Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

There's an awful dynamic here. Your disdain for your daughter is clear while you admire her ex. He also isn't willing to step up for his baby but you're full of excuses for him while judging her. I can only guess how much that has contributed to her declining mental health after a brain injury, a pregnancy, then the break up of her marriage with a newborn.

She needs help. You seem to be more interested in rubbishing her than helping her, but try to find it in you to get her to professionals who care.

OP has pointed out that he's had to move back with his dysfunctional and uncaring parents. It doesn't sound like an environment in which to be a full time parent to a 9 month old.

OP - I think the most important thing is to inform GP, health visitor and social services. If your daughter won’t see GP, you can book an appointment with GP and explain the situation - mentioning her difficulty managing with baby and your concern over PND (with context of personality change after head injury).

basically GPs should be able to contact social services and health visiting team so you and your daughter can get advice (as this involves child safeguarding - as parents are struggling to cope). I think the previous head injury and her personality change after it is relevant as well as PND and relationship breakdown.

I think it would be wise to have your daughter speak to her doctor because it does sound like PND.

Her DH needs to step up. If it had been the other way round and he had walked out leaving her with sole responsibility, well, that often happens and the woman is expected to deal with it. So, he needs to deal with it.

Did your daughter really tell you she'd slept with some random bloke when she was on holiday? The fact that she told her mother that, seemingly casually, would be ringing alarm bells with me.

The head injury seems a very major factor in this - what is the current medical prognosis?

It doesn't sound like the dad's place is a good environment to bring up a child in either (living with a very dysfunctional family).Your DD sounds like she has had too much to deal with,especially the ongoing and perhaps delayed effects of the brain injury, babies, even well settled ones can be challenging. Has her attention span and personality changed since the injury?
I'd lay it on thick about how worried you are about the injury (don;t mention PND at this point)and offer to make the appointment and go with her to the GP or pay to see a specialist.

You need to decide what you are prepared to do? Are you prepared to take on the child on a more formal 50/50 basis with the dad? You might be able to get some child tax credit/benefit to share between you to mitigate costs.
What hapens if you get very attached and then the father wants full custody later on?
Will your DD feel you have abandoned her in favour of her baby?
How stable is the father? if he comes from a very dysfunctional family will he cope on his own if you want him to be the RP?

You need to consider issues such as:
Would your DD move home to get support and care?Could she cope living with you and the baby?
How long does the father need to save up to get a rental and get away from his dysfunctional family?
Perhaps you could help him look into what benefits he might be entitled to ( turn2us or entitled to are good online calculators).

It is a dreadfully worrying situation for you. I really hope you can sort things out and your DD agrees to get some help.

I think it’s also necessary to try to get her some more help with the effects of her brain injury.

How much NHS support or investigation has she had? Has she ever been able to see a neuropsychiatrist? Whether it’s counselling or recognition or help if she has executive dysfunction or cognitive challenges, it could be that partying and normal life doesn’t show up her difficulties in the way that having a baby does. This might frighten her and maybe she can’t understand it properly herself but feels inadequate. Headway the head injury charity are a good source of support www.headway.org.uk/ The NHS can be really neglectful with ’walking wounded’ brain injuries.

I agree with this and there are the PND comments, but your posts seem to suggest otherwise OP. Sometimes it just isn't PND and maybe she has been enabled. It doesn't always have to be PND. But then you mentioned a brain injury which really, really complicates her attitude towards her baby. It is not working, you don't want 50% custody, he has to get full custody and if you can help him, do, but she is not suddenly going to change.

Some of these posts are just incredible.

I had a baby a month after turning 17, had horrific postnatal and quite frankly was just not old enough to care for a baby. However, I never once abandoned my baby or put my own needs before hers. I faked it! I also accepted help because I was are that I needed to do so for my child.

I can absolutely see why op is fed up with her daughter, she is able to function in every other area of life but not looking after her own child for one day a week or even making attempts to speak to somebody about her feelings and inability to cope.

The OP must be under an immense amount of stress.

I don't mean to sound flippant but I'm not sure how much that matters now.

You are where you are.

The question you need to answer right now is are you willing to be a de-facto parent to your DGS?

You can encourage your DD to visit the GP but you can't make her go. If she's checked out of motherhood your options are to leave the father to it or not.

Of course, he should be stepping up but it sounds like he's not in a great place himself without his own home and little family support.

Realistically, you're not far away from a SS intervention if you back away and if you did, you'd likely be the preferred option to look after your DGS (and if you couldn't then foster care is a likely next step).

Fundamentally, from a longer term point of view then adoption is a possibility if neither parent or yourself can look after the baby.

I'm sorry you are in this position and I feel you have some tough decisions to make for your DGS and yourself.

Personally I think you need to have a discussion with both parents (separately) and lay out some stark choices.

1. Your DD goes to the GP and if she does you'll continue to support her whilst she's addressing her health and trying to get back on track. That doesn't mean babysitting when she's on holiday/partying. If she won't engage you are not going facilitate her.

1. Make the above clear to the father. Ask what his plan is. As pp's have pointed out, single mothers face exactly the same dilemmas. Has he researched benefits/housing etc? Offer what help you feel able to give but make clear it's not limitless.

1. Make clear to both parents they need to step up. If they won't put your DGS welfare first, you will. That means calling in SS which could result in their child being taken out of their care. Ultimately adoption could be an end point.

1. For yourself, make a decision. What are your limits here? If you are being asked to parent your DGS and you are willing to do so then it should involve you becoming your DGS's legal guardian (https://kinship.org.uk/news/as-a-grandparent-how-can-i-obtain-parental-responsibility-for-my-grandchild/). You do not want to be a "parent" without power.

Good luck

On a practical level, l suggest you contact the Family rights Group - they have an advice line. They support grandparents who end up looking after their grandchildren. frg.org.uk/

I think that DGS’s dad needs to get advice about single parent benefits and look into having DGS full time and juggling, like as pp
have said, a lot of single parents do.

I think with DD, it sounds like she’s having a really tough time with the transition to single motherhood and prefers the young & single lifestyle. I’m sure that she is very aware of what she should be doing but for various reasons she’s not able to, and that will be causing her stress as it’s a misconception that moth mothers take to it like a duck takes to water, when in actual fact most of us struggle for different reasons and it isn’t plain sailing.

I would encourage her to re-engage not by her having DGS one day a week, but for short periods several times a week, gradually building up to a half day, whole day and overnight over the course of months, at a pace that suits DD’s ability to cope. Would it be an option to maintain the current childcare with you have DGS for 3 days, for DD to work when baby is with his dad and then for DD come round when you have DGS and build up her contact and positive time with him with you supporting her?

A PP mentioned distain for your daughter. I just see how difficult this is for all of you.

I think all you can do is continue supporting her but both you and her Ex need to try to get her to talk to her GP, HV, counselling etc.

Until you can determine if it's PND/her ABI/Denial/a Breakdown or just selfishness, it's probably best not to formalised anything.

Is she open to SS etc? She needs to at least discuss this.

I agree, @BreadInCaptivity , the OP needs to be clear with the parents about the choices they're faced with.

I don't like this assumption that the OP will step into a parenting role, because two adults, who chose to have a child, can't/won't/may not currently be able to parent. That's a totally unreasonable expectation.

If the father does have his child to live in his parents house with him when they themselves have no interest in the baby, that is not going to be a good and stable situation for the baby. This poor child has a mother who doesn’t want him, a father who can’t support him and has no home of his own. You are literally the only person that child has who can give him any stability and proper love .

If does sound like your daughter has PND but if she won’t go to the GP, there is little you can do. As someone suggested, could she live with you for a while?

It’s a huge ask for you to take over 50 percent of the care, but it might make all the difference to the child’s life if you can step in and provide stability. I would not take legal steps , just do what you can for the time being and try to persuade your daughter to get help.

Quite honestly the poor child sounds like they should be put up for adoption, as someone else said. What an awful situation you are in. You must be exhausted and so worried.

I manage a team of family support workers, many of whom support young parents and have seen many situations like this before.

Mum may have post natal depression, however, she may just be newly single in her early 20s and have limited interest in a baby now reality has hit.

Dad is living at home with his parents who are apparently dysfunctional. In an ideal world of course dad would take full responsibility but you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Honestly- I would go with the plan of granny doing 50/50 in the hope that mum matures and re engages. Most important thing is stability and strong attachment for the child- especially for the next few years.

What sounds good in theory rarely works out in practice.

That's a horrid thing to say. Baby has a father and grandmother who love them and a mum who most likely loves them but needs support. Do you think the care system is a walk in the park for kids?

This.

If this were my daughter I'd be supporting her while it's 50/50. Improve the bond and yes she sounds like she needs to take responsibility

Could your DD pay for childcare? Start taking responsibility in providing care for him.

I had a baby a month after turning 17, had horrific postnatal and quite frankly was just not old enough to care for a baby. However, I never once abandoned my baby or put my own needs before hers. I faked it! I also accepted help because I was are that I needed to do so for my child

With respect, you don't have a brain injury and sound like you have little clue about the effects it has.

op You daughters brain injury is probably making it difficult for her to cope with the baby as their needs/patterns are unpredictable. Many cope with BI using strict routines etc BI can make it incredibly difficult to adapt to changes, especially sudden ones. She may also be struggling to remember everything she needs to do for the baby, especially without a partner there to help or remind.

You say she only has the baby 1 day a week? Do you and the babies dad have him over night as well?

That's a horrid thing to say. Baby has a father and grandmother who love them and a mum who most likely loves them but needs support. Do you think the care system is a walk in the park for kids?

No it's a realistic thing to say.

Also adoption and the care system are very different options.

Bear in mind that the preferred adoption protocol now is open adoption where the child still has some contact (such as letterbox or even facilitated direct contact).

The most important factor here is the welfare and safeguarding of a child whose mother has checked out.

The fact she has a brain injury is significant but it doesn't top trump the welfare of her child, neither does the circumstances of the father.

It's clear the parents cannot cope. They might be able to in the future but that's not assured.

As stands the OP is the only person who is able to effectively parent this child within the family.

As per my pp she needs to lay out the stark choices to both parents and also consider her own position.

This child's needs are not well served by being kind to mum because of her health issues or understanding to dad because of his family/living situation.

The start point of any conversation is what is the best outcome the family can facilitate for this child and if it's not good enough then SS need to be engaged to provide foster care or alternatively adoption.

The same as PP have said- contact GP, HV and SS. They're there to help.

My lovely NDN presently has temporary custody of her three grandchildren. Her DD has had MH problems and a breakup from an abusive, coercive relationship. Her DD is not in a good way but is getting help. SS are working with the whole family to get things settled. Her DD will have custody again in the future, but it may take a long time. She's presently being rehoused, so that's positive.

NDN has a 4 yo, 3 yo and 13 yo. She's had to take time off work, but she has her DH to help and I'm helping when I can with kids pipping in and out (school hols here) as they've always known us really well. I'm just trying to take the pressure off for the odd hour as it's so hard for them all.

I really feel for you OP. But the authorities are there to help. Baby steps- don't make big decisions too quickly. Take care.

Get custody quickly. She may change her mind and take him away somewhere risky. For his safety, you need to be his main cater, with his dad doing as much as he can. Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life.

Why did she go back to work when he was 8 weeks? Was this to do with her not wanting to be around him or was it always the plan? It’s very early and rare for someone to go back that early in uk. Hope you don’t think I’m being nosy just trying to understand the situation abit more

@MbatataOwl

I am aware of brain injuries and their effects, I am a nurse and have worked in Neuro rehabilitation.

The Op has not specified the type of brain injury other than DD has a shorter temper since.

I am making the assumption that it is not solely down to a brain injury given she can work, live on her own and go on holidays. It sounds as though she is capable of at least a basic amount of normal daily living. I would imagine therefore, that she knows it’s abnormal to affectively abandon all responsibility towards your own baby.

It’s not the fact that she’s struggling I see a problem with, it’s the fact that’s she willing to continue with this dysfunctional life for a baby she gave birth to without accepting any help or advice.