Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

PutTheBinsOutOnTuesday · Today 21:47
My ASD teen left my home at 15 to move in with his ASD dad - wasn’t about money or comforts. They just suddenly clicked after years of not getting on.

I always said that he was free to choose but I won’t lie, it was really difficult.

I’d spent years finding the cash for extra activities and doing everything I could for him, his dad contributed nothing financially. I made sure I could manage, worked shifts on bank to make stuff happen if I didn’t have the cash.

Ds changed over about six months from being really close to me to not even speaking to me apart from insulting me.

I can’t see our relationship recovering tbh. He probably contacts me once a month these days, usually when he wants something that he left here.

I've spoken to a friend who went through something similar. I think it’s more common than you think where there’s been a difficult divorce.

He seems happy so it must be working for him.

I am very sorry that happened, and think you sound brave and generous.

Something doesn’t seem right there. It sounds as though he has a rather false happiness based on transferring any problems he perceives on to you so he can create an illusion in a dad bubble. All you did for him as a little boy will surely stand him good stead though.

I would let the children know how much you will miss them OP and that you are sad that they will be spending less time with you, but you also understand how hard it is being split between houses. I don't see that as guilt tripping them. It is being honest. Hiding your feelings is how long term misunderstandings come about. You don't want your kids to take away the impression that you didn't really care either way.

If someone is living with their DC's Dad would anyone suggest that it was ok for the kids to suddenly switch all attention, time, demands, to one parent? Unless there was actual abuse? If not then, then never. If one parent in the household is the one that sets the chores and the other gives the pocket money would it be ok then? There's a 50/50 arrangement and that's right and proper and the OP's ex should be asked to stick to it and to support the continuing arrangement to the kids' faces.

Completely agree.

I didn’t suggest her kids do not like her. I said we do not know the OP, her ex or fully understand the reasons her children wish to live with their father. We only have her version of events. Many on the thread have assumed the move was prompted solely because the ex is better off financially. The solution apparently is that the ex should have given OP more money so she could offer them an equally comfortable life (although if he did that I’m sure many on the thread would tut and say the ex is throwing money at the situation rather than taking on the DC full time as any decent father would).

But let’s imagine he gave her more money so she could move to a bigger, warmer house and the children still wanted to live with him. What then? We’d have to assume that there were other factors driving their desire to move. They might just want to spend more time with their dad irrespective of his financial status. There might be something else going on at home with the OP. It just seems very convenient to blame it all on the scheming ex.

Finally, I really don’t think having 3 teenagers suddenly live with you full time is ‘convenient’ for anyone!

If someone is living with their DC's Dad would anyone suggest that it was ok for the kids to suddenly switch all attention, time, demands, to one parent?

I don't know how you imagine you'd police whether or not teenagers in a family where mum and dad lived together were equally interacting with both - and I'd guess it's quite unusual that they would be. But in any case, it's irrelevant. The teenagers in this case don't live with both parents at once and choosing to live with one nearly full-time isn't necessarily expressing a preference for one of them as people. Choosing either of them means they stop doing 50-50 (which, as multiple posters have noted, is often better for the parents than for the children) and choosing this particular one means they have more space and a more comfortable home. It isn't the same thing as deciding you don't like mum any more so you'll only talk to dad.

50/50 only works if it works for all parties. That includes the children. Plenty of posters have spoken about how 50/50 is destabilising for children, either through their own experiences of it, or the experiences of their children. It’s surely also better for children to know they have some measure of control over their own lives, and to know that they’re welcome fully at either parent’s house. These aren’t young children, they are old enough to be heard.

Unfortunately, when 50/50 no longer works for the kids involved, one parent is going to lose out. The kids come first though, and they’re not wrong for wanting to live full time in one place. It may be unfair to the mother who did the grunt work, but parenting isn’t intrinsically fair, the relationship between a parent and child is not quid pro quo. The fact that mother changed all the nappies doesn’t mean they can’t bond with, or form a close relationship with, their father for other reasons. Children are not an investment with a guaranteed return, they’re their own individual people, neither property nor clones. Besides, it’s not like he’s in for a particularly easy time. One is going through puberty and the other is embarking on it.

OP is a real person that is hurting, understandably, but they are all real people involved here. It’s never as simple as good versus evil, and neither the children nor the ex are going to be one dimensional villainous caricatures. OP is the entitled to her anger and hurt, but they’re complete strangers to everyone else here.Getting whipped up in. anger, inventing narratives centred around stereotypes instead of the people they actually are, and encouraging it against strangers you don’t even know, when long term OP surely needs to have amicable relationship with them (at least with her children if she wants a relationship with them at all), does nothing.

Agreed. He's no hero.

I think we very often set the bar far too low for fathers, and I agree that this one, based on the nappy comment from OP, hasn't been great. But I do think saying that he should have been subsidising OP to the extent that they had exactly the same lifestyle is a ridiculous expectation.

50/50 only works if it works for all parties. That includes the children. Plenty of posters have spoken about how 50/50 is destabilising for children,

I think you'll find on MN that 50:50 is very destabilising is the father wants to increase to 50%. However, it's very excellent for children if the mother might end up with less than 50％.

Thanks 🙏 Scrolling Leaves. I won’t pretend it has been easy.

To whoever said kids just want everyone to be together, that is a very simplistic view of what could be an abusive marriage situation, bullying, shouting, swearing vs a house of peace, which is what we had until DS changed very suddenly for reasons not known to me.

As for 50/50, there is no time in my life that 50/50 would have ever suited me personally.

It is the lack of kindness towards another human being that I struggle to understand. But I will never understand it and so, as a parent who spent a lifetime putting DS first, I’ve had to make peace with it. As I said, he appears to be happy, I don’t know how his A levels are going or what his future plans are because he doesn’t communicate. I hope he lives a good, happy life.

He hasn’t just cut me off, but his godparents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins plus big network of family friends. It is unexplainable.

A dear friend had the same situation (very very similar) more than 50 years ago. I think it is more common than you realise, just not talked about.

@whumpthereitis agree with what you’ve written in your last post

I think where both parents are good and interested and live close to each other, it is in the children’s interest to have 50/50. They may not realise it at the time, may think they prefer one house if it’s got more ‘stuff’, but long term, it will be beneficial to have equal time with both parents.

If we split, we’d insist on it to our children. They need both of us more than a couple of days a fortnight as much as we’d both want them more.

All that matters is what is best for the children.
Not what the Op feels she is owed.
Not what the dad did or didn’t provide in the earlier years.
The children have the choice of living in a home where they have privacy and heat over cold, shared bedrooms. I can’t imagine any parent choosing for their children to live a harder and more uncomfortable life than is necessary just to appease their own emotions.

I also think being truly honest about your feelings and essentially guilting them is a form of coercion. I do not think they need to be taught that if someone else is really, really sad then your choices (in this case a right privacy and heat) don’t matter.

You’ve got absolutely no right to insist on anything in the circumstances. A child’s wish is everything. If at 12 they choose to live with one parent there’s naff all you can do about it.

We are their parents. My children would be losing a lot if they only saw their dad or me 2 days a fortnight for the reasons stated here. So yes, we would both insist and have the right to. There’s everything we could do about it, as the other wouldn’t allow it for the interests of our children.

You’ve got absolutely no right to insist on anything in the circumstances. A child’s wish is everything. If at 12 they choose to live with one parent there’s naff all you can do about it.

A child's wish is everything? That is nonsense. and not in the best interest of the child. No child should feel that pressure - to be in charge of their own lives completely at age 12. There is a reason we don't let 12 year olds make some decisions. This isn't about a child no longer seeing an abusive or disinterested parent. This is about a family who have shared child care and rearing for the last 6 years (although before that the mother did the heavy lifting) and a sudden decision that all children, including a 13 year old will now live primarily with their father. I hope to god if my dh and I had split, we'd have treated each other and our responsibilities to our children more seriously and with greater respect than "well the 12 year old wants it". My children needed their father during their teen years. And they certainly needed me. They may not have always known that. Mine are 20 up now and vastly different from the early/mid teen years. and I'm bloody glad for the terribly stressful times we said "we hear you but your choice isn't how it is going to go".

I find the attitudes to the OP of suck it op, you have no rights (and the horrible well maybe you weren't nice to them and got what you deserved posts) awful. Imagine if YOUR children no longer wanted to live with you? How would you feel? I'd say the same for a dad who was losing 50/50 too. Have some compassion.

Some of these views are idealistic. Post divorce life isn’t always idealistic.

The family court takes children’s views into account 100%. A parent’s right to insist on contact and 50/50 does not exist. Then there’s the ‘do you want to put your kid through the stress of the court process to consider’.

Pallisers, if you read the thread you’ll see that I have been there, direct experience of exactly this situation.

Just a quick update. I’ve read all the replies, it’s been difficult to read some of them but I appreciate the different viewpoints.

Oldest DD is continuing with the usual arrangements - living with her dad but coming home regularly for the night but no set schedule

DS has gone and wants to do EOW.

Youngest DD has decided to stick to 50/50 for now. I could see she was worried if I was ok. We sat down and talked about it, I said I would miss her (and them) very much, but we could try it and see how it goes. The kicker seemed to be her asking how we would watch a programme which we usually watch together, I said we’d just have to not watch it and then catch up on all the episodes together at the weekend. Then she asked about Christmas because we have great sledding hills here?! She went away to think about it and then said she wants to stay as it is.

Ex is not a bad father. He was useless when they were babies but he is a different man now (as far as I can see, we don’t spend time together, his wife may well be doing everything who knows). But he is present for parents evenings, meetings, sports days, college etc.

The one thing they are both rubbish at is ensuring homework and revision is done. I’ve screenshot all the schedules and given them the logins and passwords for the kids school homework accounts so they can check but this has been an ongoing battle for years.

Financially I will take a hit but this is offset but the smaller food bill/electricity etc. There will
still be a hit but we don’t need to move. Ex does not want the child benefit

you sound very measured which is amazing given how emotional you must feel.

It sounds as though it is your son who has made the big move which I think can often be the case for boys and dads.

Good for you for listening and responding so carefully to your children.

Ah OP, I've been thinking of you. Your DD sounds like a lovely, caring child. Hopefully this compromise will work and maybe even your DS will get over the shiny excitement and will miss you too much. You're a lovely mum.

The one thing I would say is that I would absolutely let the school know that you are no longer the resident parent for DS and that any issues over homework etc need to be directed to your ex, not you. They need to be taking the flack for things not being done, and I think it would be helpful for the school to maybe understand why things may go downhill (assuming he did his homework while with you but isn't going to be doing as much going forward...?)

Ah, nice update OP. I hope that you and your ex can continue to co-parent with kindness and respect to each other. The problem is that you both love your DC very much!

Do you live rurally? You mentioned sledding and chopping logs. And does your ex live in a town? If so, this may be a draw for teens that you may have to accept going forward. While knowing it is nothing personal and that they definitely will be back when older again - chopping logs and sledding sounds so lovely (but maybe not a priority for teens…!)

If both parents insist on it then it happens. Two of my friends were in the situation of the kids wanting to live more with one parent, in one couple it was dad and one it was mum, but thankfully the parents knew the value of the other parent and kept it 50/50.