Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

“Shout very aggressively to the point my kids are petrified” Then call the police. Seriously, your kids cannot be under the fear of verbal abuse in their own home. Just because he has mental health problems, doesn’t give him rein to take over the home and make them afraid to make a noise in their own home.

He has a PS5, bought by you I take it? Then, he takes it in his room.

Get all the help you can, but there is a line, he obviously can have the PS5 in his room but just doesn’t want to. Not his choice. Wanting to take over the living room and be mean to the younger children is not the result of any diagnosis, but is the result of him being able to use aggression to get his own way. No, no, no.

Are you off your head? This is a child of 15 who has been failed repeatedly by services which should have supported him. Where the very fuck do you imagine he would end up???

And autism runs in families so if you have one on the spectrum chances are your boy is - they all present differently.
CAAMHS have an agenda in my opinion not to diagnose unless absolutely necessary because that starts costing the LEA money .
Go through the gp. They have nothing to gain or lose .

Good grief, this boy has no boundaries. You are letting him bully all of you. Take the PS5 away. Let him use it as a reward for good behaviour. If he is violent then call the police. You do not need to be 6 ft 3 yourself to be respected in your own house. Caribbean mothers know this!

He does nothing

So he just stays in bed all day then antagonises you and his younger siblings?

Tell him to get a job!

Where is his Dad?

What is your job?

I'm not even going to respond

How can he take after somone hes never met ?

Don't have any advice but my instinct would be to just Keep. Calling. The. Police and SS and making complete nuisance of myself until I got some sort of action from them.

How can he take after somone hes never met ?

Er.....are you so very naive that the effects on genes on personality and mental health issues are genuinely something completely new to you?

@LoonyIdea - it is possible for someone to have both been let down by services and have mental health problems AND abuse others. I’m just a bit concerned about when OP says things like: sometimes it is about where the younger sibling sits. Regardless of whatever problem, behaviour to try and control your sibling like that is unfair on that sibling.

I feel sorry for you OP. People thinking you can just lay down the law are absurd, he's the size of a grown man without the control of one. No matter how much you bend over the will find something to kick off about or control.

IMO he needs to go (doesn't mean you can't still have a relationship with him, having space but maintaining contact might be the best thing for you all).

Take care of yourself

I was a DV victim of my DS. He was 14 and towered over me.I got in touch with Social Services, they were next to useless. If it had been my partner that was repeatedly violent, they would have had issues but because it was my son, I was expected to just put up with it.

I had enough and called the police the next time he was violent and then refused to have him home after they had interviewed him with a Social Worker as his responsible adult.

He was in a Children’s home for 10 weeks which gave me some breathing space, but his violence then stretched into manipulation, mental abuse as well as physical. He admitted himself into a psychiatric ward at the age of 17, claiming he was hearing voices in his head. This was then determined as more manipulation, but I was warned by the Consultant that I was in grave danger because my son saw me as the obstacle in his life, the root of all evil, mainly because I wouldn’t allow him to rule my life and control me.

Keep on at CAMHS, but if he doesn’t engage with anyone there, you may have to make a stand to protect your younger children.

Op ignore the idiots . Maki g assumptions about his father is ludicrous.

What you're describing in him is autism . He's got to 15 without a
Diagnosis. Do the right thing by him .

I wouldn’t expose my younger children to an abuser but you do you. Not everyone can be helped.

I would go back to social services and keep on at them. How it’s a safeguarding issue for your younger kids

This. You need to raise a safeguarding concern for your younger children with whoever you can, NSPCC, Police, Social Services, to the Designated Safeguarding Lead at your younger kids' school (in fact this might be a very good way to go - it should be on the website or newsletter who the DSL is, failing that go to the headteacher or a class teacher and ask them to speak to the Safeguarding lead, often in my experience the Head will be the Safeguarding lead). If he's scaring them for sitting in the wrong place (FFS) they are being abused in their own home, walking on eggshells. It's domestic abuse. Every safeguarding course I've been on has stressed that abuse can be child on child. It's an URGENT safeguarding referral now.

Your younger children's school has a responsibility to safeguard your younger children and will take this very seriously.

You're being fobbed off at the moment because no-one is considering the serious safeguarding risks to your younger children. Making it about their safety will not only help them, but your older child too because he'll finally be pushed up the list to get the help he needs.

yes it is unfair on teh sibling but it is also a very autistic thing to do. they are probably distracting him by moving and provoking an anger response as the brain can not deal with the sensory stimulation ... and reacts with anger. the parent needs to help with the emotional regulation. which is what she is doing on here trying to get advice of where to get more help from. it is not fixed in a day. things change gradually. meltdowns get less frequent, and less severe, and shorter. making the family work for everyuone is bloody hard work when there are sn.

Also, you sound scared of your older son - I don't blame you as he's so much bigger physically - and as long as he knows that (and he will know) he knows he will be able to get his own way. It's not a good dynamic for the younger children to witness but it's also not good for you. You deserve more than living like this. I think you do need to force the authorities to step in here.

Please, please, raise a safeguarding concern for yourself and your younger children with their school.

Gp op
Social services are as shite as CAAMHS
I'm a police officer and there's no value in calling police unless you want to criminalise your son. That's all police can offer .
Hammer the door down to your doctor

This could be an idea regarding the safe guarding officer at my younger child's school she has known the whole family through school for 16 years so she actually knows ds as well. So that's definitely an idea.

The police took 6 hours to come last time.

I have heard loads of time how crap CAMHS is. But its the gp who have referred us to them.

It's also not good for your older son. He's not winning in this, is he, even though he's getting his way. The situation as it is is making him an abuser and these behaviours will become entrenched if nothing is done.

It may well be he has special needs or issues that need addressing, but that doesn't make what he's doing any less abusive, he's still being abusive to small children. You all need to have a change that breaks the current dynamic. He may well need to leave at least for a period.

Raise the safeguarding concern with the school.

Op you don't have to sit passively and wait !

Ask for a referral to a child psychologist. They can diagnose. And they count .

Make sure your younger children know that it's ok to tell their teachers and trusted adults in school about exactly how things are for them and how they feel at home. That should help to get some action.

And yes police aren't going to come out in an immediate response unless there is imminent danger to you or others.
Do you actually want him arrested and criminalised ?
Prisons are full of special needs that were never diagnosed. Slippery slope .