Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

Can you be less rigid about contact so they can come to yours whenever they want to, rather than just EOW? That way they can more easily move back to yours without upsetting their father. Standing up to him to declare they want to return to your home might be difficult for them and impede them moving back. An organic increasing of their time at yours would be much harder for him to counter.

Ultimately, crying in front of them, showing them your pain, etc, is emotional manipulation. It's awful a father does that by trying to buy them with holidays and treats, and it is awful if a mother does that by crying and saying how devastated they are. The children will see through material bribery quite quickly and if that's all he has to offer, they'll be back in no time.

Your DC living at their Dads might seem like grass is greener but might not be best for them. This is what happened to me. After my ex had affair I divorced him. 1 dd just starting uni, eldest son 16 and youngest son 8. For a year my eldest son lived at home with me and went to see his Dad one weeknight and every other weekend and 3 weeks in summer holidays and 3 nights over half term breaks all with his you get brother too. At home there were gaming limits of 2 hours per day which I thought was very generous as he had homework too. At his Dad's unlimited gaming, virtually all the time he was there it later transpired. My eldest son at 17 insisted he wanted to live with his Dad. He was at the time doing well in Sixth Form and had lots of friends he met up with evenings. I could not stop him but I was heart broken. Within half a term he dropped out of Sixth Form, lost contact with most of his Friends except for chat online. His Dad lived in a very rural location with no bus service. Before he knew it he was isolated there. Had no means of getting back into town and became clinically depressed. He was supposed to come to me every other weekend but stopped. That hurt so much. Eventually I waited until I knew my ex was working away and paid eldest son a visit. By this time he was living this nocturnal life where he slept all day aided by antidepressants and gamed all night. I got him out of bed and told him he couldn't go on like it. It was not too late to go back to start again at college or find a job if that was what he is wanted but he could not just give up on life. He told me he only moved to his Dad's because his Dad was drinking so much he was afraid he would choke on his own vomit. He said his Dad had promised to take him to Sixth Form but often he could not go as his Dad still drink from night before so could not drive him. Because this happened so often he fell behind at school then dropped out. He said he could not see his friends and had nothing to live for. I got him in my car and took him home. We both cried. We went shopping for some nice clothes for him, had his hair cut and I helped him register with job agency. He got a job as a driver's mate helping to deliver furniture to customers. I encouraged him to sort a pension. He met up with a few friends again and made new friends too. After 6 months his employer paid for him to have driving lessons. He passed test then started driving van at work. After 3 more years his employer paid for him to sit class 2 lorry driving test. He passed that and started driving lorry. Now he has his class 1 lorry driving. He saved up and bought his own house. He only visits his Dad once a year at Xmas. His choice. He says every time he sees his Dad he remembers how low he was and does not want to be reminded. I hope your son realises you are the one making sacrifices everyday for him and want him grounded. Even if your son does choose to move to his Dad's he will miss you and simple family meals. My son admitted he even missed making me a cup of tea.

I reckon both the dad and OW will change their tune when they realise how stroppy, and hungry, teenagers can be.
Like a PP said (at least one), play the long game OP. X

The beat thing you can do is let them buy make it clear if for whatever reason they want to come back they can, immediately.

But the kids aren't doing anything wrong. They have every right to want to live with their dad.

My bet is that you'd never tell a man to cry and wail and be devastated in front of his kids to get them to stay living with him.

The kids aren't doing anything wrong.

I think you need to be honest with them about how you feel and the reasons why you have a smaller house/they have to share etc. but ultimately it is their choice.

I would however say to your ex that it remains 50/50 officially but you'll let the children chose where they will be - otherwise you lose child benefit and you need it - and I'd check if he was thinking of claiming child support from you as well. You could end up alot worse off and if you do then you need to be honest with your teens about how that impacts the finances and what you can afford when they are with you.

I'd be like you - crying my heart out in private. But you have handled it well. Your ex and his partner should have discussed this with you first not presented it as a done deal via the children. That's underhand.

I bet the rosy lifestyle will quickly fade once they are there 24/7. They will, after all, be expected to do chores, entertain themselves etc. You can be Disney mum for a change. Refreshed, energised, patient with great things planned for the weekends when they are with you.

Try and use the extra time for yourself, to build up any aspect of your life that deserves attention: your health, your income, your interests or social or love life.

Nice one . Your son is a credit to you . He basically ended up being a carer / house sitter for his dad who probably emotionally blackmailed him when he wanted to leave. Thank god you turned up that day .

My heart breaks for you, OP. I'm so sorry. Kids that age can be utterly self-centred, and unable to think through the longer term consequences of their decisions.

Great advice. Playing the long game is 100% the thing, it but clear communication of the core messages is part of that

“The best thing you can do is let them but make it clear if for whatever reason they want to come back they can, immediately.”
can you do this bit in a card/in writing? So it is permanent?

like the child benefit point too.

what does keeping the door open look like emotionally, legally, practically? Plan for that.

and your ex is a shit btw

Let them go.

As hard as that may be it's really the only option. Refusing will breed resentment.

They aren't children anymore, as teens they're on the cusp of being adults, independent etc and the coolest thing in the world is the 'fun parent'. They see you as responsibility, boredom, consistency etc and see Dad as the fun one. If you hold them back you will only increase the appeal of him.

I will guarantee that by Christmas at least one of them will be back full time. The eldest wants to go for convenience, the middle will want to go for the 'stuff' and the youngest will want to go because the others are going. Call their bluff, allow the novelty to wear off and they'll be back before you have time to put the kettle on.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling.

I think it's a mistake to let them go full time. You are their mum and it is totally normal that you should remain at least 50% in control of their emotional development whilst they are teens. It is good for them to know that life decisions aren't made on the basis of what is comfortable, but on what is right. I think it's awful that their father is allowing them to suggest this to you. He should have discussed it with you (and you had the chance then to say no) without discussing it with them and letting them tell you as a fait accompli. As such, I think it's for him to tell them that he has discussed with you and you have both agreed it's not the right course of action. I think it's awful that your ex has allowed this situation to develop

Also OP if you keep this thread open we can enjoy helping you play the long game...... :)

Children can be very money motivated. I don't think it comes from a bad place, I think much of it is related to security, like they are hard wired to move towards stability if it's on offer.

Would them moving out leave you unable to pay for your accommodation? Might your ex come after you for maintenance? If financially you'll be fine and it's merely the emotional you are battling with then I'd let them go. Guilt tripping them is going to back fire.

There will if course be a grieving process and you will need to refind yourself and how to fill your time. But it could also be a time of growth. You will be able to reprioritise your own needs and be selfish!!! There’s obviously also the chance the grass isn’t greener and they’ll change their mind in time. Try not to blame them and try not to see it as a failing on your part. You have helped grow their personalities and I’m sure in time they’ll grow up and realise how important your relationship is and the sacrifices you made.

This would break my heart and what a git he is to have agreed it with the children before talking to you! I think it is not surprising though that children want to be at one place rather than 50/50 hard as it is. I would tell them you are sad about this (not sobbing to them) and you thought things worked OK. Also they all need to know they don't all have to fall on line. Children are often mercenary though and will go for what seems more attractive. Hopefully it will all work its way out and they will gravitate back to you. Stay strong .

What will happen with maintenance?

Can you afford to pay him maintenance? What has been discussed with that?

Even though this is difficult, it’s got to be better than them having a deadbeat dad who never sees them and doesn’t give a shit about them. They must feel loved to want to be there.

This is good advice. Be the Disney, fun mum, freed of all the mundane drudgery of caring for them every day. I know it's not what you would choose, but until your kids grow into more psychological maturity, you can make the best of things and use the time they're away to focus on yourself.

This has been handled really badly. If they raised it with your ex and his wife then the immediate response should have been to say they would talk to you, but the children should be mindful that you are their mother and it might cause enormous hurt. They should then talk to you about how to handle it, go back to them and say this is a no go, but they will do more to make sure the kids get to enjoy doing the things they love. If he was really generous he would pay for you to take the kids on an outing so you get to enjoy more than what little entertainment is available for free.

@glowbabe. He had an amazing employer too who believed in him and invested in his training. I was fuming because he dropped out of Sixth Form without me even knowing. I only found out 4 weeks later. His Dad had taken my contact details off of the form and just left his own there. So Sixth Form never even rang me.

God that's awful. Of course a kid is going to choose not to do chores and have a bigger bedroom. They will be spoilt initially, but reality will kick in! You should insist on 50/50 at least. No way should he get them. Sounds like you can provide much better life skills and resilience anyway, not just nice fancy things.

This happened to me when my youngest was 16 ,then my ex also asked me to transfer the child benefit to him which I did and he then went to the CMS and I had to pay maintenance .
When they lived with me and went to his EOW he told the CMS he was earning less than £7a week and I got nothing even though he is very wealthy .
It was a very difficult time trying to deal with the heartbreak ,keep my own house going and pay the maintenance but I managed and my boys are now lovely young men ❤️

I'm so sad for you OP. You are indeed powerless in the face of the greater material comforts their father can offer. I'm not going to patronise you by saying they'll realise the grass isn't greener, because, at least to teens, if he is their equally loved parent, but also brings extras to the table, it probably is.
You need to remember though, that wherever they live, your role doesn't change, even though the duties may be different. You are their mum and irreplaceable, and they need you. Don't allow your hurt to make you retreat and distance. Keep in there and stay involved and relevant.
Sending you strength.

My stepkids decided to move in with us. One at 14 and the other followed a couple years later. The oldest was having issues with his mum and it was temporary to start, but he didn't leave til he was 18. The younger I just think because his older brother was with us.
Sure their mum was devastated but she didn't live far and the kids could see her whenever (there was no formal rearranging of things other than she did stop claiming child benefit). Their parents did agree the kids were old enough to decide.
My husband did ask me, but how could I refuse? We did delay the younger one moving in - he pretty muc h wanted to come shortly after his brother moved in - because I was pregnant with my second, my husband travelled a fair bit for work and looking after a baby, toddler and two teens was a bit much, but he did move in eventually.

So sad to read this. But I do agree with other posters that it is ok and actually really important to let your children know that this has upset you, they are old enough to handle that and need to recognise that their decisions have consequences, that is part of growing up. Being real with them is not manipulative, especially if you keep it straight and honest. They need to know you care a lot, and also that you will always be available to them.

I do think your ex however, is being very manipulative of you, encouraging you to not show emotion at their news, I think that is more disturbing than anything else I have read in your posts and I think it stinks to be honest.

I would really encourage you to be honest with your kids especially if your kids are experiencing manipulation from their dad, they need to totally know you really care and love them. Letting them go without them knowing how you feel could have the opposite effect you want. Even if they go, they will always know you love them deeply if you are honest right now with them.

Like other posters, I am totally confident they will come back to you - right now they are dazzled by temporary distractions. Their mum who has loved and cared for them all their life will never be temporary, so let them know that - as many people say, this too will pass! The richness of your being their mum will come to mean more to them in time.

Thinking of you!

xx