Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH using toilet for DT’s when out

655 replies

Silverbirch123 · 27/07/2022 13:33

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/07/2022 14:37

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 27/07/2022 14:36

Its an impossible but common problem. He can't take them into the gent's or ladies. Women are possibly doing very personal things at sinks such as washing period flooding strains out of white jeans, whilst standing in their knickers (specific because that has been me), and its unacceptable that a man should walk into this very private safe space no matter what the circumstances. Instead of women having to compromise their dignity to make way for well meaning dads, the males in the gent's should behave better.

Yes he can take them into the gents. Like men have been taking little boys for years. If men's toilets are revolting, men need to change that.

They literally have the power in their hands.

Samcro · 27/07/2022 14:37

Sleepyquest · 27/07/2022 13:40

I'll get flamed for this but given your circumstances, I'd buy a radar key online and always use disabled

yeah and you can have the disability too.

Goldbar · 27/07/2022 14:38

Soubriquet · 27/07/2022 14:34

3 year olds don’t care! Seriously. They don’t.

If he’s that concerned, he could send them in alone and wait outside the door. Plenty of male parents do that

Show quote history

Exactly.* *If they do care, get them to close their eyes and whip them into a cubicle. Encourage them not to stare. It's not difficult and it's what I do with my boy in the women's the whole time. He doesn't care and no one else seems to mind. When we've been in a communal changing-room, we find a quiet corner and he changes facing the wall.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 27/07/2022 14:38

IncessantNameChanger · 27/07/2022 14:37

I mean NEVER seen a queue for disabled loos

Good for you. I have regularly.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/07/2022 14:39

Accessible toilets don't mean they're accessible to everyone. It means they're accessible to people with disabilities, both invisible and visible. It's updated language, that's all because a toilet can't be disabled. The language around parking spaces is changing too.

You should use the facility meant for you, so men in the men's, women in the women's and disabled people in the accessible. It's really not hard.

If you're a bloke out with a couple of kids you go in the mens.

Glitterspy · 27/07/2022 14:39

No, my DH wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) use the ladies toilets under and circumstances.

If the children have to go, he needs to take them in the mens or get creative with the bushes!

Fluffymule · 27/07/2022 14:39

At any time it is likely that there will be other young girls, toddlers or pre-teens using the toilet that the OP's husband feels the right to enter because he doesn't want his girls exposed to men in an intimate space.

Those young girls, other people's daughters, have the right not to be exposed to this man invading their single space facility. Their privacy and comfort or need for a male free area is not for others to 'give away' because they are not personally bothered.

His is a logistical/hygiene problem that as an adult is incumbent on him to sort out without taking the easy option of ignoring female boundaries.

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 14:39

seramum · 27/07/2022 14:35

"If anyone is caused emotional / religious / traumatic offence by seeing a bloke with two little girls trying to go for a wee with"

Good to know that @tentinginmarch and @Palamon have no respect for women from ethnic minorities whose religious laws prohibit them from using single sex toilets or being in an enclosed space as men in a toilet. Telling them they need to get a grip borders on racist quite frankly. They are entitled to their beliefs and views too. Men should not be in such places. End of.

Well I've been abroad and used unisex loos I wondered how women cope under these circumstances when there are no alternatives ?

BungleandGeorge · 27/07/2022 14:40

He can’t go in the female toilets as he’s not female!
he needs to do a bit of research for areas he visits frequently. Lots of chains have individual toilets as standard. I’m sure they will all be fine with letting 3 year olds use the loo even if he doesn’t buy a meal there. a number of places have a mixed disabled/ baby change individual toilet. Some department stores etc have a family room with shared facilities. You can buy a fold up toddler seat that fits over the toilet which would protect them from any grimey toilet seats. Similarly you can buy portable potties which can be used in a quiet area/ the car.

Konfetka · 27/07/2022 14:40

I admit I always do a double take when there's a male cleaner in the ladies but thought it had become a non issue? Obviously not.

ouch321 · 27/07/2022 14:40

Well perhaps the men, such as your husband, should use the facilities more respectfully and then the gents wouldn't be too gross to take his child/ren into.

Original poster
Silverbirch123 · 27/07/2022 14:41

AchatAVendre · 27/07/2022 14:34

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door

Seems a bit of an over-reaction on his part. Who hasn't accidentally pushed open a door in the womens' toilets with an ineffective lock and ended up apologising profusely? Its hardly something thats unique to mens' toilets and its going to be worse for him if it happens in the womens'! Is he perhaps scared of other men?

DH wouldn't go in the womens' toilets if you paid him!

Ok only 1 toilet in the mens taken up by man who hadn’t locked the door. 3 year old cannot wait!

it seems no one can win. Quite honestly in the same situation if we had boys I think DH might have done the same.

what happens when there are male cleaners in the toilet?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/07/2022 14:42

TheFairyCaravan · 27/07/2022 14:39

Accessible toilets don't mean they're accessible to everyone. It means they're accessible to people with disabilities, both invisible and visible. It's updated language, that's all because a toilet can't be disabled. The language around parking spaces is changing too.

You should use the facility meant for you, so men in the men's, women in the women's and disabled people in the accessible. It's really not hard.

If you're a bloke out with a couple of kids you go in the mens.

It's not a legal obligation though more a facility kindly offered by the local authority or business

Husbandworries · 27/07/2022 14:42

Ritascornershop · 27/07/2022 14:33

No, he should not be in women’s loos. He should plan ahead and scope out where there are single use toilets. They are there, he’s just got to put the effort in.

Quite often the single use is a disabled at public toilets and you mainly can’t get in. Baby change often doesn’t have a loo, or is in the women’s. It’s actually not that easy tbh.

Pre DS standing to wee i’d usually have to take him in with me as bloke’s cubicles are minging, and there’s often no baby change.

Sirzy · 27/07/2022 14:42

IncessantNameChanger · 27/07/2022 14:37

I mean NEVER seen a queue for disabled loos

Are you disabled or someone who spends a lot of time out with people with disabilities?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 27/07/2022 14:43

Fluffymule · 27/07/2022 14:39

At any time it is likely that there will be other young girls, toddlers or pre-teens using the toilet that the OP's husband feels the right to enter because he doesn't want his girls exposed to men in an intimate space.

Those young girls, other people's daughters, have the right not to be exposed to this man invading their single space facility. Their privacy and comfort or need for a male free area is not for others to 'give away' because they are not personally bothered.

His is a logistical/hygiene problem that as an adult is incumbent on him to sort out without taking the easy option of ignoring female boundaries.

Thank you for articulating so well what I think 👏

AppleBottomRats · 27/07/2022 14:43

Soubriquet · 27/07/2022 14:34

3 year olds don’t care! Seriously. They don’t.

If he’s that concerned, he could send them in alone and wait outside the door. Plenty of male parents do that

Show quote history

When they are a bit old sure but at 3 they probably still need his help.

diddl · 27/07/2022 14:44

ouch321 · 27/07/2022 14:40

Well perhaps the men, such as your husband, should use the facilities more respectfully and then the gents wouldn't be too gross to take his child/ren into.

That would certainly be a help wouldn't it?

Isn't it quite usual for there to be only one cubicle also?

Imagine having to wait because all the cubicles are in use...

minuette1 · 27/07/2022 14:45

A grown man has no place in single sex female spaces. Just tell him to carry a pack of wipes and clean the toilet seat in the men's toilets if necessary. I just asked a couple of male colleagues if men's toilets were 'grotty' in places like shopping centres and they said 'not especially'. Where exactly is your DH taking them that the toilets are in such a disgusting state anyway?

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 14:45

I was at a graduation ceremony last week people were using the ladies, gents and accessible toilets. It was a Time sensitive day so everyone was in a rush

Enko · 27/07/2022 14:47

Costa coffee for toilets usually single rooms for all to use.

DH had a similar problem when ours were young. We learned where to be able to go so he could get them too. I can remember going to the aquarium and being thrilled when I realised on the floor we were on with one of the small girls needing a nappy change the changing rooms were in the men's (turned out it was every 2nd floor men and ladies but we didn't realize that at the time :D )

Subbaxeo · 27/07/2022 14:47

In my mind, it’s sensible to take them to the women’s. I don’t think young girls should be taken to urinals. I think we’ve got so worked up about this that sensible compromise is shouted down as abuse. As soon as they’re old enough, they can go by themselves but would not expect my young daughter to have to walk pass men in urinalysis and use dirty toilets. Obviously, the accessible loo should be used if available-but what have we come to when a father trying to help his young daughters is met with condemnation?

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 14:47

minuette1 · 27/07/2022 14:45

A grown man has no place in single sex female spaces. Just tell him to carry a pack of wipes and clean the toilet seat in the men's toilets if necessary. I just asked a couple of male colleagues if men's toilets were 'grotty' in places like shopping centres and they said 'not especially'. Where exactly is your DH taking them that the toilets are in such a disgusting state anyway?

I'm fascinated to learn how I change a babies nappy on a wiped loo seat whilst preventing them falling down the pan 😂😂

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2022 14:48

Ok only 1 toilet in the mens taken up by man who hadn’t locked the door. 3 year old cannot wait!

Women's loos are always packed. Waiting is part of life.

it seems no one can win. Quite honestly in the same situation if we had boys I think DH might have done the same

Unacceptable.

what happens when there are male cleaners in the toilet?

There are signs up at the entrance so women can make an informed decision. Also, those cleaners don't tend to be taking their pants off.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/07/2022 14:49

CMOTDibbler · 27/07/2022 13:44

He's not disabled, or a woman, so needs to take a packet of wipes with him and take them in the mens.

I agree. Just like women take their sons into the ladies until they're old enough to go alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread