Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

They only go hard if you over cook them, they’re only uncooked on the inside if you either take them off to fast or its too hot so they look cooked. Chilling and resting only makes a difference if you have made your dough too wet. Good dough doesn’t need any resting or chilling.

If you keep choosing to make too wet dough, why not make a batch and freeze it in balls, then you just put a new ball in the fridge in the morning to defrost for that night.

Well OP you have to choose your priorities. My husband and I both work. Yesterday was the first day of the holidays for us. My kids had a day out at the zoo. We took sandwiches (which I made in under 5 minutes) and bought ice creams there. For dinner I got a portion of chilli out of freezer and cooked some rice, took 15 minutes in total. I'm sure they'd have preferred to sit at home while I cooked all day.

Upgrading my “Uh-huh” to a strong “Yes”.

OP must surely be taking the piss....apparently the quality of their evening meal is more important than the kids doing activities and enjoying a rounded life.
You keep cooking away love....you clearly don't have any intention of working so you will have to enjoy the lifestyle your husband can afford.

I think there is an element of "activities expand to fit the time available" here.

OP clearly has a lot of time during the day, and it sounds like (forgive me if not true) that she's a bit bored. Therefore to some degree, she's spreading out tasks to fill the time.

Other people are time poor so they look at ways to cut corners.
If you're used to spending 2 hours to do something, it can be quite frightening to think it could be done any other way.

OP - I'd suggest starting small. Introduce your children to some meals that are quicker to make. don't offer an option . Use the time saved in exploring what you could do for yourself - look into online training, or even something like an Access course. You could consider starting your own business providing makeup services - just on a small scale to fit around your other committments. Just do something to break up your routine.

In terms of the children - is there no where locally you can go for free/cheaply? Look into activities at the local library, or our local parish council funds summer playsessions that are free for local children - do you have anything like this? Stop comparing yourself to friends - I'd say amongst my friendship group it's about half and half whether people are going away - and these are all people in 2 income families.

@cantrememberwho

are you being serious?! Fish and chips for lunch then curry in the evening?? Are you all overweight ? Most people after fish and chips would only want something light and heathy in the evening like a salad or a sandwich or something

not every single meal you make has to be homemade from scratch you know. What do you think is gonna happen if you don’t?! The occasional beans on toast or whatever isn’t the end of the world.

Well I guess you’ve sacrificed holidays and days out for hours the kitchen and tidying up!!!

This sums it up really

OP do you have access to a joint bank account or anything or does he give you keep? Part of me is wondering if the excuse about saving for tuition fees is all bollocks and he's using it as justification for keeping you short of money. Could you do a bit of make up stuff from home to give you a bit of cash?

I have gone from suspecting your husband may be financially abusing you too and feeling sympathy for you.

to doing an about turn and now feeling a great deal of sympathy for your poor husband.

his wife seems quite obsessed with cooking and all the extreme effort and time that this involves. He must look at female colleagues married and with children and think they are superwomen.

op - woman the fuck up. You’re being pathetic and have the audacity to whinge about your husband.

Aren't you afraid that your children will end up resenting their childhood and will want to see you less? You're prioritising your curry's over their mental wellbeing.

yep. When my kids were small I worked part time. But I paid for all activities and stuff for them, and days out for us (unless DH also coming) out of my own pocket.

(Dh was relaxed but I felt I was contributing to the household by a. Looking after them and b.earning my own small living to be able to pay for stuff for them).

It might not taste exactly the same but hey you'd have dc with a bit of enjoyment of life and life experiences. Id lie to eat delicious food slaved over for 3 hours a day too but I can't. I save it for weekends if there is time and my dc live full and fulfilled lives, can swim, play multiple sports and horse ride, they enjoy trying meals from different parts of the world in restaurants and visit educational and interesting sites, some times we even get McDonald's on the way home after a fun day out to save anyone cooking and washing up. Worth it for the experience. On Monday we go on holiday and have things booked every day. We'll have a mix of proper cooked meals, quick meals and restaurants/take always. I manage this because I work while my dc are in school. Your dc are truly missing out. Do they get enough exercise to off set all this important eating they do?

either this is a wind up

or

why are you ignoring the truth- that you are choosing not to earn money to provide for your children and enhance their lives because you’d rather watch a pot boil

Op you can get a part time job that works around school hours, there's breakfast clubs and after clubs.

I'm working weekends in retail, my hubby during the week- you are both adults and should take responsibility equally.

@cantrememberwho

Well I guess you’ve sacrificed holidays and days out for hours the kitchen and tidying up!!!

this sums you up OP.
it’s your choice and your decision as why your kids never get to go anywhere
Hope those not - out - of - a - can chickpeas are worth it

Having seen the updates , I suspect this is might be a wind up by some bored teenager.

Your kids won’t thank you for elaborate meals and no other experiences at all. They will be more frustrated as the get older. You are choosing to not work and provide. Excuse after excuse

Especially with 2 parents. They can both work and they can both pull their weight in managing the home and caring for the children.

OP, I have sympathy for you in that you should have access to money and your H shouldn't be treated all the money earned as his which you have no say in spending. Also, because it's not clear that he would step up if you started working and do his share.

But your children are bored and missing out on normal childhood experiences due to a lack of time/money...and rather than take steps to change that, you want to spend all your time in the kitchen cooking. Like pp say, feed them beans on toast or leftovers a few times a week and take them places! It's really not that hard.

This is insane. There are no meals that you eat that don’t take 3 hours to cook? None at all?

You would get used to tinned chickpeas with a good wash and you talk about cost so how much does all this washing and cooking costs? If you are pricing meals you need to factor in cooking costs plus water if you are on a meter. Plus if cooking stops you working then these meals are costing you a lot of money.

I also wondered if one of the reason your husband is so mean with money is that things are tighter than you know and he doesn’t want to worry you? He might not be able to afford new clothes or meals out.

@cantrememberwho
I can't suggest different ways but plenty of other posters have

-Posters who cook the same food have suggested shortcuts 🛑 You refuse

-Posters suggest replacing ingredients to save time 🛑 You refuse

-Posters suggest batch cooking 🛑 You ignore

-Posters suggests making some steps ahead of time and freezing 🛑 You ignore

-Posters suggest different recipes to save time 🛑 You refuse

-Posters suggest slow cookers and other appliances to speed it up 🛑 You ignore

You are the embodiment of the princess and the pea, except your children are missing out of activities because of your obsession with perfection.

OP I think a lot of the difference here is culture so you are unlikely to get the responses you want here, as your comments are starkly at odds with most British mothers - the reason their children are going on days out and holidays is because they do not cook in the way you do and a lot of them work, or have access to the family income and a say in how it is budgeted.

Do you children do any extra curricular activities at the moment, swimming lessons, gymnastics etc - if not, then try starting there as that may be an easier point to discuss with your DH. Academics alone will not get them jobs - I have a very good job in a profession that I would guess is one your DH would very much like your children to aspire too, I went to a good university and did well at interviews - but not based on exam grades alone, they are a given if you are at that point of applying.

What gets you the place or job is the extras you do and wider experience on top of the exam results. 3000 applicants per my job coming out of uni to be able to qualify in my profession in a decent firm, every single one of those people has the high exam grades and degree needed you need a lot more of the wider skills and experiences to be the person selected. Is your DH aware of that? As that is what he is currently preventing your children from developing and gaining, assuming there is some money to pay for those now

Any other posters starting to suspect possible mental health issues in the Op?

Why can’t you leave beans or chick peas soaking while you go out to work for a few hours?

so after making this i wash up and then prepare the evening meal of curries.

Third time lucky asking this - why can't your husband wash up? I'm sure his penis won't get in the way, or does he just see it as women's work?

OP, perhaps you could try a different approach with your Husband about activities for your children?

As he prioritises education above most things then maybe suggest that the days out and activities will help and encourage your children's learning also. Trips to museums, galleries, music things etc.

These not only help broaden children's minds, they can help to ignite interests in certain areas - think science museums as an example. Point out that children engage well with learning in these environments and often take that interest and hunger for more knowledge back into their more formal schooling.

You could also argue that when it comes to University applications your children will benefit from being able to talk about their extra-curricular activities and interests. A well rounded and inquiring mind, developed through hobbies and passions will help them stand out should competition for places be tough.

If he takes this on board you may at least get a few holiday trips and activities sorted and you can try and keep the momentum going and expanding the types of activities they can do.