situations.

I think you should’ve probably not forced her to wash her hair. You could’ve done it the following day?

You do have my complete sympathy, and I'm sorry this has happened. Its not easy being the parent of an autistic child, and there seems too be so little help and guidance on how to manage behaviours, especially as you are pregnant and emotional anyway.

Firstly I would try to speak to the close neighbours to explain the situation. They care enough about a child in distress, im sure they will understand.
secondly see if there is help available, speak to the midwife for guidance. Hopefully a diagnosis will get you some advice.
Thirdly I would really pick my battles and washing hair after swimming, possibly when she is tired is not necessary. Hopefully she can shower after swimming, but if not its really not important.

Listen to her and don't make things a battle of wills. Get her to do the important things but forget the minor ones.

I think you have to accept this for what it is.
your neighbours were concerned enough to phone for help.
it’s ok, that’s what people do this is why sometime child abuse and domestic abusive relationships get the help they need.
This was not the situation today,BUT had it been then the intervention happened.
So draw a line, accept the support or seek it and when you get a diagnosis for your daughter work with the professionals to find strategies to help with these situations.
some posters have replied maybe you could’ve foregone the shower, I agree (for what it’s worth) she needed one and whilst it wasn’t managed in the best way - you need to find in the future ways that reinforce a shower after swimming isn’t optional.
Dont worry about seeing the neighbours or anything, anyone with genuine concern will ask you and anyone who doesn’t - doesn’t need to know.

Sorry this happened OP. I definitely recommend picking your battles. She could have easily had a shower later or tomorrow its not the end of the world. She's getting big now what would you do if something happened accidentally?

Your a brilliant mum.

Your neghbours are coming from a good place.

I have 3 ND kids it's just plain shit at times. Do you on reflection feel like you fuel her fire in a meltdown? Look into PDA. My daughter has strongvpda traits. So I give her clear choices that both lead to the same desired outcome.

Do you want to wash and brush your hair now or do you want a snack and drink then shower, put lots of conditioner on and I will brush it in a hour?

Then dd has some control in a very frighting overwhelming world. She feels like she has no control. This gives her back the power of choice ( without giving into checking out of life which I'm sure my dd would choose everytime as the easy option).

Also it's fine to say I'm going to stop talking to you until you calm down, I'm ignoring you now, we will continue once your calm. I used to fuel my sons fire and one day after a epic meltdown during which I contemplated calling an ambulance. I reflected on how I had escalated it because I wanted the final word. Why? He never had a meltdown again. I'm very lucky that worked 100% for him, but even if you can chip 10% off her anxiety it all adds up.

Much later on once she is totally calm get her to reflect on this incident. how did she feel, what would have helped her, what does she want to do next week after swimming.

Your doing just great in a very hard situation. It can improve

What were they meant to do?
All that shouting and screaming from you as well.

Fuck the neighbours, they probably are judging you but you have to get on with life

Eh? If I heard screaming and shouting that sounded unsafe I would call the police.

Especially if there had been DV before, not because of judging OP but because I would be worried her and her daughter could be in danger as the abusive ex could have been there.

Sometimes people do genuinely do the right thing for the right reasons.

You’re doing a great job! Supporting a child with ASD can be utterly exhausting and unrelenting, especially when dealing with what are essentially non-negotiables such as eating and washing. Would a shower at the swimming pool help? We’ve found it then forms part of the swimming routine and means it doesn’t then have to be battled at home. Regarding the neighbours, perhaps they’re aware you’ve had issues previously with a partner and are trying to protect you? In which case it is great they have your back. Try not to be embarrassed, try to see it as they’re looking out for you rather than judging you.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds really hard for you.

I don't have any advice, other than to say to try & be compassionate to yourself. You are doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. 💐

My neighbour once called SS when he heard from another neighbour that my ds aged about 4 at the time had made a crack in a window by banging part of a toy on it. He also said that he had heard my child banging on the shed. My ds used to tap his cars against the fence next to our shed. SS phoned me and no further action was taken. They asked if we needed any help and seemed to completely understand. They did though ask my ds school and doctor if they had any concerns. I can honestly say I was heartbroken. We were dealing with a severely autistic child and were actually doing really well. It sounds daft but I felt so judged and upset. With distance, I can understand the motivation and also the fact that most people have no idea about the challenges of looking after a child with severe autism. Over time, I have understood that we did a pretty good job in extraordinary circumstances. Be kind to yourself.

You're not a shit mum at all. It is challenging.
My sons are in their 20s and both have autism, as do I.
It's only my experience and I don't claim to be an expert but I would say that shouting at an autistic person in meltdown will not have a calming effect or end the meltdown. You need to deescalate the situation.

Also pick your battles as pp said. What is the worst thing that can happen if she didn't wash her hair? Would that put her in danger? Was it vital enough to be worth shouting and threatening punishments to someone in meltdown?

Use this to think about what you could change to make things less stressful for your daughter and for you.

Now op you listen to me, tomorrow you leave your house tomorrow with your daughter with your head held high and a smile on your face.
You have done nothing wrong I am sure we have all shouted at some time.
Maybe the neighbours thought your ex had turned up and was abusing you and your daughter, they were concerned for you and your daughter NOT being nosy.
Come on op you can do this no way do you have to hide away.
Sorry my lovely but I cannot give any advice regarding your daughter and her hair washing.
But keep posting my lovely because you will get a lot of support and advice here from mums who have experienced this.
Sit down with your lovely daughter have cuddles and watch a movie.
Xxx

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, I have 2 DD’s with ASD and it isn’t easy it there’s no way I would force them into the shower to wash their hair, sometimes you need to pick your battles, would it really matter if she didn’t wash her hair after swimming? I do know how tough it is, I spend my life trying not to cause a meltdown but I also understand that my DD’s find somethings really hard, especially hair washing and bathing and it’s something we do when we really need too and in a way that doesn’t result in me forcing them to do something they are really uncomfortable with.

I think if I was your neighbour I would have done the same, they were worried and probably had a right to be. It sounds like you need some help with your DD’s behaviour and some strategies to help prevent meltdowns and you losing your sh*t with her.

I suspect that, if the police was involved before due to your ex, the NDN thought something similar was happening again. NOT that you were abusing your dd tbh.

Which is exactly why the police came a few times to check things over too.

Oh and I had the police at my door after my eldest escaped out of a tiny window, scaled a five foot high chained and padlocked gate and got down the road while I was distracted dealing with brown wall art created by a dirty version of jackson Pollock aka my younger son.

I explained the situations, showed them the padlock and chain, showed them the key ring I kept on me that opened the doors we kept locked (external, kitchen and bathroom)

They were very understanding. Don't be scared.

This could come from the best of places, tbh.

If there is a history of dv which given you are currently pg must be relatively recent, neighbours could well have been worried that the abuser was back and a truly dangerous situation was happening.

The fact they could only hear your and your daughter's voice doesn't necessarily mean they thought you were there alone, it could be that you were both shouting at someone else. You don't know that they understood the words said, they may well not have from outside the house.

If I knew a child and a pg woman who was a former dv victim were in a house and I heard shouting, I would like to think that I would do what was necessary to make sure they were safe.

I used to have the same shouting matches with my autistic dd. We still do, occasionally, now and she’s mid teens. Anyone that takes the holier than thou approach has not dealt with an autistic dd. It is so hard to deal with someone who won’t do the simplest of tasks (my dd hates showers/ hair washing) and it’s very difficult.
I would speak to your neighbours and explain about your dd - it may help them to understand. Don’t be embarrassed.
My dd washes her own hair now, but I’ll help when I think it needs an extra clean. Try and stay calm, which I know is very hard, but set boundaries and say what is going to happen - ie you need to have a shower after such and such. I find this helps them to process the information.

Awh that's so sad

I'm so sorry you felt that way. I do understand sort of how you feel, no DV or police involvement but the other night my poorly 2.5 year old was having such a meltdown in the night, I was stressed at dealing with the melt down but also soooo stressed that someone would think something awful was happening.

I'd never experienced anything like it, he screamed for about an hour solid, really screamed, then settled down and was completely happy and smiley in the morning, like nothing ever happened! I was googling if there was a serious psychological issue, I thought I would have to take him to hospital. And I was definitely worried someone would call the police or something.

I completely understand the stress that child meltdowns cause, even as a parent of 3 NT children (well, they are very young but seem NT). Just wanted to share and let you know you're not alone in feeling shit when these events do happen. Take comfort in the fact that they are rare and the police seemed understanding, and huge congratulations for getting out of your abusive relationship

OP, please don’t try and use physical force - in a year or two that’s a battle you won’t win. Teaching your child that she can “win” by physically resisting during times of high stress is going to hugely limit her life chances.
I know people will flame me, but IF she needs extra support in the future and has a history of using physical aggression that will be a problem for her, and for you finding support for her - unfair, unjust, but the real world.

The rule is: after swimming she needs a shower with soap and shampoo. Fine. Imagine she has absolutely NO concept of time. So “after” might mean as soon as she gets out the pool, or sometime around Christmas. Your job is to specify “we get home, we unpack the bags/snack/Morris dance/then shower.

Obviously the snack and Morris dancing is optional but the “we do A, B, then C” is not...