What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

I would imagine your child used the word ‘dead’ because they needed to be fairly blunt given how you are clearly having a hard time with this and you are allowed to have a hard time, it’s a massive change to everything you thought you knew.

I don’t believe it’s as black and white as whether you’ve lost your son, the human is still there, the same likes and dislikes, the same sense of humour etc.

can I ask if you had ever had any inkling? Wouldn’t be surprised if this was my son at 23 but it would still be a massive adjustment…. and to be honest, worry. As much as I dislike the Kardashian’s the Caitlin episodes (cant remember the exact title) was fairly interesting especially regarding how her children were feeling.

I think at the moment you are like a deer caught in headlights and it’s ok to feel confused, I would suggest you seeking help, perhaps with your child.

It may all come down to the fact you will need to find acceptance or not have them in your life.

I wish you well and to repeat, this isn’t easy.

You had and will always have a male child. Most of us refer to male children as “son” so yes you still have a son. However your son has told you they are transgender and so they may be changing how they look and how they want people to refer to them.

the basic reality that you have a male child will always be there.
it is just the language and their sense of identity that is changing.

I can understand that it must be hard to wrap your head around the change. I do find it odd that parents, partners etc of people who transition are supposed to overnight change their whole understanding about who their loved one is and not show any difficulty or emotional reaction to the sudden change. That feels unrealistic and unfair to me.

I agree that the “dead” language is unhelpful. However I think op is using language that is common in transgender people.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I have taken some time to read and catch up with them all.

I think I have my answer, I think I do still have a son and yes, the 'dead' bit came from him but I won't use that term any more.

At the moment I can't think of him as female and don't know if I ever will. Things are strained between us because I haven't embraced his new lifestyle. It's not just clothes, names and pronouns, he wants me to see him as female and I don't.

Sorry if people think I'm hung up this. Maybe is it just the shock or maybe I can't adapt so easily as many on this thread. I know his transition is not about me but my feelings are about me. He can live his life how he wants, I am just trying to come to terms with living mine as a new reality which, to me, is not real at all even though it is to him.

Did this come as a complete shock to you OP? He gave no indication during childhood and teens that this was on the horizon?

Agreed. Massively insensitive to those who have actually suffered the death of a young person. Please stop phrasing it like that OP. He's NOT dead. You can still hug his warm body, talk to him, look into his eyes. Others cannot.

Well it’s a big ask to expect you to just accept and be happy, especially if it came out of the blue.

Its easy for someone to say they would be cool with it, until you are faced with it you don’t know. I do think it’s ok for you to ask your child to be patient with you, they should understand this is hard for you and should accept you are going to make mistakes.

@Ohthatsexciting yes it has come as a complete surprise. Nothing in the past to indicate he saw himself as a different sex.

Well then i would put money on this passings phase

he is feeling low, it’s all over the news and insta and he is floundering around for a solution.

does he work? Enjoy work? Good social group? Hobbies? I will take a punt and say
No

bode your time op, poker face, say the PC things you need to say to be supportive

but be confident that the tables will turn!

I don't know. I think I have already messed up as I was probably too honest with him. I wasn't horrible, I said I loved him but he said I was transphobic. I don't even know what that means.

It seems that my reality is transphobic. Seeing him as male is transphobic. But if he wasn't male, he wouldn't be transgender would he.

Maybe I am overthinking it. I don't know how other people do this. Do you really just nod and smile and go along with it when he is an adult, not a child. Should I just say yes, my love, you are female even though I don't believe he is?

I think I have my answer, I think I do still have a son and yes, the 'dead' bit came from him but I won't use that term any more.

I think moving on from the ‘Do I have a son, yes or no, if so what’s happened to him?’ angle is the best start you can make in moving forward. It isn’t helping you in any way. The real question is ‘Do I still love my child?’ - and I’m sure the answer is yes. No one can say it will be easy or that there won’t be bumps in the road. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a future for you and your child.

Do you really just nod and smile and go along with it when he is an adult, not a child. Should I just say yes, my love, you are female even though I don't believe he is?

It depends. Is it more important to you to make your point and be ‘right’ in your eyes, or to have a good relationship with your child? Do you really need to make this into one long argument?

Why did you link to the story at all, ‘Daily Wail’ or not? The OP’s child is 23 - way beyond the age of parental intervention when it comes to hormone treatment or surgery. The subject of the article began treatment at 25 - also an adult. What does the article add to the context of the thread?

Do you believe in gender ideology? I don’t. So yes, you have a son.

This is what it boils down to, doesn’t it. If you don’t believe in it, your son is still your son. If you do, then you’re going to believe that either they were your son and are now your daughter or that actually the child you had was your daughter all along even if you didn’t realise. Might take a while to identify which of these is what you believe.

Same for other people. Where their thoughts are will tell them whether they understand your child to be a man or a woman.

They are still here though, exist and have a past with you. That is true whatever your take on gender identity.

But it's not about what the parents believe in, that's irrelevant, it's about what your child believes in.

I'm not religious. If my child came home tomorrow and said she's converting to Islam, she is now Muslim and I must call her by a new Muslim name, I'd respect that. I wouldn't say 'Oh, I don't believe she's Muslim' because I don't believe in Islam - or any religion.
You might not believe in God, you might not believe in any religion. But those religions still exist because others believe in them. You don't have to agree with them but you respect that others believe different to you.

So you go ahead and believe you have a son. And your child will believe they are your daughter. But in the same way you'd respect religious beliefs and not serve a newly converted to Islam child pork or alcohol because you believe it's allowed, you respect the way your child wishes to be addressed and treated.

But the OP doesn’t have to deny anything to herself. She does, however, have to accept that things have changed, and that this is how her child now sees things, even if she disagrees.

I doubt it’s too late. If I were you I would message them and say you are sorry for how you reacted, you were in shock as you had never had any indication and that you are struggling to understand. I would tell them you love them and ask that they be patient with you. (assuming you want a continued relationship)

Its best to not stress over the semantics.

Do you think you missed the signs? If there were no hints I do think they are being unfair to expect you to immediately embrace such a massive change.

Wow.

She doesn’t have to erase her memories which is what you previously stated.

You see I think a loving mother would listen and try to work through something like this. Not simply impose their own beliefs and expect everyone to fall into line with those beliefs, no ifs no buts.

Must be so nice to be so black and white and never even contemplate anything different, regardless of others feelings

Not simply impose their own beliefs and expect everyone to fall into line with those beliefs, no ifs no buts.
Isn't it ironic, doncha think?

You are getting hung up on a word. Son.

Change that to.... person ... and let them live their life as they wish.

We all have hopes for our children and when they decide how to live their life best, that may not concur with what we had hoped. But it's their life and its about them, not us. If they want to live life differently dont cast them out, move on and make new memories.

Not really. There’s a difference between someone saying this is how I feel and this is who I am to someone denying that a person can feel they way the OPs child does.

@Iamdobby63 the OP is talking about her own feelings not those of her child. She didn't say they shouldn't feel how they do.

What I'm trying to say is who decides whose feelings are more important?

I was referring to the post I quoted not the OP

But the question remains the same @Iamdobby63