Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH using toilet for DT’s when out

655 replies

Silverbirch123 · 27/07/2022 13:33

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 27/07/2022 13:36

This is why mixed facilities in addition to single sex facilities is a good idea. Its not always appropriate for girls to go into the mens, its not appropriate for men to go into the ladies.

RidingMyBike · 27/07/2022 13:36

My DH definitely wouldn't go into the ladies but wouldn't be happy taking DD into the men's. He's basically made a map in his head of the locations of unisex toilets he can take her to in our city!

You can buy radar keys on eBay - disabled friend told me when I was at the pram stage and trying to work out how on earth I could go to the loo whilst out of the house and still keep the pram in view! I never got one as didn't feel right about having one though.

Original poster
Silverbirch123 · 27/07/2022 13:37

I agree, we want to a pizza place in a shopping centre a couple of weeks ago & each toilet was totally self contained with sink etc. that’s ideal

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Partypoooooper · 27/07/2022 13:37

I would opt for a baby change/disabled cubicle if possible, if not available then in his shoes I think I would go to the ladies rather than men's.

More larger cubicles for people who need to use the loo with small children should be made available.

MyPenIsHuge · 27/07/2022 13:38

I am disabled so have a radar key anyway. If I'm out with kids I tend to use them because normal toilets are so small and I've got one of each sex and all together is just more manageable for me.

Sleepyquest · 27/07/2022 13:40

I'll get flamed for this but given your circumstances, I'd buy a radar key online and always use disabled

Fairwindscalmseas · 27/07/2022 13:41

Lots of countries have family rooms as the norm - the ones in New Zealand have signs saying that it takes a village to raise a child and anyone caring for a child can use the facilities. They normally have armchairs, play pens, kid size loos, microwave, curtained off areas for breastfeeding etc. It's absolutely amazing and necessary. I think it also removes the implication that only women look after children that is present whenever the baby change is in the women's loos.

MandaLynn · 27/07/2022 13:41

I'd opt for the baby changing/disabled toilet, if an option. But if not, I'd agree not taking them into the mens when you know it's grotty/small/etc. Maybe just needs to do a know before entering to say "dad coming in, with my daughters" - to give a heads up?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 27/07/2022 13:43

He should use the accessible toilets, not the ladies.

CMOTDibbler · 27/07/2022 13:44

He's not disabled, or a woman, so needs to take a packet of wipes with him and take them in the mens.

TheWeeDonkey · 27/07/2022 13:44

To be fair to your husband, he's just being a bloke isn't he?
His convenience will always come before women's discomfort, is he equally dismissive of your boundaries?

GoSomewhereThatDoes · 27/07/2022 13:44

No, my DH absolutely wouldn’t go in the women’s toilets under any circumstances whatsoever. It’s not just a risk of causing offence. It’s a risk of causing real emotional harm to women with trauma or religious grounds for needing single sex spaces. It’s causing women to feel unsafe.

If he’s taking them out, he needs to do what most people with particular toilet requirements do and Google toilet facilities/family changing rooms etc. Failing that, he needs to take some Flash wipes out with him and ask any random pooing men to close the door.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/07/2022 13:44

He shouldn't use the ladies and are daughters more fragile than make DC or would he do the same then?

TheStarsDontShine · 27/07/2022 13:45

He needs to go in the mens or a unisex loo if available. He should not be in the ladies. He wouldn't take them into a female swimming changing room and loos should not be any different.

StRaphael · 27/07/2022 13:46

If I was a woman using the ladies and a dad came in obviously with his young daughter to use the loos personally I’d have zero problem with this. As a PP said giving a little heads up would be polite.

This is a very different scenario (in my view) to some of the other debates we could get into but won’t. This is just being pragmatic and not subjecting a small child to some disgusting loos (and worse sights) if there’s no alternative for the dad.

Original poster
Silverbirch123 · 27/07/2022 13:46

TheWeeDonkey · 27/07/2022 13:44

To be fair to your husband, he's just being a bloke isn't he?
His convenience will always come before women's discomfort, is he equally dismissive of your boundaries?

😂😂😂😂😂

love mumsnet, not long before someone comes along suggesting that you’re perfectly reasonable question somehow translates into you being abused

OP posts:
MoonKnight · 27/07/2022 13:47

That’s not acceptable imo. Men have no place in woman's toilets.

If your twins were boys would he take them in the ladies too?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2022 13:47

TheWeeDonkey · 27/07/2022 13:44

To be fair to your husband, he's just being a bloke isn't he?
His convenience will always come before women's discomfort, is he equally dismissive of your boundaries?

This was my thought too.

RedWingBoots · 27/07/2022 13:47

I would rather he used the ladies than the disabled toilets.

If someone is in a wheelchair or has difficultly walking then by all 3 of them needing the toilet they increase the risk of that person having an accident especially as some disabled toilets are in stupid places.

The main problem is that cubicles aren't big enough for an adult and 2 children. Many toilets will have a larger cubicle at one end which is bigger enough for an adult and 1 child but not for 2 children.

StRaphael · 27/07/2022 13:47

Can see I’m in the minority and respect other peoples views on women needing safe spaces for a variety of reasons.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2022 13:48

love mumsnet, not long before someone comes along suggesting that you’re perfectly reasonable question somehow translates into you being abused

Yes, because that's what that poster said Hmm

NoNoNoooo · 27/07/2022 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/07/2022 13:49

He should do what most of us do. Which is plan ahead a bit. Make sure we Take the children places where there are adequate facilities. Allow longer for journeys to allow us to stop off at places we know are OK to avoid using ones in places we are less sure of.

Oh and write/email to establishments who let their toilets get onto grotty and/or unusable states.

What you dont do is expect women and disabled people to give up their limited facilities to bail a dad out of not planning properly

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2022 13:49

StRaphael · 27/07/2022 13:46

If I was a woman using the ladies and a dad came in obviously with his young daughter to use the loos personally I’d have zero problem with this. As a PP said giving a little heads up would be polite.

This is a very different scenario (in my view) to some of the other debates we could get into but won’t. This is just being pragmatic and not subjecting a small child to some disgusting loos (and worse sights) if there’s no alternative for the dad.

I agree. I’d have absolutely no problem with this.

RedWingBoots · 27/07/2022 13:49

MoonKnight · 27/07/2022 13:47

That’s not acceptable imo. Men have no place in woman's toilets.

If your twins were boys would he take them in the ladies too?

So would you be happy to help 2 strange little girls on to the toilet?

It's not about his convenience it is about 2 girls.