Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Does the father earn enough to pay for nursery? Is he entitled to any benefits to help with costs? Has he put a Cms claim against your daughter yet?

That poor baby might be better off adopted if nobody can look after him

But dads Attitude is shocking. He should want to have custody. It's his baby. He needs to take on full custody and as PP's said, arrange childcare like other single parents do. Whether that is with the op or a nursery.

Sorry but has anyone else ever heard of a mother offering a grandparent 50/50 for their child when the dad fucked off?

Shes depressed. The end of her marriage has started this. Maybe sle blames the baby for the end of her marriage and she might be right. It’s not the baby’s fault of course. She probably has PND, and isn’t over her marriage breaking up. It sounds like she can’t function.

these days, everyone is supposed to be OK about their marriage breaking dow, to hit the ground running and be fabulous. But for many, it’s the worst time of their life. Add in a small baby and it’s too much.

Of course, I don’t know her. She might be selfish or lazy. She needs to see her GP urgently.

why do you think his attitude is shocking

Because he’s asking you to become 50-50 with him when he should be asking for your informal childcare help to continue the arrangement but with him as RP.

He shouldn’t make your responsible as an equal parent.

I can see how difficult this situation is for you but his dad needs to step in and assume parental responsibility. It's not enough for him to say his boss won't have it. He will need to adjust his life accordingly.

There's no reason why you can't continue to provide three days' childcare, which is more than a lot of DGPs can manage. So XSIL only needs to find one day's childcare, which he'll need to pay for like every other lone parent. DD will of course have to pay maintenance and move the child benefit to SXIL.

This is not your problem to fix, this is a child with two parents.

That all said, I do think your DD needs some sort of help/support. It does sound like some sort of depression, probably been brought on by the separation.

Can you afford to look after him?
Will the dad actually do 50/50 or will you end up a full time parent?
Have you enough energy to look after him as he grows older and is an energetic toddler? Then Primary school, then a teenager?
You would have to go into this expecting your daughter to never want him.
Will you put in firm boundaries with your daughter not to let her muck about with his stability. Eg Disney or flaky mum?
This is a long term decision. Have you the energy, good health and financial stability to cope?
Can you work your job around having him virtually full time. Dad sounds as if can’t do 50%.
A very hard decision you will have to think very hard about this and try not to let your heart rule your head or in a few years time you could resent your daughter and grandson.

You said she seemed to have bonded with the baby well before the separation, how old was DGS when they separated? I think it is post natal depression and I think that has been exasperated by the separation.

I know you say her ex is a great dad. And that's good. But he left, is that right? Obviously we don't know the ins and outs. But he does have responsibility towards his son to step up and be a full time dad.. and responsibility for the fact she is now alone and struggling.

I'd personally tell him that he should have full custody, but you'll still have DGS as much as you can and be heavily involved etc. But he does need the stability of a home really..

What a tough situation for you. I hope your DD gets help. Xx

Well, quite. I can just imagine the state of Gransnet if this was common.

Maybe she associates the dc with break up and really can’t cope. Possibly PND, but the df sounds like he needs to step up.
Going back to work after 8 weeks, is very early. Seems like a red herring. She goes to work to avoid being mum.

"I won't lie, I think the attitude of the child's father is shocking. He can't have him full time because he has to work? How does he think all of the other single parents in this world manage? He needs to step up and be a father."

THIS. Typical bloody man attitude. Tell him to go for primary parent and you will help him as much as you REASONABLY can.

More to the point, why your daughter has not bonded with her child needs to be looked into. PND is the obvious one - or some other form of depression perhaps.

Is your DD very young herself?

If he takes over as RP, and your DD keeps up access/visitation, then they can get back to 50-50 or another arrangement in time, when she’s well.

If you both cut her out - enable her to abandon her DC by enshrining this 50-50 dad/grandmother thing officially, there’s no way back.

I hope it’s panic talking from him.

OK lots to think about. Thanks for the input so far.

Ex is on a low wage. He has moved back in with his parents until he can afford to rent somewhere. He comes from a very dysfunctional family.
No support from his parents. They barely acknowledge their dgs.

Both young

Early 20's.

This is a tricky situation but in all honesty you are not the parent and there being 50/50 custody between a parent and grandparent because the parent doesn’t have childcare is just silly. The way both parents are trying to rope you into parenting your DGS doesn’t sit well with me at all. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He needs to, I think, be the full time parent and figure out childcare - quite frankly, women are left in this situation all the time and are left on their arses to manage alone but luckily for him, you’re there to offer some help. He can then also find a childminder. I don’t see the problem. I see absolutely no reason why you should be made 50 percent responsible, it’s ridiculous. He’s not your child.
Your DD sounds like she needs some serious support. As pp have said she may have PND. What does she do on the days when she doesn’t have DS and isn’t working?

Yes, I think it is the right thing right now for you to look after him more often while your daughter clearly has PND. It will pass in my view with patience and time. My aunt many years ago was very volatile had severe PND tried to kill herself and so my mum and my Nan took in my now adult cousin. Took about 9 months of therapy and then she looked after her own son. If she was originally excited to be pregnant then probably PND.

try in a very gentle way if you can to get her to the GP - sorry you are going through this.

OP, are you ready to be a parent again because this is effectively what the ex is asking you? Did you have things you wanted to do now your own children are presumably adults? Do you have a partner who would be affected by this?

And what would the arrangement be? Would you get maintenance from your daughter? Would you be adopting/ getting parental rights? How do you sort out buying clothes, paying for hobbies? Who gets to decide standards of behaviour, how much screen time? Are you going to be seen as an equal parent or as free childcare?

You’re being placed in a hideous, hideous situation here. There isn’t a right or a wrong answer, only what you yourself are prepared to do.

I would definitely contact her gp. I had to do this with a family member, I said to the GP ‘I know you can’t say anything, but I can tell you what I’m seeing’ as I knew they needed help. The GP arranged for them to come in for a blood test and it all came out then in the surgery.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and hope your daughter gets the help she needs and manages to turn this around.

Perhaps he needs to explore universal credit to top up his wage, he should also be entitled to help with housing and childcare if he is RP.

I need to get her to the GP, she's struggling massively when she has him.

Constantly saying she can't cope but seems to do well when she's partying every weekend.

Have you considered that your daughter may not have been in this situation if it was not for his actions? He left her and their child.

There are plenty of other single parents out there who need to work to support their children on their own and don't have family to fall back on who don't go running to someone else to expect them to have their child half of the time.

It’s far too early for a court order, she might just be suffering from delayed PND. You could always informally have the same arrangement discussed - 50/50 with ex. This may not be a permanent arrangement, she may feel better after a few months, she was doing well before the spilt

its urgent she sees her GP, she may need medication or counselling or to access other support they can provide. She has a lot of emotions to work though, loss and responsibility.

If hes on a low wage then he should be able to claim uc ..with childcare element etc as loads of other single parents do....your role should be supporting your dd to get the help she needs ..... you seem to be very judgemental about her rather than supportive.....

Depression is very common after acquired brain injury. The breakdown of the relationship and the stress of being a single parent will have increased this risk. Your DD needs support from her GP.

Has she been allowed to have too much time without responsibility for him?