Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

I’m glad your youngest has chosen to stay at 50/50 contact. Your ex really should have insisted for the middle child too instead of allowing this to happen. He doesn’t sound great. , he knows basically his kids are living with him to have more money, not to be with him.

I’d be fucking livid if he lets homework and revision slip. Just another reason they’d rather be there though, not in the kids best interests at all. It’s easy to a good parent in a child’s eyes, when parenting involves throwing money at them which you have in abundance and not making them do stuff likes chores and homework. He’s basically doing fuck all, they’re happy short term but the issues of parenting this way will show later. He’s really doing them no favours.

I don't know how old your DS is but this sounds fairly typical teenage boy behaviour.

Generally it's mums that keep teens connected to people by organising things. So whilst he's with his DF, that's not being done for him.

I'm in a similar boat.

I've also come to terms with it and I'm playing the long game.

They are teens and it's all about them. Childhood is the past for now. Until they are more mature.

Relatives and family friends aren't as important as their own friends or gaming or whatever they are in too.

I also could not have had two homes. I have my DS but at 17, for how long? DD with her dad.

They will all be gone in a few years and then new relationships form which we are building the foundations of now.

Much as I want to react emotionally and take her choices about where she lives, who she sees and how she spends her time personally, I battle myself hard. Not to do this and score an own goal.

I stay in contact, take any scraps, don't react, just focus hard on being me. Show her my love is completely unconditional.

Just playing the long game and not accepting it's over by fuelling a self fulfilling prophecy. And accepting it's over.

With life and especially teens, everything can change in the flash of an eye.

Hang in there sister 💪💪💪

Sending hugs xxx

Yes we do live rurally - semi anyway.

Hence the cold old house! I always joked they were building character at mine and learning to be resilient!

I'm worried he will put you in the position of 'bad mum' if you're insisting on homework being done and he isn't. He sounds really lazy as far as that's concerned.

how are things op?

Hope you’re doing ok @HawaiiCount

@HawaiiCount. I came across your post as I am going through similar. How are things working out?

My 16 year old daughter started self harming during the pandemic and recently attempted suicide. She has now chosen to move in with her dad and step dad-I am devastated but have let her go telling her if it doesn't work out she's always welcome home. I have just facetimed her and she told me she's not seeing me this weekend. I did not show it but am gutted. She has a habit of changing her mind so I am relying on it but am terrified. I feel like I have failed as a mum.

You should start your own thread @MaMaJoJo3 as this one is very old.

I'm in the same position as of today. My heart has been broken again, and I didn't think I could feel any worse. I'm hoping karma is playing the long game.

Ahhh, the price of parenthood (Motherhood), take care OP

@HauntedViolet27 I'm so sorry you're in the same position. It's probably best to start your own thread to get some support as most people will just read the OP.

It has been almost a year now since my daughter moved out. I still miss her but I understand and we keep in touch. I have learned a lot in these months;

1. Things are never as bad as they seem -you do get used to new situations ,even if they seem dreadful you DO adapt.
2. I have a different relationship with my daughter now and it is great! She talks to me more when she's unhappy at her dad's and I have taken on more of a friendship role rather than that of a mother. She tells me when she's made mistakes at college and I just listen and support her. Before I would ground her or take her phone if she messed up at school but now I leave her dad to deal with discipline and he does a good job.
3. One really important thing I have learned is never ever take to heart anything teens say which may be hurtful. We have all been teens and probably all went through a stage of taking parents for granted and/or wanted to spend time with friends rather than parents-it is normal! Some even say teens are given nasty hormones as it's natures way of encouraging independence away from parents. It is a fact of life that teens can be cruel to parents but I personally think this is harder on single parents!
4. It is vital to give teens space. I know my daughter loves getting post the old fashioned way so I send her occasional gifts which she's made clear that she loves. It is my way of showing her love but expecting nothing in return.
5. Parents must be patient when their teens are distancing themselves. I didn't really (and I mean REALLY!) appreciate my parents fully until I became a mother myself! Then I got it! I am now so close to my parents that I talk to them all the time about everything! Patience is the hardest but most rewarding of all.

Such wise words!

Have a similar situation. I have a council house and we are overcrowded. 3 teens. All hormonal. I’m perimenopausal living in a leaky mouldy home. Found out I’m allergic and so is eldest. I’ve been fighting the council and it’s now gone to solicitors. I have the kids 90% of the time. Dad has a small and filthy bedsit. I am trying to set boundaries especially with my middle one who doesn’t like being told no. They’ve all said pretty damning things about him without realising like DD and filthy house. My son loves it there as he clicks his fingers and dad jumps. Dad is an alcoholic and has admitted to me that he drinks throughout his work day. He tried to call social on me for saying I’m a hoarder, denied it but I’ve now seen it on my daughters DLA paperwork that I’m also doing as well as daily letters to the council and solicitor. I am exhausted from my blood condition and am trying to set up a new biz online too but all this goes unnoticed. Middle child being so rude and having issues at school. I try to support and go prepared. Ex does nothing. But now I have been asking them to do chores and they don’t get done over and over again and it is wearing thin but he doesn’t get them to do anything at all as he only sees middle and older one 1 night a week, if that. It’s convenient for them when they want to go out where he lives. They say I nag all the time. I’m trying to teach them basic life skills. Middle child said today that they all want to live with him. He has a bedsi. They tho ink if they say that’s what they want then he will just be given a house. I sleep on my couch in my lounge so, as teens they can now have their own room and I literally do everything. What is the actual point of carrying on if they go to him. He is revelling in it but they will get a shock when he can’t keep up. Mc said dad will get a council house and the benefits and that’s when the penny dropped that that’s what he is doing it for. I am so much better with money than I ever was. H is rubbish so basically he just wants the benefits byt doesn’t have a big enough place. We are in too
banding (B) for urgent need but no houses at all as yet. I have the counsellor on it now
too and social prescribing team coming to help me with things on Tuesday but this has all happened since yesterday with them saying about living with him. I have worked so hard on trying to get us a bigger house and especially as it is mouldy. Can someone help? Feel sad, frustrated and angry and am worried about the attitude of my middle child. And her safety too

I’m going through similar and he has a filthy one bed flat and I am in a 3 bed with 3 teens so I am ok the couch in a Leaky mouldy home. He is yes dad and my son is there more and dad does everything. I am trying to teach life skills but that is seen as nagging. Middle child spoke to me like shit earlier and they think the grass will be greener. We are band b to get. A 4 bed house as we are overcrowded here. None of them want to do chores so they think it will be easier if they live with him. He says he gives them time but I’m the one teaching my eldest to drive, trying to talk to them daily about problems at school etc and backed my daughter who is undiagnosed ADHD/ODD/PDA and that obviously meant f all. I had notes. Ex had nothing I am at a loss but thinking he won’t just be given a house like that if they just say they want to live with him?

Mums of teens separated please help if you can xxx

are you saying quality of live is money oriented? Dinners out etc and a yes parent that doesn’t make them clean up and the parent trying to teach them life skills and going for walks and days out that don’t cost anything and trying to set boundaries (how dare we) and teaching them to clear up after themselves is what they will need to do later in life? Shallow person to think money is the answer!

@Boundariesmumvsfuntimedad

This is an old thread. You need to start your own and set out your problems there.