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Original poster

Dd has rejected her Baby

517 replies

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:32

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/07/2022 22:35

DS is his priority? So why doesn’t he have 50/50 with her now?
DD sounds rocked by the ending of her relationship. Overwhelmed by the idea of having sole responsibility. And possibly some PND?

Muststopeating · 20/07/2022 22:35

I know very little about it and hope someone with more knowledge will be along soon... but since the baby is only 9 months old could her feelings and volatility be post partum depression?

I'd suggest that before a court order the next step is trying to get her some help?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/07/2022 22:35

Don’t rush in to anything. Do you want responsibility for your dgs 50% of the time? Would dd be able to contribute financially to his care? Is a social worker involved?

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Someaddedsugar · 20/07/2022 22:35

Hope you're ok @dalmatianmad, it sounds a really hard situation.

I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run.

I hope you, DD, DGS and DD's ex-DP are all ok.

Featherbirds · 20/07/2022 22:35

It sounds like she may have PND, does that sound right? Have you reached out for support?

endofthelinefinally · 20/07/2022 22:36

Where is her HV and GP in all this?

ThePocket · 20/07/2022 22:36

I would encourage DD to seek help from her GP. There's a team called the perinatal team and they help mothers bond with their babies and I think they can also arrange counselling and hopefully they'll be able to help DD with whatever issue she is having about motherhood. I imagine becoming a new mother then her marriage breaking down caused some resentment as they are both very big life changes and I hope she gets the help she needs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 22:36

The baby has two parents and one is bailing so the other needs to step up. The dad will have to find a way to cope by using childcare and juggling work, as all single parents have to. Your daughter will have to pay maintenance if she doesn’t see her son.

I can’t imagine how you must be feeling but they chose to have a baby, not you, and you’re already doing plenty, if not too much. He can’t insist you have shared care, that’s ridiculous.

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:37

I have baby 3 days per week whilst she's at work.

Ex has him 3 days on his days off.

She has him 1 day and can't cope.

I think we've enabled this behaviour.

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 20/07/2022 22:37

No advice but didn’t want to read and run. Has dd had any counselling or professional support?
Would she accept you and the father taking over? One thing to shirk responsibility, another to give it up.
Best of luck to you and dgs x

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 22:37

I would contact Social Services.

I won't lie, I think the attitude of the child's father is shocking. He can't have him full time because he has to work? How does he think all of the other single parents in this world manage? He needs to step up and be a father.

WhoAre · 20/07/2022 22:37

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 22:39

She may have PND, she may not. Loads of men decide they don’t want to be involved parents, some women do too but few actually act on it. OP’s DD may be one of them who do. It’s not unheard of.

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:39

I think your right, it's all gone very downhill since they separated.
She seemed very attached and bonded with the baby before they separated.

Now she doesn't seem to care.

She didn't ask about him at all when she went away for the week.

She face timed to say she was safe/having a good time/ met a guy and slept either him. No mention of the baby.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 20/07/2022 22:39

Sounds like the father should have his son 100% of the time and maybe you can help with childcare 3 days and he can pay for childcare the other 2 days that he is working (like most other people do). Why would you have your dgs 50% of the time when he is not at work…or have I misunderstood something?

BattyHatti · 20/07/2022 22:40

The babies Dad needs to take custody and sort out childcare. All single parents struggle, it doesn't mean they split custody with random family members.

This is not your child.

Carry one doing the 3 days childcare for him but tell him he needs to take full custody.

ExclamationMarc · 20/07/2022 22:41

This isn't what I signed up for type of comment reminds me of PND.
I wouldn't do anything formal that she may regret later but I would support her with childcare as much as 50% if needed until she gets better which might be 3, 6 or 24 months..
The dad needs to do more than weekend fatherhood. Women's lives are shakes up to no end when they have a baby, He needs to find a way to have his child more even if it meant working part time and claiming benefits or stomping up for nursery on his working days.

Jalepenojello · 20/07/2022 22:41

I would do all you reasonably can. I can’t imagine your scenario. It doesn’t sound like she is the best person to rely upon to meet her child’s needs so if she agrees to you taking responsibility it may be for the best.I agree with getting advice from social services first, perhaps with the father

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/07/2022 22:41

Do you have a relationship with the parents of your daughter’s ex?

perhaps a “family” meeting is the way forward?

HollowTalk · 20/07/2022 22:42

I think it all depends what your daughter was like before. Has she had mental health problems before this? Is this completely out of character? Is she prepared to see a doctor? Did she cooperate with the midwifery staff?

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:42

Lunadreamer why do you think his attitude is shocking? He's admitted he needs to work in order to provide for him. He's never claimed benefits in his life. He has no family to support him.

I've suggested she has PND. She doesn't want to engage with the GP.

She was excited to be pregnant. Ds seemed very much wanted.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/07/2022 22:43

SeaToSki · 20/07/2022 22:39

Sounds like the father should have his son 100% of the time and maybe you can help with childcare 3 days and he can pay for childcare the other 2 days that he is working (like most other people do). Why would you have your dgs 50% of the time when he is not at work…or have I misunderstood something?

This seems correct to me too.

Instead of your DD being the resident parent and his father having him part of the week, his father becomes RP and you continue providing childcare 3 days a week. Your DD pays maintenance to his father.

JKRowlingDevilWoman · 20/07/2022 22:44

Your dd is struggling and needs help. Saying you've enabled this behaviour seems a bit judgemental to me. If she has PND, or other mental health problems then that attitude isn't going to help. She need support from a mental health professional.

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2022 22:44

She can’t cope?
You are not enabling any behaviour. You should see it as her needing support. She had a child with someone she thought would be around forever. Now she’s alone. Grieving the loss of a relationship. Grieving not having the family she hoped for. And probably struggling to cope with the effect it’s having on her MH.

Original poster
dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:44

No previous MH problems.

Had a brain Injury a few years ago which changed her massively. She still has some ongoing problems. We all knew she would need extra support with yhe pregnancy/birth and baby. One of the reasons I've been so involved.
Her mood has been up and down since the accident/injury. She's been very short tempered since.

OP posts:
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