Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

Are you certain he doesn’t have a personal account you don’t have access to?
I’d start by going over the pay slip in case 15% is being rerouted to something not family centric.
Next I’d be upgrading retraining working even if only 4hr a day.
BTW all the working women I know, busted their butts organizing meals and pick ups.

It looks like a cultural problem with him. Is there anyone with the same background who behaves differently and can sort of influence him or to be used as an example?

I think all the posters saying ‘get a job’ as if it will magically solve everything are totally avoiding the problem - which is your stingy husband. You are a team, whatever anyone else might think, which for you at the moment is one stays at home and does everything for the kids. That’s totally fine, you and your husband’s choice. And it’s great for the kids to have that also, let’s be a bit real, juggling jobs and kids isn’t easy. Do not be ashamed about staying home with the kids!

What isn’t fine, is that your husband is controlling all the money as if it’s all his. It’s not ‘his’ you are a team, but he is not letting you have any say in this team. That’s what marriage and partnership is, pooling your money, your time, pooling housework and chores. Just because your work is the kids and the house, does not mean he gets to hoard the purse strings and demean your role. Your role is something to be valued, the kids are to be valued.

I’d start by simply stating that you are not prepared to be put in a position where your role is demeaned and tell him that hoarding his money is a form of financial coercive control. It is not simply up to him how all the money is spent family wise. It is up to both of you and his word is not the final word.

Look for a job in the Civil Service, you can work family friendly hours around school, even term time only.

Definitely make sure you know the answers to those questions about your finances plus how much does he have in savings?

Without knowing this you don't know what affordable. As a family you could be in debt or have millions in the bank or anything in between.

Do you have access to your own money for your own spending?

In any case if you don't want to use wrap around childcare, get a job for a couple of evenings a week when he's home to look after DC.

And yet many of us single parents have full time jobs and still do all this. It sounds like you aren’t confident. Maybe a training course to help you back into the workplace? Did you work before marriage / children?

This is just life I'm afraid, how to you think millions of other people manage? Your husband will have to step up and help out a bit

Do you have any influence on any of the house hold decisions that are made? Or do you just react to what he says? If it's the latter then you have bigger problems than your kids not getting a day out.

He sounds soo depressing and like an old man. You need to talk to him calmly but firmly and tell him things are changing and the children and you need a holiday and days out as a family. It does not have to be expensive, can do a packed lunch and bring drinks and enjoy yourselves. Even go to the park for the day as lots of good ones with activities going on. Some people rude on this thread to you and I can understand that you feel overwhelmed with looking after the children etc and seems like you have been grounded down and lost your confidence. He needs to let you have access to a shared bank account also as you should have money as you should be a unit. I would start by doing a part time training course in something you enjoy once kids are back at school and take it from there. Hope things improve but only you can make the changes so stand firm and start making things happen or else you will have the rest of your life so boring and he will not change unless you tell him things have to as you are not putting up with this forever.

I think it depends on how much money there is for your family. If your husband is not a high earner then being careful in the current climate may be a very good decision for your family’s financial security going forward. He may feel quite a pressure being the sole provider.

Do you know all the details of the family finances? Is he open and honest?

As others have suggested, it might be a good idea for you to get a part-time job so there is more money for extras.

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill?

You do. You do all that and you work too. How do you think the rest of us do it?

I've left out the part where your husband could do sone of it as it doesn't sound like he's that kind of man.

P.s a person who's mean with money will always be mean with money - you will never ever change him.

How do you thinks millions of working parents manage ???
You use wrap around care or get a part time job.
Everyone else who works manages to cook a 'family meal'.

I don’t think “you need to get a job” is the first pier of call here… firstly: how much does he earn- is there enough money for these things?? Do you have access to money from his salary? If you have no job and no access to any money, you need to consider leaving or looking for employment.
If you separate he would have to pay child maintenance and have the kids in his sole care sometimes, you might be better off.
x

I agree that you should contribute to the family pot financially. Even take up a bill or two to help pay. It’ll take the pressure off.
Make sure you tell him that you’re seeking work, I’d like think that he’s help and support you in this.

Lol why are you acting like this is impossible ?

Either of you can do the school run. Either of you can cook. And you don’t have to be unemployed to ensure your family have a cooked meal, you sound really dim OP. Millions of people work and manage to ensure their household can eat. Cooking a meal isn’t more important than having a job.

if the children are unwell, one of you will take leave to look after them

and sorry but being uneducated is no excuse for being unemployed - many people don’t go to university but hold down a career

you sound very, very immature OP and a bit of a gold digger. I’m not surprised your husband is frugal with money if you refuse to work for stupid reasons and also expect him to waste money on frivolous reasons.

You will appreciate how hard it is if you go and earn some money. The cost of living rises are crippling.

You need more info;
How much does he earn?
How much are outgoings?
Is he saving and how much?
If he really is doing those things and saving for the kids, how much is left over?
Is he really tight or sensible?
If you want more family income, then do what the rest of us did; get a job.

FWIW I worked when my kids were small, I had a job in local government , took maternity leave and returned to work. Yes, it was hard, but we did it. As the kids got older it got easier as we paid no childcare, and they were able to keep their own rooms tidy and even cook us simple meals. I had money that I had earned, and I paid into a pension, which means that now I am retired that is paying me.
You need answers and then DO something.

Get a job and some independence. As others have said stop making excuses.

You getting a job is not the issue here.

1. Do you have any access to money at all?
2. he “brings home the food”- literally? So you don’t even get to choose what you eat?

sounds to me like an abusive marriage and you getting a job won’t make it less abusive.

time to have a long hard think. I’ve lived 100% on benefits and my children didn’t wear rags and we had the odd trip out.

If there's no extra money there's no extra money, but will he do things like walk to the park with a picnic? I do understand that school time jobs are few and far between and if you have several kids the wage you make can eat up any additional money you make. What time does he finish? Does he do random shifts or on call? Could you work a couple of evenings in the week or pick up a couple of nights?

Sorry I meant if you have wrap around care for several kids it eats up any extra money made

It is totally nuclear from your post whether you wish there is more money available or whether you wish the money you have as a family, were spent differently.

Totally different issues.

First: It seems fair for you to do all the childcare if he brings in all the money. You want him to do more with the kids, you renegotiate that and bring in money, too.

Second, on the money: if you wish there were more money available in total, your family as a whole is going to need to earn more. The easiest is probably for you to get a job (and depending on how intended or childunfriendly that job is, it means he should do some stuff around the house).

If there is enough money but you disagree on spending it, THEN a fight might be in order to gain equal say in your finances.

But you can't demand your cake and eat it too - as in, you can't just think it's fair to try to nag him into mysteriously gaining more earning power (while also, if I understand you correctly, working less?).

*totally unclear, sorry

Why is it that divorce is always the go to answer on Mumsnet?