Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

look this is simple, despite all the added on “is it this or that”.
The DD in this scenario very much wanted her baby and bonded.
The father left.
No-one asked why.
DD’s own mother defends him and her own inconvenience over her daughter.
PND/PND plus brain injury- the Op is full of caring comments for the father (he HAD to move in with his dysfunctional family) - her own fucking daughter is being ridiculed by her for going on holiday (presuming she didn’t just disappear and agreed childcare arrangements) and does care for her child but is struggling because her partner left her .. and oh yes, has a brain injury to boot.
I have a parent like you OP - it’s always about you and how great the menz are. Did he fuck off to his dysfunctional family because he couldn’t cope?
If he can’t care for his own child financially and alone what the fuck makes you think your daughter can? Or should? Because he came out of her?
He can do what single mothers do day in and day out.
And what’s with the snarky comments about her having sex on holiday - that’s how you choose to discuss your own child on an Internet forum..?
Its no wonder she can’t cope

I felt like this when ds was born, I had a horrific birth with him & never bonded, if someone had said they could take him away I would have said yes please & run. It took until he was 6 before I felt like a mum. Why did your dd go back to work 8 weeks after having him? Maybe she hasn't allowed herself to process properly the fact she has a child that relies on her.

Your dd needs help. She sounds extremely vulnerable & in need of urgent support.

This is so sad your daughter is in a bad place and I would assume it’s from the breakdown of her relationship. She didn’t sign up to be a single mum, she’s got to come to terms with this. I would get call the doctor though about concerns she may have PND and they may send out the community nurse or something.
Really hope everything works out for you all x

I am making the assumption that it is not solely down to a brain injury given she can work, live on her own and go on holidays. It sounds as though she is capable of at least a basic amount of normal daily living. I would imagine therefore, that she knows it’s abnormal to affectively abandon all responsibility towards your own baby.

Living on her own and going to work is incredibly different to doing that and having a baby and a broken relationship in the mix when you have a BI. If the BI has had an effect on temper then you know that it was not mild.
Of course her behaviour might not be solely be down to BI but it's ridiculous to compare yourself as a none BI young parent to a BI parent.

I am aware of brain injuries and their effects, I am a nurse and have worked in Neuro rehabilitation.

I'll pray for your patients.

From reading your posts OP, you sound like you don't really like your DD very much right now but her exDH is the golden boy.

Agree with PPs that your DD needs extra support and is very likely suffering from PND.

@Blue4YOU

So just absolve her daughter?

Maybe the child’s father is more compliment worthy at the moment? Maybe OPs daughter is just selfish, How would you even know?

The only people showing any amount of responsibility in this situation is the father and OP.

Id be pretty pissed off too if my daughter was off on holiday having sex with somebody she just met instead of at home trying to sort her and her child’s life out whilst I took sole responsibility and she continued to decline MH input.

So many rose tinted views.

Reality is social services only priority will be what is best for the baby. OP needs to decide whether she is going to be able to step up and take significant responsibility for her grandson or sit back and wait for social services to potentially get involved.

I'm quoting you because this deserves saying twice.

OP your perspective, loyalty and judgement are all out of whack.

Why is he any worse than the mother?

No point assigning blame now. Focus needs to be on steps moving forward.

@Lunadreamer

You need to let every service possible know- GP, HV, SS.

They will support her in getting MH help as well as parent him.

Particularly with the history of brain injury and the relationship breakdown there are lots of factors at play indicating a deterioration on her MH.

@Blue4YOU projecting much? The OP works full time as a nurse and still takes take of her DDs child 3 days a week while she can barely manage 1. The child’s father is looking after him 3 days a week which is more than she’s doing.

She’s managed to go away on holiday by herself and had a great time while someone else is picking up the childcare and also goes to work while not contributing to childcare either.

Brain injury or not, she is managing to live independently, work and decided to have the child, she can’t just abandon him because her relationship broke up!

OP, your DD must have a Health Visitor? Can you explain the situation to them and ask for support? They should be able to signpost you. An SS referral for support around the family may well be beneficial in the interim. May be too late for a mother & baby unit even if your DD would go. The child’s best interests, if your DD is struggling looking after him 1 day a week (and yours for your own health), have to come before your DD’s at this stage.

We don’t actually know she needs help for mental health. As I said above- she could equally just be opting out as she is young and single and doesn’t want tied down with a baby.
Not everyone who isn’t embracing motherhood is depressed.

@MbatataOwl

Oh goodness, thanks ever so much. I’ll let them all know you’re doing so.

..skulks off, and cogitates the entirety of my whole career (and the ‘made a difference’ awards won-twice in case you wanted to know), because somebody on the internet told me so.

There may not be such a thing as too much support but it might be the wrong kind of support. It sounds like baby is only ever with one of you at a time. Maybe DD could get on better with baby if she had another adult around for a while when she has baby with her?

As far as I can tell, she was fine with the baby before her husband left? So I think she might feel incapable and insecure on her own. If you, he, or another family member could spend time with both mum and baby at the same time she might feel reassured in her own abilities. It would be important not to just take over though and not just let DD sit at the sidelines. DD is looking after baby, the other adult is just reassurance that she's not completely alone and to help her rebuild her confidence with baby.

As for her partying and holidaying... I'm pretty sure she's rock bottom. She's lost her husband and she feels incapable of looking after her own baby. What else has she to lose? Why not become entirely the awful person she feels she is becoming and that she is probably sure the whole world will see her as? I don't think her actions are the actions of someone who knows she is loved and needed. They are the actions of someone who believes nobody wants or needs them.

@dalmatianmad

What investigation and treatment did she receive afer the brain injury a few years ago?

skulks off, and cogitates the entirety of my whole career (and the ‘made a difference’ awards won-twice in case you wanted to know), because somebody on the internet told me so

I believe as much as I believe the midnight misogynist is not a misogynist does anyone remember him?

I think you are a wonderful caring person, and i fear that might be your undoing.

I strongly suspect that your DD was enchanted by DGS until the novelty wore off and the reality set in, and now she is taking you all for a ride..I mean yes it is difficult taking care of a baby and working, but you and her ex are having to manage it. I think that whilst her BI might have changed her personality , she still manages to cope in every other sphere of her life.She also knows full well you can't bring a baby into the world and then just send it away again

I worked with some one in a very smlilar situation to you, and she adopted her feckless daughters baby. Very soon the dd met another fellow was pregnant again, and i think now she's had a third, the second and third have been put up for adoption. My friend's heart is broken.

Ask yourself where is all this going to end if you keep clearing up your DDs messes

The DD in this scenario very much wanted her baby and bonded.
The father left.
No-one asked why.
^DD’s own mother defends him and her own inconvenience over her daughter.
PND/PND plus brain injury- the Op is full of caring comments for the father (he HAD to move in with his dysfunctional family) - her own fucking daughter is being ridiculed by her for going on holiday (presuming she didn’t just disappear and agreed childcare arrangements) and does care for her child but is struggling because her partner left her .. and oh yes, has a brain injury to boot.^

THIS ^^

What caused the ex to leave shortly after the baby was born (and what sort of man does this to the mother of his baby)?

A brain injury is a life changing event.

I'm sorry this must be so hard.

I think your d needs to see a GP in case it is post natal depression.

His attitude is shocking because he is the child's parent. It's his job to sort it out. Not say 'oh, my boss won't let me' and cop out. What would he do if you didn't exist?

When my ex checked out of my ds's life, I didn't faff around hoping a relative would take him off my hands, I changed my job to better working hours, found a childminder close to work and took some remote work in the evenings to pay the bills.

Just like every other single parent does.

It sounds like everyone involved here is really struggling and is in need of some compassion and help...

Your DD, in her early 20s, with a brain injury, quite possibly with PND, and without a relationship which sounds to have been quite supportive for her.

Her ex (baby's dad), in his early 20s, probably with a lot of growing up still to do, trying to keep employed in a difficult financial climate, while adjusting to parenthood after the end of a relationship.

You, trying to support everyone while also keeping your own work etc going.

And your grandson, who's stuck in the middle of this situation and will desperately need some stability and love.

It may be that your daughter genuinely cannot cope. Brain injuries can have lasting effects which can be masked or be less evident until something comes along to expose them. Being a parent requires a lot of work by a brain... Balancing schedules for feeding / sleeping / changing nappies, keeping the environment safe, making sure there's enough nappies / clean clothes / formula / etc - that's a lot of executive functioning and switching between tasks. Then there's detecting, interpreting and responding to a baby's cues for hunger / distress / tiredness / interactions. Then there's coping with the fatigue, compressed opportunities for self-care (like having a shower or something to eat)... Brain injuries can also increase the risk of depression, anxiety, emotional lability, etc.

It sounds like your grandson's dad is trying, so I don't think it's right for people to be too hard on him. Being a single parent is hard, especially a young single parent, and especially if his own family isn't very supportive. If he's trying to hold down a job, earn money to move out from his parents', and be primary caregiver for almost half the week while maintaining positive relations with his ex-partner's family, he's already doing quite a bit more than a lot of young men would be doing in his situation. Could he do more? Well, yes, but that doesn't mean he isn't trying. With some additional support (eg peer support), he might feel more able to do more.

I think it's important to get all of you some support. Health visitors, GPs and social work should have access to relevant resources, including specialist services and third sector organisations. If your daughter isn't already, she might benefit from some contact with a brain injury charity as well as NHS community brain injury services. Your grandson's dad might benefit from getting to know other young dads through parent and baby groups, for example, where he can learn more about juggling the competing demands and make some friends who can support him and encourage him.

If, despite everyone's best efforts, your daughter still cannot cope with being responsible for her child, then you and your grandson's dad may need to consider how to find a solution that provides safety and stability for your grandson. How do you feel about his suggestion of shared custody? Would you prefer for him to be the resident parent while you provide childcare? Would you prefer something else? If the situation gets to this stage, you might need to seek legal advice about your options. I don't think there's a 'right answer' here, just what works for you all.