Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

Btw - some GP practices have a safeguarding liaison with social services and schools in the area (which is why if you highlight to GP about the EFFECT ON THE YOUNGER SIBLINGS and your concern that they are afraid and anxious - might have a different response). I agree that angling with the safeguarding of the younger kids (with their school and safeguarding lead would be a good Avenue to pursue).

@BlackeyedSusan - is it autistic to demand to play the PlayStation in the living room at a certain time (eg when the younger kids are at home) - where there is high likelihood of distractions? I mean if the aim was to avoid distractions then why not play in your room or when younger kids are at school? I’m not saying that he doesn’t have autism, but there might be something else going on here. And whatever it is (even if it is a health/development/mental health issue), the effect doesn’t seem very healthy for everyone involved? My sibling would be more focused on playing the game - and would compromise in order to be able to do this - which is kinda rational (though selfish as others didn’t get a go).

Random waffle alert:

he may game at that time as that is when his mates are online. this is perfectly reasonable to him... the little kids are stopping him doing something that is reasonable. to him. theory of mind, he has not developed the ability to think of what other people are thinking. you are probably useful and everyone else is surplus to requirements. he is probably very fixed in his thinking. and if he has been through a shit school that have consistenly tried to make a nd child square peg fit into a nt round hole then there is likely to be quite an impact on his mental health and well being.

the problem you are describing is him playing games in teh licving room. I think this is the visible result of what ever the problem is, and altering the stufff around it might make this less of a problem as there is not a clash, of needs causing conflict. his behaciour is not acceptable but it will take a lot of work to change that, possibly a diagnosis, help from cahms etc, but in the mean time you could be changing lots of other things, in a way you should not really have to, to make things easier for him and consequently easier for you and most importantly the children. it is not a deprivation for them to not play in teh living room if it is replaced by something of equal or higher value, such as playing at the park or iin the garden or having tea in the kitchen with mum and coulouring in or craft oor something while tea is cooking. itis quicker to change what you do with them to make their life easier, than to keep exposing them to a stroppy teen in the living room. yes you need to wook on his behaviour but it will take time, whereas you can alter your routine and your fixed thinking that they need to play in teh living room at this time really quickly while you work on the main issue, his behaviour. I wish it were as easy as just taking the playstation away and grounding him. sorry if it is patronising waffle. sometimes it can be hard to think of a solution when you are in teh midst of it. (been there done that, had a 7 year old point out the obvious) hope you find something that works.

If he is autsitic he is likely to be emotionally significantly younger than chronological age.

I know this might be extreme, bur what about removing the tv from your living room? You could either sell it or leave it with family/friends so he has no choice of taking over your living room.

Or if you can lock your bedroom then put it in there?

Rule of thumb .
Autistic boys tend to operate at a third of their chronological age .

Forget he's 15 and over 6 foot . What's his mental age ?
My some pushed the boundaries at 18 as if he was 13 . Difficult to deal with .
But he's now 30 . Married . Lives abroad . Works . Survives somehow . 9 lives . But I couldn't be prouder .

yep very autistic to demand to play in the living room at this time. not all autism is like this but sometimes some things have to be done in a certain way at a certain time and compromises are just wrong. the fixed rigid thinking and adherance to a fixed routine is unlikely to be changed until thinks are generally less stressed for him. He might not be able to see the compromise. nor the advantages of going to his room, nor anything else at all. hew may not yet have developed the ability to think that other people have feelings different to him and that people can not just read his mind, which might make him very cross indeed. much like the toddler with the cutted up pear,. but is terrifying when they are 6 foot three.

and minor things can be an absolute disaster. something really tiny being wrong can trigger an enormous meltdown. especially when tired, or hungry or stressed or too hot, or too cold, or clothes are itchy or it is too loud. (and little kid noise is bloody annoying. )

If you can hear everything all the bloody time and not be able to tune out noises it is exhausting and much harder to keep your temper.

(I can trigger an instant meltdown by reading I have been called for jury duty threads, and by the wrong noise)

Would him not being at home Mon - Friday help so that you & his siblings could have some normality? Do you think you could consider pushing for a place at a specialist residential school or college for him? My nephew goes to a special school for children with autism & there are some children who are there as weekly boarders. Would that be a compromise on putting him in care? You would have to do a lot of pushing but it would mean he would get the help he needs & you would get a break for you & his siblings.

It is interesting. We have posters posting things that will work for nt children, and others that are posting what will work for nd children. none of us knowing for sure which type he is. It would be interesting to find out what worked for him in the end.

oo hello, I recognise part of that username.

and I second this estimate. but add that it is not just autistic boys, girls are the same, though we tend to hide it a bit better.

@BlackeyedSusan - yeah, I suppose asking him why he has all these demands would be able to tell you whether it is some odd control thing or whether he has rational (though selfish) aims (eg want to play when his friends are online or his room is too hot). Personally I agree that IF the issues are small things like temperature in his room, then small adjustments may be more convenient (while he works through his issues). However a demand to control someone else or having a large number of variables that everyone has to work around (eg - he refuses to wear headphones and demands to play in living room at 4pm and complains about other kids even if they are outside/upstairs/going to toilet) is much more problematic.

He sounds very much like my older brother was. Extremely controlling, aggressive (although my brother was physically and verbally abusive daily), everything had to be just how he wanted it or all hell would break lose, we'd be on eggshells - he'd smash everything up, windows, doors, holes in walls, it ruined my life. He even broke my mums ribs at one point. It all came to a head when he attempted to seriously harm my mum and I but I managed to escape and phone the police, he was removed (he was 18yrs at the time) and placed on remand. I've always suspected he has autism, I even told him recently I suspect he has autism but he just dismisses it.

You have my deepest sympathy dealing with this OP and it sounds like you're doing all you can, people thing it's as simple as picking up the phone and calling some magical service for help and they'll promptly arrive and make everything okay (if only). I would suggest speaking with your local MP perhaps to see if he can push things further along with getting support from social services/CAHMs (although CAHMs, in my experience, don't offer much help). If you can't find anyone to have your son for a a few hours/overnight to give you a break then could you find someone to have your other children so they can have some breathing space? We just used to get out of the house as much as possible to try and avoid being around my brother.

I tend to find, that reducing stress levels all round tends to increase the ability to deviate from routine and be less rigid in thinking.

OP have any professionals hinted at Autism? It is possible that he may have a behavioural personality disorder...

Hi OP,
What a horrible situation for you all and awful that you are being let down by camhs etc.
I would keep pushing on the safeguarding front talking to them as much as possible about the risk to your younger children. Everyday I'd be raising it with at least one service until I had support.
If your younger children continue to be exposed to this behavior and control of you by their brother they are very likely to emulate it and so it needs to be boundaries set and you becoming a parent again in the situation with the support of SS. At the moment it doesn't sound like there is a patent figure in the house because DS is allowed to control you all because you are afraid of him.

Do you have any friends or family who can support you?

Is there anyone DS can stay with for a few weeks to give your other kids a break and a childhood they deserve. I feel scared for all of you with the summer holidays approaching.

@Notoschool

@Notoschool

I am very sorry for your situation very similar to mine.
But in the end we have to make a decision and that is to protect our youngest children.
Here, in Italy, there is a special institution that is adopted in these cases: compulsory medical treatment.
The boy is picked up by the health workers with the help of social services and detained for five to seven days at a treatment facility.
Reluctantly, I had to resort to this decision because I could no longer tolerate his verbal violence against his little sister, who is only 4 years old.
But was this behavior of your son exonerated by anything in particular?
In my case it became very aggravated when he learned that I was pregnant again....
You can also write to me privately. Let's keep each other updated!

Every time incidents happen call social services and report it EVERY TIME.. Document and date everything. Ring the police if needed. Tell social services every time you ring the police. Insist PlayStation goes in his bedroom. Go to gp and ask to se psychologist. Your council will have a Sen support for families Google it and ring them for advice. Ypu can absolutely start a ehcp the fact he's not in school will support it. You have to shout to get help unfortunately it doesn't get handed to you. Talk to school about younger children ask for support for them .

I'm another one reading this and thinking "undiagnosed autism ' OP and if I'm right then it's not going to be as simple as waiting for September and he goes yo college because the right support will not be in place.

I second the suggestion of talking to IPSEA SEN!SOS. Because autism or not there is something going on w your son that he needs support with.

Also, you have my sympathy for having to deal with all of this and my admiration for having coped so far. It shouldn't have to be like this, there should be proper support available in a time manner.

@Notoschool you say he doesn't know his father so presumably the younger 2 are from a different dad. Do you think this could be the root cause of his uncontrolled anger?

I'm sure you have although you don't mention it her, but have you tried talking to him and asking him why he thinks he behaves in this way?

I’d get rid of all electronics. Lock them in your car. If he wants to game/whatever he can go to the library then walk it off. Stop WiFi.

He’s 15
6ft 3

and physically threatening very young children

op - this is a man who will grow to be physically abusive to his partner and children. He will also likely be unemployable.

unless - you throw everything at this to try to deal with this. I have no idea of your financial position but I would be remortgaging my home to get private help asap

At 15 he looks like an adult but it sounds like he's very much still a child.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Mental health, or neuordivergent, this is just bullying. There are so many perfectly workable compromises here, but it sounds like he won't consider anything at all other than exactly what he wants.

The only sensible option here is that you challenge him during the day while your little ones are at school, and that you're willing to call the police if he gets violent. But it's obviously not as simple as that- I'm not sure I could do that to my own child. You have all my sympathy- this is an awful situation to be in xx

He 15
hes 6ft 3
hes physically threatening and frightening to his younger siblings and mother when he has electronics
now imagine that taken away from him

be realistic. That is going to do bugger all but make a terrible situation worse.

As you are throwing everything at getting private help if you can

i would set up a lovely safe space in your bedroom for your other children after school - with a tv, toys etc

It was a mistake to de register him from school. It really was. That was your avenue to get support and help.

at his age the LA are obliged to school him.

i would register him. Of course pointless from an education pov as that ship has sailed, but you will then be in the system abs there will be support

but you will have to work with them

i am utterly baffled that he has been accepted by a college?

He has been accepted on a college course without a single qualification and currently receiving no education at all?

to study what?