Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

Other posters I have an impression the 2-3 hours cooking is not changeable, husband and possibly op want to eat this way and therefore it is a fixed part of their life.

Wow, how rude and judgmental can you get!

It depends ...

What is his salary?
How many kids?
What ages?
How much is your mortgage or rent?
How much are your monthly bills?
How much do you spend on food a month?
So, until we know this we can't tell you if your husband is being unreasonable.

Oh and get a job.

Where are you from? Are your husband the same nationality? Maybe this is the problem, you have different cultures.

But your husband does drop the children at school, you said so. Even if it seems more that it was a way of making a point about how old his car is. I mean, do young school children really notice cars? I’d agree with almost everyone else, you need a job. It’s a hell of a burden being the only wage earner for your whole family.

My dh is careful and I call him stingy. But I'm reckless with money. His credit score is 100 per cent he has no loans debts etc. It's a saving grace. However he pays all the bills and my income goes on shopping and stuff for kids if I didn't work we would do nothing either you need to find a job x

Well something has to change as you are in a precarious situation financially.
Do you have a joint bank account? Do you have access to the savings ? Family money should be joint, you are a partnership.
You say you used to do make up, wedding make up —- is there any way you can work from home? Doing nails and make up might make you some money.
Also, you have to ditch the 3 hours a day cooking. You don’t have to make a fresh meal every day. You make double the amount, freeze half ( or have the same meal reheated the next day) Make some simpler meals. I can make a pasta bake with all fresh ingredients in 30 minutes.
And back to finances —- can you sit down with your husband and draw up a financial plan? It’s sensible to save for the future up just a few pounds a week in a joint fund would pay for swimming, a trip to the sea during the holidays.
For now, look online and see what holiday activities are available in your area, some are free.

You're finding many reasons not to work - obviously it's easy to cook meals with fresh ingredients from scratch in 30 minutes or fewer. I can make a fish curry with chapatis in 25 minutes flat, and many pasta dishes can be faster than that. I also batch cook large portions so we have two more meals in the freezer for busy days.

If you don't wish to work, fair enough. But that precludes you moaning about lack of spare cash for treats.

OP. Many many many families with children both work.

You are choosing not to.

I also make meals with fresh ingredients, you can do so in 45 minutes.

How do you think single mothers work?

Get a job. And when the abusive prick becomes utterly unbearable that he has to muck in then it'll be easier to break up. And get a support network as I doubt he'll bother much when he's gone.

I don't have a degree but I've already worked admin as a lone parent. It's hard but I survive.

The issue isn’t necessarily the op needing a job. There’s no evidence that they can’t afford £50 or £100 a month for family/kids activities.
The DH is controlling the finances and OP is burying her head in the sand about it.

I agree if she’s not willing to deal with the financial control she needs to get a small part-time job - providing he agrees that what she earns is hers to spend.

OP, can you explain a bit more about why it takes 2-3 hours cooking every day. I work full time, so does my DH. I am home before he is so I cook most days. Monday to Friday, it’s easy stuff that takes 30 minutes. Often on a Sunday I will batch cook which granted takes 2-3 hours max. Then the freezer is full of food for any busy evenings we have with clubs etc.

you really need to start considering options ie night or evening shifts. Weekends and your husband has to look after your DC. Can you tell us a bit more about your background. You seem very down and, sorry to say, full of excuses however if that’s from your background or years of control if you can explain, we can understand.

Is he hoarding loads of money, or providing the best he can on one salary? Why don’t you get a job to pay for the extras and fun stuff?

Plenty of people have kids and both work so looking after the kids and home isn’t an automatic excuse for not contributing.

I don’t think it’s very nice to criticise him wearing second hand clothes when he clearly works hard to provide all essentials for the family.

That aside, you need to get a job. See if somewhere local can give you Saturday and Sunday mornings, or evening work on weekends. He can watch the children for a few hours on a weekend

Well yes he could but he probably won't, it's clear from the OP's posts that he's very old fashioned and sees the childcare and cooking as wife wook and likes to check out of family life by burying himself in his newspaper. She can't force him to look after the children and if I'm right about the kind of man he seems to be then any attempt from her to assert a new way of life isn't going to go down well and might even put her in danger. In some cultures even today women are expected to stay home, keep a pristine home, wait on the husband hand and foot. It's outdated and sexist but it's the reality of many women from other cultures, it's so deeply entrenched any attempt to reaffirm independence can be seen as inflammatory.

Is he also sending money to support family members? Perhaps look for a job near the dc school, so you save busfares, time and are nearby for drop off/pick up. You do not need a degree, just basic gcse Level education. Do you have that? If not a local college or Adult Education provider can help. Many courses will start in September so worth looking now.

@Itsallok nasty & unnecessarily rude post.

“He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school”
You need to nip this attitude in the bud or your son might be in for a rude awakening when he grows up and learns the cost of things. I have a good job and no kids and drive an old car. To me a new car would be a waste of money when my current one works just fine.

What strikes me is that all the things you seem to want your husband to spend on are luxuries. If he he the sole earner I can see why he would think luxuries are a waste of money, and that he would rather save for the future. Maybe you could get a job to pay for the luxuries you want.

Take more interest in the budget and help out with a part time job that suits the kids'' routines. You don't need a degree. Cheap family outings can take place if you plan well. House swap with another family. Engage in free activities or adventures in nearby parks. Swim in the sea. Encourage your husband to be more than the breadwinner but also a partner in walks down the street, cooking family BBQs and visiting friends and family. Be open minded and positive and try to reset the financial burden that your husband took on when you had very small babies who needed one parent to stay at home.

Don’t most people have to work for a living? Get a job and juggle it the same as the rest of us have to. Sounds like your kids are all of school age, so just get on and look for work! That would pay for these treats and entertainment. Your husband is doing all the financial side and is saving for your kids ‘ uni fees etc. why can’t you support them financially too? Staying at home to ‘cook family meals’ and do drop off is a luxury for a parent of school age kids

Is DH is earning a "middle amount" and they have a large mortgage, then there may well not be a huge amount of money left over. So the discussion is then whether the money that is there should be saved for the DC's future (DH's view) or on activities now (OP's view). I suspect there is a middle ground. In terms of the summer holidays perhaps this translates to a fixed budget for activities, and once it's gone, it's gone.

BTW we never spent money on restaurants or soft play or activities when my DC were little. Like many families we couldn't afford these things. OP hasn't said how old her children are but at primary school age going to a park with a picnic is a perfectly enjoyable way of spending a day - it doesn't have to involve mega bucks.

OP - if you don't have a degree and would like to study further, you can always look at distance learning, for example at the Open University.

So many unanswered questions. It doesn't sound as if your husband is a high earner, so perhaps he is being sensible in not spending on entertainment, clothes etc. You don't have to spend a lot of money to have fun, small children don't need lots of expensive new clothes - dressing kids in hand me downs within family/friendship circles is really common when children are young. Please don't teach your kids the expectation that you can't have a good time without spending a lot of money.

Perhaps you should sit with your husband and go through the family finances so you can see where the money is going.

If you are an experienced make up artist you could set yourself up doing that at home.

You do not need to be spending 2-3 hours every day cooking food from scratch. If making a meal is taking you that long every single day, you're doing something wrong.

Are you and your husband from India or Pakistan? It sounds as if there are cultural expectations with regard to your children's education, meal prep, saving money.

Shocked by some of the replies to this. Presumably you and you DH agreed that you would be a SAHM and he would continue working? Therefore he would be financially providing for the family's needs? Not taking the children out anywhere at all is not meeting their needs.

If at all possible, I think you'd be best separating and setting up your life independently. Easier said than done though, I know.

I'm not the best cook in the world, but this week we have had;
curry and rice,
ratatouille and salmon fillets,
stir-fry made with fresh veg,
spaghetti and arrabiatta sauce ( made by me)
fajitas,
chicken skewers with rice. ( chicken marinaded in fridge overnight)
None took longer than 30 mins.
I use fresh veg , we don't eat rubbish and eat lots of fresh fish as that is our choice.
You need to ask your husband what he is doing with his income and then make decisions together. If you can't do that, you have issues.

@cantrememberwho A different perspective for your DH… your DH says you need to save for GCSE and A level tutors. That tells me he has ambitions for your DC to go to university. Perhaps you can persuade him to fund summer activities if you talk to him about how it is important for university applications. There are lots of applicants with A*s and As. Universities- and indeed future employers - are interested in candidates who have additional interests and knowledge of the world. They need to go to the theatre, museums, concerts, galleries, castles, etc. They need to participate in sports and music. They need to have life experience of travel, other cultures, etc. Many of these activities are free or low cost. Many will cost less than an hour’s tutoring.

on a different note, like many pps, I am concerned that you don’t appear to have access to household money, which is financial abuse. As an equal partner in your marriage, you have a right to share your husband’s earnings and have a say in how they are spent. This is also a conversation you must have with him.

Have a lovely summer.

2-3 hours OP? Is it terrine followed by pheasant under glass? What the feck are you cooking? A roast may take a couple of hours but you don't need to watch the oven! I'm genuinely interested in what you are cooking every night?