What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

Don't be ridiculous. Your child isn't dead. Whatever anyone's views on the trans issue is I think everyone can agree that it's OK to grieve the child you had.

If my son isn't dead, where is he?

I had a baby boy. Are you telling me I no longer have a son?

What happened to him, where is he?

Google 'social contagion' chances are he will grow out of it x

I think 23 is a bit old for social contagion. I guess he has to live his life how he wants/needs to, but I just don't know how to come to terms with the loss of my son.

There's no recognition of the grief I feel. I'm expected to embrace this new persona.

But I remember giving birth to a boy. I remember all his 'firsts'. I nurtured my son, I remember every single step he took. I know I had a son. All I want to know now is, what happened to him. Where did he go, why can I not speak of him? This breaks my heart.

He didn't die. He's (or rather she!) is the exact same person.

This is going to be tough. But remember, there's no point fighting this. It's okay to grieve the future you thought you'd have with your child but that same person is still there. If your child is truly transgender, he/she will need your support more than ever. If he/she is not, then the same still applies.

Good luck, I promise it'll all be okay.

All I want to know now is, what happened to him. Where did he go, why can I not speak of him? This breaks my heart.

Does* *your child insist you can’t talk about their childhood? The boy you had is not dead, but now your boy has become someone else. Understandably that’s painful for you, but really it’s like any element of our children growing up and away. We can’t hold onto them as they were, as babies or children.

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

I have only ever known one young person who declared gender issues like this. They had always had many issues, suspected Asperger’s and some physical health issues. Never fitted in and bullied at school. Did your DS fee very marginalised like the young person I knew ? Didn’t know them well was more a friend of the family.

He didn't die. He's (or rather she!) is the exact same person.

This is my point. If you are saying 'she'. what happened to he?

Your child isn't dead. You have a different child than before. Difficult, you're of course allowed to take time to process and grieve the life you imagined for him.
But asking if he's dead is insensitive. I completely understand you're hurting, and I'm sorry for that. I hope you will be ok

Your son is still your boy, your child cannot change sex. That fact is going to be very hard for him to figure out how to live with, but, it is true.

It is ok to grieve for the name you chose for him with such care, and the life you envisaged for your child and to feel confused about this entirely new person that they say that they actually are.

I hope your adult child is able to find support to manage their way through this.

Have a look at:
Have a look at genspect.org
Stella O'malley's podcast "gender through a wider lens"
and (at) CAN_SG on twitter

and have a look at (at) Tullip on twitter, there's a couple of threads about him on FWR. He's about to sue his gender clinic because he does not now think he should have fast tracked to transition.

Affirmation is, according to Hilary Cass, "not benign" and so I'd be asking for differential diagnosis to rule out other reasons for your son's gender feelings. Make sure he's not neurodiverse, struggling with sexuality, has a history of trauma or any of the other causes of sudden gender issues - because none of those causes of gender issues respond to transitioning treatment.

If he is actually gender dysphoric then be cautious about medical or surgical interventions. As Tullip's case shows, they aren't all that.

Good luck. You'll manage, you love your kid.

He’s the same person. He’s just currently expressing himself differently at the moment. That might change, it might not.

He is not dead. Dealing with that is a completely different scale of tragedy. It’s quite insensitive to compare the two.

I am so sorry. You are not alone in this bizarre place & it IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I could have written your post a few years ago. I have been told at every turn I am transphobic for even raising my feelings. Its the loneliest place & I know how little empathy there is for us mums. I have little advice other than sending you my love. X

I'm not grieving the life I wanted for him. I am grieving my life. I spent 20 years of my life raising my son. If I do not have a son any more, please tell me.

This is what I want to know. All I want to know is what happened to my son. Do I not have a son any more, that's all I want to know.

Then I can grieve.

When he was born, I would not have cared what sex he was. But I know I had a baby boy. This is my life, my experience, my history. I just need to know if that is all gone.

If he is not my son, what happened to my son. That's all I want to know.

Hi. This was always a dreadful of mine in respect of my youngest son who is almost 32 and openly declared his gay orientation at 17.

I never had a problem with that but I did grieve in one or w respects. The main one was the lack of grandchildren from his relationship. Just because he is gay does not mean he would not have been a great father. Now in a relationship, he has confirmed they do not want a family. I am fine with that now, but 15 years ago it hurt.

So your son really does have a close bond with you and hopefully you will come to enjoy that again respective of how he chooses to express his gender. There will be gifts chosen for you, lunches and times spent together which will be so precious. As mums we are the guardian's of our children's future and pathway and this we must respect.

I would urge you to seek support from a suitable agency as it may help you to move down this process if you have contact with a peer group. There will likely be publications out there which may be helpful. At the end of the day what matters is love, respect and understanding. I hope and pray that both yourself and your son will give this to each other xx

You still have a son. That's who you gave birth to & raised. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This is my life, my experience, my history. I just need to know if that is all gone.

Of course not. Those things happened. Nothing can change that.

Thank you. I am very confused. I am told that I no longer have a son. I have a daughter. I don't know how to understand that as a real fact.

It isn’t a real fact. It’s how your son wants to be referred to at the moment. It’s fine to believe that he can’t change sex but to love him regardless.

Your child is still the same. He is just choosing to present himself differently.

I do love him.

I am being told that I don't have a son.

This is the cause of my grief. I know I have a son. I know that. I gave birth to him, I loved him, I nurtured him.

If I don't have a son any more, I want someone to tell me that. To tell me that my son is dead. So that I can grieve him and that others will be accepting of my grief.

If I don't have a son, tell me, please. That's all I want to know. If he is gone, if he is 'dead' like his name, then tell me and let me process my grief.

Why am I expected to just cry silently into my pillow each night.

Where is my son, what happened to him. That is all I want to know.

Your son has morphed into your daughter, just like a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Your child is evolving - embrace the future and cherish past memories

Please contact the Bayswater support group who will be able to help you.
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk
There are many parents in a similar situation who will be able to offer advice and help you through this. Good luck.

But humans do not morph.

I don't want comparisons to animals. Sorry, my son is not a caterpiller,

And dead people don’t walk around living their lives.
Your son is still alive. He is not dead. Please stop phrasing it like that.
It’s really upsetting to those of us who have lost people young like your son. I would love to have my cousin dressing as a woman rather than in a coffin after a heart attack before thirty.

Your son is not dead.

FFS.

He's a grown ass adult male who is in some sort of distress that is making him want to change the fundamentals of who he is.

This mother is upset, and I can see why.

@MySon follow the links. You'll find some good advice on there from parents who have been sat where you are now.

Probably not much Eric Carle to be had on the links, but, that's maybe not a bad thing.