Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

Do free things with the children. There are lots of options

During this summer, apply for work so that when the children go back to school you can start to earn money

Either use breakfast club and after school club OR find someone to take them to and from school OR find a job within school hours

Cook when you have free time and freeze so that there's always something for dinner and you don't have to prepare a meal every day

Speak to your husband about his wages going into a joint account so that you have some money to use for the children

Of all the excuses I've heard for not working " I didn't go to university " has to be the best one. Absolutely bloody ridiculous.

Get a job.

Your DH does sound borderline abusive financially, but it does depend on how much money is being put away vs how much you (as a family) are struggling. It can be difficult to determine what's abusive and what's frugal without more specifics.

But I'll echo what others have said, you really need to get a job. You don't have any reason not to and it will massively help you going forward. You need some independence and not be so reliant on this man. Get your mind away from the idea that you can't do it because lots of people do in similar situations.

Plenty of working mums organise drop offs, picks up and dinner, using Before/after school care, childminders, holiday clubs, batch cooking or simple quickmeals. You could work pt, during the school day, or when his home to do childcare. How old are your dc? You need to ask him for a budget for the summer and plan accordingly.

OP - millions of us mums work. We either put our children in breakfast/after school club or we (or our husbands) find work that fits around school. I have an office job and work 9.30 - 2.30. I can drop off the children, pick them up, cook dinner. These days there are plenty of flexible jobs around. Also since Covid lots of jobs are letting you work from home - occasionally I work a longer day at home but can still pop out and get the children from school and then finish work. Before this I got a lunchtime job in a school. I don't earn a great deal of money but it's a big boost to our family income and can pay for extra treats and holidays. It seems like you just don't want to work and won't even look at the options available to you. Is your husband actually tight or is he just not earning enough to pay for expensive days out and holidays? You ask how other families afford these things. 90% of the time both parents work. If not, the working parent is on a high wage.

And I meant to say you don't need a degree to do my job or many other jobs!

Some of the replies on here are very unkind.
I think it sounds like financial abuse.
You and your husband should be an equal team. Looking after DC and running the house is making a contribution. Does you DH do any housework, cook meals, look after DC?
Do you know how much he earns? If there are any savings? Do you have equal access to all bank accounts and money.
You need to sit down together look at income and outgoings and workout a budget, if earnings are low check to see if there are any benefits you can getting, are you claiming child benefit? Make sure you have equal access to all money.
If there really is no money and tbf to gain some independence you should look work, not having a degree does limit some jobs you can apply for but there's loads of other jobs that you dont need a degree for. Perhaps you can retrain? Start part time and then as DC get older you can build up hours. But DH will need to do a fair share around the house, cook meals and be equally responsible for DC . Juggling a job and children can be challenging. It sounds like you being at home might be very convenient for DH.
Finally taking DC out doesn't have to cost a fortune, you can go to the park, lots of museums are free, go swimming, take a picnic. There are low cost options for a day out, its more about spending quality time together. It does sound like DH might have a deeper problem then just being tight.

The responses are not unkind, they have been truthful. Op excuses are very feeble. Can't work because of drop offs and children getting sick? Really? Can't work because supper needs to be cooked? Are you serious. Millions of women manage this fine, and what on earth do you think single parents do? Op needs to get a job and stop being so dependent without any plans for her future.

Do you honestly think he will listen or discuss money with her? Do you not think he knows controlling the money not giving her access to money is controlling her and the kids?

We / she doesn't know if they are genuinely skint or if he's hoarding money. I suspect he is just scared to spend money on himself and the family. Or they should be claiming UC.

For many reasons her getting a job will redress the balance. Give her some independence. A life outside the house.
Enable her to take the kids on days out and buy nice extras for them. And help her build her confidence.
It will show her children that the women of the family are more that just housewives.

If she doesn't get a job now then what happens in 10-12 years when the kids have all left school?

It doesn't even need to be full-time, school dinner lady, or cleaner would be ideal because that is also term time.

I used to work every second day - Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. In this case I was able to do all cooking, cleaning, etc on my day off so the next day I was only heating the food.
I would also think about some jobs like cleaning as a self employed - you can adjust it to your husband's day off so won't need childcare.
Finally, if you are all the time at home - be a nanny, it's well paid.

But you do have to acknowledge whether the OP is being financially abused, and possibly emotionally abused too. If this is the case, she might be worn down and unable to think straight/make constructive decisions.

It sounds like her 'D'H doesn't really participate in family life, or do his share of household chores, laundry or cooking etc. Would he take time off work for a sick day? Would he do some of the drop offs/pick ups? The OP appears to have no idea about their finances, which suggests he's secretive as well as unwilling to spend in a more typical manner.

The OP is rightly concerned that if she works, she'll still have to do everything at home and possibly won't see any financial benefit, if her H sees her earning money as a reason for him to keep even more money for himself. Plus he'll still probably moan at her about the money she 'wastes' even if it's money she's earned herself because he doesn't see the need for new clothes, days out etc

They need to look at their budget together, agree spending/saving priorities instead of him unilaterally deciding what happens to their money.

Yes, it's a good idea that the OP works, but that must be conditional on him picking up more at home, which he should be doing anyway. The way the OP describes him, he sounds like he's from the 1950s.

What's your financial situation? How much money coming in and how much going out? What age are the kids?

You can get a job. Like the rest of us.

Wow what a harsh set of responses. "Get a job" isn't that easy - when I was in a relationship like this I wouldn't have been allowed a job. Simple as that. Not even allowed the opportunity to go and look for one. The OP needs empowering not telling she's a lazy fecker.

thank you everybody for your reponses. my daughter has learning need and the school sometimes call me during day if she has problem with her anxiety. so this involve catching two buses to get to the school.
I also have appointments to take her. our family meals take long time 2-3 hours to cook during the day as we use fresh ingredients, my husband has no skills to make these and time,

Also i like to keep the house tidy. my husband works in an office job but earns middle amount.

His job is also to travel to other towns and gets home late so a pattern cannot be used for me to get a job in evening. he gets very tired so i take care him. The term time work is all full in the schools.
i have worked before doing makeup and also bridal makeup which i have skills in. Also I did factory but paid very little minimum wage. also the travelling was issue as husband wasnt home and child care is a problem.
my parents don't live in this country and my husband mother doesnt live near and is an ill lady.

i only wish their was some money for childrens activity and other things families enjoy. all the female friend i know family are going somewhere these holidays.

The only way to determine if he really is tight or just accurate is to know how much disposable income is left after paying all the bills.

It could be that there's £1000 a month leftover that he refuses to spend, it could be that he's desperately trying to pay the bills and has less than £10 leftover at the end of the month.

If your kids are both at school then of course you could work, you are choosing not to and choosing to put the full financial burden on your partner.

You don't need a university education to work, I don't have one and have a very successful and well paid job.

You don't need to be in the house all day in order to make dinner, you just make food that takes 30 minutes to cook after you get in from work or you batch cook and prepare for your working days.

Besides all of that what are YOU doing with your kids during the summer holidays, you are the SAHP so I'd expect that you would take the majority of the responsibility not your partner.

He sounds very responsible to me. The vast majority (not all) of people living in 'everyday' houses and with 'everyday' jobs that enjoy multiple foreign holidays, expensive days out and newish cars do so thanks to their flexible friend (aka the credit card) or some sort of finance. It's been a way of life for many people in the UK for the best part of 20 years due to low interest rates.
I'm a bit like your husband. I'm very much of the opinion that if you can't afford it, you save up until you can. My kids are well cared for, have nice (second-hand) clothes and a roof over their head (owned with mortgage). We go on holiday within the uk once or twice a year. They've been lucky enough to go abroad a few times but it's not something we do every year. We don't have oodles left at the end of the month once the basic bills are paid and I like to put a little bit aside to a) save for their future and b) to cover unexpected bills such as car troubles or the boiler breaking down.
My kids don't understand how most of their friends eat out 2-3 times a week, go to the cinema / theme park / escape room etc. every weekend, have the latest iPhones and so on. We could live that life too, but I'd be paying it back into my old age and that's not the life I want to live.

our family meals take long time 2-3 hours to cook during the day as we use fresh ingredients, my husband has no skills to make these and time

🤦‍♀️

If you don’t want to work then, you’re going to have to demand access to money from your husband so you can do some things with the children. Because their lives sound utterly grim at the moment. As does yours.

Also, working in middle management in an office is not that tiring. Your husband is using his job as an excuse to do fuck all. Coupled with the financial abuse, he sounds like a right peach.

I cook plenty of meals from fresh ingredients that don’t take 2-3 hours! That’s insane everyday. Plus you can cook double some days and freeze, then just needs reheating on a busy day. Even my 13 year old daughter can knock up a stir fry in 20 minutes. Obviously doesn’t make the noodles from scratch but everything else is fresh.

Youre right, getting a job isnt necessarily easy, especially if its hours to fit around kids pickups etc. However, maybe OP is Lazy. Maybe her DH is financially abusive. Maybe hes not on enough money to be able to have these extra things and save for their family future at the same time... OP needs to clarify some questions others have asked before expecting everyone to jump on the 'financially abusive DH' bandwagon!
cantrememberwho - What are your familys finances? do you know?
Come back with an update and you may actually get some useful advice of where to go from here...!!

Whilst I think he’s being a bit of an ass never taking the kids anywhere, you also need to chip in and get a job. How do you think millions of other mothers manage with kids? A job that works around school hours, breakfast and after school club, asking for help from family and friends where needed, partner sharing some of the drop offs and pick ups. If you’ve got school age children then I’m sorry it’s not unreasonable to expect you to get a job.

How much does your husband earn?
How much goes out in essentials each month? How much is left over?
What savings do you have together?
We don’t know this so we cannot possibly comment on whether you can afford to spend money on non-essentials. But you absolutely should know this and if you don’t then there lies your first action - get to know your family financials.

30 minutes meal. their is no way to make the meals in 30 minutes!
i wrote we use fresh ingredients and can take 2-3 hours to cook!
what meals are these in 30 minutes.
the mortgage is very expensive and biggest expense. he chose this area because the schools are better to give the children a good education.
he says we need to save for tuition fees. when they go GCSE A level to hire tutors.

2-3 hours to cook a meal because you use fresh ingredients?!

You’re beyond help OP.

Do you drive OP? Could you take lessons?