Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

I wish I knew

This sounds incredibly hard for you and the younger two, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be putting up with him treating you all like utter shit, no matter his own issues. It will be damaging your younger two in ways that might not be recoverable when they're older.

I would be sitting him down and explaining to him that he's very loved, but he needs to be taking a lot more account of the needs of the other members of the family. Everyone in the family needs to be considered, not just him. He's not different and special. He's loved as much as the others, but they are just as important as him.

He gets to choose. He can get up earlier and play his PS5 in the sitting room while the other two are at school so he gets time in the sitting room. Then he plays it in his bedroom when they're home. He gets to choose if he makes use of the time the other two are out, but he does choose and abides by his choice. No more having it all ways and dominating. If he continues with the behaviour you don't want, there will be consequences. If he kicks off there will be more severe consequences - you will be calling the police. Explain that you really don't want to do this, but have to think about his future and the future of everyone else int he family. He can't carry on like this.

Don't carry on letting social services fob you off. They can't insist he lives with you. Tell them you NEED proper help NOW, not a ridiculous 18 month waiting list. Otherwise, if things carry on you, will need them to arrange temporary foster care for him. They either step up and actually HELP you keep him in the home, or they take on responsibility for him. One or the other. But things won't be continuing as they are, because you refuse to pander to him anymore and he won't be able to stay in the home while behaving like this.

Don't let them guilt you into backing down "I'm afraid I cannot have him at home while he behaves like this. If it was a partner of mine subjecting the younger two to this treatment, you would be pressuring me to get rid of him, wouldn't you? Because you know as well as I do that it's damaging for them. And on that basis, you need to help me safeguard them by arranging safe foster care for my oldest'. Broken record technique.

Boundaries are what you need all round here.

Tell me how ? He's already on the waiting list fir CAMHS. I'm constantly contacting the gp . And CAMHS. Trying to push them. I don't have much control over the professionals /waiting list . All o cam do is keep on at them.

Is this a good idea? I’d hate the idea of coming to my 15 year old and saying humbly ‘oh is it ok if the rest of the family play quietly in the kitchen or bedroom upstairs so as you can enjoy your ps5 time in silence?’ Isn’t this just reinforcing that nobody else matters? And what does it tell his siblings as they hide away playing in the kitchen while their brother (who bullies and frightens them) plays his games in the communal family space? Why is it ‘fair enough’ that he needs the entire living room every single day and everyone else plays in the kitchen?

I would go back to social services and keep on at them. How it’s a safeguarding issue for your younger kids, how you’re all afraid to say or do anything as he becomes aggressive and violent, how you can’t cope. And I’d phone the police every time he becomes violent and immediately copy in social services with reports of what’s happened and that the police have been called. Make yourself a nuisance to them. If you’re not willing to do that I’d be looking at other relatives and seeing if anyone can help you with the younger kids to allow them some respite.

@MiniPiccolo you sound like you have no idea what you're talking about

What a mess.

ok you can still apply first ehcp, and frankly I think you must.

that was his needs will be assessed

Provision will be drawn up to meet those needs

an educational placement which could include a home Ed (EOTAS) package will be drawn up.

if you DONT do this it will all continue. The ehcp is a binding contract between your child and the LA. They can’t wiggle out of it and yet by deregistering, you’ve effectively allowed them to do just that.

Apply NOW. Tonight.

Do you have any friends or family that can offer you respite.

My mum's foster teenager was awful with her: violent, swearing etc but she was fine with me. Even now as an adult she gets on better with me. It was a personality clash between mum and my sister.

Im also in favour of taking away the ps5. Why should he have it? It has to be earned. Dont be scared OP. Stand up to him.

Im also in favour of taking away the ps5. Why should he have it? It has to be earned. Dont be scared OP. Stand up to him

He's 6ft 3 and violent. I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't want to get beaten up

He is Autistic. Can you afford to get him diagnosed privately? Or tell the GP you think he is Autistic and things might go quicker? If he doesn't get the therapy he needs then he will just become an abusive adult as he is already abusive to you. I know a child like this and I just think a break from the Mother would really help as they are just in a habit of abusing the Mother. I'm not sure how you can do that though. It must be a really difficult situation.

If you decide to go the gentle parenting negotiation route then I do hope you're saving for the younger childrens future therapy.

The reason I suggested the ‘gentle parenting’ approach is because OP gives the impression that when the DS is angry that he is aggressive.

OP is in a horrendously difficult situation. Her hands are tied. She needs help by that help is pretty much impossible to access.

I don’t understand how OP can take the hard line about the PS5 when the ramifications could be awful.

I don't know if I can at the moment at he's not in school. I might need to wait till September when he's in college

@Ottersmith how do you know he is autistic? I think we need to be careful before handing out diagnoses...

OP has he ever laid a hand on you before?

You very much have my understanding and sympathy. Been in a similar situation and it's so hard. In our case, calling the police was a partial solution as although it changed the level of trust between me and my young person, the behaviour has not been repeated. I'm sorry they were less supportive in your case. On the other hand, the SS involvement it triggered for the younger one, that I embraced whole-heartedly, was an absolute joke and both useless and traumatic.
Personally, things I have found that helped are:

• reading up on strategies to handle oppositional defiant behavior and borderline personality disorder


• knowing what battles to pick


• showing love and affection (hard at times!)


• having equal treat times at age-appropriate level


• having expectations but when they are not met finding a time to talk about why that was rather than getting annoyed


• doing something that relaxes/energises you, or some kind of self-care, to build up your own reserves

It is a slow process to build change but his behaviour has probably worn you down over time. Set yourself a few targets to work towards - I'd say wearing headphones initially would be a good one. He's going to have to accept that it would be really unreasonable and selfish of him to refuse. Then work on PS5 in his room only.

Have you talked to the younger ones' school? They may well be able to access support for you. Don't be ashamed to talk to people about it.

I hope to think he would not. But I also would not be shocked. But even so that would provoke him. And then my younger kids would see that. Some people are not getting that it's not about the playstation as such. There's been similar issues because somone looked at him. At another point it was about where younger ds was sitting.

You absolutely 100% can.

I think you need an advocate too. You seem to have bought into a lot of very poor advice, much of which is untrue/unlawful.

seriously OP this is “hair on fire” urgent. And whomever told you to deregister wants shooting.

You NEED to speak to either IPSEA or SOS SEN and get proper support on this because you’re pushing in the wrong direction.

oh lovely, it is so hard.

Yvonne Newbold has some resources you could look at. and Mind.

how does your son feel about his behaviour? does he know that he gets mad or seems to forget what has happened? Does he want to control it when he is in a calm phase?

sounds like he has some sensory difficulties with the noise? you know him best, I am guessing from a sentance or two. does he have any other sensory difficulties? (seeking or avoiding?)

He definitely need help regulating his emotions.

I found that keeping blood suugar up helped. Glucose tablets in an emergency, sugary pop helped as well. I have the kid that if you give them sugar it calms them down but you have to follow up with complex carbs to prevent the crash.

do you do any calming activities with him. (occupational therapy type. ) foot massage works well on one of mine. regular calming activities help to reduce the overall stimulation.different things work with different kids. (This was highly recommended by the OT at a post diagnosis session)

ringing them up or texting them and making sympathetic noises helps tthem to refocus. (might drive yours batshit you have to pick and mix what works for you)

catching the developing meltdown early worked sometimes, by tickling.

tight hugs.

heavy work, and exercise.

If he has sen, then you need to parent differently. Your aim is to help him self regulate so that the house will be peaceful for everyone. you might have to achieve this through different means to parenting a typically developing child.

No deregistering was the right thing to do. As much as I'm saying how hard it is with ds. There has also Been some improvement compared to when he was at school. Which mostly he was not going . I think his attence was 30% I could not physically force him to go. Now after all the bullet points I put above regarding the safe guarding officer. There was no way we could work with them my son had been put through to much crap and would never feel safe or trust that school. If she spoke to me that way. Sod knows what she done to my son.

Although he's still hard work at home a weight was lifted when he stopped school. He's had some time to heal from that and has made the choice to go to college I September.

I have done a lot of work about naming emotions and sympathising with them that what everr thing it is that has upset them is annoying. and trying to encourage them to take steps to help regulate their own emotions and seek different solutions Who knows whether it is working or they are just growing out of it? lots of positive praise as well

It is really hard when you are in teh thick of it but try and spot patterns. the day is currently set up to be a bloody disaster (as it seems to happen the same everyday) what part of the routine can you change to reset the pattern so that you are not all carrying on the same behaviours in the same way everyday.

you are trying really hard, you will find a solution either from any of the ideas people post or finally getting sc to act.

deregistering can be helpful in some cases. the relationship had broken down between you and school. It will take a while for him to ddecompress from school.

I’ll argue it wasn’t, not because he needed time away from school, but by deregistering him you have effectively dropped into a category called Elective Home Education and then you’re pretty much cut adrift by all services.

Had you removed him, got proper advice instead of the nonsense you’ve repeated here, and got a package put together of “education other than at school” then you would have had a chance of his needs being met.

I am furious on your behalf that this is the position you’ve found yourself in, for the want of solid advice.

You've got a plan for education, so think what the next step is. take it a bit at a time. things are improving. it takes time. keep going

Do you live with your other children's father? Is it posible some of this stems from the trauma of never knowing his dad, but the younger ones knowing theirs?

He’s an abuser. You are scared of him.

I’d seriously think about kicking him out or your younger children will suffer.

Box up his stuff. Advise SS you refuse to have him in your house. Change the locks. He sounds beyond help.

OP - I’m so sorry you are going through this. I grew up with an explosive sibling.

Just to clarify - you said it wasn’t about the ps5 ie - it wasn’t that he couldn’t play it in his room. You said that it was at one point about where younger DS was sitting.

are you saying that he wants to control what people in the family do? He is not doing this to achieve an aim of playing on his ps5 in peace - he wants to do it in a specific way to control an aspect of the situation.

To me this would be unacceptable. He can either play the ps5 in his room or downstairs when the younger kids are in bed or school OR he can leave the home. If it is a control thing, I would seek advice from a women’s aid charity as well as GP (in terms of the control aspect) because this sounds quite abusive? I mean - he could have problems, but wanting to do something to control the younger kids and you is not healthy.

In my situation my parents were scared about kicking sibling out (might get into drugs etc). But eventually he moved into a shared house, moved around, had some job/debt issues but now is relatively stable.

Op
You don't have to wait for
CAAMHS

I've not read all the replies since my post but if he's on waiting list for caamhs there's a reason.

See your gp and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. CAAMHS are useless imo . Did nothing for my autistic son.
Getting a diagnosis did tho . Gateway to getting the support he needed for school college and uni plus other stuff outside education.