What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

You keep asking the same question despite people giving you answers.

No. The sex of my child was never important. My lived experience with my child is important to me. I know I had a baby boy. I know it. It can't be erased from my memory. All I want to know is, if he no longer exists, what happened to him. Is that so bad, that a mother wants to know?

I think you are being harsh. I don’t know you child, but young child needs you to understand. Focusing on your experience and your pain is going to lead you to really lose the relationship with your child. I cannot relate, but I have friends who children have gone through this and it is uncomfortable at first, it is your child’s life.

No one has told me if I have a son or not.

All I want to know is, if he no longer exists, what happened to him

I’m sorry OP but I will say again, no one on this thread can tell you the answer.

You need to speak to your child, once you have allowed time to process this.

You need to respect their wishes and feelings going forwards. Just as much as they need to respect yours.

This thread can be a hand hold for you if you are wanting support. But none of us can give you the confirmation or answers you are wanting.

Just tell me, yes or no.

All I want to know is what happened to my son. Do I have a son or not?

That's it.

Thank you.

You don't want to know my honest thoughts, as they are very harsh. What I will say is I hope you aren't carrying on this melodramatically around your child.

You have a child. You and your child have a history. Your child will continue to live their life. Your reaction and behaviour will determine if you are in it .

Why would you want anonymous strangers on the internet to tell you if you have a son or not?

Why do ours opinions matter so much?

Some users may think “Yes, of course you have a son”. And some users may think “No. You no longer have a son now. You have a daughter”.

Are our words really going to dictate YOUR feelings?

Only your child can express to you how they wish to be known. How they wish for you to know them as.

Stop asking us.

No one has told me if I have a son or not.

Lots of posters have answered exactly that.

I don’t think anybody can answer that question in a way that you will accept or agree with.

Counselling in real life is probably the best way to work through your feelings.

@FlissyPaps I have spoken to him. He says that he is a woman. He is 23 years old.

Is he my son or not?

I'm probably not phrasing this right, but all I want to know is what happened to my son. If he is not my son, what happened to my son,

That's it. I'm sorry if this is not clear. I just want to know why I don't have a son any more according to other people when my own memory is that I do have a son. That is why I asked if he 'died' which I know is not the right term but I don't know any other way to describe the loss of my life experience.

Do you believe in gender ideology? I don’t. So yes, you have a son.

How exactly do you promise that @babyrocket ? I presume you didn’t see the thread on here about the bloke who had his genitals removed and regretted it the moment he woke up from the operation and feels nothing down there and can’t even pee properly?
these bloody “it’ll all be ok” platitudes help no one

And yes of course you have a son.
you gave birth to a boy ergo he’s your son, that’s immutable fact.

I’m sorry, but no one on this thread can tell you as none of us know your child.

Have they said to you they want you to refer to them as “daughter” going forwards?

You just need to keep speaking to them. Ask them these questions. They will answer you. We can’t.

You need to be 100% honest with them about how you feel, your sadness and confusion. Ask them everything you’re asking here. But please, keep an open mind. Ask them for a deep, understanding and fair discussion. If you love them you need to accept their wishes. They will need your support and you will need theirs.

The past cannot be changed.

You cannot delete your own history.

Lots of people that have now ‘de transitioned’ are sharing the reality. Some very sad stories. It’s very much not ok.

@k1233 I do want to know your honest thoughts. That's why I asked. Can you please tell me if I still have a son or not.

I did not think this would be a difficult question to ask. I know I am struggling with this but I thought I would get straight forward answers here.

This is what I want to know. Do I have a son or not.

@PurpleDaisies Lots of posters have answered exactly that.

Have they? Some posters have said that he is still my son. I don't think anyone has said outright that he isn't.

Am I to take it then that, despite what he says, he is still my son?

You see my dilemma here. What I know in my heart is at odds with what he is telling me. I had a son. I birthed a boy. I nurtured a boy. All I wanted from this thread was to know whether or not I still have a son.

I told you. Yes, you still have a son. This is reminding me forcibly of the garage owner in The Grapes of Wrath.

My suggestion? Drink a pint of water and go to bed.
When you wake up, take two aspirin/paracetamol/ibuprofen. You may feel the need to apologise again to all the people on this site who have lost children (in a permanent sense).
My feeling is that 23 years ago you gave birth to a baby. The midwife may well have said, "It's a boy" but that has very little meaning in terms of your child's life, long term; their feelings and abilities, joys and heartaches.
It is believed, by more and more people, that too much emphasis is placed on "male" and "female". Others believe that mistakes are being made. It is very clear that things are not so simple as some believe.
When you are ready, you'll get the most useful info from your child. They will be able to tell you how they feel, and perhaps some of the heartrending agony of the path that has led them to confide in you. It will probably help your child to talk things through with you (provided you can try to be sympathetic and understanding). At some point (but not necessarily right now) it might help your child to hear of your own feelings.
If you don't feel able to greet this new information from your child in a positive way, it will probably be best to "keep mum" for now.
I wish you strength and understanding. If this is all new to you, then you are "on a learning curve".
And finally, for now I suggest you don't keep asking that same question over and over. It is unlikely to get you any useful information, and quite likely to cause considerable hurt.

This is ridiculous if its real.

Do you believe in gender ideology?

If you don’t, it’s very simple, you have a son.

If you do, you can do all sorts of mental gymnastics and ‘be kind’ type stuff that may mean you say you have a daughter. But the reality is that you still have a son.

Bottom line, you have a son.

If this is even real.

The basic answer is You have a child, you have a biological son who you birthed and supported, that bioloigcal son has identified to you they do not feel they should have been a son but instead a daughter. Your supportive parenting showed them that they could be who they wanted to be and helped them identify that. On occasion this can be a hormonal imbalance, social confusion etc, but the likelihood is that your child is and has always been feeling trapped within their given gender and identifies more closely with the opposite gender. You need to show support, kindness and guidance to this new individual in their journey of discovery.

You gave birth to a son, you raised a son. The son became an adult and has now decided to live their life the way they feel. They feel like they were born in the wrong body, and identify themselves as female. So now they would like to live the rest of their life that way. They are still your child, and as a parent you should want them to live whatever life makes them happy, and they were clearly unhappy living it as a male.
Yes, it is a huge adjustment for you, but no, they don't want you to consider them as your son anymore, but as your daughter.
Please be grateful that you have a living child, and that others have not been so lucky, and they would not care how their child wanted to be known to the world, if they could have them back.

@SexyBastardSmile yes it's real, unfortunately. I believe I have a son.

It's just so hard to be made out to be the bad guy for just having knowledge of my own life, my own experiences as a young woman and a mother. What I know to be true is, unfortunately, the opposite of what he wants me to express.

It makes me question what I know in my head. I needed someone to talk to about this so thanks to everyone that has responded.

You have a daughter as that is what your child has told you they are.