Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

You need to have some authority, mum. You need to put your foot down and lay the law. It's your home. Your rules. And 6ft3 or not I wouldn't give a hoot. He needs to know who is the boss there is no way my teenage son, who is roughly around the same age as your son and also I have kids around the same age as your younger ones. there is no way, Jose, i would let him tell younger ones keep the noise down, stop it and dont sit there
who the hell does he think he is. And taking over the lounge with his playstation. See, by this he already thinks he rules the roost. By you being more firm and saying this is my home, you be quiet. And get that playstation off and go read a book or help me take the bins out. Etc
My kids love the playstation but they have to earn it. My 14 yr old also has to help with chores, be good in school etc to have the playstation or play games on the laptop and it's always supervised. And he is 5ft 6 and a good few inches taller than me! I am the boss and the parent and you do as we say! Come on, mum, I know you can do it. I hope you can get the help you need with camhs also.
Is his dad in the picture????

OP I really feel for you
In my experience of fostering numerous teens with similar difficulties and behaviour, every single one was placed in care at the request of the parent. This was often after years of abuse from the child and one or two parents had actually turned up at the reception area of SS and left child there with all their belongings. The teens would often do well outside of the family home and in many cases returned when they were 18.
In foster care there is a different emotional involvement and different expectations, one being absolutely zero tolerance of physical violence ( this is horrendously difficult to achieve within the family home once young person has started being violent. ) Once in foster care there is also a faster track to other services ( well there was a few years ago), many young people received diagnoses in the first year of being in care. However many young people sort of grew out of the terrible behaviour
Often there was a combination of negligent parenting as well ( that's not blaming or suggesting this is you) it was often just circumstantial.
Saying this though, some young people don't change and get worse, two of my previous placements are now serving prison sentences for violent crimes.
I was wondering whether you could contact Women's aid? You are most definitely in a domestic violence situation. WA may be able to assist with another referral to Children's services
I think your only option for the time being is to get space from your son

These are the things you need to get in order.

1)your house is not a hotel.
2) he can't lay about watching and playing playstation .

3) he must certainly cannot boss.other siblings around.
4) he needs to help with chores
5) the lounge is not his gaming room central.
6) he needs to respect his mother, who have birth to him, and fed him and clothes him all these years.
7) he needs to get drive and focus and go to college and not slack off, also how did he get into college if he is not in school. Even if he does seem positive, you have to push him to get it and give it his all.

8. Mum, even though his dad isn't around which is very tough, you are his full time parent but you can't walk on egg shells around him. You're the boss, remember that

I love you so much and wish you all the best. God bless

OP this sounds so difficult. When did the MH issues start? Was it around the time you were pregnant with the 7yo? Your eldest son is nearly 10 years older. Did he feel left out and now resents his half siblings (obviously not your fault)? When did you de-register him from school? Have you sent him for alternative tuition? He will struggle to pass his GCSEs at college if he’s missed a couple of years of school. However, I guess there’s only so much you can do if he hasn’t engaged in any work.

I’m not sure what to advise except being assertive about seeing a child psychologist. Your son is nearly 16 (I’m guessing if he’s going college) and won’t be able to stay within child health services soon. You need to continue to push or look into private therapy.

Yes he is going to college. I don't know if all area do it. But ours do college for 14- 16 year olds. Where thsy study for gcse ect.

Op- what a difficult situation and sounds like you really need some support.
I would go back to LA or SS and tell them you, your other children and your son are at risk of harm. If they think you're remotely coping- they'll leave you to it. It's awful, but to get help you need to not only rock the boat- but capsize it.

I just realised that my post re the PlayStation, etc sounded a bit preachy. My reasoning is that if you make home as unappealing to him as possible, take away any incentive for him to hang out there, then your other kids might have the time and space to feel safe at home.
If he does have some kind of personality disorder/antisocial problem, I’d love to say that it will get better, but without a hell of a lot of intervention (which I know you’re desperately trying to access, so NOT a blame the parent post at all) it’s not going to happen. My brother was aggressive and huge. I’m only 5ft. I haven’t spoken to him since my mother’s funeral five years ago. Prior to that, I barely spoke to him anyway. He is still stalking me and trying to harass me. I’m 50 and he’s 48.

Temporarily I think you should move your younger childrens 'playing' area out of the living room. Keeping them out of the upset as much as possible is your priority here while you fight for support with your son.

Posters are suggesting telling SS you want him removed but even if you wanted this it won't happen anytime soon. There aren't enough suitable places to remove young people to.

Sending you strength OP. I hope you have felt support from this thread

if you live in Scotland and need to call the police, ask for the Pacer team. They specialise in mental health issues and consist of a police officer, paramedic and mental health nurse. The police call them when they feel the situation warrants mental health intervention rather than police assistance. But there’s no reason why you can’t ask for them yourself.

But yes you should tell them you are all at risk.

Has he been physically aggressive to you or just verbal atm? Sorry you are going through this it sounds so hard xx

I just wanted to clear something up . When my son is aggressive its towards me. He's not like that with the younger children. Although yes he does constantly NAG them. Everytime they do general kid stuff. His aggression is towards (me) when I tell him to stop. But they are in the room so they are exposed to it . Which i know is bad.

What a disgusting way to talk about children who are living with an abusive older sibling.

It is a deprivation though. Them playing in the kitchen is a deprivation of their own home. Or having to sit in a park all evening so they don’t get screamed at and frightened for moving/asking a question in their own home. It’s utterly unacceptable for the solution to be keeping the younger children silent and hidden to appease him.

Also not easy to have a man-sized teen frightening you in your own home every time you try to speak. And as it goes there aren’t ‘brats screaming all day long.’ They’re at school all day long and entitled to make noise in their own home without abuse. His needs don’t give him carte blanche to be an abuser.

It sounds as though OP has passively parented her son for years (how did you get to the point he is playing the PS in the living room in the first place?)
Now at 15 & 6'3 he has no boundaries, they should have been in place from day one, you are the parent, he follows the rules. Bit late now trying to undo years of him being in charge.
I absolutely would not be setting up a space in my bedroom for the younger children to play in as another poster suggests, why should they be effectively hidden in there own home because of their older siblings issues?
I would set up the PS in his room, I would then have a conversation along the lines of that's where it stays, if I find it in the living room it will be destroyed (I assume you paid for it?)
When he brings it back down (he will, always had his own way so why should things change for him now?) I would cut wires/pour water over the damn thing!
When he kicks off (which he will as mum has finally followed through on enforcing a rule with him) I would call the police, it's not nice for the younger ones to see but neither is living with him day in day out.
I would then start seriously looking into his accommodation options be that Foster care or residential school.
At this point, regardless of mental health issues/undiagnosed autism he is nit fut to be around his younger siblings....my focus would be on creating a home they can be children in (also making sure I'm not following the same parenting pattern with them, look at the rules and boundaries you have for them NOW before they get to 15 and 6'3!)

Ss have a duty of care towards all children, if he's being violent towards your other children in the houses then 'they' are at risk because of him. My dd ended up on a 'child in need' plan due to my other ds's behaviour towards her (a slightly different situation to yours) I'd strongly suggest you find a good solicitor and start to have conversations with them and they talk to Ss not you. They will know what to do and how to force Ss hand, to either assist you, find funding for help, assessement a etc, or find him a specialist placement.

Be prepared to be the bad guy tho, Ss will blame you. Ss will NOT want to do this as it's very very expensive to house children in care, or any placements, but there are places out there for teenagers, like your ds.

Before I moved house he used to smash it up . But since I have moved house he has not. He did once try and get physical with me. But I cant even remember what happend. I think possibly I have blocked it out a bit.

You should put him into foster care for the sake of your two other children.

Their suffering is greater than his. Their suffering is greater than yours. They have a greater right and need for a secure and safe home. Their home life is miserable and frightening. They are too small to have any ability to stop or mitigate this and this life is damaging them in a way that will echo in every relationship they every form, in the behaviour they accept and in the behaviour they show to others, including their own children.

You have done your utmost, but this is not enough for what your son needs right now and it is not enough to protect those two small children.

Once your son is under the care of social services, he may be better placed to access the support he needs. You may also be in a better position to remake the relationship between you both so that he does not have the power and ability to be abusive to you all.

To everyone saying be reasonable, have you ever had to grow up with a violent man-sized teen in the home?

My brother was one and my mum pussyfooted around him and basically sacrificed my mental health.

For that I will never forgive her.

My home was not my safe place. It was a place where violence was daily threatened (and meted out if mum wasnt home).

This 100% WILL fuck up your younger kids beyond belief. Even being in my brothers presence now on very rare family occasions reduces me to trembling anxiety. There's still the undercurrent of violence and malevolence in him.

Yes you’re alone. Alone in idiot corner.