Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

"Ultimately, crying in front of them, showing them your pain, etc, is emotional manipulation. It's awful a father does that by trying to buy them with holidays and treats, and it is awful if a mother does that by crying and saying how devastated they are."

Hard disagree. If children act cruelly or hurtfully to someone, they shouldn't be shielded from the impact on the person concerned. It's how they develop a conscience and a moral compass. There is a huge difference between being clearly upset and emotionally manipulative.

I am so sorry 💐

I'm sorry OP. Just remember the grass isn't always greener, they will soon realise this.
Also for their dad and SM.

This is awful. No wonder you are upset.

He had the affair, has the money. You've done most of the work.

It's about money. I would let them go. I bet once they are living there properly it wont be such a fun time.

Ps - you'll get to be the fun, exciting parent for a while. Just make sure they know the door is always open for them to come back whenever xx

There is a huge difference between being clearly upset and emotionally manipulative.
Yes, this, Its sad to see normal emotions that are a response to a hurtful situation being re-framed as manipulation.

Also this... they're the defacto children now that IVF didn't work.

I imagine step mum will learn quickly that grown teens aren't like fun and cute babies.

@glowbabe , what an astonishing success story!

Why the hell are you dancing to his tune? Of course it suits his plan if you just lie down and take it. He's done a job on you and the kids. Your kids need to know your true feelings. I'd let them see my devastion.

Sorry attached wrong post

I am so sorry OP.

Sending hugs - I think teens don’t understand how much we love them.

You will always be their mum.

They will be back.

Disney mum time.

And lots of self care for you 💐

Children are materialistic - they know which side their bread is buttered. I suppose it's 'nature'.

Another one who thinks they will be back before you know it.
My stepson lasted 5 minutes when he moved in with us and realised he had to do his fair share of chores etc and it wasn't like staying in a hotel as he seemed to think he would.
So sorry op it must be very upsetting but play the long game xx

Worst nightmare I'm so sorry

I'm assuming he will now claim child maintenance from you and you will have even less

I am sorry, it must feel so painful

Just to reliterate some previous comments.

1. Play the long game - children naturally separate from parents but mos ping back

1. Treat is as early Uni - empty nest - is a real life stage, not often talked about but can be such a shock.

1. Don't take it personally- bedroom space will be a factor in their decision.

1. They won't yet really appreciate the value you add to their lives. That takes some time for it to sink in. Leave the door completely open and they are likely to walk back in.

It makes me mad that he’s got away with not paying child maintenance just because he has them 50% of the time. It’s set you up to fail, with your half of the time being funded by a fraction of his salary by comparison.
This is shot OP. I’m so sorry, but I’m sure they’ll be back!

Oh OP that is really tough.

All I would say is long term it won’t change your relationship with them. You are their mum and they’ll be in and out all the time. I would arrange a mid week meal meeting though, as well as the weekends.

There is no way you’ll be able to think about this now, but if you ex is taking on all costs when they are with him (and given this is not what you want, and he’s wealthy, he should) then will this allow you to build up
financially?

.. if you can I would talk to him about money now. He’ll be feeling guilty and you want to make sure he formally agrees not to make any claims on you.

As a PP says, given your differences in wealth it’s very poor if he paid you nothing while it was 50/50.

@WeAreBob it's hard to understand how you could misinterpret what I said so badly.

By no means did I say she should cry to get her kids to stay with her. What I said was - she could show how she is feeling. And I ABSOLUTELY would say that to a man.

I was in this scenario as a child. I think if my Mum had been cool, calm and collected about it - I would have wondered if she cared about me at all, quite frankly.

And I didn't say 'wail'. I think you're associating wailing as being a female vs male trait.....

Pretty clear you're projecting here.

Could you say let’s take 50/50 out of the wording. Say to the kids well your old enough now why don’t we just keep the arrangement fluid - go where you want to - obviously you can with them arrange a movie night. Teenagers need to see a way back a path back - they at times in their dramatic ways think doors close it’s all over - sometimes just need to know it’s open and it will be ok.

Teenagers are selfish - it’s only temporary, Don’t close any doors keep everything the same to be honest. Take away the power from the father by saying you don’t really see anything changing just the 50/50 statement. Yes the will probably stay there initially a lot and you will miss them but eventually real life catches up with Disney Dads and chores catch up with teenagers- I’m sure once they realise all the plates hiding in a teenage room and the smell of wet towels on the floor :) Chores will end up having to be done.

It hurts I know teenagers have that knack. Tell them of course you would rather 50/50 as you miss them to but allow a trial and just see how this goes.

@TheLadyofShalott1 This is good advice

OP, Don't tell them they're hurting your feelings, that's manipulative and may push them further away

Better to say you'll miss them but can make this work

Here is a practical idea I have not seen posted yet on here: what if, in addition to sharing at least some portion of how you feel, you were to suggest the possibility of having one child at a time stay at yours, at least sometimes?Benefits to them:

1. the child at yours would not have to share a room
2. your time together could be one-on-one with that child, so that child with you could receive your full attention?

This is something you can offer that neither the ex nor the step mum can offer.

I completely get why you’re upset but you need to think about what’s best for your children and them having their own rooms, going on holidays etc is going to benefit them a lot.

If I was a teen and got to have my own room and no chores then I’d jump at the chance - that doesn’t mean they love you any less.

It sounds like before you did 50/50 you did most of the work - so it’s time your ex did pull his weight a bit more.

Even the best teens can be difficult.
Instead of seeing this as a negative thing try and look at it as a positive thing - your ex will get the mundane day to day stuff but you’ll get to just have fun with them.
You’ll also have more free time to retrain or do a hobby that will create an income or go out and have a social life.

I’m so sorry OP.
This has me tear up.
I’m terrified of this happening with my eldest.

I'm waiting for the stepmother to come on and complain her husbands kids are invading her marital space 😁