Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

Set the ps5 up in his room?

I'd put the ps5 in his bedroom as a short term help while you push for help.
Sometimes you need to do things that go against every instinct you have.
There are several things I have had to do or change to de-escalate situations and meet the needs of my very volatile and potentially violent 21 year old with autism and ADHD.

You have to think ok what is the immediate problem. How can I solve this in the short term or if not solve, at least bring things down a bit and have some calm. Then you work on next steps, accessing support etc.

I wish it was as simple as putting his ps5 in his bedroom. We are way beyond that. He will become aggressive possibly violence smash things up . Shout very aggressively to the point my kids are petrified.

How old is he?

Hes 15. 6ft 3. Much bigger and stronger than me.

Would wearing noise cancelling headphones help? Although there are definitely other bigger things to deal with and what is his age

Tell him to remove the PlayStation from the living room. Call the police if he gets violent. I know it's not ideal but this will have a huge negative impact on your younger children. You and they can't live like that.

That really isn’t fair on your other children. You need to stick up for them as they’re too young to do it themselves. If he wants peace & quiet he needs to play the PS5 in his room. I wouldn’t tolerate him shouting or being aggressive to his siblings.

No because he wants to have the ps5 on and his music on so he's listening to both. There is no simple solution because nothing is logical with him. I really don't care that he's playing the ps5 in the living room it's the crap that comes with it and stops the younger kids doing general kid stuff in their own home.

It's not just about the playstation. He's pretty controlling generally and thinks everything is about him and everything should work around him. This does kind of work because we are scared of him.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room

BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids

This isn't mental health issues, this is him bullying small children because that's what he wants to do.

You need to put your young children before him. Allowing them to be frightened and on eggshells in their own home is going to cause them MH issues and no doubt they will blame you. They're only very young, they have no say in living with him.

Call the police if he's violent. Put him in care. CAMHS is not going to solve this.

I did call the police a while back. They took over 6 hours to arrive . They told him lay of your mum she's trying her best.

I'd remove the ps5 completely.

If he's not going to school, what does he do all day? How can he get in to college with no GCSEs?

Can you negotiate timings? Eg he gets time in the living room when the little kids are in bed for 2hrs. But otherwise either he goes in his room or he gets noise cancelling headphones OR you lock away the router.

Social services gave been involved. He tried to get himself put into care. Social services have said there's no safe guarding issues . Basically he's a child so they don't seem to care how its effecting my other children.

Last time I called the police they took 6 hours to arrive. My kids were sobbing. It was awful.

Ok. So he's purposefully choosing to do this in order to create conflict.

What if you and the other kids relocated upstairs? Played upstairs or outside and left the living room empty?

If he's looking for reasons to bully you then it may be you have to remove yourselves.

I know that's really easy to say and feels bloody impossible to do. It would need a lot of thinking about.

Have you looked into positive behaviour support? It is the only thing that has made a difference in my son's behaviour. This is a man who has been repeatedly violent, threatening and very very challenging.

I'm not claiming to be an expert, I'm just a bog standard mum who's been fighting this shit for 23 years (my elder son is also autistic).

He can do gcse at college. He does nothing

I don't think my situation is being understood I think I probably worded it really badly.

And I know autism is not the same as mental health problems. He also suffers with his mental health and is also on antidepressants and antipsychotics and has a regular prescription for diazapam.

I don't want you to think I don't understand how challenging it is.

I'm really sorry this is going on. I think you need to talk to social services and say that you can no longer look after him. You really do have to look after your other two children. Let's face it, he isn't going to suddenly change. Their childhood will be affected so badly by his behaviour and before you know it they will be copying him. He is 15 now and he knows what he's doing. He has threatened you with social services before and now it's time to take him up on it.

On a practical side of things. It would mean the kids can't play in the garden. But maybe we could I don't know. Maybe I need to work it out a bit.

What is positive behaviour support ? I do try my best to be positive towards him. Like if he says somthing positive thar he's done/wants to do. Somthing he's pleased about . I always take am interest and be positive about it. To try and give him a feel good feeling hoping it will make him feel positive. And steer him away from negative things/feelings/vibes. But that can be really hard.

Social services have already been involved. They won't take him into care. It's not that simple Social services work with the family to keep him with the family.

You can use headphones to play on the PS5 and listen to music at the same time.

Basically, challenging behaviour is communication. PBS is about guiding the person to change how they communicate.

And that is the most gross oversimplification!
I'd really recommend you read about it and see if it sounds like something you would like to try to access.

www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/information-and-guidance/positive-behaviour-support/pbs-your-questions/

Thank you. I don't fully understand what's going on with ds. Person up thread said its not mental health he's choosing to do it. That could well be true . I wounder if he was an adult would it come under Domestic violence. But because hes 15 and I'm his mum it does . Not . Is it mental health that's not being treated no meds, no counselling/therapy etc. Because we are waiting . Is it teenage hormones. Is it a mix of all of them things. I can't pick anything and I don't have the answer at all.

Has he had any diagnosis? Do you suspect that he is autistic. My son is and he can be rather selfish with his behaviour and self-focussed at times - not deliberately so, just that he doesn't take others' needs unto account.

I'd suggest talking with him, at a calm moment and laying everything out - that he must to be mindful of the other children, that his behaviour can be threatening and frightening to them (and to you also) and negotiate together an agreement to move forward.