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Original poster

Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

470 replies

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP posts:
GrumioEstEbrius · 19/06/2022 09:23

I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children

I think you need to let them know this. They are old enough to know how this decision affects you.

Afterfire · 19/06/2022 09:23

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:21

Their step mother is fully supportive. They’ve had IVF issues and haven’t managed to have children of their own, she loves having them there.

I didn’t break down in front of them because ex had already given me the “heads up” kids want to tell you something don’t get upset their worried about hurting your feelings speech

Basically he means don’t let them see you upset as it makes things harder for him …..!

BigButtons · 19/06/2022 09:24

Same thing has happened to me. Ex is toxic and manipulative. At one point I only had one of my 6 living with me. It broke my heart. Another one has since returned.
I’m so sorry it is awful x

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Families
Georgeskitchen · 19/06/2022 09:28

I can imagine how hard it must be for you.
They might just learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side x

Tontostitis · 19/06/2022 09:29

These sounds really tough. Can I just recommend you look up empty nest syndrome. I know this would usually apply when you're older teens leave home but I found it helpful to know I wasn't alone with these feeling when my teens left for Uni. This is just a stage and the love they get from you is irreplaceable.

Also these Teenage years are hard work good luck to dad and stepmum they can do the shit bits you can have nice weekends.

My dc are grown adults with their own dc now and they both keep their dad and stepmum at a distance despite the financial spoiling they received. You have my sympathy as I remember how awful it felt when my rich remarried ex seemed to thrive while I struggled so hard and then my young impressionable teens were so swayed by him.

SalaDaeng · 19/06/2022 09:30

He is very manipulative isn't he.
Never be dishonest with your dc. It is absolutely ok to tell them you are sad and will miss them. I agree about having the conversation about why they want to live there.
It is also fine to discuss living expenses, income and budgeting. Teens often have no clue about how much everything costs.
They will eventually appreciate reality and everything you do for them.

Pleasecreateausername · 19/06/2022 09:31

My heart aches for you reading this. I'm so sorry 💕. I just wanted to say that I think you're an amazing Mumma. It must be so difficult to conceal your heartbreak and support their decision. Huge hugs to you Xox

Gigi42p · 19/06/2022 09:32

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:21

Their step mother is fully supportive. They’ve had IVF issues and haven’t managed to have children of their own, she loves having them there.

I didn’t break down in front of them because ex had already given me the “heads up” kids want to tell you something don’t get upset their worried about hurting your feelings speech

I'm not criticising. It's entirely admirable that you put your kids emotions before yours. But what your ex just did there was manipulate you to get what he wants.

I'm not saying be hysterical, I'm just saying it won't hurt for them to know you are upset.

Think of it this way at his house the conversation is:

Him: We miss you so much when you're not here, we'd love you to live here all the time. Wouldn't it be easier with all this space? Think of all the fun things we could do! I just want to see you every day. It breaks my heart you're not here.

Them: I don't know. I'd be worried about upsetting Mum.

Him: really? I think in that small house and the hours your Mum works and the cost of everything you'd be helping your Mum out. Just don't tell her any of this came from me - you know how she hates me.

Then him to you - don't show the kids you're upset.

You (not showing your upset): Oh right, you want to live with your Dad? OK well let me think about how that might work, I can see how it would be easier for you (to older teen).

Do you see what I mean? I'm not saying that's how it went down - obviously I don't know! But I'm saying don't hide how you really feel because you probably don't know how it went down either, so it's important you're real and authenticate with them xx

Legrandsophie · 19/06/2022 09:34

Play the long game here. Tell them you love them and that you’ll respect their wishes. Make sure the underline that they always have a home with you. Teenagers are very, very selfish in general and won’t really understand how devastating this is for you so I wouldn’t be sharing that with them.

But so often, once they’ve matured a little, they’ll see things very differently.

And is so easy to be a Disney family 50% of the time. Ex and his wife will find this hard to sustain 100% of the time. And I do wonder how much of this is at their suggestion and how many empty bribes have been given to make the kids agree eg- ‘if you lived here you could have this all the time.’

Remember that you are home to them and the other place is somewhere they think they can spread their wings a bit. This is probably more about them taking some control than a rejection of you.

Good Luck!

linenalltheway · 19/06/2022 09:34

Teens like space of their own where possible. Try not to take it too personally.
Obvs it's shit and is personal from your point of view but what I mean is they don't mean it in the way you're feeling it

CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2022 09:34

I really feel for you op Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 19/06/2022 09:35

Oh I'm so sorry for you. I'd be absolutely devastated too. I think it's fine to let your children know that you're really upset, whilst still supporting their choices.

AngelinaFibres · 19/06/2022 09:37

It's very tough. I was in your position years ago and it really does hurt.
A little thing he / they may not have thought of. If they live with you and apply to university then your lower income is the one that will count. If they live with him then it is his income thst counts. His parental contribution will be far larger if he is weathy than if they live is your house.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 19/06/2022 09:38

Ah op I would be gutted Aswell

It's so hard being a parent and definitely hard when there's two seperated parents and homes etc.

Giving you a big hug and let yourself be upset
Of course your going to be.

Flowers
coconuthead · 19/06/2022 09:38

rainbowstardrops · 19/06/2022 09:35

Oh I'm so sorry for you. I'd be absolutely devastated too. I think it's fine to let your children know that you're really upset, whilst still supporting their choices.

I agree with this. Don't pretend you're fine with it

TwilightSkies · 19/06/2022 09:39

And is so easy to be a Disney family 50% of the time. Ex and his wife will find this hard to sustain 100% of the time.

Yes I agree. How long will the ‘no chores’ thing last when they are there all the time. Ex and his wife might be in for a shock when the reality of having 3 teens living in the house full time kicks in.

Clymene · 19/06/2022 09:42

I'm so sorry, how absolutely heartbreaking.

I would absolutely let them know you're upset. Not flailing crying but it's okay to let them know how hurt you are.

And a pp makes a very good point about university fees.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/06/2022 09:47

My eldest children did this, but to a town a couple of hours away. I told mine that I would miss them terribly and how much I love them, but that of course their happiness was the most important thing, and they would always have a home with me. They came back within the year!

Let them go with grace @HawaiiCount, whatever else happens they will always love you, and feel secure in the knowledge of how much you love them. 💐

Sarah2891 · 19/06/2022 09:47

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I don't think you should pretend you are ok with it either. Let them know you are sad about it. They are old enough to understand. They really should be able to realise how upsetting this must be for you though.

givethatWolfAbanana · 19/06/2022 09:47

I think you handled it very well

They will miss you, and am sure you'll see them more than you think

I think it's good you did not break down in front of them, you don't want them to feel guilty.

They will be back, one way or another

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself FlowersBrew

SinnermanGirl · 19/06/2022 09:50

Sorry OP, that must hurt like hell. There’s nothing ok or fair about it, just got to hang onto the knowledge that they are your children and always will be, and that they may well tire of the new arrangement quite quickly.

rnsaslkih · 19/06/2022 09:50

Tell them you'll always be there for when they want to visit. And that you want what's best for them. Then let them go to their father's - almost 100% of the time with 3 teens is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be mountains of washing and cooking, cleaning, pocket money, tech needed etc. You could perhaps use the time that's freed up on yourself and your house. One day they will appreciate what you have done.

Don't wait for karma. People do terrible things and get away with it, profit from it etc and there's often zero comeback and people think they are wonderful as well.

It seems pretty low - all 5 of them discussing it without you and presenting it as a done deal.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 19/06/2022 09:51

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:21

Their step mother is fully supportive. They’ve had IVF issues and haven’t managed to have children of their own, she loves having them there.

I didn’t break down in front of them because ex had already given me the “heads up” kids want to tell you something don’t get upset their worried about hurting your feelings speech

Well they are hurting your feelings, what they are doing is hurtful and they are old enough to understand that. They do need to learn at some point that their decisions impact on other people

Tadpoll · 19/06/2022 09:52

Oh OP I feel for you so much.

I have a similar situation with my ex - they are with me 75/25 though. He has loads more money, nicer house, foreign holidays. I can’t offer any of that. I an terrified that as mine get older (currently 10, 13 and 15) they will want to be there more. I’m also struggling with perimenopause and I know I’m not that fun to be around - not helped by the fact that my low income life is bloody stressful.

I think PPs are right - as hard as it is you have to stay strong and practical and maintain your relationship with them. I understand why you are so devastated though.

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 19/06/2022 09:53

I've had exactly the same! Abusive ex, his partner can't have kids so spoils mine. Mine were late teens and were fully awake if what their dad had put me through but the lure of money and no chores won.

They have much more money, mortgage free, eat and drink out regularly. Have been promised cars and financial support through college, none of which I can afford.

My kids barely speak to me now. The real kicker is he's abusive to them too (as told to me by the kids themselves a while ago). I try to keep in touch but they pretty much ignore any messages and phone calls and only get in touch when they want something. It's shit but not much you can do about it.

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