Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

OP I've read your posts and it sounds lovely spending all day lovingly preparing elaborate meals for your family. I'm sure your dc will have happy memories of family dinners and come to realise that whilst they didn't get activity clubs and holidays they got a very dedicated mum.

I'm a good cook too but in the summer we have a lot of things like salads and stir fry that are ready quickly. In the winter I batch cook spag bol, lasagna, curry but just from paste, (i can make fab curries but I save that for Weekend entertaining), I make spiced vegetable soup, pasta bake, casseroles. Will usually last 2-3 meals so I freeze portions. Other nights it's easy stir fry and pasta dishes or meat/fish and vegetables. On busy nights dh even resort to tin and toast so they can get to music lessons, scouts and swimming all in one night!

I online order from waitrose or shop in person at lidl. I have one day off a week to batch cook, shop, take the dc to appointments (plus swim and garden!).

Our household income is high as a result of both of us working. My dc go to multiple clubs, spend much of the holidays in activity camps and clubs and we are going away 3 times for breaks of various lengths in the next 6 weeks (the kids go away more because we work). We also went abroad in May and will go again in October.

I think you need to realise that it's a choice to opt for your lifestyle. I don't think my way is necessarily better than your way. Your kids will get to chill out at home. Just don't blame your husband as much as look to how you could change things too. I'm not sure change would make you happier.

OP I think a lot of the difference here is culture so you are unlikely to get the responses you want here, as your comments are starkly at odds with most British mothers - the reason their children are going on days out and holidays is because they do not cook in the way you do and a lot of them work, or have access to the family income and a say in how it is budgeted.

Yes. This speaks volumes of culture. My guess too is that the DH expects such meals and service and would not lift a finger to help if the OP did get a job.

Your meals sound wonderful OP.

My rotis could be used as frisbees :(

oh, crosspost with Hophop26

We clearly had the same thoughts!

This.

Get a pressure cooker if you insist on dried beans.

Buy frozen spinach and sod the extra expense, it's cheap enough. Buy frozen garlic and ginger while you're at it. Get the big Asian brand packs that are a pound for 400 g.

Buy Nisha Katonas 30 Minute Mowgli book. Tells you all the shortcuts.

And if your DH won't let you do all this then you should LTB because it's abusive and controlling.

I do get their is obviously cultural issues going on and I had a lot of friends growing up from different cultures whose mothers could spend hours in a kitchen and make wonderful food and prepare feasts for special occasions, but they all worked and it wasn’t the norm.

When we went around for dinner I had no idea whether we would be having burgers and oven chips or a quick curry or an elaborate meal with loads of side dishes, home made samosa and breads.

OP you need to spend less time in the kitchen and more time with your children or getting a job. Do you really want the main thing your kids remember from their childhood to be the food and their mum being chained to the kitchen and I agree to spend all of Sunday cooking and doing housework? That’s nuts. Your family should not be eating two large meals a deal like that. Take your kids out to the park with a pic nic (don’t spend hours making it either) and a football and some food for the ducks and relax and when you get home just for once shove in the oven some frozen chips and pizza/frozen fish/burgers/pie and some frozen peas or baked beans. It really won’t kill any of you.

@cantrememberwho "send me a recipe that can make this food in 30 minutes without changing the taste or quality."

You are missing the point completely OP.

What we are saying is that you cannot live a life where you spend half the day every day in the kitchen making elaborate and slow meals while also living a life where you are out on holidays and full day activities with your children.

So something has to give.

You can either:

A) change nothing, continue as you are and stop complaining
B) have a discussion with your husband to understand exactly what the state of your finances is, if there is room for some give to allow for an activities budget. If there is then you'll need to reduce your cooking/cleaning time to actually partake in those activities
C) get a part time job to bring in the needed income and reduce your cooking/cleaning to enable the job and the activities.

I also question your common sense. Why would you spend 3 hrs every day making one meal when you could spend 3 hours once or twice a week preparing several meals at a time and then have that time free. You would have the same food as you are used to but a heck of a lot more time.

OP there are a few issues at play here. I'm not altogether clear if there is genuinely no spare income or if your DH has spare income but is being tight fisted. You've said he claims that there's no spare money and the cost of living has increased too much. But you've also said, "what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.". Do you actually know how much he earns and what proportion of his income is spent on the essentials? Do you know if he has savings and what they amount to? If he earns a low wage and 100% of his income goes on the essentials, then I would think he's being reasonable in claiming that there's no spare income for non-essentials. But if he earns a high salary, spends 40% of it on the essentials and banks the other 60% then he's being very unreasonable and miserly. You also seem to be stuck in a rut yourself - not prepared to consider any changes you could make that could alleviate the situation.

You have a few choices here.

(1) Confront your husband, tell him your children are having a really miserable childhood and you need a budget for things like days out and holidays. If there is genuinely no spare income or if he refuses to consider the idea, then you need to bring in some extra income yourself.

(2) Look for a job. You're making a lot of excuses but they're just that - excuses. Needing hours to prepare time consuming dinners is bullshit. You might like to do this but you don't need to do it. I'm a single parent. I work, cook the dinners and clean my home.

(3) If you don't drive already (you mentioned getting two buses to collect your DD from school) take driving lessons. If you get your own car, it will help with getting to/from work and also enable you to take your DC to places during the holidays. But I don't know if your DH would agree to this due to the costs it would entail - lessons, purchasing a second hand car, tax, insurance etc.

I don't know how old your DC are but they are depending on you (their parents) to provide them with these things - days out, meals in restaurants, holidays etc. You don't have to rush off to fun, exciting experiences every weekend. But you don't want them growing up full of resentment that their lives were so restricted and devoid of any fun experiences. Lots of kids miss out on these things for financial reasons and that's really unfortunate. But it's very unfair that your kids will miss out because their Dad refuses to loosen the purse strings a little and their Mum refuses to entertain the notion of getting a job.

Ah he's a pressure cooker - could cut any cooking time in half or more

-OP get a multicooker like a Ninja Foodi or Instant Pot. You can definitely make curries from scratch in 30 mins using those. It's like an electric pressure cooker you can steam/ bake in them too. If you look at Facebook & search Instant Pot South Asian food, you'll find lots of recipes.
-Go to the 'World Foods' frozen section in your local supermarket. Nowadays the quality of prepared frozen Asian veg (like okra, karela), ready fried onion and herbs (frozen blocks of ginger, garlic and chillies) is very good, and fresh tasting.
-you can also use a mulicooker to batch cook frozen blocks of masala which will speed up cooking.myheartbeets.com/indian-onion-masala/
-many Asian people here batch cook roti for the whole week, you can freeze them after they have cooled down and warm them up on the tuva, tastes like fresh.

Ultimately you both are living the life you lived back home. As you have figured out, it doesn't work like that here. Lots of South Asian women who came over in the 70s & 80s were spending hours in the kitchen like yourself but life changed. Now you need both parents to be income earners especially if you are immigrants and have no family help. Therefore the 70s & 80s South Asian women started to adapt, making most of their freezer to store pre-prepared ingredients, buying steamers/pressure cookers, so they could work, either at home (mostly sewing) or working in a school/ family business. Or getting training to do higher skilled work. Could you start your own business selling rotis/ currys on instagram? There's a lot of working mothers who would use a service like that. Ultimately it will lead to you and your kids having a better quality of life. You need to adapt to how life is here.

Also you'll find your kids will start asking you to cook food they've had at school so you'll find eventually you'll be making a lot of western food too which is much more simple to make.

This thread is pathetic and irritating now.

And set in the 1950s. ‘Goes well in front of the gas fire’. Fuck off.

Also OP it might be worth posting on the South Asian mumsnetters board in the future as you won't have to explain your situation as much and can get relevant advice from those that can relate.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/south-asian-mumsnetters

Gosh, never in my life have I spent 3 hours cooking a meal. Never. Not at Xmas, not at Easter, not New Year's Day. Never.

This thread (if genuine) has been an eye opener!

Sincere apologies to all who've taken time out of their day to post here. Unfortunately, the OP is a previously banned poster. We're going to close the thread to new posts but leave it up for the time being as there is some pretty sound advice on here that other (genuine) MNers might benefit from.

Thanks to all who reported.

OP do you have any female relatives or friends from the same background as you who work and could show you how they combine work and family life?

A relative of mine married into a British Pakistani family and the women had a cooking and childcare circle where they took turns and only made dinner twice a week each.

Gave them time to work or do things for themselves even if their husbands were of the 'women sort all the child and home stuff' mentality.