What happened to my son

[MySon]

My son has told me that he is transgender. This means that, at the age of 23 he sees himself as a woman.

My son says that the name we gave him is his 'dead' name.

My question is - what happened to my son. Did he die?

I feel like I am grieving but not allowed to show or process my grief. What happened to my son, is he dead?

I can understand you are surprised and upset by this but it is not about you ultimately.

Your child is not ''dead'' and you should try to understand them and be supportive.

If you are really struggling speak to a therapist or a charity that support parents in your situation.

What your child is going through must be already difficult enough and confusing enough for them. Don't add to that with dramatics about death...

@MySon you're thinking about this entirely the wrong way. You gave birth to a human being. You raised that human being. They entered adulthood where they now have to make their own way in life and make their own decisions. That human being is still very much alive and at this point probably needs their mother's support more than anything. Nothing about their past has gone or been erased - it is with them and part of them.

23 really isn't too old to be captured by social contagion. His brain won't fully mature for another few years and tbh, I think in some ways that early 20s can be the most dangerous age for making stupid decisions. You are legally an adult with all the freedoms but very possibly few responsibilities. In fact, for an awful lot of people those years are where all the structure of your life suddenly falls off as school/college is over but you probably aren't on a steady career path. And you flounder, looking for something to make your life meaningful.

I'm sure all the lovely childhood memories are not "dead" to your child. I can understand your pain at that huge chunk of your life being seemingly thrown away.
It's perhaps more just been phrased badly with the desire for you to understand they feel more like starting a new phase a new beginning as they are now.
Of course you had a son but then with help and support you can move to having a new relationship however that may blossom.
Give it time and perhaps talk about how you find it hard, that for you you cannot just pretend that part of life didn't happen but you support the next part?
Let all the dust settle and just move forward a day at a time as ppl have suggested there may be counselling or support groups that would help with other parents to talk to.

OP your language in this post is very odd and actually extremely offensive to those of us who have lost children. Your son is not dead, that is ridiculous. You had a child, you still have a child. You no longer have a son, you have a daughter. You are extremely lucky to still have a child and you are extremely lucky you are not the one going through this - your daughter is. Of course it has an impact on you too, but your daughter is the one who has been going through this and who is being brave enough to face the world with it. Either support her or don't, but please don't keep asking for someone to tell you your son is dead.

I couldn't let my son tell me I don't have a son anymore, or what I must say or pretend. I know I would support my son in every other way, and still love him. Name change wouldn't be a problem etc, but I know I couldn't lie or pretend. Trans people's feelings and needs are no more important than other people's - consideration of the feelings of those who love you is required from both sides.

We live on a road of about 100 homes. Three kids on the road are going through this. One mum now has no daughter and four sons, one 17 year old is preparing for the whole surgery once he is old enough. I can't imagine how lonely it is for you mums x

You are getting mixed replies because some posters here believe you can’t change genders and others believe you can.

What were your views on this before your son told you? Did/do you believe that people can be born into the wrong gender?

I think your views on this are important to how you deal with this (appreciate that it’s different to having a view to it actually happening)

You still have a son.

Reality does not change no matter what mental process he has been through to declare he is no longer your son but some other person.

He is not too old to be caught up in social contagion or to succumb to the lure of an ideological cult.

Whether he grows his hair long, tries to dress like a slutty barbie & announces you have to call him the opposite sex or not, he is still & always will be your biological son.

Just as you would grieve if he was seriously mentally ill & had to be locked up for life, you have the absolute right to grieve for the loss of that bright child you could foresee a healthy future for.

It is not all about him.
The narcissistic cult of gender ideology is based on the 'all about him' model.

You have the right to feel however you feel & if that includes revulsion, grief, confusion etc.. it's all just as valid as whatever he says he feels.

You didn't do anything wrong here.
It is not your fault.

You don't have to pretend to believe him or at least call him something fake to his face.
If you don't however, you might lose him completely.
That is your choice.

Do not get rid of old photos etc.. you have to please him however.
Put them somewhere safe he cannot get them if you must, but don't join his melodramatic rewrite of his life.

He doesn't get to rewrite your life to fit his fantasy.

Shes an adult. OP can’t ask for anything, although I tend to agree with the rest of your post

Sorry NRTFT you need to Google this as there will be lots of support online and I don’t know the ins and outs.

Yes your child is still alive and breathing which many parents can only wish for but it’s true that with a transitioning person, the people around them need to time to ‘grieve’ as although they other person isn’t dead they are gone.

I would read up on it and explain how you support him/her but from what you’ve read it’s important that you are given that time to grieve before you can fully accept it.

You have a child. You have memories and history of that child. You have a future with your child. Your child is not dead.

That child looks and identifies differently moving forwards but they’re still your child, whether they’re identifying as male or female.

OP I’m so sorry for your distress. I also realise (as some previous posters seem not to have done) that the death language has been instigated by your son. It must be terribly distressing to find your child referring to their past self as dead, and to their name as a dead name, and expecting you to just go along with that.

Other posters have recommended support groups for parents in your situation, which seems like a good idea. You are not alone in your feelings, others have been through similar situations and they can share with and help you. Also do you have a good friend, or someone you know who you can talk to and know that their first concern will be for you? I think it would be very good if you had the opportunity to unburden yourself a bit with someone.

The OP has addressed the fact she was using the word 'dead'. She was repeating his own words to describe his past.

She appologised profusely at 01.27 and again 01.48.

t’s very insensitive to describe your son as dead. There are actual grieving parents out there who have lost sons who would give anything to have them back as daughters or anything.

I don't think it's fair to dig on the OP about this language - it is the language that transpeople use about their pasts to indicate their break and as we have seen if we don't use similar language we might be accused of trying to undermine their own personal journey. (TBH i really can see where they're coming from, and while i know it's unbearable for people who have lost their children, but what are we to do?)

She is saying it because this is how her son is speaking, this Is how all those who transition speak. They refer to their old self as dead. I've even seen some hold fake funerals for their old selves.

You don't have your baby boy anymore, he grew up into the person he is. Hopefully you love your child enough to accept that.

You have your memories and no one can alter them but you can't hold onto the past, it is gone. You have to live life as it is now, at the moment he isn't able to cope with what you see as happy memories, who knows what was going on for him when you thought it was all fine. Let him deal with his feelings.

@MySon

You're the adult here. Your child is still young, has just told you about a huge decision I imagine they've been struggling with.

If they're now saying things like my past self is dead etc etc, those memories don't exist (I'm assuming this from your post) then you need to be the one to sensibly reassure them, not collapse wailing in the corner. Don't take it personally, see a counseller if you need to express your emotions in this way.

You had a baby boy. You had a teen boy. You now have an adult who's told you they see themselves as a girl.

You wouldn't have a complete breakdown about your baby boy being dead becaue they're now an adult, so in the nicest way possible, have a nice cup of tea with a friend and get hold of yourself. Right now you're making it all about you when it should be about your child x

Sorry to link the daily wail
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10947483/Anguish-young-man-sex-organs-removed-NHS-regretted-day-SUES-NHS.html

No. Some people believe you can't change sex. Gender is made up bullshit designed to put men and women into boxes. Of course people can change gender, it's meaningless.

Gender is made up bullshit designed to put men and women into boxes. Of course people can change gender, it's meaningless.

Since i was a small child i have thought Gender, Gender Roles, Gender Expectations are a huge load of bullshit and have never bought into it. And frankly? If more people thought the same, perhaps some very confused and upset (and more) people would have had happier and more satisfying lives. Embracing the difference would make a lot of sense, now more than ever.

The conflation of sex and gender is serving some people well, others? not so much.

I don't believe in gender ideology, your son is still your son. But you don't want to push him away while he is obviously suffering and needs your love and support. I would question how he feels gently, and encourage him to stay away from medical interventions, but you might have to go along with new names and pronouns for now. Perhaps showing him this article might persuade him that he doesn't need to disown his past:
www.huffpost.com/entry/3-reasons-i-wont-use-the-_b_9575082
It is a trans man talking about why he doesn't use the term 'deadname' and doesn't deny his past as a woman.

You still have a son.

Humans can't change sex.

You have a son who wants to live "like a woman", but he's still your son.

What a weird thread. Of course your son’s not dead. It’s still the same person pretending to be a girl. Maybe not your ideal but clearly what they want, does it really matter what terms they use to describe themselves/what clothes they wear etc?

You probably need time to process what she's saying, it's a lot.

I've not been through it but I would say your son is still there in every single way that you made and nurtured him except he now wants to become a woman. Who is he is not defined by his gender and the child you raised is so much more than anatomy. Every memory you have and everything you love is still there.