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Original poster

Dd has rejected her Baby

517 replies

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:32

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 23:07

RockandRollsuicide · 20/07/2022 23:05

It's too much for such a young girl, I can totally understand her shock at what's a baby entails!

She's too young clearly..

I agree with previous poster, support her... help her and give her time..

At the same time think about all the other options if she doesn't come around ..

She’s a 20 something woman who chose to have a child. She is not a “young girl”.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/07/2022 23:08

Tragic, amazing his father will not have him full time. I had no choice as a single mum because there was nobody else it was just him and me - I was 21. Who would have had him if I didn't. So I had him 100%. His father should grow a spine and step up I had my son 100% and it didn't matter one bit what my boss thought, my DS always came first.
Men always think some woman is going to do it for them.

Badger1970 · 20/07/2022 23:08

Don't underestimate the effect that lack of sleep can have with an acquired brain injury.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SunflowerGardens · 20/07/2022 23:08

Aw OP I really feel for you. You love your DGS and want him to thrive and be happy and it doesn't sound like either of his parents are going to be able to look after him properly. Honestly id be inclined to keep him with you and help your daughter source mental health support before making any hasty decisions given that DGS is well settled. I know it's allowing the boys father to shirk responsibility but if the alternative is handing the baby over to a half hearted dad living in a chaotic home Sad

TullyApplebottom · 20/07/2022 23:09

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. All this and nursing, you must be utterly exhausted.
i would be inclined to reach out to local HV team in the first instance. This situation is retrievable but your DD needs the right support.

Constantcolds · 20/07/2022 23:10

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:52

I need to get her to the GP, she's struggling massively when she has him.

Constantly saying she can't cope but seems to do well when she's partying every weekend.

Partying can be a form of escapism. I know it doesn't fit with the stereotypical depression....but for me anyone who can't 'stop the party' - well it rings alarm bells for me. It can be an indication that something really isn't OK.

Could you ask your daughter to come stay with you? Maybe she'll cope better with her son, with your support, in her family home?

Ugzbugz · 20/07/2022 23:10

If this was the other way round and the woman left holding the baby she would have to just deal with it and put the baby in nursery etc.

Father needs to arrange this and you can help out of you wish.

DD probs having some kind of breakdown and needs help.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/07/2022 23:10

I had severe PND after having my first and I can remember saying exactly the same as your DD
His birth put horrendous strain on my marriage and my ex actually left for 2 months( did return)
Thanks to an excellent health visitor at the time, it was recognised and I was treated
Personally I feel it's inappropriate to share 50/50 Her exh has PR and should be Resident parent, with you taking care of dgs for a couple of days
It's a huge ask of you to do this
DD really does need to see a medical professional.
Could you start with baby Health visitor?
They can liase with childrens services if necessary

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/07/2022 23:13

Do you need to apply for a court order at this stage, or could you and ex keep having the baby for 3 days a week each, while you get her mental state assessed? it sounds like it could be PND, or to do with her brain injury, or both. If you Google there are a few charities for brain injury (eg Headway) and also for PND (eg Pandas) who might be able to help you advocate for urgent help as the relationship btwn your daughter and the baby is in danger of breaking down (I’m not saying it is, but a bit of that might help speed assessment up.)

It is possible that the injury means she really does need extra support if on her own , or it is possible that FT motherhood simply isn’t for her,

Dont torture yourself about whether you enabled it - it’s unlikely, people don’t usually struggle to bond with their babies just because they get a lot of help,

The one thing I would resist is formally taking custody of the baby. I’d suggest that either stays w your daughter and the ex, and things continue as they are, or he applies for sole custody and you help out and she continues to have meaningful contact.

I understand he needs help to look after the baby, but that doesn’t mean he needs to formally share custody with you. You are a grandmother not an mother. Formally taking on a parent’s role really is enabling a parent to dodge responsibility.

ThreeLittleDots · 20/07/2022 23:13

Why won't the father have his son full time (or near enough) and apply for financial maintenance from the baby's mother?

KindleBlanketsandmugoftea · 20/07/2022 23:13

I disagree with the majority of these comments. If she's out partying every weekend and working during the week then to me it's clear she just wants her life to remain as it was before her relationship, as a single 20 something. Sorry but she has a baby now and can't just opt out because she can't cope, she's never gonna cope if she doesn't have to do the bare minimum.

The dad is getting a lot of the blame here when he's not the one who's decided he doesn't want the child anymore.

ThreeLittleDots · 20/07/2022 23:15

can't just opt out

The daughter refuses to get help - her family can't force her to do anything. Parents regularly do opt out of their children's lives, but we're obviously more used to it being the Dad.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 20/07/2022 23:15

If this was a Mum saying her ExP had decided that he didn't want to be a Dad anymore, would you all be saying 'tough shit, suck it up, it's what all other single parents do' to the Mum?!

MbatataOwl · 20/07/2022 23:17

As she has a brain injury you need to know that if she does to the Gp and is offered antidepressants then they may make the behaviour worse as some can't be taken if you have a BI (don't rely on the gp to know, a lot are quite ignorant about BIs).

Emelene · 20/07/2022 23:18

Please encourage her to see her GP and ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health service. They usually see mums up to 1 year postpartum and I think they would be interested if there is a potential postnatal depression (triggered by the breakup it sounds like?) and she’s potentially going to give up her child.

All the best to you and your family.

Twindow · 20/07/2022 23:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 23:07

She’s a 20 something woman who chose to have a child. She is not a “young girl”.

Show quote history

With a brain injury, FGS. Which has changed her personality.

NumberTheory · 20/07/2022 23:21

This is so sad. Neither your DD nor her Ex seem to really understand what having responsibility for your DGS means. It’s not an excuse but I can sort of see the Ex’s position - in a sense it’s what so many single mothers should have the option to say, because full time care of a child on your own is a bloody hard row to hoe and it does make long term poverty far more likely. But that doesn’t mean he can push the responsibility for the child off on to you. He will need to do what all those single mothers do who get left by fathers who won’t or can’t pull their weight.

I would tell him no. That the child is his, you don’t have parental responsibility and didn’t help create the child, he does and he did. He needs to step up. But that you are okay with continuing to do the childcare (assuming this is true) and whatever other help you are happy to offer. You might also point him to support services for single parents who can help him work out if he is entitled to more government assistance if he has the child full time. He would, for example, be entitled to the CB and to CM from your DD. He may also be more likely to get social housing and as a full time carer, could be on benefits for a few years without needing to prove he was looking for work.

It does sound like your DD has some issues that need looking at that might mean she becomes more capable of being a mum in the future. So as well as being something you want to do for you, keeping a strong connection to DGS and her ex could mean you can help reconnect them in the future, which would be kind if she ends up wanting that. But it may be that she never recovers in that way or that it isn’t down to the brain injury and she is like many men who walk away from their children and never really regret it. So make sure you are happy to give what you give for you.

JudgeJ · 20/07/2022 23:21

SeaToSki · 20/07/2022 22:39

Sounds like the father should have his son 100% of the time and maybe you can help with childcare 3 days and he can pay for childcare the other 2 days that he is working (like most other people do). Why would you have your dgs 50% of the time when he is not at work…or have I misunderstood something?

If he has his son100% then presumably the mother will be expected to work to pay maintenence for her child or will she find excuse after excuse to continue to neglect him? Amazing on this sight how much support poor mothers get, no matter what they do, people are always looking to make excuses for her.

MissMaple82 · 20/07/2022 23:22

How about getting her help instead of planning to take her child away from her. Talk to her about seeing a GP and also suggest contacting homestart, they have volunteers who will support her for as long as she needs visiting every week.

Summerfun54321 · 20/07/2022 23:22

Everyone has their breaking point when it comes to mental health. It could well be she’s having MH issues with a recent brain injury and the breakdown of her relationship whilst having a new baby. She may well also be in denial if she hasn’t experienced a similar level of stress and knows the signs to look for. Your DD is your priority, there’s no benefit to you or her to make the father’s life easier. Maybe if the father sorted his own childcare, you and your DD could look after your DGS together 1 day a week or more. My DM did this for me and the company and support when I was struggling really helped.

LoReNewYork · 20/07/2022 23:22

As Mbatata mentioned, and I touched on upthread, your DD's brain injury could be a significant part of this. Does she have ongoing support for this? Have you accessed support as a family?

This is very hard for you all.

LocalHobo · 20/07/2022 23:23

I think the Father is sure to feel overwhelmed at his young age with the idea of FT parenthood. He probably sees you, coping brilliantly with your DGS and this makes him feel even more inadequate, particularly with no family support on his side.
He will cope, and will be able to make necessary lifestyle changes to enable this. He needs support to do this, perhaps Gingerbread or some other group can offer a support worker.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2022 23:24

I'm going to disagree with some posters saying how amazing you are OP

I appreciate you are taking care of DGS a lot & care deeply for him.

However, bizarrely, you seem judgmental & disinterested in your own DD. Her behaviour is not typical, nor in line with her initial response to her baby, before her marriage broke down.

Her ABI is really relevant. She needs appropriate support to care for her DC. While she is not currently being a suitable parent, I cannot believe the cheek of her ex to go around her to you, regarding custody.

You need to support your DD, by really setting out the facts for her, and supporting her to get help.

I agree that the ex may need to get full custody for a period, and would ideally offer support to your DD, in terms of ensuring she increases her custody of DGS in time.

NoToLandfill · 20/07/2022 23:25

Why can't the dad take care of his child himself? And pay for childcare. Like every other single parent has to do.

LoReNewYork · 20/07/2022 23:26

Amazing on this sight how much support poor mothers get, no matter what they do, people are always looking to make excuses for her

The DD sustained a life-changing brain injury a few years ago. That's likely to be of profound significance - not 'an excuse.'

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