What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

All I want to know is, do I have a son or not.

And if I don't, I want to know what happened to my son.

I'm sorry for the self-indulgence but as a mother this is massively important to me. I want to know if I have a son or not.

Is that a lot to ask?

You need to speak to a councillor.

I have no experience of what you are going through and I am sorry that you are finding it difficult to come to terms with.
However, as a bereaved mother whose son died (and when I say died, I mean he stopped living!) at the age of 24, I find the wording and sentiment of this post really insensitive.
My general feeling is that you need some support to deal with this in a rational way, since this is not comparable with losing a child - son or daughter or anything in between!
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

He is still your son, don't worry. Human beings cannot change sex. He may want to present as female, but he will always be male. There are many reasons why young people identify as transgender. Please do go to the Bayswater group link. I can absolutely assure you that you will be helped.

Your son is not dead. I know you feel lost. I know you are hurting but the child you gave birth to is still alive therefore you don't get to ask if they are dead.

My child is not here anymore. They died. I can assure you that the pain of losing a real living child is not comparable to your son informing you that they are now female. Please don't talk about your child being dead. A dead child has a funeral, a grave and you can't hug them ever again.
Your child is not dead. Your beautiful, precious, intelligent child is still your beautiful, precious, intelligent child. They need your love probably more than ever. Please shower then with love. Accept them. Show them it matters not to you if they are gay, transgender... Love them. They need you so much. Just tell them you are proud of them. That you love them. Hug them tightly. Get some counselling. It will be ok.

I know you were using words like 'dead' to try and put into words something that feels indescribable right now. I know you didn't mean it literally and that it was more an expression of how lost you feel. I'm sure you wouldn't say this to your son. But maybe you should allow yourself time to be glad you have your fantastic child.

I'm so sorry for people who have suffered real losses. I know my grief is nothing compared to yours and I am ashamed of myself for calling my son dead when of course he is alive. Please accept my sincere apologies.

Everything about my son's past life is 'dead to to him' so therefore expected to be dead to me too. That is nothing, I am sorry, I have no other words to express how humble I feel.

I don't know how to explain how I feel in words that won't take from people who have experienced real loss. I'm so sorry.

@Rolana cross posts, I am so sorry for your loss.

Please seek some support for yourself to help you process this. I don’t think the level of help you need can be found here.

This isn’t the same as a child dying. That pain is incomparable. This is a child changing.

@Rolana
I am glad I am not the only bereaved parent who feels like this…
Someone who has actually lost a child finds it difficult to vocalise that and the choice of language being used here is so inappropriate- in the broadest sense of the word.

@Rolana Also, thank you. I think I really needed to hear that to ground myself.

You still have a son who may be mentally unwell. So many men think they are women and that presenting as women, they will suddenly become happy and their life will be complete. What most find is that they are not accepted as women, either by the majority of women or by men and their mental health does not improve. There is a website called Trans Widow Voices, which might help a little bit. It is women whose husbands have come out as trans speaking about how they feel. Not the same situation that you find yourself in, but is explains the feelings they have for the person they were married to, sometimes for more than 30 years. Please go see your GP and get on a waiting list for grief counselling. You have to look after yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost.

i was married to a closet gay man for over 10 years. if theirs anything i learnt the best thing is for him to move out and let him decide who he wants to be.
its not your issue he's an adult.

I am struggling to accept that someone who calls their whole history, their whole being 'dead', as real.

It takes away my whole history and I am using their words, not mine, so I am really, genuinely sorry for my choice of words in this post.

All I wanted to know was, if my son is no longer my son, what happened to him.

Maybe people will say he changed into my daughter but that still leaves me with the question, do I no longer have a son?

And that's all I want to know.

I'm so sorry for any offence caused. I'm trying to navigate a way to talk about this without offending anyone and I'm obviously crap at it but I just want to know what happened to my son. If I am told I no longer have a son, I can cope with that; I will move forward and build a new future.

All I want to know is, what happened to my son. Does he no longer exist, might be a better way of framing it.

If I don't have a son any more, I want someone to tell me that. To tell me that my son is dead. So that I can grieve him and that others will be accepting of my grief.

If I don't have a son, tell me, please. That's all I want to know. If he is gone, if he is 'dead' like his name, then tell me and let me process my grief.

We can’t tell you that. Only your son can.

This must have been a huge shock, and your feelings are very much valid. Take some time to digest. Don’t try and rush any feelings or emotions, or try to come to any conclusions too soon.

Just breathe. And feel. Allow yourself time to process.

Then it’s time to speak with your son. You listen to them. And they listen to you. Get a mediator if necessary. There needs to be respect and understanding on both parts.

If you are struggling then please seek professional help too. Wether it’s from any related charities or your GP.

Life might seem like it’s been turned upside down and you are in one huge state of shock and grief at the moment, but I promise everything will be okay 💐

This is the issue that trans people cause others by referring to their previous name and life as dead.

I would just treat your son exactly the same but would try to get him help with his mental heath and dysphoria, not the gender affirming type of therapy though. Going along with any of it would be like agreeing a very underweight anorexic person should continue to not eat or get help, being complicit in their not eating and constant weigh ins.

you're over thinking this one love, i wish you all the best. I went through this heartache when my husband came out. Its been 20 years but the pain is still real.

The best advice i can give you is let him make his decision and you live your life as you are and everything will fall into place. I promise (hugs and kisses)

If he was my husband, I could divorce him if I did not choose to participate in his life choices.

This is my son. I don't want to 'divorce' him. I just want to know whether or not I have a son.

That's it. Is that a lot to ask?

This is my son. I don't want to 'divorce' him. I just want to know whether or not I have a son.

You gave birth to a son. You have 20+ years of memories with a so. No one can take that away from you.

Just because they wish to transition and now be known as a female does not change their soul. They may want to be called a different name, and their appearance may change, subtly or drastically. But that does not mean your child is no longer yours.

Like I said previously, no one on Mumsnet can speak for your child. None of us can confirm your child’s feelings, wishes or preferences. Only they can confirm that.

So please give yourself time to process. Then talk with them.

In my view, yes you still have a son. 23 years old is not too old for social contagion.
I think you need to ask yourself if this would have happened 20 years ago. I think not.

You still have a son, you always had a son, and just because your son and maybe the people around him are talking as if you didn't, doesn't make what they say true.

What your son is doing may be very difficult for him, but it is also difficult for you, with all this rewriting of history.

I think you need your own independent support for this, and not the type of 'support' that tells you "yay, you've got a daughter now", but the kind that acknowledges that you have a son who is behaving in a way that seems inexplicable and even cruel, whether from genuine needs that can only be met this way or through having got caught up in it from some other motivation.

You may choose to go along with this, and with his wishes, and treat him socially as if he was female, use a new name and so on. Maybe it is what he needs, and hard as it is, it's not impossible that it could be the right way to support him.

However, privately, to yourself and to your own sources of support, you are always, always allowed to hold on to what you know, that you had, and have a son. Everything you experienced while bringing up that son was real, regardless of what's happening now. Your son is still here, alive and well, even if he's behaving in a rather unexpected way.

One reply saying they’re ‘the exact same person’, the very next saying ‘your boy has become someone else’. Get the story straight!

I'm not grieving the life I wanted for him. I am grieving my life.

I know it's sudden and a shock but you are looking at this through a very selfish filter.

This is about his/her life, not yours.

He/she was brave enough to talk to you honestly about it.

I hope you have been more supportive in real life than you come across in your posts. Or you really will lose them.

Do some googling, ask people, talk to people. Educate yourself.

You had a child. You still have a child. You seem hung up on gender. Gender doesn't change who your child is - their personality, their likes, dislikes etc. Yes, the future you dreamed for them may be different, but they have a future. Whether you are in it or not will depend on how you choose to manage your reaction. You can seek help eg counselling etc to understand your feelings of loss for the future you thought your child would have and work on how to come to terms with that.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy @k1233

Would you be so kind as to tell me whether or not I have a son?

This is all I want to know. Please tell me this truth.

You had a child. You seem very hung up on what gender the child was. Wasn't the joy of having a child enough. Did you really experience everything as "I'm walking to school with MY SON" ? It feels like you attached a value to having a son. The inner person, the personality etc haven't gone away.