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Original poster

Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

470 replies

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP posts:
420Bruh · 19/06/2022 09:03

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry ❤️ I think it's fine to be (privately) sad and to grieve allow yourself that.

frazzledasarock · 19/06/2022 09:03

Will their father and SM, want to have your DC living with them full time?

Blankscreen · 19/06/2022 09:04

This must be hard.

50/50 is a fair split I would say

What are their reason for wanting to stay at their dads more. Is it because of practical things like having more space etc.

I think unless your relationship has really broken down then 50/50.shpuld remain.

How far apart distance wise are both houses?

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Original poster
HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:05

Father and SM have already discussed it with them. This was the kids coming to let me know

OP posts:
Fluxcapacitator · 19/06/2022 09:05

I'm sorry OP, it sounds a horrible situation for you. Does the dad want them full time? Is it just the material side that is 'better' at his? Do you have fun together at your house?

Fluxcapacitator · 19/06/2022 09:05

I'm sorry OP, it sounds a horrible situation for you. Does the dad want them full time? Is it just the material side that is 'better' at his? Do you have fun together at your house?

Original poster
HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:08

Houses are a few miles apart, not much but either side of a busy town. They wouldn’t need to change schools as arrangements already in place.

Their reasons: more space, “it’s just easier” ie they don’t have chores, they go out to eat more, have more days out. Older teen I understand as her college/job is that side of town.

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 19/06/2022 09:09

I am so sorry to read this, you must feel so disempowered.

your ex is a twat, ruined your relationship and now taking the kids.

You might find the reality of them living there isn’t what they thought, they very well may come back.

hugs op xxx

KazzaN · 19/06/2022 09:09

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

I had the same!
One DD, (age 17) her father is much wealthier than me.
Went to live with him last year after we had a row,I was absolutely devastated.
She stayed two weeks then came home!
I get how you feel but tbh I think they will be back...money isn't everything x
Sending hugs xxx

SalaDaeng · 19/06/2022 09:12

I would let them go but tell them you love them and they are always welcome and can come back to you any time.
As they get older they will appreciate everything you have done for them.
I think it would be better to do this than turn it into an emotional battle.
I think this is a manifestation of teenage development. Think of it as allowing them to grow up.
It is hard for you, but take the long view.

JackieQueen · 19/06/2022 09:12

Sorry op, that's really tough for you💐. You'll always be their mum though, no-one can take that away from you, what ever else they've taken. They will always have a strong bond with you ❤

SweetSakura · 19/06/2022 09:12

I am so so sorry. This is my biggest fear.

But a relationship with children is more than just their flighty materialistic teenage years.

Navigate this carefully now and play the long game - let them know you are always there for them and love them whatever they choose.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/06/2022 09:12

I am so sorry op. This must be so tough.

Original poster
HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:14

We have fun at mine I think. Not the same as they do at their dads, we do “free” things, walks, movie nights.

OP posts:
FoxedAntiqueMirrors · 19/06/2022 09:15

I’m in the same boat OP, similar age range with a toxic XP in the mix. I don’t post much on here because XP knows I’m on MN and has quoted my previous posts to me in the past (now NC) but 💐, it is pretty devastating.

Afterfire · 19/06/2022 09:15

SweetSakura · 19/06/2022 09:12

I am so so sorry. This is my biggest fear.

But a relationship with children is more than just their flighty materialistic teenage years.

Navigate this carefully now and play the long game - let them know you are always there for them and love them whatever they choose.

This.

I feel so sorry for you but as someone with an adult dd I think yes play the long game - younger teens are awful for seeing everything in terms of money / flashy “stuff” but as they get older they do realise there’s more to life than that. You will always be their Mum and if they know you love them (as I’m sure they do) they’ll come back in time- maybe not to live, but to rely on you emotionally.

Fluxcapacitator · 19/06/2022 09:15

Can't imagine the wife is going to be that pleased, three teens moving in full time who do no chores and don't help out at all. Sounds unsustainable to me.

Gigi42p · 19/06/2022 09:16

I think you should have broken down infront of them OP.

They're teenagers, not young children and they need to know the consequences of their decision and action.

It's not a bad thing for a teenager to know how much they can break their parents heart. They could be at a phase where 'money matters' and actually you being calm and together about it might have the undesired effect of them thinking you don't particularly care.

I'm not suggesting emotional manipulation. But some tears and a 'this is devasting to hear' I need some time to come to terms with it.....Is not a bad thing and maybe something your kids need to counteract their fathers materialism.

SalaDaeng · 19/06/2022 09:17

I have a dear friend who was in a similar situation. Husband had an afffair, behaved very badly around finances etc.
He kept most of the money etc, she was left with tiny house, not much money. Teens went to live with dad. New wife had no idea about living with teenagers. The reality was a shock.
It all worked out in the end and she has a really close relationship with her dc.

Mindymomo · 19/06/2022 09:17

I am so sorry for you, it must really hurt to hear this. Is there any way instead to increase their time with him to one more night each week and see how it goes, don’t be afraid to tell them how upsetting it would be for you to only see them EOW. Teenagers can be selfish, only thinking of themselves, so I would try and compromise. Maybe start in school holidays. Also you don’t have to agree to it, but sit down with them and talk about exactly why they want to go to their Dads.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 19/06/2022 09:17

Op my 3 dc spent more and more time with Disney df... Until 1 stopped coming. Then 2. Then drugs and parties were allowed.. Then 2 came back ft... They needed a parent not a cool mate.
Ime your efforts haven't been in vain. Their df will be in for a shock I imagine.
Just think of the food shop he is now in for!

JennyForeigner · 19/06/2022 09:20

My brother did this in similar circumstances (local to college, more money and not 50/50 so tbh I think a bit of a teenage thing - testing the boundaries with mum who was the real heart of our lives).

He hated it. Came back after a few weeks finding it wasn't at all the same. My mum had been iron-willed and nothing but encouraging and I think that made all the difference. It can be ok x

Bunnycat101 · 19/06/2022 09:21

Could you propose a different counter so you get more time at yours? So maybe at least one midweek night plus the Eow? if space is an issue could you alternate who comes so they get 1;1 time with you and not sharing midweek?

I can see why you’d be upset- it must sting especially after doing the bulk of the work (and presumably struggling through) when they were younger.

Original poster
HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:21

Their step mother is fully supportive. They’ve had IVF issues and haven’t managed to have children of their own, she loves having them there.

I didn’t break down in front of them because ex had already given me the “heads up” kids want to tell you something don’t get upset their worried about hurting your feelings speech

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 19/06/2022 09:22

When your kids are older and fully adult they will be able to see the situation clearly and not through self centred eyes that just want an easy life and their own needs met. They are incapable of thinking about you as a person with needs and feelings of your own at this stage. You are just good old mum who has always been there for them and you sound like a really great mum who thinks of her childrens happiness first .
It must be devastating though and v unfair but play the long game. One day the penny will drop that he broke his family and walked away whilst you have always been their rock and none can replace that in their lives.

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