Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

No its not. But on the forms it did ask about any special needs . Mental health ect

Op are you going to apply for an EHCP?

Yes but im going to get help I'm doing it . As I don't know what I'm doing. There is a special needs charity in my area that can help me with that. I'm going to email them a bit later and call them on Monday

I really hope you get the help that you need for your vulnerable 15 year old son OP. Such a heartbreaking experience for you.

Having just re-read your posts on your previous thread you actually applied for an EHCNA on 2nd February didn’t you? What was the outcome of that?

You could have forced the LA to provide alternative education and where told how to do so on the other thread.

I don't even remember what happend . We were so fucked up mentally and emotionally. That I could not fight anymore. The whole thing actually left me very much on the edge of things I do not care to mention. As well as coping with ds and his emotions. I probably have something on emails I will look later . As I'm om way to my children's sports day .

God some replys on here. I think it's some of you lot that needs your kids taken away. If this is how you treat them. if this is how you treat vulnerable kids.
Yes his two siblings a vulnerable. But so is he.
This is a constant thing on Mum's net.its really horrid. mental health or anything on that spectrum is just so misunderstood. Rallied againat.the vileness about it.yuck

People just assume it's bad behaviour or aggressive kids or domestic violence in kids?! Really. Go do some research.
Kids with these conditions can act a appallingly yes.and its so tough.it doesn't mean its them,it is their disorder or that illness. and if parents choose or can stick by them the rewards and the support and getting through it can be amazing after.it can build familys of strenghth like youve never known.
and the families can survive. and their families underservingly can go through shit. they can be damaged which is more shit.but its conditions and illness that dont give a choice.but that doesn't mean we abandon them. If anyone in that family can get through shit like this together are f brilliant. but they don't need to be told all the time how s their kid is or what they should do to leave them. It's 15 abandoning him. He's taking himself to be taken into care that is an unmet need of someone who actually just needs f love and more attention.to be felt worthy. Not that the Op doesn't give him love but there's something in him that feels alone scared and is lashing out and didn't know how to equalise his behaviour and didn't know how to say help Something Inside Me is lost.
But people really really saying these awful things about him isn't helping.
every post I've read on here this kid isn't a bad kid. I don't get that anywhere. And if the fact that you said op he gets a kick out of your time,mending stuff,and you'll see him change when you do stuff together or when you see him doing stuff well it all points to the same thing. And that's not evil monster that deserves to be kicked out or sectioned. And if any of you knew what it's like to be on a section in hospital ,especially with the current state of affairs in mental health institutions, my god you would not even suggest it .that kid would be brutalised. Come out way worse.And yes that happens.
He needs support yes.and that should be offered in the community yes.its shit he isnt.
his mum needs support his family need support and he needs to stop doing the stuff that he's doing .that's not the kids fault he isn't being given gone right tools or aid. it's this s services. s* mental health service, social care services.and a government that are a bunch of no hopers. that means this family isn't getting the support they need.
should they still be abandoning the 15-year old kid that smiles and loves it when you sit down in the evening with his mum to watch TV? Oh be gone with you what advice is that.

That sounds like a good plan forward - make sure you do this.

Try and find out the e-mails from February - maybe just print them off and see if this charity or maybe September college can help you get the processes started /restarted appealed or chase up which ever is applicable.

I think the problem is he has realised he can get his own way because he’s bigger and stronger than you, you’re in an abusive relationship with your son essentially. You need to break the cycle, take back control of your home, if he gets violent or smashes the place up call the police, call a male family member or friend etc. He cannot be allowed to intimidate you all into submission, mental health problems or not.

I don't even remember what happend . We were so fucked up mentally and emotionally. That I could not fight anymore. The whole thing actually left me very much on the edge of things I do not care to mention. As well as coping with ds and his emotions

What steps have you taken to address your own mental health? It is not possible to parent well without first doing this.

Thích Nhất Hạnh said about parenting: the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child is his or her happiness.

www.pacesconnection.com/blog/dr-gabor-mate-and-full-potential-parenting-even-when-it-is-hard

I presume this is some sort of typo because no sane adult would be tempted to go out swimming to ‘decompress’ while an aggressive and bullying teenager watches the small children he likes to bully into silence and submission. That’s an awful and terrible idea.

This makes me think it’s more like control. He sounds frightening, to you and his younger siblings.
I would hand him a timetable. He can have the living room while the other kids are at school x o’clock to y o’clock. A o’clock to b o’clock it belongs to the younger kids. Everyone sticks to the rules. The times are non negotiable.
If he objects tell him to put his objection in writing ( I’m not joking, have done this) and the family will discuss his objection.
No swearing, shouting or hitting are allowed in the house or garden. Your house, your rules. And the rules apply to everyone. It might not work but it just might.

You can voluntarily put your child into care , you retain parental rights but he becomes a looked after child.
I know I sound harsh but I really couldn’t allow a 15 year old to bully me and my small children. They should not be living like this.

Op
And I recommend you look at a technique called "non violent resistance " it's a very good technique for dealing with very difficult behaviour

@Notoschool
It comes down to a choice and it is a horrible choice to have to make.
Either expect your two other children to put up with this horror, as you do.
Or
Remove this monster from your life and from your home. You may object to me calling him a monster, but what you describe just seems "like that" to me.

If your two other children reach 16 and leave the home at the earliest opportunity and never come back, because they just can't cope with the situation - then - who can blame them? That's what I did.

What’s so hard about throwing the games console away? You said your son was asleep for most of the day - just shove it in a bin bag when he’s in bed and get rid of it. He’ll be pissed off and he’ll probably have a meltdown. So what? He’ll get over it.

@GiselleRose

Actually, I would be tempted to go out swimming or something in evenings to decompress and leave him in charge of the littles ones.

please tell me you don’t have any children
because this is the worst advice I have ever read on mumsnet

I don't think some people are getting it. Others are though.

I would never do that. I won't even go to the local shop which is a 2 min walk away without them.

That's great, well done!

One more step to making things better.

@Notoschool Do you think that he is capable of harming your other two children? Eg, rape, breaking bones, beatings etc?

No hes never touched them.

I would really, really urge you not to be defensive and think that only soft compassion is the answer, only help for your son is the answer. Only things that don’t draw boundaries or give your son consequences, which are ‘nice’ and supportive and just say, wait for months fighting for him. When you’ve just described that everyone is frightened of him, that your younger kids are sometimes petrified.

You have a duty of care to your younger children, who are being bullied and verbally abused in their own home.

That doesn’t mean you automatically kick him out. But it does mean you need to enforce boundaries, and if you can’t do it, get help from social services and the police (who will be more helpful than you think).

This has all been done .

Fgs just post in special needs and avoid the idiots (well meaning or not

@stillvicarinatutu Don't call yourself an idiot. I am sure you mean well really.