Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

And 2-3 hours a day cooking???? Madness. I make plenty of stuff from scratch as well as doing easy dinners and I absolutely do not spend 3 hours of my day cooking. Who has the time for that, I’m on mat leave and I still don’t have the time or patience for that.

What’s a middle amount? Do you get child benefit? Can you get carers allowance as your daughter has additional needs?

Do you know how much your housing and bills cost?

Depending on where you live and how much the basics of your lives cost it’s possible he’s sitting on piles of cash and being stingy, but equally possible there’s not much spare at all and he’s being sensible.

More jobs than ever can be done online at home, many with flexible hours. If you’re adamant you can’t do the work you used to it makes sense to look into wfh options. If your children are at school hopefully you have your evenings free when you could earn money.

I cook most of our meals, fresh and from scratch, I make our bread. There’s no way I ever spend 2-3 hours cooking a day, that’s not the best use of your time.

Get a job then he can't whinge when you spend money.

Why on earth are you spending 2-3 hours a day cooking?
Why can't your DH cook?

You are full of barriers to getting a job but others really do manage. You feel trapped because you find comfort in your routines and cannot see beyond. Your female friends who seem to have more , do they work, still manage to cook, clean? Slowcookers, freezers etc can all help you pre-prepare fresh meals. School call because you go running, if it were more difficult because you were at work they would find an alternative and it might benefit your dd in the longer term.

What are you cooking that takes 2-3 hours? Spag bol made from fresh is a quick meal, chilli, sausage and mash, jacket potatoes with healthy fillings, stir fry etc. None of these take 2-3 hours.

children dont need restaurents and trips to the beach and soft play every day,
they can be holiday treats.
look for free activities op

There are lots of good schools, not all are in expensive areas.

Can you batch cook OP? There are endless ways to eat well without spending 2-3 hours cooking every day. Most people don't spend 2-3 hours cooking every day whether or not they work.

If the food you make needs long slow cooking do this in a slow cooker so you don't need to be around while it cooks. Or do the main part in large batches and just do the accompanying rice, pasta, veg etc fresh each day.

Both DP and I do 12 hour days with our commute. We don’t make anything during the week that takes more than 40 minutes to cook, and we cook from scratch with fresh ingredients.

This week we’ve had stir fry, bean chilli and rice, lentil dahl with flatbreads, fajitas, and then a veggie pad Thai. All vegetarian, all good for us. If you want to make meals that take hours to cook, get a slow cooker.

That aside, you need to get a job. See if somewhere local can give you Saturday and Sunday mornings, or evening work on weekends. He can watch the children for a few hours on a weekend.

From your posts and the way you write, it seems you are from a culture where women do not work and maintain the house.

I am very much of the point of view that if your husband earns enough and you are all happy with this arrangement then go for it.

But it doesn't seem this is the case for you so maybe you need to consider earning and your DH adjusting his work accordingly to allow for this.

I work very part time so in terms of earnings, DH earns 75% of our annual income however this allows me to do most of the things you mention and therefore we don't pay to outsource it. ALL of our combined income is pooled and we decide together how it is spent. The childcare and housework I do allows him to progress and this works for us as a family so we all benefit, not just him

You don't say where in the country you are but all days out aren't expensive. We do lots of cheaper/free activities. These experiences are how children learn and develop so he is depriving them of a childhood by doing nothing.

Spanish omelette, risotto, any pasta dish, soup, all doable in 30 mins. Or cook big quantities of food twice a week / lots over the weekend, and store for reheating on busy nights

I think you need to totally re-evaluate your situation because you sound like a housewife from the 50's and I bet both you and your children are miserable.
Firstly, there is absolutely no reason to spend 2-3 hours cooking a meal! Maybe at the weekend as a treat but not every/most nights. Madness!
You also need to try to generate some extra income. It's easy to say 'get a job' but obviously not always quite so easy in real life but you certainly can't write off getting a job because you didn't go to university!
You said you used to do makeup, so could you do that again?
Something has to change because it's not fair on your children.
How old are your children?

It might be worth pointing out to him that not all education takes place in the classroom. Many opportunities are free or low cost. You say he is stingy and never takes them out but then suggest he works long hours. Do you take them out if you are with them all day in the holidays?

I think I've actually heard it all now.....OP can't possibly get a job because tea takes 2-3 hours to cook! What are you cooking on, a bloody camping stove?
It's so depressing in 2022, whilst the population endures a cost of living crisis to hear women cling to such feeble excuses not to work.
If you want to take your children out OP get a flipping job and earn some money for your family, stop moaning that your husband isn't providing you with the lifestyle you expect and do something about it yourself.

Sounds like you need to learn to manage your time better. I made a daal in 15 minutes yesterday from scratch while children ate their breakfast. Put some rice on in the evening and had it with yoghurt (also made at home from scratch in advance) for dinner.
You need to step out of your comfort zone and look at other meals

I'm a single mum and been one since youngest was 6m old. I was due to go back to work, but company collapsed.
I have been working alongside kids free nursery hours and school hours.
I got a job as a self employed, meant I could work from home at 3am to save on childcare fees.
I'm now changing jobs because children are older, I don't have to be at school runs in the morning.
It is very difficult, tiring and feels like a groundhog day, but it actually can be done.
You said your husband works in the office, meaning he has weekends and Bank Holidays off. Why don't you get a weekend job? I know people who do 12h shifts on a weekend and bring in extra 1k a month.
Also cooking 2-3h a day?? What kind of cuisines you're cooking? You mean that just because you're using fresh stuff, it takes that long???? Nonsense. I use slow cooker a lot! Chuck fresh stuff in it and it's all ready by dinner time. Also I've used Hello Fresh - their dinners are all mostly under 30mins, some under an hour. But I know none that take 2-3h AND they only use fresh produce. I like the variety and it's a nice a change from usual dinners.
Like all the posters have said - you can do it, you just have to make little ammendments/adjustments in your life. And as for your husband - this isn't 1954. Men are now equal parents to women. He needs to start pulling his weight arouns the house/chilscare and stop his "I'm paying the bills" bullshit.

What sort of food do you normally cook? Look up slow cooker recipes and there will be a version of whatever you are eating,

You need to go through your life plan and finances with your husband and you need to stop cooking for 3 hours a day that is insane and yes we eat proper food 95% of the time.

i can make one of a curry, spaghetti, stir fry, chilli in 30 minutes no problem. A roast dinner would take longer agreed but most food you can make quickly and then leave to cook.

You can cook a mean in 30 mins on a single camping stove

My friend does cleaning which fits easily around any other commitments

I can cook a stir fry in minutes. Reheat a frozen sauce (make double) and do rice/pasta/potatoes to go with. Eat a salad.

It's not necessary to spend 2-3 hours every day cooking.

Great point @FatAgainItsLettuceTime This is the information OP needs to tell us.

Saying that I sympathise with your children. My dad was like this, worked as a farmer so long hard hours 6 days a week, came home, had dinner and watched TV. I can't recall ever having a single day out with him as a child even on Sundays. He died at 67 with all his money sitting in the bank. I wish he had let himself enjoy life rather than saving for some unspecified time.

We weren't poor but spending on clothes, toys, trips / meals out was never a priority. My mother was also completely tied to the house as she felt she needed to be home 7 days a week to make his lunch and dinner.

It wasn't much of a life for either of them or us so while it's good to save and be frugal it's also good to say "Kids we're going out for pizza! Everyone get ready quick!" and treat your kids. Otherwise their life will be utterly joyless.

Home made Bean burgers with home made coleslaw
Egg and chips
Fried halomi couscous salad
Rissotto , many pasta dishes ,
Fried /grilled meat with veg mashed potatoes and gravy

Honestly 2 -3 hrs is only when we do a batch baking session - bread cakes pastries ( fill the oven if it's on)

What do you think about other women working op? And managing to cook tea for their family? Why is it different for you?

OP I understand your cultural background but if you want a more enjoyable life for yourself and children you need to start by getting a better understanding of your household budget.

Why does your husband get to say how much has to be saved? Why does he get to decide that sacrificing everything now for a future that might not come is the right path to take.

I really really doubt that he’s not even using £10 a week for himself. You need to fully understand the budget then you get to make a joint decision about what to do with whatever moneys left over