Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

Thank you I will have a quick look. Then read properly tomorrow. When I'm more likely to take it in .

I disagree with PP that this behaviour means he's intending to bully or create conflict.

Read The Explosive Child, and Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene. Join The B Team Facebook group for loads of really practical advice about how to interact and negotiate differently with kids who don't respond to traditional rewards/punishments parenting approaches.

I’d try two things:

(Assuming you don’t have the money to build a sound proof shed in the garden…)

Detached from any particular incident so that it’s done in an emotionless way as far as possible, I’d put my head around his door and ask if he’s got two minutes for a chat (important to state a short amount of time to show you’re not expecting this to be long-winded). Say ‘I know how important your time on the ps5 is and I know that the noise the kids make disturbs you. I want you to be able to enjoy playing on your ps5 but also need the younger kids to be able to play noisily. Can we agree on a space where the kids can make noise after school? If you’d prefer to be in the living room, fair enough. Can we play upstairs/in the kitchen?

Second thing, and this one is worthwhile however it goes dealing with the ps5 issue.

I was bullied at home and at school as a child. My self esteem hasn’t really recovered. But there is something my parents could have easily done which would have made a huge difference. I needed them to say positive things to me. Although they were great parents I was never told they loved me or that I was doing well, or that I looked nice, or that I was fun to be around. This really really mattered because I needed it to balance out the awful things that were being said to me.
So just be mindful always to be really clear to your younger children that they’re great and loved and deserve much better treatment in life than what their sibling is doing.

@Notoschool have a look at stuff around non violent resistance and child to parent violence too.
Have you heard about PACE? There are some great resources like books, podcasts etc around therapeutic parenting.

My worry with CAMHS is if he doesn't engage they will discharge him as they can't force him to work with them.

The worst thing is not knowing. At least if you understand what is going on, you can look at the best ways to deal with it and you can research the most appropriate support.

Re choice v mental health. I don't think it divides like that. Your mental health can cause your challenging behaviour. Your challenging behaviour can negatively affect your mental health. It's not one or the other. You make choices that are shaped by your mental health iyswim.

Yes. You are choosing to do these things. But your ability to make choices, your thought processes, your needs, etc are not separate from your mental health. One affects the other.

Eg did my son choose to hit his dad with a chair?
Yes.
Would he have made that choice were it not for his disabilities and challenges? No.

My son actively seeks conflict and we have had to change everything about how we deal with him and how we live.

His PBS worker said to us "it comes down to this - how much are you willing to do?"
Even stupid things like not watching the Simpsons because he massively kicks off.

I hope I'm making sense. I hope something helps, even a tiny bit. Even if it's just knowing you're not alone.
You are doing your best. It's hard.

Thank you . Everything you said makes alot of sense.

You won’t get help from external services unless something goes badly wrong, and then it will be your fault.
currently, you are sacrificing 2 children for the sake of one, they will learn how to submit and it will follow them into adulthood/other relationships, it will fuck them up and, in my experience, have no positive benefits for your DS either. You need to make a choice, either protect the majority or fuck up everyone by continuing as you are, teaching your younger DC how to accommodate fucked up behaviour and put it ahead of their own needs. Your choice. Neither one is likely to achieve the ideal outcome, you need to decide which is your less bad outcome.

Ok - don't take this as the stick answer or an excuse but have you had him assessed for special needs - asd ? Sounds like he has particular sensitivity to noise but needs certain noises - I'd seriously look into it .
My son is 30 and was diagnosed at 7 . Wasn't difficult as a child tho really bar one or two boundary pushing phases ....

He sounds a lot like my son who is autistic and I suspect demand avoidance. I've been advised by someone to take his phone away until he does what we want him to do. They aren't the ones who have to deal with the aftermath! He's only 9 and can be so loving, but takes his anger out on me and his brother and is always sorry afterwards.
People who aren't or haven't been in this situation shouldn't really be commenting as taking away his ps5 is only going to escalate things.
Sorry I'm not being very helpful but just know that you aren't alone x

This is so difficult, OP. I really feel for you. As you've identified, this behaviour from an adult would be abusive and you would be encouraged to leave with your younger children to protect them. I don't have any advice, but all best wishes and hope things improve.

I don't understand your post ? You said social services won't help unless something bad happens. Then said I Need to make a choice. How can I when social services won't do anything.

Absolutely agree with this. It’s no good waiting for CAHMS. Go to your GP and ask for an ASD referral, find out what local charities/support groups there are to see if they offer family counselling or try Relate.

Do you have other family he could live with for a while until he gets help to manage his behaviour?

Also being at home all day with nothing to do won’t be helping. There are Home Ed groups, care farms etc he needs structure and routine, and to be doing something that gives him a sense of accomplishment & build his self-esteem. You could make a list of options and start with 1 activity a week of his choosing.

Ross Greene’s Explosive Child is a really helpful book.

It sounds like an awful situation for you, and unfortunately you have to fight for any help.

My other child had autism. But if course all children are different. I'm definitely open minded about it. I guess that and other things get explored when CAMHS kicks in.

Sorry if I’m missing the obvious but why does he get violent if the ps5 is in his room as opposed to the living room? I would have thought he’d prefer that so he doesn’t get disturbed by younger siblings. If that’s a no go maybe try and compromise on a time he can play like when the younger ones go to bed.

It's much deeper than the ps5 😔

Does he have an EHCP? He’s still of school age and should be receiving an appropriate education so where the hell are the LA in all this?

Depression and anxiety can cause a person to be aggressive and controlling towards other people. It very much sounds like mental health issues to me.

Disgusting that you are still waiting for help, when you need support to deal with this. So many people on ridiculously long waiting lists for mental health support. It’s a frightening situation.

Keep banging on doors op. That’s all you can do. I really feel for you 💐

Say ‘I know how important your time on the ps5 is and I know that the noise the kids make disturbs you. I want you to be able to enjoy playing on your ps5 but also need the younger kids to be able to play noisily. Can we agree on a space where the kids can make noise after school? If you’d prefer to be in the living room, fair enough. Can we play upstairs/in the kitchen?

Wow. What a way to teach the younger children that their needs and wants don't matter, that they should submit so they don't get hurt. Wouldn't surprise me if either one ended up in an abusive relationship in the future.
If he wants to play his PlayStation in the living room then why doesn't he do it when they're at school? Why wait untill they're home? It's simply to bully them.

Social services have already been involved. They won't take him into care. It's not that simple Social services work with the family to keep him with the family

That only works if you're willing to back down.

If you decide to go the gentle parenting negotiation route then I do hope you're saving for the younger childrens future therapy.

You're his parent. Parent him.

Playing nice guy hasn't worked. Aking him hasn't worked. Telling him hasn't worked.

Come down on him like an absolute ton of bricks, every and any time he dares show any agression towards you or the other kids.

Every. Damn. Time.

Remove the PS5. Permanently.

Your son doesnt have mental health issues. He's an entitled spoiled little git, and he's doing it because he can.

I understand what your saying and why. It definitely makes sense. I can say all the the things you suggested. He then refuses. Then what ? I can try my best to lead him to A path but I can't force him To take it. Off his own back he has agreed to go to college in September. And he seems positive about it. I don't want to Rock the boat with that side of things.

Children with oppositional defiance tendancies can become very dangerous adults, btw OP. So you need to get a handle on this quicker.

Where is his father in all this? I can’t see you’ve mentioned him.

We went through hell with school. I ended up deregistering him on the end. The school just kept making threats saying things that were not true . Did not offer alternative education. I try to say I'm bullet points as its to long tk fully explain. Some of its stupid stuff but they still said it.

1. told ds he cant get help outside of school. As they will refuse because hes not in school.

2. my child benefit will be stopped

3. I will go to prison.

4. refused to try a reduced time table

5. found my son self harming I'm the toilets . Phoned me shouting down the phone.

6. she had said the social worker had spoken to her and they had a chat and social worker just things ds is messing about.

7. I practically cried on the phone to social worker because of the way. The person from the school was shouting at me making threats as above. I the end social worker sent her an email and said to me not to worry I don't think she will be bothering you again. I refused to take her calls from. Then .

After coming on to mn I deregistered him.

We felt a massive weight had been lifted. And I now question if she spoke to me that way how was she talking to ds.

I should add. By she I meant safe garding officer at the school.

Sorry for what you are going through. If you don't mind me asking, what made him become like this? x

Hes never met his father