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Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

314 replies

cantrememberwho · 22/07/2022 23:55

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 23/07/2022 00:05

That is financial abuse and control. He obviously does not regard you as an equal partner, with any say in the family budget.
You are making yourself very vulnerable by staying at home and having no income of your own. I would get yourself a job, even if it’s just part time, so you have some money and a stronger negotiating position. Or consider divorcing him, if he won’t allow you any say in the marriage.

katieg03 · 23/07/2022 00:08

He slightly has a point in the current climate with on income coming in. It's not stupid to be frugal. When are you going back to work? Lots of people have second jobs or make sacrifices like working a couple of evenings to afford extras

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:11

katieg03 · 23/07/2022 00:08

He slightly has a point in the current climate with on income coming in. It's not stupid to be frugal. When are you going back to work? Lots of people have second jobs or make sacrifices like working a couple of evenings to afford extras

i have no full time job. i have done some jobs but found them difficult managing the children as i have to drop them off, collect, be home afternoon and also cook the family meal. so i remain home and husband is main earner

OP posts:

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wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 23/07/2022 00:11

This is not a happy relationship.
You need to re-think your expectations.

Hoolahulahoop · 23/07/2022 00:11

Most people get a job !!! He's paying everything himself. Come on

Dic · 23/07/2022 00:12

You need to get a job

Oomph · 23/07/2022 00:14

I think you should consider getting a job and building some financial independence. Otherwise you are seriously limiting your choices.

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:15

Dic · 23/07/2022 00:12

You need to get a job

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

OP posts:
Watchthesunrise · 23/07/2022 00:21

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

They're his kids just as much as they are yours.

He'll have to step up.

Kids might be old enough to walk or cycle to school and back again?

Dinoteeth · 23/07/2022 00:24

Op claim child benefit (even if it means DH needs to pay extra tax) that will at least give you some financial independence.

But really plenty mums work and use wrap around childcare. It's not that often school children get sent home sick. In 7 years of school between my kids I think theyve been sent home twice.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/07/2022 00:25

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:15

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

You could start by getting work that fits around the children.. eg meals supervisor at a local school. Or maybe a supermarket?
Most schools have before and after school clubs, yours could go to one of those sometimes.
As for the odd sick day, you and your husband would have to share those. Most working parents manage.
You can cook a meal when you get home, or batch-cook ahead.
However you work it, it seems like you need to get a job to have some control over your life, your income, and your children's opportunities.
Your husband clearly struggles to spend money, and you say there is a reason for this, but he sounds obsessive about it. It's maybe better for all of you if there's money coming in that he is not responsible for.

Lbnc2021 · 23/07/2022 00:30

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:15

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

How do you think countless other families do all that and work?

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 00:34

OP - both of you are responsible for your children and for paying for them.

You need to get a job, he needs to do more childcare.

JudithandHolofernesHead · 23/07/2022 00:35

You don't need a degree to get a job. I don't have one. I held down a FT job, as did my DH, and DD was cared for at a nursery, or her Gps/friends parents babysat. Millions of families do it, up and down the country.

Get a job, even a part-time one to start, and bring in some money of your own.

D0lphine · 23/07/2022 00:35

Take them to before and after school club, then cook something easy when you're home or meal prep at the weekend.

Out of interest, what does your OH earn?

How much disposable income do you have monthly?

Do you budget and make any financial decisions together?

ItsAllInMyHeadImFuckingUpAgain · 23/07/2022 00:38

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:15

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

I work night shifts every weekend in retail. That gives me 1k a month. I do the school runs Monday to Friday. It's not impossible.

Holidayworries · 23/07/2022 00:47

It sounds like he's being financially responsible paying bills and saving for the children's futures. How much does he earn?

HauntingScream · 23/07/2022 00:50

Find a job in a school. Even if it's a lunchtime assistant, you'll earn enough money for days out and be able to work around your kids schooling.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 23/07/2022 01:01

Hi op what about night shift job or evening work? I can’t afford childcare so I work nights

M340 · 23/07/2022 01:07

You need to get a job.

Most of us manage. No need to make a huge family meal each night.

Chuck something in a slow cooker in the morning. Kids up and dressed for breakfast club. Or get a job part time or that works around school hours.

If your kids need a school run and see in school what are you doing with most of your day?

He needs to step up and do more house work. Easy dinners during the week like pasta / freezer meals or get a slow cooker.

Most of us manage.

knackeredagain · 23/07/2022 01:14

Is he a big earner? Because if he’s average (like me) it would be hard to finance a fancy lifestyle with new cars, holidays and non-primark clothes on a single wage.
The economy isn’t built for single-wage households, sadly. A lot of what you say doesn’t sound tight tbh.
Did you both agree to you staying at home and what it would entail in terms of lifestyle expectations.

UWhatNow · 23/07/2022 01:20

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MintJulia · 23/07/2022 01:22

You need a job.

If your child is sick, you work from home or take annual leave. Or get your DH to take annual leave. Find another mum to share pick ups and drop offs. Or start slightly later so you do mornings, and then use an afterschool club.

I'm a single mum and have worked full time since ds was 2. I've managed.

Not going to University, and having to do school run, are just excuses. There is always a way if you put your mind to it.

StClare101 · 23/07/2022 01:57

You need to get a job and get full access to the family finances. He needs to step the fuck up.

God why do so many women put themselves in this position???? You’ll be living in penury in your old age if you don’t get some control back.

Ottersmith · 23/07/2022 02:13

cantrememberwho · 23/07/2022 00:15

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university.

He'll have to cook the family meal!! He has a live in slave at the moment so he's free to squirrel all his money away for himself.

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