Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

No it’s not; if you read ive stated other possible scenarios, but the overwhelming majority of these cases are due to undiagnosed/untreated PND and these often result in suicide.

The brain injury is also being forgotten here. Have you ever met anyone with a brain injury? Seen what they do to a person? How they worsen over time? During times of high stress? (New baby, husband leaves?) I’m guessing no.

@YellowPlumbob sorry I don't know if you are responding to me or the other poster.

I agree it's possible that's what's happened. I also agree that the poor DD is in serious MH crisis without the added complication of the brain injury and that it is a very dangerous time for her. She needs urgent care.

I just don't think we can definitively state that the father left her. It's just as possible given the information the OP has provided that the DD may have ended the relationship.

It could be that he's just a bit of a numpty, as a lot of young people are. I was an idiot in my 20s. If so he'll learn and have his corners knocked off. If he's a horrible person that's a real shame for the DD (no sarcasm, I hate abusive and callous men tripping through life leaving a trail of destruction in their wake), but hopefully he'll be a decent father? Or maybe given the right support the mum will manage to get back on her feet and stable again and eventually be able to regain residency of the DC?

I think personally I'd probably put the odds as more likely that the father did leave which does put a slightly different and unpleasant slant on how I'd view him but I just don't don't think there's enough info to say for sure yet so I'm trying to remain a bit objective about things.

Either way he still needs to take on the majority of responsibility for his son now and for the sake of the baby he'll need the same support that any single parent doing that would get, whether he was a bad partner or not. A GP who is willing to help is an absolute bonus but there are government resources like UC top ups and the housing situation etc that he should be looking into.

I have no answers, @dalmatianmad but do you think you and the baby’s df might have a meeting with your dd’s gp?
My thinking being, sometimes a 3rd party can see more clearly than 2 people so heavily & emotionally involved.
Her gp might also have suggestions that the 2 of you haven’t yet thought of.
In any case, I wish you the best.

Are you saying that a baby should be left in a dangerous and damaging situation because acknowledging that it's damaging might be hurtful to the baby's mother?

And we do have long-term studies on this - having a severely depressed mother has effects on the child that last throughout childhood and beyond: www.ox.ac.uk/news/2018-02-02-persistent-severe-postnatal-depression-impacts-children%E2%80%99s-development#:~:text=Postnatal%20depression%20which%20persists%20beyond,at%2018%20years%20of%20age.www.ox.ac.uk/news/2018-02-02-persistent-severe-postnatal-depression-impacts-children%E2%80%99s-development#:~:text=Postnatal%20depression%20which%20persists%20beyond,at%2018%20years%20of%20age. Which highlights how beneficial to everyone it is if such women get effective treatment, but also shows that the impact on the baby of all this isn't some sideshow.

Tell me then. Brain Injury. I get that it causes personality change. Does it stop someone completely caring about their child because a relationship broke down? Does it mean they can still plan and go on holiday for a week and not even ask about their baby? Because if it does, doesn’t that mean the baby’s safety comes first and foremost?

No but PND can and does have similar effects. MH crisis can also present similarly.

Relationship breakdowns can be incredibly traumatic in some cases.

You seem to be minimising a lot of what is going on for this poor young woman and it feels quite aggressive, like she should be vilified for going through something awful and not normal. Like she just chose to drop responsibility because of a why the fuck not attitude rather than she is going through a breakdown?

Sheesh some of these comments and wild speculation that people are writing up their own narratives and spinning into a 3 book series.

if I wasn’t on mumsnet I would have thought I stumbled onto female dating stratergy or other femcel forums

PND can happen for up to a year after baby is born. Please encourage her to talk to the health visitor - she needs help not her own mum and ex conspiring against her for custody. She. Needs. Help. And she along with your darling grandson will later on very much appreciate your help in getting her help. Neither might appreciate you just taking the child from her with the help of her ex. I'd never ever forgive my mum and ex for that and doubt my children would either.

She. Needs. Help.

This! I totally agree with this.

Please OP stop admiring the man who won't step up for his son like most mothers have to do and would do given the choice.

Start being in your daughters camp at all times and not her ex's. She needs help. Support her not talk with her ex behind her back.

I feel so bad for your daughter and wish I could give her a hug but maybe that's your job. Don't try and take baby away. Try and get her help to increase the bond. I'm really baffled by any sort of support you're getting OP I would be heartbroken to learn of my mum treating me this way.

He has the baby when it's convenient for him, interfering with the bonding between mother and child, stressing the mother because it's instinctive to worry about your baby when she's not with you.

Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't.

@BadLad

There's no really good comeback after you've left a mother with your newborn baby; at the very time when she needs you the most so that she can be the best mother she can be you dump her. This taints everything she has just gone through and taints the relationship with the baby too.

What could possibly have been so wrong in the relationship that he couldn't stay and support her?

No it’s not; if you read ive stated other possible scenarios, but the overwhelming majority of these cases are due to undiagnosed/untreated PND and these often result in suicide.

The brain injury is also being forgotten here. Have you ever met anyone with a brain injury? Seen what they do to a person? How they worsen over time? During times of high stress? (New baby, husband leaves?) I’m guessing no.

YYY to all of that @YellowPlumbob

I can’t believe some of the vitriol on this thread. It doesn’t even seem like the OP is still reading so it’s a bit pointless. The person who has given up on her child is the mother, not the father. Whatever the reasons for that are, the fact is that the babies mother doesn’t appear to care at all about her own baby. Stop attacking the father who appears to be struggling to find solutions despite having little support apart from the OP. Have some compassion for everyone in this situation. It’s awful, but the real loser is the poor child.

Well said.

Yes.

also, the poster has known her daughter a very long time and is better placed than anyone here to know what is most likely causing her to feel and behave the way she is.

Well this has turned nasty to OP. Did you bother reading the bit where she says she wants no negative comments or judgement as she needs advice?

She's clearly struggling. It must have been very difficult to watch her daughter change as a result of brain injury. She must be desperately worried about her daughter and her dgs. She's in a horrible situation.

If you want to support a baby you support the people caring for that child. In this case OP and the father. That is pretty much the essence of all family support work.

There are people on here who seem to think that the best approach when someone reaches out in desperation for supporet is to vilify them and tell them they are shit. So that even the support they have sought out they turn away from to escape the barrage of hatred.

Well done. Hope you got the entertainment value you were seeking.

If I was neglecting my child or if I was that child I would find it pretty hard to forgive the people around me who just sat on their hands a let things carry on until they hit a crisis. Yes she needs help and I really hope she gets it, but you cannot force help on someone who is so deep in denial they are just willing to carry on like the problem is not there and is everyone else’s problem to fix. I know this from bitter experience.

Yes. And it’s a situation I’m also in where I can’t get custody of two of my grandchildren due to my age and all I can do is help them live in less than ideal situations whilst staying on the best terms possible with their parents who are divorced. I just refuse to get involved in all of their in’s and outs and dramas now (nothing like head injuries and PND, just selfishness) and my focus is firmly on the children.

I just want it to be said that a lot of pp are talking about how the father shouldn't be having any issues with his employer, we all know how hard it is for single mothers, I am one. However it's an unusual situation for the father to be the sole carer of such a young child, and misogyny is alive and kicking as we all know so I'm not at all surprised at the idea this young man may come up against it in his place of work.

It sounds like he is doing his best, and in any other co parenting relationship, 50/50 would be usual. I can see why his employer may expect to only support that, even if it isn't right.

OP, I would avoid any legal responsibility, have the father take 100% and allow him to apply for any benefits he can including CM.

I would then continue with your offer of 3 days a week childcare if this is something you can manage.

After this, you need to try and have your daughter seen by a GP, she clearly needs some support, and hope she cokes out the other side.

Where does it say he dumped her?

This baby being fucked up is something the mother is trying to control, she is telling us she can't be his mother and maybe you should stop shaming women so that they have to carry on in a situation they want to end.

It doesn't say he dumped her but he has to have the blame and if that means making things up so be it.

A man who leaves a woman right after she's given birth has dumped her. What could possibly matter more to a man than being there at that time?

Even if the relationship became so unbearable to him that leaving was the only option, sticking around at a time when the mother of his child truly needed him would have been the right thing to do. Leaving a woman who has just recently brought your own baby into the world is brutal and incredibly selfish.

If she kicked him out because his behaviour was so awful that she couldn't stand him being around any more, then shame on him too.

If she kicked him out because she was not in her right mind post partum, then why not get help for her?