What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

There's absolutely no logic to this. If someone tells you they're a guitarist when they have never used a guitar in their life, does that make them one? If a white person tells you they're black, does that make them one? If an adult tells you they're a child, does that make them one? Obviously, the answer to all these questions is no. What makes gender so different?

I think some counseling could really help you.

You have a son , your child has been and always will be genetically male. Nothing at all can change that fact. Your son can call himself what ever he likes , dress however he likes but he will always be a man. He's not dead , the past mattered, your life and his life together mattered . I can understand why his wish to obliterate all those memories is incredibly hurtful to you , you are being told that it's gone , not to be mentioned again and that your son and who he was is dead , this is the type of language that is used. Yet there will be no funeral , no process to help you grieve. You are just expected to nod and smile at this madness. I really hope you reach out to a professional for support , to people who have been through this shock and massive change.

Your son still exists, he has just found a label for his personality, which at the moment he prefers to use.
If he were my son, I like to think I wouldn't make a big deal of it, unless he was planning to something drastic, in which case I might ask him if he has spoken to anyone about how he actually feels, a professional, not someone on the internet.
Of course none of us really know how we would act in your situation, and I hope you can get some support for yourself.

I don't know if this is of help, but if you really think about it your child is still there. Gender is only one aspect of a person. I have always been a tomboy for example. Looks don't really matter in some cases. You can act like a boy and be a girl and vice versa. The only thing separating me from a transgender person is that I don't feel like my gender is male and I don't want to look like male. But otherwise as a person I am way more masculine than feminine. I like stuff that boys usually like, but I am a girl. Sometimes I have been thinking if I could even pass for a boy... Maybe if I changed how I looked like. Would my parents think it was weird? Yes, I am pretty sure they would think it is weird. They would probably want to talk about it with me.

The thing is your child is still who he is deep down. If changing his gender makes him feel wholesome and happier, I think it is a good thing. But I think it is ok for you to be shocked or surprised. I would still advise you to face your child pretty much as normal. Discuss about it with him. Why does he want to change his gender? How does it make him feel? Tell him you love him and try to make sure he is doing it for the right reasons. I don't think there is anything else to do. He is an adult who can make choices for himself. But in no case do I think you lost him as your child. I am sure when you get to know him more after these news you will see your child is still there even if some things change about him. I think if it truly makes him happy and he is sure about it, then he is on the right track. The only concern would be if he comes to regret anything later. He should make sure he doesn't.

@youngyankee OP is asking a question that doesn't have a yes/no answer, but she's insisting on a yes/no answer. OP's child is identifying as a female, if OP doesn't want to alienate them then providing support for and acceptance of this decision is required. All of the analogies you have provided are not black or white examples, they involve shades of grey - if I pick up a guitar and say I'm a guitarist, all you're arguing about is whether I'm as good as the other guitarists you know. I'm still a guitarist.

I do think some counselling would be helpful to process your feelings. You had a baby and a toddler and a teenager too but none of them are dead. I hope you can feel better and continue to love and enjoy your child however they live their life.

Of course you still have a son. You have birth to a boy child with a penis. You brought him up. Now he tells you he wants to be female. As long as he has a penis you have a son. Your son may dress as a female, wear make etc. But ultimately this is how your child is choosing to live his life it does not change his sex, only his gender which is socially constructed and can change. Sex can't change it is based on chromosomes. Until such point the child has no penis, then you still have your son. To keep him you will help to call him by his new chosen name, support his new choices even if you don't agree with them. At some point before having penis surgically removed many transgender change their minds and revert back to birth sex. Be there in his life for if and when that happens. Don't agree to throw away all his baby and childhood photos as I know many trans demand.

You don't have to believe it.

Unfortunately because he's your son and you are his mother you will have to do what you did when he was 3 and said he was a cat; smile and nod. Maintain the relationship. Because he will need you the other end.

Because he's not 3 I think you can say that it's difficult for you as you spent 20 years loving a growing boy. I also think you can say you worry about long term health risks if he's taking any cross sex hormones.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria post at 00.37 is spot on.

As long as your son is happy the that is honestly all that matters.
I know it must be hard for you, but if he is able to make his own decisions then that is something positive. My son can't.

I too have a 23 year old son who has never experienced the wider world at all.
He is severely disabled and never spoken a word all his life.
He's never had friendships or relationships, never read a book or written his name, he can't send emails or chat on the phone or walk independently down the street.

For his first year of life, I had absolutely no idea. His development appeared normal.
Then he gradually started drifting away from me.

I had to let go of the little boy I thought I had.

I would give anything for him to have a life of independence and freedom.

Your son has been able to make his own choices, and what is more he can talk to you and tell you what is on his mind.
That is something that should never be taken for granted.

@MySon I urge you to read The Road To My Daughter by Elisabeth Spencer. It's written by a mother who faced exactly the same dilemma and exactly the same questions. It's a beautifully written, sensitive, and well researched memoir that takes an intelligent middle road to trying to figure out what the hell happened, and how to navigate this new life as a mother to someone she doesn't even know. As someone who's been through similar I can't recommend it highly enough.

When it gets personal, I think it's important to not worry so much about gender politics, and whether you think people can have male/female gender when their sex is defined as the opposite.

I think, in your circumstance, it's important to put the relationship with the person first. This is your child. If you want to have a strong relationship with them going forward, knowing that you have a son is less important than respecting their wish to be known as your daughter. Try to learn to refer to them in the way they wish to be known.

It's okay for you to know you have a son. It's also okay for them to want to be considered to be your daughter. Maybe in time you will be able to accept that they are your daughter, maybe you won't. But this is just the start of the journey for you both. Be patient, with yourself and with them.

You gave birth to a BABY boy. Your child is no longer a baby but an adult. Do you grieve the baby they were or celebrate the adult they have become? Or a bit of both? People change as they grow and develop. You might not always agree with their identities, beliefs and decisions. That's fine but you should respect them.

Your child is still your child, just their gender has changed. Perhaps you should examine your prejudices to see why you've taken this so hard? What will change with how your relate to your child? Does it REALLY matter so much what name they choose or which pronouns they use? Are these really the fundamentals? Think about WHY you love your child and whether any of this actually changes.

I'm not saying this isn't hard. I'd find it very challenging if one of my kids was transgender, so much of how we relate to society is bound up in our gender. But my kids are so much more than just their gender and I hope I could get past my own feelings to support my kids through what must be a challenging time for them too. And I think you need to pull yourslef together and do that too.

He's still a man and he always will be, no matter what clothes he wears or surgery he gets.

You had a child. You still have the same child, they are just using a different name and pronouns. Because they are doing that you have realised that your perspective on who they are is different from their perspective on who they are. That will have implications for the future but they are exactly the same person, even if they don't yet understand that.

Some animals actually do. Like clown fish - but that’s irrelevant.

your baby had and does have a biological
sex that we as humans named male - xy chromosomes and you named and nurtured that person that boy & man. That can not be erased and he is not dead biology exists and he is still
him.

however gender is a society concept of male and female including how we like we should look as a certain gender and behave etc this is entirely a society concept - this is their belief in how they want to present to the world hence - gender reassignment surgery

name changed - there is no dead name there is a legsl
previous name. I am camilla smith but prior to marriage / deed poll change or whatever I was Emma John or whatever this is the name you want people to call you. Again society dictates that camilla is a girls name or John is a male name - this is words we use to describe ourselves

then of course their is your sexuality - or as I prefer who is anyone you wish to be with, attracted to and so on - this is for you to describe if you want

he is redefining himself - he is still he and has history that is no dead - your son isn’t dead

he is healthy and hopefully happy redefining himself
support him

• this is not about you


• embrace him


• and say I love you 😍 I’ll call you whatever you want but I loved you before and I love you now and I love you in the future and I will help snd support and love you to become the person that you want and how you want to define it


• stop crying this is not about you

I understand your need to grieve the son you thought you had. But the person you had is still there, unchanged. Your son has always been transgender, you just didn't know it.
We as parents have expectations and hopes. We talk to our friends with pride about what our children are doing, how they are, about their partners, children, jobs etc., and all of a sudden that has changed for you, and naturally you are shocked and upset.
All of a sudden you have to adjust to something that is hard for you to accept, to start talking about your daughter and her achievements. You obviously adore your child, and you've always wanted the best for him. Now you need to think that nothing has changed in that regard. You still want the best. If you sit down together and ask what your child wants of you now, I think the reply you would get would be "To accept me as I am, to love me as I am, to treat me as your daughter, which is what I feel inside."
It is about four years since the little grandson I thought I had started insisting he was a girl. We thought it might be a phase but went along with it, and (s)he was just accepted as a little person that we loved. I find it impossible to think of her as a boy now, though of course that may change at puberty, she may decide that her need to be a girl has gone. We don't know. I still think sometimes of the baby boy and the joy he brought to the family, but just as important is the little girl we now have. I hope one day you'll also have the joy of introducing your daughter to your friends with pride, and enjoy the special relationship there can be between mothers and daughters. The quickest way to achieve that is to start now.

He didn’t die. He is still alive and he is still your son, despite what he may of now decided to call himself. 23 is a bit old for all this surely?

Apologies I have not had time to read all of the replies to your thread OP but to answer your question - in the eyes of your child, no you do not have a son anymore. What you do have is a child who is in desperate need of his mum, now more than ever. Personally I would tell my child that I love them for who they are in their heart and I will always be there for them. This could be a phase OP. Your child could be suffering with mental health issues, or it could be something that has changed for life. Either way, support them. I do agree with posters taking offence to you saying dead, but you sound terribly distressed yourself and I hope you also get the support you need. Your child isn’t dead, they need you more now than ever. We don’t have to understand everything but we need to try to be there for those we love regardless. I send you big love.

Oh please; the OP has not seen her son metamorphosise into a daughter. ATM he has not undergone gender reassignement surgery, ergo is still a man.
This isn't some rosy path in the OPs life, can't you see she is devastated by this?

If your child wants to be your daughter, you have a choice to accept that or continue to consider them your son.

It's your choice, not anybody else's choice.

If you don't accede to your child's wishes, there will be consequences which you may not like.

If you do, you have to take time to process it and grieve the son you once had.

Before you exercise your choice, you should find out a lot more about what is going on for your child, about transgender issues, about whether your child is genuinely transgender or has some other issues that need addressing first.

Nobody can take that choice away from you. Your focus should be on your child and informing yourself, not insisting on people on here making that choice for you.

It’s not the same but anyway
I changed my name at uni ,I was trying to heal from childhood trauma .it helped me a lot ,I felt free to move on with my new life .
my mum made it all about her ,she refused to call me by my new name .
said I was rejecting her by rejecting the name she chose for me
it just caused so much stress I had to change it back ..
it cause driving licence issues,passport issues bank account and degree certificate issues.
but she had her own way ,so that was the main thing.

You still have a child. A child who was born male and who you raised as a son. Your child grew up but they are still your child - regardless of their name or clothes. As an adult, your child has decided to identify and express themselves in a feminine way. They are still your child and they are still your son to you but to them they are female and feminine. Respect their choice of how they want to dress and call themselves. Let them be themselves and stop obsessing over the same question that has no right or wrong answer.

I'm as gender critical as they come and mu advice to you is to think of your child not as a boy or girl fundamentally, but a person.

We are all people. Some with willies. Some with fannies. Please don't believe in the gender shite he/she is still your child and alive and well, thank your blessings on that one at least.

The whole concept of deadnaming is so cruel to close family members.

You gave birth to a son, the last 20 years of your life were real and it's gaslighting to expect you to pretend they weren't.