Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

Are you both from a different culture with the expectation that you stay at home and he works?

I have learned from experience (even though I have always worked) it's never ever a good position to be In being financially reliant on someone else.

If you work you have more options should things go wrong (granted we shouldn't have to think like that). Which tbh sound like they are.

PP saying it's not about you not working are wrong - it is. But it's also about your husband having full control over what happens.

Plenty of people have children and work and do it single handedly. You really need to start thinking about it, for your own independence if nothing else.

Well there's some free things you can do with the kids like trips to the park, walks, feeding ducks, going for a paddle in a stream etc so they don't need to stay home for 6 weeks.

However, I agree with everyone else on this thread. You need a job and your own income.

There are jobs you can do around school hours. Your children are presumably out for around 6 hours at school most of the year and only occasionally off sick.

Cleaning work, care work, a job in a school are some examples where you could work between 9am - 3pm and start getting your own income and work experience.

What access to money do you have?

In our case, it wouldn't matter if my DH was really stingy and never took our DC anywhere (although he's not), because I'd just do what I liked with DC out of the family money. If DH thought I was spending too much, we'd have a discussion about our budget and level of savings and agree a sensible amount to spend on activities and trips out.

The problem seems to be that he views the money earned as 'his'. You are facilitating him earning by staying at home and doing chores/childcare so, if it is your joint decision for you to be a SAHP, then you should have an equal say in how the money is spent. If he would prefer that you get a job, that is reasonable too but then he needs to help facilitate this by doing his share of the drop-offs, sick days, childcare, chores, cooking etc.

Sounds like he’s stingy and you are lazy.
If your children are at school it doesn’t take all day to clean a house and cook a meal.
Get a little job, even 10 hours a week would give you enough money for a few treats.

Get a job and some financial independence.
Part time around the children if needs be.

Do you know your husbands income and where it goes? A lot of families would find it hard to provide a comfortable lifestyle with a nIce home, car, holidays and clothing on one income alone. Is there actually a lot of money left at the end of the month?
If there is then maybe he is being stingy. If there isn't then how does he provide the lifestyle you would like to have? There are a lot of people who don't have cars or nice cars and shop in primark and won't be having days out or holidays over the summer break and that's with more than one F/T income.

If he is saving towards things for the children for the future do you know what's there? Do you have those same goals for your kids weddings and education? How will you and your kids feel if you get to those things and he says there aren't the funds to provide the things you might have hoped for as you decided to have a nice car and holiday each year? Would a child's wedding be a lavish affair paid for by parents? How much money would that take for how many children?

Would you both like to be able to fund your kids university fees? How much is that? Will you be able to do it out of income when the time comes? Is your DH putting money by each month to save for those things? Is he trying to pay off the mortgage before the kids get to that age so he can use his income to help?

I've known a couple of women who used to complain about their husbands being stingy but the husbands were continually borrowing to get by and meet some of the expectations of their wives. The women did get jobs but in their culture their income was their own and not to go towards such mundane things as household expenses or childcare, cleaning, gardening while they were working etc. They wanted their husbands to do more to help in the home and with children but did not expect to help financially themselves. Their husbands definitely were lazy and not doing any housework etc but the wives also had unrealistic expectations financially and would belittle their husbands for not providing the lifestyle they expected.

I think it's important for you to know where you as a family stand financially. No point in just knowing that he earns for example 50k if you don't know what your expenses are and what's left.

There are various issues here:

• if you mean that beyond the financial aspect your husband never wants to do anything with your kids then this is a problem Not everything you can do with kids has to costs a lot of money: spending time in the park, going to a museum, all that stuff is free. If your husband has no interest in interacting with his kids then why did he have them?
• Is it really the case that you are struggling financially and your husband might have a point or is it the fact that he is a controlling and miserable human being who is unable to enjoy life?

I would say it doesn't sound like the happy situation for you and your kids.

The suggestions of finding a job yourself and looking at whether the relationship is really worth of the aggravation are spot on.

My father was a bit like your husband. No interest whatsoever in doing any kind of activity with me, unable to have fun and enjoy life and it was a really miserable experience. I never went anywhere, never had a holiday or got involved in the type of sporting activities or other stuff that parents usually try to get their kids involved in to help them develop their skills and self-confidence. Most of mu time was spent playing alone in the home in my room. Money was not an issue, parents were just too self-entered and never bothered...

What nonsense. How do you think other people manage to work? You don’t need to drop them off and pick them up. They have a father who can share that responsibility. There are breakfast clubs, after school clubs, childminders, Nannies etc etc. Have you never wondered how everyone else manages it?

You also don’t need to have a meal on the table when your husband gets home from work. Presumably he knows where the kitchen is?

You seem to be living in the past.

If you want money then go out and earn it. Also, stand up for yourself and spend some of the household income that your husband earns. It’s not just his money.

You need to get a job. Evenings, weekends or before school.

The problem here is that you don’t actually seem to know whether there’s enough money to do any of the things you want to do. Maybe there is or maybe there isn’t

Do you claim child benifit?
How much does DH earn?
How old are the kids?

Could you get a lunchtime school supervisor job? That should allow you to get a small amount of money, and still do the other things you are concerned about.

You say DH wears old clothes. Do you get access to money for new clothes?

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.

You'd manage the same way countless other families do.
You'd share the school run, sick days, cooking etc and supplement it with before and after school club.

Not working is luxury which not everyone can afford.

Can you sit down together and do a budget. Work out how much spare you have each month once essentials are paid for. Then work together on how this extra is allocated. It sounds like he is deciding everything financial at the moment and that is not right. You are a team. There is no way he would be able to work as he does without you doing everything at home.

A common suggestion Is that you have 6 months worth of expenses saved for emergencies. Can you suggest that first? Then look at pensions and fun money. You are right that it is good for your kids and their development to go for days out and holidays so if there is spare money left each month I would be really firm with him that you want to use sone money for that. If you have trouble agreeing, maybe you could go and see a financial counsellor together. They might have sone suggestions about how to make the most of your money.

I also think that you should get a job. It will ease the pressure on your husband if there is another source of income and gives you that additional money for family fun. Don’t let you lack of education make you think you can’t get something. If you are capable of running a house you are capable of working. I feel like you were young when you started your family and lack confidence. Please don’t let that stop you.

There are jobs that fit around children. Could you try and get a couple of cleaning jobs? If you only do school hours 2 days a week you might be able to change the days you do if the children are ill. It will become easier as they get older too.

“My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.”

Missing the point of the thread somewhat, but to my mind this is a healthy/sensible approach.

However, family experiences, days out, holidays, etc, surely should be prioritised if there is money available?

Get a job, use childcare

I haven't been to uni, I have kids but I still work full time! Before and After School Clubs, Holiday Clubs etc........ also food is quick and easy midweek. And if the kids are ill I take annual leave or work from home.

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.
It seems as if there may be a cultural aspect to why you (and perhaps your husband) feel your place is at home? Are you both from cultures where this type of division of labour is the norm? Are you both open to the idea of you joining the workforce?
Running a car, however old, is expensive.
Paying a mortgage is expensive.
The running costs of a home are really expensive.
Feeding and clothing a family is expensive.
Saving for the future is something many families definitely do not manage.
He's managing this on one salary, which, if he's on a modest salary or wages, is admirable, and there probably isn't much left at the end of the month. (If he's on +60k, on the other hand, he probably is stingy.)
Do you know how much he earns?
Do you know what your family outgoings are?
Are you claiming any benefits your family may be entitled to?
If you feel able to have the discussion with him, request that he talks you through the family finances. Tell him it is because you want to understand your financial situation and figure out a way to share the financial burden. Ask to see pay slips, bank statements, all regular bills such as council tax, utilities and home insurance. Look at receipts for weekly shopping if he, as you say, is the one who brings home the food.
Ask whether there is a savings account and see how much is in it.
If your husband is happy to share this information with you, you are able to move on to discussing whether a) things are tight and you would all benefit from you getting a job (there are 100 reasons why this would be brilliant for you in any scenario) or b) if there is a lot of extra money, how it could be redistributed to include activities and days out.
Entering the workforce in one way or another is a ticket to greater financial choices for you, if not complete freedom. No need for a university education. There is shift work in retail, care and hospitality which could fit in with family life. The women working as school meals supervisory assistants and lunchtime playground supervisors in my school have family set-ups like yours; they work between 10 and 1.30 so have plenty of time for the school run and to care for their homes.
Work is amazing. Even if you've never worked before in your life, there will be a job for you somewhere, you will be able to do it, and the rewards will feel great!

Well that's your fault then that you haven't studied. Get up and do something about it. You don't get to sit there and demand things from him, when you are not contributing to thr financial load. Millions of people work and fit drop offs and school illness, and then come home and cook .
What's your plan for when your children get older.

How you and your DH are managing the family is clearing not working and I would suggest you sit down and try and review everything together, from you working, to the housework to going through the entire household budget, all monies coming in, going out, owed and in savings.

I think you need to make some changes.

Your comments about a family meal are a little OTT, it’s not that hard to put together a simple meal in 30 minutes or less. We both work full time and manage to eat.

If you are not working atm then this would be the perfect time to get some training whilst the children are at school. Perhaps something like book-keeping, which you could then use to work from home with in the future.

It's really important that you are either working, or preparing yourself for work, please don't waste these years as you will either want or need the financial independence as the children get older. Please think about enrolling on an online course TODAY. It doesn't have to be anything big or career defining, just find a 1 or 2 day course in something that sounds easy or interesting to get the ball rolling. Please do take work seriously and do not depend on someone else for income.

What a miserable life. Your poor children.

Your only option is to bring in money yourself and give the children a bit of joy in their lives with your earnings.

They’re not easy to come by, but jobs around school hours do exist. How old are you our children? Can they walk themselves to school soon?

LMAO. When my DD was small i worked evenings packing food in the local factory. Then as she got older and more independent I worked my up through the ranks, and increased my hours. No degrees needed.

Lots of people work and and do all that for their dc, how do you think single parents work?

By the way, I also think your dh is wrong

If he's talking about saving it doesn't sound like your finances are that tight you can't afford the odd trip or treat. You should be able to understand your financial position and jointly agree to what's affordable, if not, that's financial abuse. Yes, you might be brassic, so an evening job etc might be needed, otherwise there are lots of free and cheap things out there if you can afford a few £ on petrol or parking.