Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dd has rejected her Baby

517 replies

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:32

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 22/07/2022 18:48

She could have left because she didn't like her life and then found out it wasn't him it was the baby. Even people with head injuries can make decisions about their life, even people with mental health issues. They might not be good decisions, they might not be the decision you think they should make but if they have capacity they can make them. So she could have been in her right mind, he could have been lovely and she could still decide to end it.

We have no idea why the relationship ended or who ended it. Making things up so you can blame him is more than a little weird.

SoupDragon · 22/07/2022 19:09

mathanxiety · 22/07/2022 16:21

A man who leaves a woman right after she's given birth has dumped her. What could possibly matter more to a man than being there at that time?

Even if the relationship became so unbearable to him that leaving was the only option, sticking around at a time when the mother of his child truly needed him would have been the right thing to do. Leaving a woman who has just recently brought your own baby into the world is brutal and incredibly selfish.

If she kicked him out because his behaviour was so awful that she couldn't stand him being around any more, then shame on him too.

If she kicked him out because she was not in her right mind post partum, then why not get help for her?

It doesn't say he was the one who did the dumping anywhere. It's just something you've made up to fit some kind of sexist agenda.

If she kicked him out because she was not in her right mind post partum, then why not get help for her?

the OP clearly states that she has refused help.

SoupDragon · 22/07/2022 19:10

What about if she kicked him out because she is volatile?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Carlycat · 24/07/2022 13:18

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 21/07/2022 09:20

I'd sit them both down and tell them I'm not being the main childcare of the baby, and if they cannot make this work, they should give up the baby and put him into foster care then for adoption. Maybe it will give them both the kick up the backside they clearly need. Being a parent is fucking hard, they knew that beforehand, they can't back out now just because they've split up or make you do it. They need to grow up and work on it, get support, learn how to be parents and stop pretending they are free to go partying. They aren't, they wanted the baby, they have to step up.

This 100%

Carlycat · 24/07/2022 13:27

Comedycook · 21/07/2022 11:34

Honestly she sounds like a madam. What would she do if you weren't around and she was a single mum? Put him in care? Of course she wouldn't. She's get on with it. Your helpfulness is enabling her.

This ☝️

weetee0102 · 25/07/2022 10:28

Its a really difficult situation all round ❤️

ThomasinaGallico · 25/07/2022 10:54

Just saying…the OP hasn’t been back or updated for several days now so this thread might outlive its usefulness fairly soon…

Endlesslypatient82 · 21/08/2022 09:10

Op, any update?

Mothership4two · 23/08/2022 00:28

How's it going @dalmatianmad ?

DiscoBadgers · 23/08/2022 07:01

The fact she’s had a TBI in recent years is a really important bit of info OP. Nearly 2 thirds of TBI victims suffer from depression within 5 years of injury and the birth of DS and relationship breakdown is clearly the trigger.

She needs medical intervention - does she have any long term rehab or OT for her head injury? If not can you call the HV or GP?

AnotherAnxiousMess · 23/08/2022 08:38

As someone who had PND, this sounds exactly what she's going through right now and is it hardly surprising with what she's been through? She needs support right now, obviously get her to a GP and go with her, don't take no for an answer. But also maybe look for some counselling too and get in touch with her HV. Rather than you taking care of DGS alone, can you all spend time together, go to a baby class or something? She needs to rebond with her son, but probably just needs a handhold through it all. And when she comes to you telling you and her ex that she's struggling and can't do it anymore, you reassure her that she can! You don't take custody from her. Honestly, feel so sorry for her.

Hulahoops78 · 23/08/2022 10:00

Sounds like DD has PND and needs some help and support. I think a court order would be a bit of a knee jerk reaction at the moment. To be honest, I felt exactly the same way after DD was born - I massively struggled with it all. I was later diagnosed with PND when I could admit that to myself.

Is DD moving in with you temporarily a short term option - not saying for you to do all of the childcare, but for her to then gradually build things up over a period of time?

Justanotherlittlename · 06/10/2022 13:58

Hope baby is ok @dalmatianmad x

Derbee · 30/01/2023 15:21

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:42

Lunadreamer why do you think his attitude is shocking? He's admitted he needs to work in order to provide for him. He's never claimed benefits in his life. He has no family to support him.

I've suggested she has PND. She doesn't want to engage with the GP.

She was excited to be pregnant. Ds seemed very much wanted.

Because men can never do anything right on bloody Mumsnet. He sounds like a caring and involved parent, who is trying to do his best with a useless, absent co parent.

A woman in his position would get sympathy here. Your little grandson is lucky to have a dad and a granny that care, whilst his mum is failing.

I hope you can find her some help.

DatasCat · 30/01/2023 15:33

Zombie thread alert.

JudgeJ · 30/01/2023 15:35

SeaToSki · 20/07/2022 22:39

Sounds like the father should have his son 100% of the time and maybe you can help with childcare 3 days and he can pay for childcare the other 2 days that he is working (like most other people do). Why would you have your dgs 50% of the time when he is not at work…or have I misunderstood something?

He certainly needs to have his son 100% of the time and sort out child care, maybe with your help, if only to protect the baby from your daughter. In the future, however your daughter progresses. he should always have 100% custody as she clearly can't be trusted.

Scalottia · 30/01/2023 16:52

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 22:37

I would contact Social Services.

I won't lie, I think the attitude of the child's father is shocking. He can't have him full time because he has to work? How does he think all of the other single parents in this world manage? He needs to step up and be a father.

I agree, but the mother also needs to step up and be a mother! Both parents are responsible in this situation. You don't get to have a baby and suddenly decide that you don't want to be a parent anymore.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page