Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

Oh I’m so sorry OP, this is my biggest fear ( similar circumstances with much wealthier ex).

I think you handled it really well and agree with others that playing the long game and supporting them in this is the way to go. We don’t own our children, they have the right to make these decisions.

But it is shit for you and can imagine just how devastating it feels.

I'm not sure why he's being called a Disney Dad on here. He's been doing 50% of the parenting for the last six years, so not more a Disney parent than the OP. As they have more income, they are able to provide the children with a bedroom each and holidays. This isn't to try to buy the children's affection as some have said, but a normal thing to do if income allows for it. Having their own rooms in particular will be a huge pull at their age.

OP, it must be difficult for you but I don't think you can control where teens stay. It should be up to them where they live, and if it gets taken to court then their views will count. They are lucky that they have two parents who both want to live with them full time. Maybe they'll decide they want more time than EOW at your house in time and maybe not, but I think the most important thing is to keep the relationship with your children open. I wouldn't break down in front of them, but let them know you'll miss them and they will always have a home with you.

Oh you must be gutted. I'm so sorry.

While I think it's good to control your emotions to a certain extent, I do think you should tell them you are really sorry to see them go, will miss them terribly but as their mum you just want them to be happy so you won't object etc. Tell them they are always welcome back at any time for any reason.

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. In the fullness of time, they will come to realise the impact on you. Don't let this create division. Maintaining the relationship is key.

I think this is good advice as long as your honesty doesn't tip over into emotional manipulation. Make it clear to them that you are very sad to see them go, and that you will miss them, but you understand they will have more space and more material goods there. Tell them they are welcome back any time for whatever reason and reiterate this every time they come for the weekend.

They are underestimating how much they will miss you once the novelty of more space has worn off.

Before going through the rigmarole of cancelling CB, changing permanent address etc, I would suggest they do a trial month.You can just put the CB in a pot for clothes, shoes, phones etc.

Slightly different take. How would you have handled it if they said they wanted to be with you full time and not see their dad, except EOW?

What would you have done or arranged? Would you have given your ex a heads up that the kids wanted a difficult conversation? Would you give them the freedom to choose or insist of something different?

There is nothing here to suggest the dad is a Disney dad, or he is manipulative. He is just as much their parent as the mum is.

If they would agree, then 1 night in the week sounds good, especially if you can do it 1-2-1 and make a fuss of them (doesn’t have to cost just giving them time and attention). So they keep your house as ‘home’ and keep some stuff there. And make sure they know the door is always open.

Oh bless you! I would let them go but be quite honest that you will be sad (they need to know this otherwise they can later say you didn’t care etc). Tell them they have a home with you always. If no keys get them one and tell them they can come anytime and there will always be a meal and a bed they dint need to let you know. Tell them to call or text whenever they need a chat or help and advice. Make sure you text them all everyday and a goodnight text every night. I bet they come back x

Actually I would let them know how upset you are.
Teenagers are not very empathetic and are very self centered , if you paint on a smile they will take it at face value.
I would certainly tell them you won't stand in their way and they can change their minds any time but that you want them to know how sad this makes you.

Absolutely this.

Whilst of course you are devastated and take this personally, this is your teens flexing their independence.

I think the long calm game is the key.

Telling them that of course you will miss them so much but that you respect and support their decision.

That their home with you will always be there for them.

The key thing is you don't have a choice here really.

So it comes down to how you want the narrative to go.

"Calm, supportive and positive."

"Upset, heart broken and refusing to accept this new reality"

You sound like a wonderful mother and I think you will teach them a lesson about motherly love that will remain with them to the end of their days, that is, putting their wants ahead of yours.

I wouldn't allow them see any tears if you can.

Let them go with positivity and smiles.

Let this be another sacrifice that you have
offered up for them.

Long term they will know.
Hold on to that.

Wishing you strength.

I have some sympathy for this pojnt of view , not a full on crying fit with resulting scene, but just a few genuine tears so they know that this decision has upset you

I'm going through the same. My teen DD is living with her dad after we had a row about her doing chores and me mistakenly thinking that I was doing the right thing by trying to instill values and a moral compass. He thinks and told her she doesn't have to do what I say and can do as she pleases. Guess where she's living now. It's horrific. It's been 3 weeks and I have no words that will help you. But I'm so sorry because it's truly awful.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Breaking down crying and showing them how upset you are would be a little bit manipulative and might make them stay, but only out of guilt. This may then make them feel resentful towards you.
Much better to be supportive of them and wait for it to inevitably blow up and then all ask to come home.
Ultimately, you want them to be happy, right? This can only be achieved if they feel they have some control in their decisions.

I am so sorry OP. Your ex is a shit - he should have made it clear to them that the contact is 50/50. He should be supporting your role in their life.

You are right, Karma is bullshit. Life is not fair.

I have to say I want to leave my H and am trying to work towards it, but this has given me pause for thought. I would be far, far poorer than my H if I left, I would really struggle, and my kids are boys. Its natural for them to gravitate to him as they get older, and if he was so much richer....

You have my every sympathy.

I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking to hear, but it's important to know it's not that they love you less, it's simply the physical, practical things are better there.

Try to see positives. Presumably the ex won't want maintenance for you. Hopefully he has a tiny piece of decency left where you are concerned?

You've done a great job. Your kids will always be part of you and will appreciate time with you more. Make your own life now. Meet new people and have more time to yourself.

Projecting what? Stop with the pop psychology. It's ridiculous.

Her kids are doing nothing wrong but you're advising her to cry and tell them she is devastated. You're not advising her to talk openly about missing them but wanting them to be happy and being grown up about telling them she'll be sad. You're telling her to cry and be devastated in front of them.

That is manipulative. That is trying to make them feel guilty.

You find out your husband has had an affair then go ahead and cry and tell him he has devastated you because he has actually done something wrong and deserves to know the hurt it has caused. But your kids want to stay with their dad? They're are doing absolutely nothing wrong and sitting infront of them crying and telling them they have devastated you is cruel and manipulative and just trying to make them feel guilty when they have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Feel like that in private. Don't make them sit there after asking for something totally reasonable and watch you fall apart.

I feel for you. My ex tried this too, I explained to DS that I would support what he wanted and would be there for him all the time but that he also needed to be aware that he wouldn’t be able to come back to live withme easily as, if he moved to his dad’s, I would lose the tax credits and therefore would need to let go of the house. But I also told him that if he wanted to go, I would be ok and I would find a way (he has absolute faith I am able to work my way out of any difficulty so I was not playing a violin saying this, just establishing the facts)

If you are in the same situation, I suggest you mention it to them as they may be thinking it would be possible to change their minds in the future and it may not be that easy as they think.

Well I think he’s a bit of a cunt to be honest. Given the children’s reasons for moving, I don’t think he should allow it. Their reasons for wanting to be with him are about having ‘stuff’ or being able to be lazy, not doing chores etc. He’s a bit stupid to not realise the danger of that. A good dad would recognise the importance of a good relationship with a good mum for his children and try to even things up a bit to keep it 50/50 with you. Some maintenance, got their benefit, and making them do chores at his house would be a start. I think it’s likely he’ll have some very difficult teens on his hands if he’s okay with encouraging such shallowness over supporting his children’s relationship with their mum. But then he sounds like a very disappointing man in general.

I’m angry for you OP and I hope your children realise sooner rather than later that ‘stuff’ isn’t everything. As for whether you should hide how you’re feeling from them, it wouldn’t be a choice for me, I wouldn’t be able to hide it.

Oh my goodness , my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry my love ❤️

Please remember the grass is always greener. They might initially feel like it's better over there but wait and see ... it might not stay like that for good.

In the meantime, please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Sending love x

I went to live my with father when my parents got divorced. I didn’t love either of my parents more but my life was much more comfortable at my dads house. I had a big room and another room with a desk for studying and tv/sofa for my friends coming round. As an older teenager it was a better set up than sharing one room in a tiny terrace. I didn’t have any privacy at my mums which was important to me as a teenager. Studying on the dining room table sharing one computer was difficult.

My mum regularly berated me for living with my dad for ‘the money’. It affected our relationship for a long time. I’d be very careful listening to some of the advice given on this thread.

What reason did your children give for moving?

I know it's framed as about the easy life and money but is that what they actually said? I don't know that they are being cruel, they are exploring the options available to them. They would leave home some day. It's absolutely ok to grieve for the plan that you had in mind but that doesn't make it wrong for them. I left home at early age and was called selfish but I was just finding my own way. I had my own reasons but could see how my mum felt like it was something much more personal than it was.

Did it not affect your relationship with your Dad that he left your mum in such poverty? It does not sound like there was a fair share of assets on divorce.

It's good to know that their worried about hurting your feelings. I think it's OK to say to them that you will really miss them when they're away so much - don't downplay your feelings too much.

Either you're manipulating what i said to suit your argument or your compression is too low to have a proper discussion. Either way I'm out.

Have a good day!

It's not a lack of moral compass or cruel for them to want to live with one parent a greater time than with the other. Would they be being cruel if they decided to see less of their father? If the children move back to the ops house and say to their mother they don't want to see so much of their dad, which would be hurtful to him, would you support the father crying and saying how they shouldn't do that because they were hurting him, in the hopes of guilting them to change their mind

No one's saying the op can't express that she'd miss them and will always be there for them, but crying to show how much their decision has hurt her feelings in order to influence them, is manipulative. Better they make their decisions without pressure and you keep a good relationship with them in the long term.

I think this is the most sensible way forward but I understand you must be heart broken.

You told her that they deserve to know how devastated she is and to sit infront of them and cry and tell them they have devastated her.

Why do they deserve that? They've done nothing wrong. It's a manipulative way to behave.

Of course she can feel devastated. She can then talk to them calmly about how she feels without the dramatics and quilting. She can tell them she wants to see them more and work something out whilst also telling them she wants them to be happy etc.

But to sit there and fall apart and be "devastated" isnt fair because theyve done nothing to deserve it. It is very normal for children to only see one parent ever second weekend and no one bare an eyelid.... because it is normally the dad.

The kids aren't doing anything wrong in wanting to live with one parent over the other.