Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Totally agree with this.

How awful for you all, and him.

I hope you can encourage her to get help. As a new mum, she will be prioritised for therapy.

I would agree. PND definitely a possibility. I would suggest counselling and seeing her GP as a matter of urgency.

The fact your daughter has had a head injury may be directly linked to this. Caring for a bay is exhausting at the best of times, but may genuinely be harder for her (as I think you recognise). PND is also a possibility. Keep trying to get her to see the GP.

Meeting dad to discuss the situation is a good idea, but don't rush into any agreement. Yes. dad should step up and I would remind him of this, but decide for yourself if you want to take on a more formal parenting role for your grandchild.

You are in a difficult situation and I don't think it is as clear cut as some other posters.

Dad needs to step up and look after his son! Lots of single parents are on a low wage and they manage.

Let your grandson stay with his dad, and help your DD get well. Sounds like she's really struggling. She needs support to get better and build her bond with her baby.

Spanishsummers that's what I meant when I asked if I've enabled this?
Have I been too supportive? Have I made it too easy for her?

Thanks for all advice so far.

I'm on a night shift and need to head back. Will jump back on later if I get another break.

OP. This is incredibly sad. Can I ask about the brain injury? How old was your DD when she sustained this? Has she had ongoing head injury support?

I think babies dad is clutching at straws, it’s a lot to become a single parent for anybody and he’s probably just trying to find a workable solution and overwhelmed.

That said, if he doesn’t earn enough he would be entitled to help with childcare so baby could continue 2-3 days with you, 1-2 days in childcare and dad has baby the 3 days plus evenings.

i think for you DGS sake it is probably best that mum has minimal responsibility at the moment. She absolutely needs some mental health support too.

It doesn't sound easy for her. Her husband has walked out, she's clearly struggling mentally.

You sound like a lovely mum. But there's no such thing as "too much support".

Agree with PPs though to refocus that support not on long-term plans atm but on getting her the help she needs to recover.

Sounds very much PND

You need to involve SSD because you have to have some multi agency involvement, both legally and from a medical perspective but also to address any safeguarding risks

If your daughter is being rejecting of the baby and not coping you may have to think the unthinkable about whether she might unintentionally harm the baby while he's in her care.

She can recover from this, and will very much want her baby when she does I suspect. Its not that relinquished babies never happen but its rare.

Have you spoken to the health visitor? If she won’t speak to the gp. It sounds like post natal depression. If they have separated maybe it has become harder and she can’t cope. Really it’s down to her husband to step up and help. Have you considered a childminder?

Contact Childrens Services for advice and support. Or even better get the ex or your DD to do it. It’s a difficult situation, especially with your DD brain injury adding to the complications. She sounds very unhappy, you need to get professionals involved whether that be Childrens Services or GP.

I agree with all other posters. The father needs to take full custody and work out single parenting like the rest of us women do. He needs to look into benefits and childcare vouchers. Tell him to look at gingerbread for some advice. You can be a helpful grandparent of course but this is his child and his responsibility.

I felt like this after I had my DS 10 years ago.. I didn't not want my ds but I was so depressed and my relationship with his Dad was ending. I couldn't bond with my son. Please try and talk with your daughter and find out exactly what is going through her head. I was suicidal and needed help but my family brushed it off. My GP saved my life
Did you not find parenting hard at any stage?

I also agree it sounds like depression or postnatal depression with your daughter.

@dalmatianmad what an awful situation 🥺
I feel for the baby in all of this he's only 9 months and that is a lovely age when he's learning to crawl and interact etc but at the same time I know it can become challenging aswell. You DD is so young and after splitting with her partner she must just feel like partying it off?
Sounds like some PND may be involved aswell?
You seem like a lovely loving grandmother. Please liase with the ex to try and make it work between you for the time being. I'm hoping your DD will come around eventually but she needs help.. NOW!

Hope things work out for you and your DHS 🙏🏻 xxx

Has he had a benefit check because as a single parent he should be entitled to a fair bit of help. How does your dd feel about paying maintenance because she absolutely will need to. She can't just absolve all parenting responsibilities. She has more support than any single parent I have ever known and is in a good position. If she has post natal depression though she will not recognise this and at some point she will come out of the fog and may regret any permanent choices she makes now

. You need to sit down with her and tell her in black and white what any permanent choice means. Take her to the GP yourself if you can and urge her to talk to them. It may be that after professional support she changes her mind.

DGS**

No I disagree. The dad should apply to be resident parent, 100 percent. Not you. He can put them in wrap around care, in order to work. Many single parents have to do this. You can continue to help out. Your daughter should pay him maintence. Not sure why he is asking you to be the other parent?! There's no need. Sounds like he only wants to be a part time parent, which isn't good enough.

I feel so sorry for your daughter.

it sounds like she’s struggling massively and crying out for help.

Your posts about her sound very judgmental.

It sounds like she's struggled a lot with the breakdown of the relationship and the baby feels like a painful reminder right now. Definitely echo the advice to see her GP. Does she go to any young Mum groups? Potentially she may be able to build an extra support network that way if her existing friendship group is still at the going out and partying stage.

I can't really add anything to what PP have said, but you sound like a fantastic mum, OP. I hope you are all able to resolve things, as it sounds like you are a wonderful GM too.

This ^^ You can help informally as much as you want to/are able to, but don't apply for joint custody, you're not legally responsible for your Dgs.

It's too much for such a young girl, I can totally understand her shock at what's a baby entails!

She's too young clearly..

I agree with previous poster, support her... help her and give her time..

At the same time think about all the other options if she doesn't come around ..

I feel like if this was a man who was out partying, people would be slagging him off. Here though, somehow the man is still getting the blame. Maybe I’m missing something though?